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How do movie people even know if a movie is good or not I finish watching a movie and my brain is just like "well that certainly was a movie" and that's it
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temporary hiatus!
i am burnt out on bad movies so i’m taking a break for a bit. we’ve been mostly just trying to watch movies i actually LIKE, but the bastard bluray software betrayed me when we tried to watch robocop earlier this week
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The Brain Machine (1972)
When a group of unknowing thrill seekers volunteer for what they think will be the experiment of a life time, they set out to achieve the ultimate ability to read minds and expand their memory. But this group gets more than they bargained for when the experiment goes horribly wrong.
imdb tagged this as a ‘psychotronic film’ i havent the faintest clue what that means.
i hope its better than brain twisters.
wow this starts off with some weird music in the background. i dig it.
it’s also, i think, the nicest print we’ve seen on any of these (though slightly off center)
this is another movie where the score is just completely unhinged
‘amazing use of 'recorder and gong' soundtrack’ @villainpunk
the long lost third blues brother
some real great imdb credits
this hairstyle is a lot
the reverend says ‘woman’ when he sees a picture of a cemetery and we’re taking bets on dead wife, dead mom, or serial killer.
after the first half hour not much has happened, this is a slow film that feels like its trying to be DEEP and not doing a good job at it?
about halfway through... i have no idea what’s going on and im very bored. i am reminded of previous brain film, brain twisters
confused and bored.
we’re all convinced big hair lady’s big hair is getting bigger.
there has been no mind reading yet
there’s a very sudden dramatic confession from one lady and i am just boggled.
‘maybe y'all should've gone to therapy instead of to the brain machine’ @villainpunk
best line of the movie: “YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU... SCIENTIFIC BITCH”
they made the brain machine angry, i think
ok wait i think the brain machine reads their minds maybe?
SOMETHING GOES WRONG AND THEY ACTIVATE A FAILSAFE AND THE FAILSAFE IS CRUSHER WALLS???
‘WHY DOES YOUR PSYCH EXPERIMENT HAVE THIS' @gwenfrankenstien
and then suddenly minnie lee hangs herself??????? there are like six people in the same room with her HOW DID NO ONE NOTICE?
‘Everything happens so much’ @bioelectriccell
‘conspiracy theory that this MOVIE got gov't funding to make the idea of mind control experiments seem dumb’ @gwenfrankenstien
there’s a new best line in the movie.
“YOU’LL HAVE TO KILL ME BEFORE I DIE.”
and then he explodes.
rated no/no on the beetsometer. please dont watch this its boring and disjointed and baffling. im putting a link to it but i do not reccomend. this feels like it lasted forever and also like the last 10 minutes was all we watched
‘this movie was a brain machine experiment’ @villainpunk
[Watch it on Youtube]
#sci-fi classics#the brain machine#james best#barbara burgess#gil peterson#gerald mcraney#movie with link
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there was no post this week because the host (me) had a migraine
there was no post last week because we just watched the cold (the game) in hd
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The Murder Mansion (1972)
IMDB’s summary for this one is hilariously vague.
A couple, lost in thick fog, take refuge in an old mansion next to a cemetery. Strange things start to happen.
this one’s dubbed, we seem to be crossing paths with a lot of those lately
15 minutes in and i can safely say that all of these people are terrible drivers and should not be on the road in poor weather conditions!
the score for this goes in like four different directions, its really something
everyone gets fucking lost in the fog and they end up at the Spooky Cemetery House
there’s mentions of alleged vampires and witches in the past its just like ‘YEAH SPOOKY’
there may or may not be rats in the walls! this sounds like a lovely place to spend the evening.
so far the plot of this seems to be ‘we are stuck here and the nervous lady saw some ghosts so we are all on edge’
there’s like an infidelity plot or something going on here and it just turns my entire brain off.
for a movie called murder mansion it has not delivered on the murder
ok like two minutes after I typed that someone did die but they had like, a heart attack?? or maybe they were poisoned. UNCERTAIN IF MURDER.
“every single frame of this is the cover of an avon romance paperback” - @gwenfrankenstien
the most common cause of death in this movie appears to be ‘heart attack’
gonna call this a solid nah/yeah on the beetsometer, slow to start and i had a hard time telling anyone apart. the first most of the movie feels like a lot of nothing happening very slowly and like all the murders happen in the last half hour???
actually i rescind that because in the last ten minutes the plot twist is that its all faked and its like scooby doo with people in masks and makeup and i totally called that way earlier in the viewing so its improved a bit in my view. scooby doo but they actually did some murders I think? I’m not certain what happened towards the end but yeah some people get shot
i’m not certain its something i’d RECCOMEND though
anyway it follows the trend of ‘movies that dont really have an ending and just kind of stop’
[Watch it on Dailymotion!]
