I’m sorry Symone.

Dear self, 

Be as mad you need to be, be as sad as you need to be. Do everything you need to do, as long as you know when the hurting is over, that you blame only one person for this pain. You did this to yourself, you allowed this to happen. I thought you were done being played with? I thought another guy wouldn't get you to hurt again? What happened? 

You needed somewhere to stay? he covered you. 

You needed some money? He spotted you.

You wanted sex? Well, He fucked you. (later to see it was in numerous ways.)

You wanted love? Well, he told you he did, He showed you he didn't. 

You knew better than to fall in love with someones potential once you saw who they were to you from the very beginning. How did you think such a person would want to change?

You knew a baby wouldn't keep him, no matter what he told you in the car that morning. 

You knew you was never the only girl. You knew he wasn't going to marry you. So why did you let some weak ass wordplay get you down this bad?

I'm sorry Symone, but I don't feel sorry for you.. We all hurt, we all cry, and we all move on. No nigga that hasn't reached his peak as a man would think of the emotional damaged he caused, you know why? cause YOU aint leave him alone. He had his way with you each and every avenue. 

You didn't have to cook for him, you didnt have to sex him, you didn't have to tell him “I love you.” You didn't have to think of business plans for him. You didn't have to plan imaginary trips with him ( you KNEW you were never going to travel with him.)

He owes you nothing. He isn't sorry, he doesn't feel too bad, (probably only over the fact you be crying and sad about a relationship that's been dead for two years), and he just doesn't want you. The saga is over Symone, its been over, so let it go.

Scroll up to the top if you need a reminder that you can cry and pout all you need to, but remember who he always was to you, and remember who you need to be now. All the revenge in your mind will not heal your heart. I love you Symone, act as such. 

P.S. You'll be okay. No matter how long it takes. 💕 

Forever in my heart, forever in my prayers.

10:26 PM EST.

I don’t know what I should feel, and I’ve said all I’ve couldve said. I don’t know how to move forward, but I know I miss the body heat next to me in bed.

Everything in one person that was all I’ve ever known. But as of lately, my emotions and mind have been blown.

I truly do not know or understand why things had to check me the way that they did, but I know I ain’t deserve this heart ache, even if god forbid. I knew, she knew, they knew, we all knew. But how did the one person I ever REALLY loved left my heart to have no choice to turn blue? Na, take that back, cause I know love is love. But love isn’t harmful, deceitful, and evil.

I can never make you be who you aren’t meant to be, and as I said before, you just enjoy the thought of me.

Clean pussy, clean house, good food good sex, but even through and through, I was still never at my best. But was what my best wasnt yours? Because you should’ve known you was supposed to love yours.

Enough of that rhyming shit, here it is.

I dedicated majority of five years worth of love, hate, happiness, anger & transparency to one person. Cannot state or say that others didn’t distract me at times. But home, was where my heart was. I’m not sure what to say in a blog I’ve nelgected for years. And whoever still reads these things can’t possibly be fulfilled from me constantly talking the same person day in and day out. I fucked up on my end because as a woman, you have to know your worth, you have to stand on your word, and you have no other choice but to be “strong” but being such things will never guarantee you your happy ending. No matter if I eleminated the memories, the flash backs, and the voice of you that plays over in my head, I cannot see beyond the measure of danger, damage, and betrayal he embedded in me.

I stayed for many reasons. Security, stability, and even though no single human being saw it or felt it, the love. It was a broken love, a hurting love, a addicting love. But it was never the RIGHT love. Love doesn’t have you coming to a woman as a woman, love doesn’t make you look like a fool beyond measure, love doesn’t make you forget who you are.

I can’t say what we had was actually love. This love was struggling, draining, and hurting.

I can say..... these five years gave me endless lessons. Endless laughs, a endless bond that I have never felt in my life ever. These five years gave me what no other person could. Even the pain and suffering.

I’ve contemplated deadly thoughts, I contemplated running away, I contemplated that maybe... you never even wanted a forever with me. I was just filling the void, of whatever you never got fulfillment from. All I know is. When I hurt, I hurt others. When I hurt, I don’t wanna be here anymore. When I hurt, I’m not happy.

I wanted what seemed so impossible because I’m one to fall so hard. And honestly in this generation it just seems like falling is for the weak. And there’s room for the weak these days. But another year, I’m left to pick up my own pieces and head the I told you so speech from the outsiders watching. I knew better, and thought you did too.. but our versions of knowing better and doing better just weren’t aligned.

