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muffinthinks · 5 years

Text

Day 0

It finally happened. The day I had dreaded.

I had sat, stone-faced, listening to the words coming out her mouth, refusing to believe any of it was true.

She wanted a cooling off period of half a year.

Half a year?!

How am I supposed to live without her for half a year? I had tried cutting off all interactions with her for merely a day, and I had barely came out sane. The emptiness I had felt was so overwhelming, I couldn’t anything else.

In the past, she would start sobbing even when we had topics which came close to this nature, of separation, of loss of love, of breaking apart. I had once joked about a break-up while we were overseas, which was even before we had been officially together. She had cried her eyes out.

Today, her words came out steady, wavering slightly, but still steady. No sobbing, no crying.

And when the final word had been uttered, I broke down inside.

What are promises? What is faith? What is commitment? 5 years gone in mere minutes. Knowing her, a half-year cooling off period will likely end up in an eventual breakup. I just had to endure the break-up over half a year. I am just going to have my heart broken every day, every minute, every second for half a year.

03.01.2019@1200h

#heartbreak

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muffinthinks · 7 years

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Courteous. Righteous. Edified. Dignified.

A recent wedding of a friend brought me back to my secondary school. We, the groomsmen and bridesmaids, were all there for a bridal photoshoot with the couple. It had been years since I had returned there, and it sure was nostalgic. It was the first time so many of us were back in our old classroom since our graduation. 8 of us, who were classmates for 4 years, were united once again within the four walls of the 4E4 classroom.

Although the classroom had mostly remained unchanged, it had housed 12 years worth of students and bore witness to their joys and sorrows. My four years of secondary school were one of the best four years in my life. It was where I laughed so hard, suffered push-ups as punishments for failing to complete homework, confessed to some girls and ended up being rejected, cooked my first meal, made my first real friend, made my second real friend, grew from a child to a discerning teenager, and had values imprinted onto myself.

It had been my second home.

So there we were, all 8 of us and some others, back into the classroom which we had not been to in more than a decade. We found our old seats without much effort, and sat into them. And then, the realization sinks in.

12 years had passed in the blink of an eye.

It was quite a special moment in many ways. We were all grown up. Some about to be married, some married. The last time we were sitting on those seats, we were worrying about the questions that would be coming out for our Chemistry ‘O’ Level paper. The second last time we sat in those seats, we were wondering about the uncertainties after our exams and how many of us would actually stay in touch, how JC life would be like. Yet here and now, we are all university graduates, working adults, moving on to our next phase of life.

A chatter broke the silence, and some conversation ensued.

And then the song started.

又回到最初的起点

记忆中你青涩的脸

我们终于来到了这一天。。。

I felt an emotional blow from deep within my heart. It was the sort of feeling where nostalgia just exploded and consumes the mind, augmenting the amount of endearment we had of our memories with each other and the classroom. For that few seconds, no one talked. Silence. I could literally feel what my friends were feeling. Never had a song been played so aptly which evoked so much emotions in all of us simultaneously.

曾经错过的点滴

一瞬间全涌入心里

原本千万种可能

成了今天的结果

还记得那年的我们

我羞涩地跟你告白

你说我们会做永远的朋友

如今你已嫁

我也为你开心

谢谢你让我曾经为你流泪

让我感受心碎的感觉

如今仍能和你叙旧

真是我的福气

愿望你日后天天开心

若有缘来日再聚

24.05.2017@2145h

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muffinthinks · 7 years

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Lost crayons.

It’s been long since I’ve created anything close to meaningful, let alone philosophical. Maybe it’s because I seldom have any thoughts that I desperately need to get off my chest. Or that I am able to tell her almost anything and everything under the sun. And the need to transpose bottled up feelings into words sort of disappeared.

Maybe it’s a good thing.

Yet without constantly writing something meaningful feels like I’ve left a piece of me behind in the passage of time. I’ve changed, but it doesn’t feel that the current me is the me I’ve always envisioned myself to be. Something’s not quite right, and I want to change that. Words seemed to have left me since that day when it happened. Perhaps there’s just no reason for them anymore. Why write for a non-existent audience when you can just articulate to the most important person in your life who’s always there to listen to you? I want my lost crayons back in my box. I want them back in time for the next big event in my life. I’ll need as many crayons as I can find to fill in the colours of probably the most expanse painting I’ll ever create.

Maybe it’s a good thing.

I’ll also need them to handle my daily corporate battles. I’ve had enough of being the non-expressive type. Guess this new job although it being far from perfect, allows me opportunity to slowly find back the world words that I’ve lost.

Maybe it’s a good thing after all.

16.05.2017@2146h

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