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Panic (1982)
A scientist's experiment with a deadly bacteria goes awry and leaves him horribly deformed. The monstrous man then runs amok in his town.
this movie is SO dubbed
one of the characters is CAPTAIN KIRK but not that captain kirk but we all cracked up about it.
the editing in this is a little dizzying and also i am writing this at like a half hour in and im not certain about what’s going on. there was a lab accident, something happened to some guinea pigs, some people have been murdered
there is somehow a lot happening but nothing at all?
i think so far my thought is ‘this is incomprehensible to me but it feels like it shouldn’t’
there’s an entire scene in a movie theater that just feels like a fever dream to me
discovered 2/3rds of the way through that youtube has this in HD and we are all watching it in like 320p on a shitty mill creek print like SCRUBS
‘this is a sister film to the bill rebane virus train movie’ @gwenfrankenstien
the credits threatened us
this is a short post because i found it very hard to actually care strongly about this film in any direction so uhhhhh yeah i think that says a lot. gonna rate it a nah on the beetsometer
emoji of the film:
[Watch it on Youtube]
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Star Knight (1985)
YEAH SURE LETS GO
This one won because of the phenomenal IMDB blurb.
Princess Alba is abducted by a dragon, and it's up to Klever to save her. But, it turns out that this dragon is an alien spacecraft, and Alba falls in love with the human-alien inside it.
shoutout to the goat abduction that happens like five minutes in.
We all love the green knight. powerful himbo energy. all the earth men in this are stupid, really, and its great.
the best part is everyone talking about THE DRAGON and we never see THE ALLEGED DRAGON until almost 20 minutes in
LOVE the spacesuit deisgn here. love a weird organic spacesuit. love a weird organic spaceship guts!!
princess is totally smitten with our weird spaceman which is really funny to me. go get him, girl
they definitely had some sort of effects and set budget here, unlike most of our movies.
‘if i had seen this film as a child i would have imprinted on it SO HARD’ @gwenfrankenstien
the spaceman SINGS like a DOLPHIN to TALK its so WEIRD i LOVE IT.
courtesy of @villainpunk, ‘ apparently the spaceman's name is IX (is it nine or 'icks'? unknown) and he is played by a Spanish new wave musician’
(later revealed is pronounced eye ecks)
(spaceman also has a hilariously modern haircut, its delightful)
at the climax of the film
this is another 10/10 on the beetsometer, for much the same reasons as last weeks. It’s goofy in so many places and weird in so many others but we all just had a real good time. PLEASE watch this its so much fun. so silly.
emoji: PANIK
[Watch it on Youtube!]
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Assassin (1986)
A federal agent is yanked from retirement to stop an out-of-control android programmed to kill.
Special note: this is a tv movie! That’s a guarantee for... some kind of time.
right off the bat i just want to say that the killer android being named ‘Robert Golem’ is REALLY SOMETHING.
‘This has some fine 80s stank on it’ @bioelectriccell
our main man henry really endeared himself to me when he got pissed at the agency guys after he learned about the robot and then just PUNCHED THEM BOTH on the way out of the apartment
shoutout to @realdirtfacts because i was looking at one of the agency guys going ‘he looks familiar’ and they said ‘isnt he the guy from breaking bad’ and i was like ‘idk i dont actually watch the show’
and it totally was
henry is the star of this movie both actually and because EVERY FUCKING EXPRESSION HE HAS HAS ME IN STITCHES
anyway the robot can fuck and as @bioelectriccell said, ‘We got blinky lights. We got beep boops. We got a robot that can fuck. What more do we need in a movie.‘
10/10 on the beetsometer. wonderful movie. watch it.
[Watch it on Youtube!]