I thought a man who admired my business ethic, my ambition and dedications was good enough. But it can’t be when outside desires control your actions. I thought I was the one you would switch up for but it just never happened. I fell nothing short of foolish to the actions that were just covering up wrong doings over time. I fell foolish to your lies that just seemed so believable. I felt for everything, every single time.

My trust is gone, my heart is fading and my mind is shook. My emotional traumas have been triggered almost every day. I still say your name I still see your face, I still see it as if nothing happened. I want it to be over because a record of heartbreak just seems to be the only song in rotation. Needed to put my pain into words even if this blog spiraled out of emotional control. But this is my mind, daily.

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A dose of depression.

This weekend, i had a set back. I fell back into my depression. I didn’t have the desire to eat, i didn’t want to leave my room, i didn’t even wash my ass until it was night time. I didn’t even look at myself in the mirror when i went to the bathroom, i didn’t even want to be inside my own body. A series of events sometimes lead up to these moments and sometimes just a load of self doubt piles up and explodes in my soul. There’s no medicinal cure to this. I don’t believe in it. I believe that i have to be my own doctor at this mental diagnosis and pull myself up out of this level of damage, pain, and hurt within myself. I could acknowledge the people who may have contributed to this shit I’m battling, but they’re doing fine and well with their lives. They’re not hurting from what they’ve done to me. I can’t look at them the same ever again. I believe that God saw fit for me to continue out my dreams and do whatever i have to do to make sure i eventually receive the blessings that have been in the works for over a decade. I believe that there will be a beautiful rainbow at the end of my storm. And i believe that i will be blessed with eternal happiness and no one can or will be able to ever rob me of that again. I will love myself and i will be who I’m meant to be. I’m just so sad at this moment, i feel lifeless almost. I feel like i May have lost my purpose for a brief moment. That’s what my depression is capable of. I can’t control it sometimes. It’s when i become a prisoner of my own thoughts that i just die away in the cell of hell within myself. I try to laugh to keep from crying just to make sure my heart doesn’t break more than it already has before. Because my heart and my name is all i have leftover from the rollercoaster of life I’ve been through. I just miss the old me sometimes. But she had to go so the new me can evolve. I pray it will work out. And i pray i won’t be too sad for long. The tears are becoming too comfortable...

♒️ (at Fayetteville, North Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/BznWm9hBFlx/?igshid=5fbgdhfy1aa8

One year mark.

Dear Killz,

It's been one year (and a few months) into this decision. This step forward, this milestone, for you, for me. And most importantly the biggest leap I've ever took in my life. A year ago, i paid $500 to take a class to get certified on performing eyelash extensions. I knew i had to be licensed in order to work in a shop, but that wasn't what i had plans for with my brand. I knew everyone else around my peers were interested in the same thing. I was discouraged for many weeks at a time. Very anxious, and very immature when i began taking girls in for appointments. I rushed my work, i gave half ass attempts and i wasn't even my toughest critic to myself. I played with this shit for a little too long and was losing focus and effort. I started drifting off and wanting to do other beauty enhancement services. I saw so many of us following trends and still not being multi faced. But it was my job to keep everyone in on my plans. Because i never always thought the exact same way as someone else. None of us do. But, i had took on more researching than browsing. I started reading into more beauty blogs and started following more entrepreneurs rather than IG influencers, which don't get me wrong they're positive to follow to for inspiration. But, they're already where i WANTED to be. That wasn't gonna give me the game to move myself towards that position. Hell there are no more positions you sign up for, you make your OWN, at least you do in this career. I've invested every dime to my name for months to pull this shit off. I know off hand I'm making a mistake and costing myself more financial struggles but I'm doing it for MYSELF and By MYSELF because i was the only person who stayed after every loss, every mistake, every bill, every mood shift towards this, I'm still here. I'm still working. I'm still consistent. But I'm still not happy. I'm still not satisfied. But i pray, and talk with god about my plans and day dream every day about when i finally get across the finish line 🏁 cause this marathon has been goin on since January 2016 when i received the email that i couldn't continue out a previous plan. I was lost for a long time. I didn't know what i was cut out to do. I just pray that this is where I'm supposed to be because this is what makes me happy the most. I thank god for making a way for me to become who i am. I'm thankful for it all. The L's hit different when they're just tougher lessons to the heart and mind. I'm ready to be so wrapped up in every direction my life has planned out for me. So infatuated with my brand because this is my baby. I birthed this, i stayed true to it and im so hopeful for the future of it, no one can take that away from me. Thankful for anyone and everyone that's ever came to my house and allow me to work on you. 2019 has been a blessed year thus far. When it's time for year 2 check in, I'm gonna amaze my self with everything I've mastered this year. ♥️

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3NjXVis0KlM&feature=youtu.be

i guess I'll hide out here...

This is the year i become full on unapologetic.

I cannot and will not commit my emotions or empathy to ones that have not done the same.

I will not accommodate anyone's emptiness and i will not make myself available to fill anyone's void.

That got me absolutely no where in the past five years. I've been too forgiving and too willing to so many, you'd think i was a punk ass bitch.

Yes, a punk ass bitch. For always living to satisfy others and try to always remain in good standing with relationships and friendships. I wanted to maintain friendships that were beneath me. Not trying to attempt to sound like my shit don't stank but it's true. I made myself committed to people that i get that i had to beg for support. How does that work? My content is DAMN good and i practice what i post.

I've lended my helping hand so often that I'm convinced the shit is fractured if not broken. I've kept my cool and played a lot of shit to the left when i should've really amped on people that weren't meeting my standards. I owe my self this entire year. Every dollar, every trip, every hustle, every memory. I owe it to myself.

This is the year i claim complete selfishness and stick to it . Cause every bitch says that shit and turns around and gets they ass right back into fucked up situations. Not i, not Killz. I cannot afford my sanity to be played with.

I've sat back in the last few weeks and recognized my own toxic behavior, my own blame games i played and i checked myself, even though i already wrecked myself. I will not allow myself and worth to fall short ever again. I don't deserve it. I forgave myself of my own actions and do i wow a few people an apology ? Eh, maybe but honestly I'd call it even and walk away because i didn't receive an apology from those same people and not going tit for tat but if you can't approach shit the same way i have, then you're not worth me giving you that amount of acknowledgement or energy.

This blog is for anyone and everyone that wants to make a vow to themselves and walk away as a one man show and be perfectly fine completing the tour of 2019 for themselves by themselves. This is for the readers that no longer wanna give a damn about what ANY MOTHERFUCKA got to say about what they do.

I spent every year of my life as long as i can remember always focused on what someone thought of me and how someone felt about me and guess what? I was still broke and hungry after the fact. This year. I'm hungry, I'm starving, and I'm unapologetic for any feathers I'm going to ruffle about my moves. Because if a person really vibed with you for YOU, they gon' feel it. And they gon' respect.

2019, it's time.

Killz ♥️

A Konversation with Killz and Co

Lately. My mind has been literally everywhere, but Airico, Co for short has been a helpful guidance on seeking my own purpose and my own self acknowledgement of my worth. She's a perfect example of "someone you've known for 5 months can change your life for the better than someone who's known you for five years."

So, i came to her about this idea about collaborating my words with her inspiration, and here we are, sharing a #Konversation.

Topic One: Opinions, Do they really have an affect on YOU?

Here are our thoughts ..

AiricoAspire 🌹| @airicomona

To begin with its important to understand what exactly is an “opinion.” It is simply a view or judgement formed about something that is either true or false.

Killz: From my personal experience, the opinion of others moreso of certain individuals definitely had an impact on my life and personal take on myself. From the time i was younger, from the the opinions and comments of others about my hair, my clothes down to my shoes were always affecting me. It always played a role in how i viewed myself. Now granted in society TODAY the main message "painted" out to many of our target audiences is that "Opinions don't matter or that they shouldn't" but honestly, even though they aren't supposed to, they do.

AiricoAspire:

Let’s go back some time to when we were children. During childhood our parents, teachers, or elders told us what to do and we were expected to do it. Additionally, think about when we were in elementary school and your peers picked on you for whatever reason. When we think about doing things we were told to do, it’s almost like we were taught to listen to other people’s opinion. It makes me think of this whole “do what they say” vibe. This is why we reach out for opinions to justify our decision making.

Killz:Social media has created many larger platforms that project the opinions of millllions of people and everyone takes to them differently. I've been affected by people's opinions when it comes to my handling of friendships, relationships and business endeavors. Some may have commented on how i handle a client, some may comment on how i treat relationship online.

