mp-schiz
The Me That Is You
This page is me. Somewhere here, there is also a you.
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There is too much tension in a finale that approaches yet never arrives.
Days filled with fear, weeks of anxiety, a year of dread and anticipation.
A when, not an if. The exit sign glowing at the end of the hall, a hallway that shrinks and stretches in ways I cannot begin to comprehend. Yet there are times when the door is clearly open and the wall behind seems to shove me through.
Then I blink and find myself back at the end of this ever shifting, seemingly infinite, hall.
Was it a warning? When you told me the end was coming. Or was it just a notification? The anticipation drained from this moment, one may call this event anticlimactic. There is no explosion, the wick reached its end and all the followed was silence and an empty home.
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Dear Universe,
If it's alright with you I would like my life back. Give me a second chance to do everything right. I'm going to save myself, but in doing so I'm going to need your help. I cant so this alone.
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“You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.”
— Kid Cudi (via purplebuddhaquotes)
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Dear Today,
You must know that it isnt you I hate right now. I have nothing against you because you've caused no harm. That being said i would like you to be over already.
I want today to end.
If not the day, then at least me.
I dont want to be here.
I dont want to live the rest of this year.
I see what's to come....it isnt pretty.
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sometimes i remember no matter how much i try to help other people and be a good person im still a piece of shit
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I need to die. Not tomorrow or next week or when I'm 50. Today. I need my death to be now because that is the only way I can guarantee happiness for myself. That is the only way I'll find peace. I just got stepped on repeatedly today and I'm done with it. I'm not gunna fight it because there is no point. That is why I need to die. Because clearly the world doesnt need me anymore. I'm sorry for being a fool in believing it did.
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i care too much or not enough. im alone too often or can’t be for too long. i supress my emotions and im toxic. i unleash them and im unhealthy. i feel too much and nothing at all all at once. i open myself up to the world and i get hurt, i close myself off and hurt just the same. pain is the only truth i know
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Would it be easier to find happiness if you convinced yourself this world was meant to be a horrible cursed place?
That you’re meant to find suffering, you’re meant to cry and bleed
You’re meant to be disappointed and feel envy and wrath, and sometimes bad things are just going to happen for no apparent reason at all
But knowing all that could possibly make it easier in a way because when we come across a “blessing” I want to call it even though I’m not religious; a blessing like a stranger smiling at you, a beautiful sunset, a random raise, a cute text back, they’re gifts from this cursed world. They’ll either come in small or big packages but we need to apreciate them and soak them in anyways.
Because this is a cursed world and we know it , but we can find happiness still if we look hard enough
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I've been preparing for battle. Problem is...I prepared for the wrong one.
I have till the end of this year [2019] to win this battle. It's all I've been given. I wish I had more time but I dont. That being said, there is somethings you should know.
One: If I lose this battle, I lose everything. I lose myself, my friends, my family....everything. I wont be here anymore.
Two: If I win this battle, I still lose. If I win it will take everything inside of me that I have left. And there is a very high possibility that i would still lose most of everything. I will be a new.
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is it possible
to feel comfort
in safety
when violence
is the only home
you’ve ever known?
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me: not feeling something right away doesnt make you invalid
me, not feeling something right away: do all the drugs and alcohol, we need to feel something NOW
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I fucked up to many times. Because of that I lost you. I know I this...because looking at you now I see the walls you built, cemented by the pain I've caused you over the years. The distrust that I created. I lost you my friend, and I'm sorry. This isnt a plea to allow me back in but a simple asking of forgiveness for the things I've done. However, it is your choice in the end. Whatever you decide....I'll understand.
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