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god, you’re so right
alternatives to "ladies and gentlemen"
cads and wastrels
fellow scoundrels
ladies, gentlemen, and interesting miscellanea
beloved friends & tolerated acquaintances
entities of interest
paying audience members & assorted freeloaders
the fbi's most and least wanted
discerning guests & those of you with fuck all else to do on a tuesday evening
esteemed gutter filth
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Teenagers from Outer Space (1959)
A young alien and a teenage earthling fall in love, and plot to stop the alien's race from using Earth as a food-breeding ground for giant lobsters from their planet.
we all got real excited about space lobsters
I love the days when space aliens were just guys in weird clothes who talked funny. there’s also a really neat UFO design here
This movie feels so on point for a 50s movie that I would be tempted to pin it a parody but nope this is a genuine film from 1959.
a dog gets raygunned at the start and turns into a small skeleton. i do love the sci-fi classic of ‘raygun that turns a man into bones’ tbh
this is the highest quality print we’ve seen yet
i cannot emphasize enough how perfectly stereotypical a 50s sci fi movie this is its so wonderful
the giant lobster in the later part of the film is really wonderful. we love and appreciate giant lobster.
anyway this is a short post but its a good, slightly goofy movie and im rating it good/yeah so check it out
emoji of the film: smugbastard
[Watch it on Youtube!]
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Hands of a Stranger (1962)
haunted hands! haunted hands! haunted hands!
started off very concerned that I played the wrong movie, so make of that what you will
like fifteen minutes in and all i can think of is ‘this feels too much like a real movie to shitpost about’
‘these dudes got their med degrees in the mail from mad magazine, they got this‘ @realdirtfacts
shoutout to the surgeon and the sister of the pianist for some fucking excellent delivery of very dramatic speeches that become very silly if you think about the dialogue for more than five seconds.
(majority of chat succumbs to re-animator related brain rot for assorted reasons)
‘love that this movie isnt remarkable enough to directly shitpost about so we've just gone off on our own wild tangents’ @beetleboo
‘it is easily the most competent movie I watched since I joined!’ sam not-on-this-site
another movie with an excellent score (which is fittingly heavy on the piano)
this is less like... supernatural/not-real-science horror and more almost thriller horror? an interesting change of pace from what we usually get when we pull out a film from a horror collection. it’s definitely not haunted hands, and I think it was a little misrepresented on that front.
also the actor who plays the pianist, james stapleton, reminded a few of us of Rami Malek, mostly with the eyes and hair.
rated a solid 8/10 on the beetsometer. a little cheesy and overblown at times, but thats just kinda How Things Were. I genuinely enjoyed this one just... as a movie. feels weird to say about something here. the biggest thing it suffers from is JARRING ENDING-ITIS but thats like 98% of the movies we watch here. this one suffered that to a lesser degree than most, at least!
described by others as ‘fascinating and competent’, ‘unexpected but not in a bad way’
‘that was a genuinely good movie???? is that even allowed’ @gwenfrankenstien
emoji of the movie: clowning
[Watch it on Youtube!]
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The Alpha Incident (1978)
another bill rebane film!
this one was cursed from the getgo (but really most of them are to some degree or another) in that the disc it was supposed to be on in my box set did not actually have the film on it so i just streamed the fucker from youtube
The VERY FIRST LINE of this film is ‘It doesn’t make any sense’
I couldn’t be happier.
two of us can’t understand half the stuff this hillbilly man on the train is saying but @gwenfrankenstien is conveying the gist of it. he knows the other man is a fed and is Transporting Something Suspicious
which is the Mystery Thing From Mars the science guys at the start were talking about
there’s some really excellent things happening in the score.
the science mans talking about the mars organism are just SO BORED its hilarious
nosy train hillbilly is the one who ruins everything by breaking things, i think.
they put some jello on a rat!
this movie also has some occasionally bewildering cuts/scene transitions
there’s an ominous buzzing when government man calls the government to report stuff and i genuinely cant tell if it was intentional or audio error on the copy we watched lmao
‘HANK YOU DONE FUCKED UP’ @gwenfrankenstien
oh and then everyone gets QUARANTINED what a thematically appropriate film.
everyone gets PISSED OFF at being QUARANTINED and the actual biochemist is trying very hard to keep control of everything and then someone of course attempts to fuck right off.
the biochemist shoots him in the arm and the guy who got shot just kinda shamefully follows him back to the office.
speaking of the mars virus organism thing, ‘itd be really funny if it turns out it has no effect on humans after all’ @gwenfrankenstien
i feel like thats too clever for this movie tho
anyway in the rats the primary symptom seems to be ‘head explode’
the guy who got shot is whining about his civil rights!!!
hank recognizes he fucked up and feels so bad and i feel so bad for him!!
i am pretty fond of the choice of setting this all at like, a rail stop in the middle of nowhere. its kinda neat
‘we can’t fall asleep, if we do we DIE’ OOOOOOOH DRAMA
They’re sending amphetamines
GOVERNMENT SPEED
YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON UNCLE SAM.
‘Time for them to get fuckin blasted on meth’ @bioelectriccell
sorry the funniest part of the movie is what @gwenfrankenstien said and its ‘i figured out who beard scientist reminds me of and its. tom mulcair’ and this is only funny if you’re canadian.
there’s fifteen minutes left in the movie and nothing has happened to anyone. @gwenfrankenstien may have been onto something.
wow it takes until 1h24m for someone to fuckin’ die in a movie thats 1h34m
and then uhhhh jenny kills herself so suicide warning outta fucking NOWHERE
im pretty sure the movie forgot about hank
@gwenfrankenstien says ‘its billiam i suspect that the very end will be like. hank in town spreading virus’ so lets see
they apparently developed a cure offscreen and that gets delivered and - ITS FUCKING CYANIDE AND JACK KEELS OVER DEAD AND BIOCHEMIST TOM GUY HAS A FUCKING CRISIS HOLY SHIT WHAT A TWIST
and then some dudes in hazmat suits show up to clean up but TOm Biochemist isn’t dead bc he didnt take the cyanide but he SURVIVED because he didnt get infected BUT THEN THE HAZMAT SUIT GUYS SHOW UP and i think its implied he gets incinerated bc it looks like a spark about to ignite a flamethrower? or maybe they just shot him
ANYWAY it was like a solid 5/10 on the beetsometer for most of the movie and then the last 20 minutes are REALLY AWESOME the twist was GREAT WOW.
‘ think it had the makings of a very solid sf horror novella’ @gwenfrankenstien
emoji of the film: migrainetime.emoji
[Watch it on Youtube!]
#The Alpha Incident#sci-fi classics#ralph meeker#stafford morgan#john goff#bill rebane#movie with link
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The She Beast (1966)
A newlywed English tourist and an eccentric Transylvanian Count must work together when the former's beautiful wife is made the bodily host of a horrific witch.
Marked as comedy/horror/thriller... we’ll see how that pans out.
Purportedly in color, but we have such a godawful print of it that it’s VERY desaturated.
we open with a dude in a cave reading a soggy phonebook and then it goes to a funeral? and then immediately it is a Witch Hunt. a Literal Witch Hunt
It does not feel like a real movie!
man in cave reads us the story of witch murder and then we zoop back to the present, presumably to see the results of the murdered witch’s dick cursing.
and then its just a lot of trying to find a hotel and a room and -
“DO YOU KNOW THE DRACULAS” which is my new favourite line.
THEY SERVE GARLIC WITH THE TEA THEY’RE USED TO DEAL WITH VAMPIRES AROUND HERE
COUNT VAN HELSING WHOSE FAMILY EXORCISED THE DRACULAS
there are no vampires left in transylvania
THIS ISNT EVEN A VAMPIRE MOVIE?
THE GOVERNMENT OUTLAWED BLACK MAGIC, OF COURSE
and then they do sum fuk at night and the hotel owner who is named GROPER is peeping on them and then our LEADING MAN BEATS HIM TO DEATH? Oh, not quite. But lord.
‘id divorce a man immediately for being afraid of garlic’ @gwenfrankenstien
It talks almost a half hour to get to the car lake crash that is, i believe, the inciting action for the plot.
There’s a truck driver. He looks like communist Mario according to at least two viewers.
We are all calling the truck driver Mario now.
Anyway the truck driver brings Leading Man back to the hotel and then some stuff happens and THERES A WITCH BODY IN A BED and everyons’s ALARMED and Von Helsing interrogates the Leading Man.
von helsing appears to live in a cave because the government took his castle. damn communists.
vanhelsing stole leading man’s keys so he can’t leave this movie for a better one leave his wacky old man tales
and then leading man - whose name is philip! just fucking books it and runs away from cave von helsing.
It took almost 45 minutes to learn Leading Man’s name.
The soundtrack in this movie occasionally just does its own weird-ass thing.
We have not seen the witch do any witch things yet.
Von Helsing makes the terrible, terrible choice of waking up the witch. This is where everything goes wrong.
sexual assault warning at about 47 minutes in. Groper, unfortunately, lives up to his name.
and then someone gets killed after the lady escapes groper? i have no idea what happened there. I Blinked.