AiricoAspire:

The two analogies recently explained how opinions has been placed on us since birth. Which explains why we spend our lives wanting to be accepted by family members, peers, and society that we feel like we need opinions from others to simply survive. However, that is far from the case. In this moment, think about the various opportunities you have turned down due to someone else’s opinion. Also, dig deep to think about the way someone else’s opinion has truly affected you. Opinions affect who we are because it limits us from our greatest potentials. But why do opinions matter, when we are all different in our own ways, with different dreams, values and beliefs.

Killz:

But let's open our eyes to this theory: what IF the ONE opinion that was against your calling was projected onto an individual that was holding a gateway to expanding you in POSITIVE WAYS. What If they were fed a false negative vibe about YOU and now they withdraw the helping hand?

Obvious response mentally would be, F*ck em, make your own way. It's much easier when the opinions of others don't hold weight to the path you're walking. Because to be completely honest, opinions ain't payin' the bills.

Much love from Killz and Co,

We'll be back soon ♥️

Hello new. Goodbye old.

If you're wondering, which many of you are, what happened to me last year, I'll be glad to be openly honest with you. I'll tell you what i overcame, and I'll tell you what took over me. I allowed myself to become consume with doubt, hate,misery, and a substantial amount of lost self love. I did not love myself last year. I forgot who i was last year. Yes, i established some new business endeavors and yes i took a few steps forward. Nevertheless, i was knocked more steps back. I brought in 2018 depressed, longing for the first guy ever to have every ounce of me to take me back, little did i know, i wasn't his fully. See, i can read and write about a Man day in and day out. BUT, until the same things happen to me, in my own manner, i cannot speak on it how i am about to now, as you would see how another woman would when it happens to her. I was stepped out on, and the hardest question i had to ask my own soul was "how did i not know?" "How did i let this happen to me?" "Am i going to stay?".

I fought with myself for weeks about losing myself over a human being that would still remain every bit of himself once time passed over. I was sold a dream that... was obvious that couldn't be bought. Meaning, i was sold a dream car, but by a nightmare salesman. Last year, i cried almost ...just almost every day of my life. Many times you may have saw the laughter more than anything. But, if you know Symone, you know she will laugh to keep from crying.

I lost, literally, every single person i could count on. It's not a matter of being alone that's a problem for me. It's the matter of being lonely when you're told you're surrounded by "love". I've been put last by the Man i loved first. I've been left behind and lied to so bad, if the truth was standing in front of me, I'd be a blind woman.

I need my readers (i would never label you as my fans) to understand why i couldn't provide genuine content. Why i couldn't give you the reads you were so supportive of for years. I wasn't myself. I wasn't the writer "Killz". I had no passion or desire to pick up a pen and paper or grab a tablet or my laptop and just express what i was going through.

I gave you guys MAYBE a good 5 reads in the last year, and y'all know damn well i be writing my ass off.

Don't think of it as me bullshitting because i got hurt by a guy. It's so much more to that.

Love, Friendship, Trust, and Family have all developed new definitions in my terminology. I can't look at anything the same.

As i prepare for the 26th round of life, I'm thinking to myself "what am i gonna do different? How am i going make this my winning year?"

For the first time in twenty-five years of breathing life on this earth, i drove myself crazy over a man. A man who remained sane through every single selfish act he committed against me. And i broke myself down, made myself sick, and couldn't even tell who i was anymore even when i looked in the mirror. Every woman who entertained him, knew about me. They knew exactly who i was. And even though he told one story, my actions told a different one. But here i am, the Only one that remained broken, lost, and damaged. I didn't know if i was really mentally ready to write this one out because i know many questions will be asked. But this is the only answer I'm going to give. To anyone and everyone.

It's hard to move on when you're in the shared space that you're hurting in that you're given to heal. It's hard to rebuild yourself back up in front of the audience that played a role in witnessing you break that leg on stage. I'll never be the same girl ever again. I'll never be who i used to be. Why? Because you cannot go back to a life or identity once it has been tainted with and broken. Can you look through a broken a window the same way as one that is whole? Exactly. This write up is not about who did what to me. It's a catch up blog to explain why i have been gone. I'm here now. And I'll pick up again one what i was simply destined to do. I became lazy, unmotivated, and very distracted. And it's one of the almost dreadful feelings I've carried for months at a time.

But this had to be a very deep lesson of my life. Besides the same load of stress i had to carry on my bad from working, and struggling. I was a prisoner of my own thoughts that consumed me more than anything. Because Love was a priority for me since i didn't have a home to receive it from anymore. I didn't feel that i could provide myself with enough of it . Well 2019, I'm here to love myself like no one else could. ♥️