the path

Feels like I just clicked on a fast-forward button to skipped the 2 years of my life since the last time I wrote in this blog. My English and vocabs might sounds worser than those past 2 years lol. But hey, I'm still me! It's meeee, I'm alive, still breathing thank God for that, feeling great except for the cough and flu I caught since Saturday which still makes me feel sluggishy. Other than that, I feel great to be at home. :)

Oh god, I haven't opened tumblr in yearssssss. FREAKIN years. I also forgot that this blog existed. I used to love writing so much even though there's no audience since writing exposes my thoughts and I was able to grab a hold of my own chaotic self lol. I never knew writing used to makes me so happy (well sometimes I also writes during those depressing times haha cheers). Glad that I logged in my tumblr account out of nowhere, for initially wanting to check my main aesthetic tumblr account where I posted mainly neutral coded colors of pictures. I've missed reblogging so much, it feels weird how I used to be so obsessed with tumblr, but life happens, I gets busy, and I totally left it on dust.

When I read back what I wrote in this blog, it felt surreal. Was that me? I did write those? It's crayyyzyyy. It feels like there's some other character which I didn't get to know her, but she feels somewhat familiar yet quietly strange. When I was little, I used to have so many diaries, I realized now I've been loving writing in a diaries just casually talking about how my days went, what I did at school, who my friends are, and what I feel about my crush. Gosh, school crushes are the cringy-est thing ever. Welp, let's not talk about that.

According to this blog, the last time I wrote here was on the year 2020. For the past 2 years, there wasn't much happened in my life. To be honest, my life was pretty going down south since Covid-19 happened. I didn't go out much, I stayed at home all the time with my parents. I didn't even had the courage to drive a car which lasted me for 2 years of not driving. I only started to drive again when I had to go for my internship since nobody is going to send me to the office.

Mundane. That was the perfect word to describe my life since the pandemic. When I said my life was going down south, it's not just my life, it's more like my own self. I was lost. I lost myself. It kinda feels weird to say this, but I barely remember what I did for these 2 years. Probably because everyday was the same thing all over and it keeps repeating. Online classes, chores, cats, staying at home, wearing face masks, social distancing, and the BIGGEST slap on my face is not being able to socialize.

Siggggghhhhhh......

Me being a social awkward potato is already a huge obstacle in my life and while staying at home I developed a much bigger problem which is SOCIAL ANXIETY. As an introvert, I like being at home enjoying things that I love most which is sleep and just do whatever the fuck I want but who would have imagined I had to stay at home for 2 freaking years??? There are some of my friends that invited me over to joined them, but since I stopped driving a car I was paranoid of both driving and Covid which is sucks because it left me feeling FOMO. But now that I think about it again, I made a right choice. I couldn't go out too much where the viruses are still wildly spreading since I live with my parents and they both have chronic illnesses so I couldn't be way to carefree about this deadly virus. Girl can't risks her only financial and mental support haha (jokes). Anyways, I only ended up followed where my parents go, meeting with only close family members and still being cautious with every step I go. I was very skeptical at the beginning about wearing face masks but these days there are a lot of new designs and I'm glad I've found one that I can easily breathe in. As someone who is claustrophobic about the face masks, that is also one of the reason why I always choose to stay at home feeling fomo instead of having trouble breathing for wearing face masks for hoursss outside just to hanging out with friends. Nope, definitely a no no. 2 years have passed and BOOM - social anxiety! Ya girl now gets nervous as fuck everytime she tries to socialize with people.

Since it was too awkward to even start a conversation with people, I started going on internet a lot, much more than I ever did. After my online classes finishes, I went on watching YouTube streams, Twitch, and finally found Discord. I was getting myself into streamers and Japanese VTubers which makes me self-learn Japanese language again just for the sake of understanding what my beloved Vtuber said. Fangirl me is a no joke xD

And until one day, I found Discord. At the beginning, I thought Discord is just a platform where the gamers and streamers likes to hang out virtually. It reminds me of Skype though. Skype brings me so much memories. But yeah, as I went and dig around this newly found apps, I took an interest to it and tried to enter some random servers that I could. It was out of nowhere, just a random click on a very mundane boring sluggy day, someone from one of the random server I joined messaged me privately. This person asked me to be their friend which I thought was weird since I barely even talked in the server and suddenly wanting to become friends? The person even send me a gif. of an anime with a cat waving paws which I find it cute. So I just said yes. We messaged trying to get to know each other. It was hard to messaged on real time due to the different time zones. But in the end, everything worked out. And I have a boyfriend now! <3

What a surprise, I know. Who would have thought me who had always have weird crushes on random people I saw in college and uni, ended up with a boyfriend from the internet lol. It was out of nowhere I didn't planned on having any partner in life since I was already hopeless in myself. But I guess, love will finds you and sometimes in a most unexpected ways. I wanted to share more about this love of my life, but maybe in another post. So that's how I got myself a boyfriend and we are now have been together for 1 year and 3 months. I honestly glad I found someone online, because I would have no balls trying to flirt and find someone in real life. Cuz ya girl got social anxiety... and flirting? What's that? lol

My life has been pretty much the same except now that I got a boyfriend. I usually spend my time with him, my mom and dad, and of course my beloved cats :3 Oh! I also just got new kittens. Omel gave birth to cute little babies. I'm not sure if I'm gonna keep them or not but for now I just wanna cherish the moment I'm living right now. Ever since I met my boyfriend, I find myself being so much happier ♡

I wasn't so sure about this path I'm currently on but I guess I'll just have to keep going :) There might be ups and downs and this is the path that's called life. And I'm the main character in this path in this life!