And then groper leaves the corpse in the road to get run over as a coverup but that fails because the truck swerves.
WHERE is the WITCH.
road corpse guy was not dead and was also philip i cannot keep the events of this movie STRAIGHT!
AND THEN THE WITCH FIGHTS GROPER AND AT SOME POINT A HAMMER AND SICKLE GET TOSSED ON THE FLOOR AND THEY JUST. ITS SOVIET
entire chat lost it
there’s a cockfight and they just bop the chickens together before it starts and then they throw them at each other but they dont even look like roosters just standard white hens. the cockfight takes place almost entirely offscreen and we just see an occasionally disgruntled chickenflap. it is the most hilariously weak attempt at pretending there is animal violence happening.
There’s still very little witch but she harasses a teenager for a bit while the chicken stuff is going down.
At about 58 minutes there’s a second long shot of one chicken standing over a maybe dead chicken? i’d say animal gore/death warning but it’s brief and grainy so its.
Anyway the kid choked out the witch. and they dragged her back to the hotel? and stuff her in a coffin.
The witch killed groper he was MARKED FOR HER VENGANCE.
This movie is like. anti-communism wrapped in a goofy witch story.
things just went off the rails again!
then the communist police take the witch and - since she looks dead they’ll autopsy her and GOOD NEWS, THAT WILL KILL THE WITCH? except bad news? because that will kill veronica?
‘this is a fucking comedy’ @villainpunk
AND THEN COUNT AND LEADING MAN GO GRAND THEFT AUTO AND STEAL THE POLICE CAR WITH THE WITCH IN IT AND THE POLICE STEAL THE COUNT’S CAR TO CHASE THEM
THERES A CAR CHASE SEQUENCE AND THEY SPED UP THE FILM I THINK AND ITS PLAYING COMEDIC MUSIC AND ???
this sudden turn to comedy movie is VERY JARRING??
at seven minutes until the end i have NO IDEA WHAT THE HAP IS FUCKENING and - they want to kill the communist cops now, this is no longer a comedy.
at this point, anything could happen.
AND THEN THE WITCH WAKES UP AND FIGHTS THE COPS AND THE COUNT TRIES TO CHOKE HER OUT AND THEN HE STABS SOME POLICEMENT IN THE ASS WITH A TRANQUILIZER AND TRANQS THE WITCH AND NOW THEY’RE DOING? SOMETHING ELSE? WITH THE WITCH?
AND THEN THEY BRING THE WITCH BACK TO THE LAKE THEY MURDERED HER IN AND THEY DROWN THE WITCH IN THE LAKE WHILE SHE SCREECHES AND DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS AND THEN THE WITCH DISSOLVES MAYBE AND LEADING MAN’S WIFE IS BACK AND OK AND THEY KISS AND THE COUNT DRIVES THEM AWAY FROM THE LAKE WHILE THEY ALL COMPLAIN ABOUT THE PLACE except the wife who’s like I’LL BE BACK and then the movie’s over.
rating: what?? out of Witch?? on the beetsometer. it kept swinging from Mildly A Movie to What On Earth and wow. what even was that last chunk
emoji of the movie: jeeguscreegus.emoji
[Watch it on Youtube!] [Watch it on Dailymotion!]
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The Mad Monster (1942)
‘A mad scientist changes his simple-minded handyman into a werewolf in order to prove his supposedly crazy scientific theories - and exact revenge.‘
‘the movie sounds like Lawnmower Man but with Werewolf’ @villainpunk
thirty seconds into the movie and two of us see the ‘wolf’ and we just go ‘thats a gotdamn coyote’
they really waste NO time getting to the mad science, we’ve got a wolfman within five minutes (through nothing more than a simple wolfblood transfusion, apparently’
science man is trying to sell this as a miracle and @bioelectriccell said it best: ‘What kind of miracle is this. How is this in any way useful‘
oh, he wants to make an army of wolfmen, apparently.
‘ok but mad science werewoofs eat nazis is a GREAT plan actually’ @gwenfrankenstien
debating whether this is him practicing a speech, or if he’s just hallucinating.
or if it’s just ye olde zoom meeting.
I’d like to note that this was tagged as ‘drama, horror, romance’ on IMDB.
oh the mad scientist man has a DAUGHTER here
this was apparently a double feature with The Devil Bat. It may also be the same set.
a child appeared onscreen!
whatever happened, happened offscreen but we both think the kid got ate/murdered
(confirmed several minutes later the kid did a die)
someone thinks the mystery murder beast is a dinosaur and this is funnier than it should be
‘it's wild to think blood transfusion was actually seen as crackpot science for decades’ @villainpunk
this is part of the reason I love looking back at old mad scientist movies because its like. ‘sir this is just regular science’, minus ‘using wolf blood’.
like when radiation does anything that’s not ‘gives you the cancers’
this is just when people dress up their dogs
there’s something very charming about werewolves that are just very hairy men with sharp teeth. like. yes, those are the most important features of a wolf, apparently.
Lamenting the fact that the audio quality on my copy of this is so poor, I have misheard so many things. The Professor who gets murdered via wolfman is named Blaine, but I initially heard it as Blabe, and others got Blaze and Blame, and I’m stealing ‘Professor Blame’ as my new supervillian oc.
LOVE the old lady who just keeps trying to tell people ITS A WEREWOLF and everyone just dismisses her. one of the guys insisted at one point its a DINOSAUR or something and he wont consider WOLFMAN as a viable option.
I’m presenting this comment from @villainpunk without any context.
also shoutout to the phrase ‘exciting the various glands’
the wolfman has murdered a few people but we haven’t seen him eat anyone yet. I’m not sure why i’m expecting the wolfman to eat people.
‘the natural enemy of the mad scientist is the mob’ @gwenfrankenstien
At about an hour into the movie, I realize that despite a lot of things HAPPENING, it doesn't feel like the plot has gone anywhere.
also there’s not been any romance. IMDB lied.
the wolfman spends a lot of time being very well dressed.
shoutout to another comedically abrubt ‘oh shit we gotta end this movie huh’
rated a solid ‘ok i guess’ on the beetsometer. Nothing phenomenal, but far from BAD. just got some pacing issues.
emoji of the film: sciencegasp
[Watch it on Youtube!]
#The Mad Monster#Mad Scientist Theatre#johnny downs#george zucco#anne nagel#glenn strange#movie with link
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The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues (1955)
Okay this poster is way cooler than it has any right to be.
time for some BLACK AND WHITE FIFTIES MONSTER MOVIEEEEE
‘production company ARC is AIP before it was AIP were in for a Ride‘ @gwenfrankenstien
you see the monster within the like.. first MINUTE of the movie, this is man is rubber suit speedrun.
‘that's an ultraman kaiju right there’ @villainpunk
we’re all trying to figure out which other movies this beach has been in...
‘this reminds me of like 12 films at once it's making me nuts’ @realdirtfacts
perpetually amused by men in suits on regular-ass sandy beaches.
this rapidly devolved into everyone making jokes about romancing the fishman
not helped by a handful of opportunities to make dick jokes about nuclear shafts and the beast ‘down there’.
there IS, IN FACT, AN ATTEMPTED HARPOON MURDER and the harpoonist missed and we all made fun of him.
You get a LOT of good views of the man-in-rubber-suit monster and it’s genuinely delightful. I’m so used to the monster being offscreen or only barely glimpsed.
I think the most fascinating part of this is that even though the monster is here and you get a lot of shots of it, it’s not actually a key part of the plot? as @gwenfrankenstien said, ‘its like a spy movie with a monster in it‘
which is v cool and unexpected, actually. probably disappointing if you went into this LOOKING for monster movie.
‘The real monster..... is MAN’ @bioelectriccell
This one suffers again from a slightly abrupt ending but can’t complain too much. I enjoyed it, though I don’t know if it’s one i’d rewatch
i’d rate it a solid sure out of YEAH! on the beetsometer, plus a few bonus points for explosions.
emoji of the film: smileyfish
That water definitely was not 10,000 leagues deep, though. False advertising.
[Watch it on Youtube]
#The Phantom from 10000 Leagues#mad scientist theatre#kent taylor#cathy downs#michael whalen#movie with link
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Snowbeast (1977)
‘A Colorado ski resort is besieged by a sub-human beast that commits brutal murders on the slopes.’
@inktail pointed out this basically sounds like Skifree: The Movie
EMOJI OF THE FILM: yetifree
and we haven’t even started the movie yet!
Would like to note: this was made for tv. a true sign of QUOLITY (though given that some of the other things we’ve seen around here were straight to vhs...)
you get a glimpse of yeti less than two minutes into the movie and then its a bunch of skiing shots. this movie knows WHAT its ABOUT
we all latched on to the old lady and tried to figure out who she was - @villainpunk came through, her name is Sylvia Sydney and she had parts in Beetlejuice and Mars Attacks (you know, actual movies?)
‘QUICK SEE IF THIS IS A REAL OLYMPIC SKI MAN’ @beetleboo
‘I believe that is Bo Svenson’ @villainpunk
‘is he a Real Ski Man’ @beetleboo
‘no, he is a real sweden man however. close enough’ @villainpunk
I think this movie is like 50% shots of people skiing and scenic mountain vistas.
of the very boring relationship drama, @villainpunk suggests ‘guys, just. just have a threesome. drama over’
‘Have a foursome with the yeti’ THANKS @bioelectriccell
GAR SAYS YETI RIGHTS!!
you can definitely tell where this movie was intended to cut to commercials.
they find the body of someone the yeti slapped
GAR HAS CHANGED HIS MIND ON YETI RIGHTS!!
invite the yeti to your high school auditorium gatherings lest YETI GET MAD
yeah there are just vast swathes of ‘hey look at these folks skiing’
very dull, get back to the yeti murders.
or, alternatively, as half the viewers seem to want, yeti kissing.
honestly at like an hour in i realized how bored i was with this movie and thats saying something for a movie with MURDER YETI. there is NO EXCITEMENT HERE.
at a little over an hour i turned the movie up to 1.3 speed and these people all talk so slow that they sound normal at that speed.
this says everything you need to know about snowbeast tbh
the ending SUCKS SHIT you never GET TO SEE THE YETI IN A FULL SHOT and i rate this I COULD HAVE SLEPT THROUGH THIS out of TEN on the beetsometer.
‘we had more yeti in the chat than in the movie’ @villainpunk
[Watch it on Youtube] or [Watch it on Dailymotion] but actually dont its just boring.
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Metamorphosis (1990)
aaaaaAAAAA
not related to franz kafka’s the metamorphosis, alas.
the main character in this movie looks a little bit like at least six different people. tom cruise, bradley cooper, christian bale, canadian prime minister justin trudeau, ‘every lesbian in 1990′ (according to @gwenfrankenstien and nate falloutfour.
we are all tearing apart this movie’s shitty science. ‘uncontrolled cell growth’ is literally cancer, sir.
i dig the soundtrack to this movie. the soundtrack belongs to a better film than this.
The dialogue in this film is ATROCIOUS and neither of the two leads can act, they are definitely here based on looks only.
‘shoutout to willie the man who has maybe heard of acting once before’ @gwenfrankenstien
We get some cryptic flashbacks that dont tell us much about whatever hes flashing back to.
‘IS there anything more 1990 than Random Squash Interlude’ @gwenfrankenstien
About halfway through the film he looks at a computer which says its detected a cromosomic anomaly and i immediately declared that if the mad science injection did a thing and gave him superwhatever from having an extra cromosome i was gonna HOWL.
then he goes to the isle of capri which is, apparently, a bar and i was rooting for a shitty fight scene and instead we got a short but actually decent fight.
at 50minutes in hes got some weird makeup fx on his face and then immediately in the next scene its like. gone. and then the next scene he’s got weird makeup on its a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LOOK.
and that look is like someone left Data out in the sun too long :(
:(
‘he is regressing genetically into an organism we are not geneticaly related to’ @inktail
this movie is full of the stupidest technobabble. so bad
also important: this is a christmas movie, in the same way that die hard is.
also this is our second movie with A Lizard Man and they both have shitty makeup.
after about an hour and fifteen minutes i figured out what the music reminds me of and it is the soundtrack to the original Deus Ex. @bioelectriccell agrees.
his makeup at the climax of the film reminded me of one thing, and one thing only.
and its probably for the best that we never see it in good lighting.
this movie really fails at ever conveying a sense of urgency.
‘this movie fails at conveying.... anything’ @gwenfrankenstien
WHAT WAS IT.
A NIGHTMARE... FROM THE PAST...
the whole ending bit of this was worth the drudgery of the rest. holy shit.
rating on the beets-o-meter: 5/10 for most of the movie, kinda boringly bad, and then 10000/10 for the ending LMAO
ship of the movie: i mean the two main characters do the do at one point so i guess that but literally no one in this movie had anything resembling a hint of chemistry with anyone else
emoji of the movie: tendervittles
[Watch on Tubi] or [Watch on Youtube]
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