Never stop believing and never give up on yourself,

dear,

me.

A life update

Hey there. It’s been a long time since I wrote in this blog. I guess it was 6 months ago, isn’t it? Well, to tell you the truth, there’s a lot of things changing in my life for the past six months. As usual, there are up and downs.

I couldn’t even believe myself that I am currently on degree semester 2. Life is happening pretty quick, huh? I met a lot of new friends, encounter new adventures, and explore new things. My life is pretty ordinary these days. And I think I kinda changed a bit. I mean, in good ways. I talked to people a lot, not being afraid trying to approach people first. I could say that I’m trying to accept more people in my life so that it wouldn’t be lame? lol. 

My true personality is finally showing in the public. I’d always wanted to show people who I really am. I don’t want to be that quite shy person again. I wanted to be recognize by everyone. I wanted to be loved too. Thankfully, I met some new friends that I could count on. Yes, I do still have trust issues with people but I’m slowly trying to believe that I could trust these people with my life. 

But there are times when my overthinking moods came. It affects me sometimes. I am easily distracted when I’m overthinking. But it doesn’t really gets worse. I would feel better quicker. I’m glad my confidence is back. I wish I become a lotttt of better person in the future. I want to be me. The real me where I couldn’t hide and be afraid of the world ever again. I want to be brave. Braver than anything so that I could face whatever that is coming up to me.

I want to love myself more. I only want to be kind to myself. No more self destruction. I know I can be the person that is me. Me, no one else, just me. Cheers to healing ;)

U know when you like someone so much n it just hurts your heart

I went for a dinner with my lil bro and one of my high school friend last night. Never in my mind I thought I get to socialize again. I haven’t talk to any of my friends in the past months. It feels reaaaallllyyy weird. Also, I bumped into one girl which was once my friend during high school. But thankfully, I sat opposite to her and didn’t even look at her. Thank god we didn’t face each other. 

Actually my mood wasn’t that good today. I feel sluggish as f. I woke up at 12 pm. I don’t even have appetite to eat. I feel angry, frustrated and all I wanna do is throwing tantrum. Thanks to my lil bro for taking me out for dinner. 

These days I always feel angry and I feel like I want to throw things around the house. My mood hasn’t always been good. I hate feeling this way. I feel like I’m so miserable. I hate how little things annoys me so so much. I don’t know what to do with my life. I feel like crying all the time.

To be honest, I doesn’t really feel sad about not continuing my studies. I want to pursue my degree but I just don’t know which course suits me. I’ve been worrying about picking the course since before my spm. I don’t even know what I like. I don’t have hobbies. 

When I was having a conversation with my friend and my lil bro, they asked me “what are the things that i like?” I took a long silence thinking about what i like. My brother said try to say 5 things that I like. Dude, I can’t even list that out. At that moment, I knew my life was so fucked up. I just said I like Biology, editing and designing and also cats. That’s only 3 things. 

I feel so stuck in my life right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m worried. I’m frustrated with myself. I’m such a failure. I can’t even figure out what I like. I just wanna cry all day long. I hate myself. 

Can this voice just go fuck off from my head? I wanna cry and die

You don’t know how little you matter until you’re all alone.

Frank Ocean (via quotexcerpts)

being in ur 20s really is like *looks in the mirror* so i guess this is the most attractive i’ll ever be :/

(via Marigold Fairy | What type of Flower Fairy would you be?)

(via Fantasy Princess! | What kind of Princess are you? (Very detailed results!))

To failing is our way to success

moonicotine

september ‘19

The fact that I am no longer a teenager is kinda terrifying. It just feels like yesterday was my 20th birthday and suddenly it’s already 3rd of September. These past months have been chaotic. I would rather say, emotionally chaotic. 

I’ve been off from social medias since early April which I never thought I would do. Shutting everyone down from my life was never easy. I feel bad about it though, but I desperately need my time alone. Social medias suffocate me sometimes. I just want to get back and focus on my real life instead of checking my phone. 

Being in my comfort zone for too long kinda exhaust me. It’s crazy to say this but I miss going on adventures and doing routines. My life has been pretty gloomy these days although I can do whatever the hell that I want, but I choose not to. I here clarify that procrastinate is my bestest friend. There are days where things are super hectic and there are days where I just feel like being in my bed all day long. 

Leaving my teenage years and still haven’t decide what I wanted to do with my life worries me. I don’t even know what my passion is. I had always wanted to be like everyone else. Normal, just like everyone else did. Suffering from social anxiety is sucks. I am on a middle of a seesaw and I don’t know where to go.

“People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves.” - Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted