No one tells you how incredibly isolated you feel when you get pregnant.

Or maybe its the nausea and morning sickness (or all day sickness) talking.

I should be happy that its finally happening and that I’m progressing so well right? After 2 consecutive miscarriages, this is such a blessing. But the fact is I must have forgotten how hard this is.

I was wearing rose colored glasses when we were planning it and just remembering the fun and exciting stuff about pregnancy. I forgotten how incredibly lonely this is.

No one in my family understand how horrible i feel every single day. No one is changing the way I am. i feel completely helpless and tired and hungry but not wanting to eat anything because everything just comes right back out. Adjusting my lifestyle, all those schedule and work out the window for now..

I can see it in their eyes, i can hear their thoughts.

“How about those other moms that have to work 24/7, how come they can do it”

“Other moms are even exercising and lifting weights”

And I do wonder too. How come they can do it? What’s wrong with me?

I feel like they all think I’m just being lazy or i’m just being a brat and being such weakling about it.

They just don’t understand. Thats what I keep telling myself. Its like you’re always stuck in this hangover that never ends. Puking every time you eat something. Unable to swallow anything because you’re sick of getting sick. Your stomach full of acid because you’re not eating anything.

If it wasn’t covid, I probably got myself IVed in the hospital. It would have been much easier not needing to eat and swallow those prenatal pills that my body so desperately need.

I keep on tracking the days, counting down when I will enter the magical time called “second trimester” where the promise of burst of energy and appetite will come.

Currently in my 11th week and I can’t wait for this trimester to end.

My thoughts are overwhelmingly loud too accompanied by mega vivid dreams. My anxiety is through the roof about this baby. But were claiming it. This one is a normal, healthy baby. I don’t even care if its a girl or a boy. I just want one perfectly healthy and normal baby.

That’s not too much to ask right?

If ever you find these blogs years later when you’re old enough, I wish you’d forgotten the times I was mean to you.

I never envisioned myself to be this “mom”.

In fact, when I was young, I’d always thought I would be a stay at home, fun-loving mom.

I thought it would come naturally to me. I love arts and crafts, I’m great story teller and I’m great at changing voices and inventing story lines.

I should thrive and be the best mom ever, right?

WRONG.

Now that I’m up and its my time to shine, why am I suddenly being this grouchy, mean, nightmare trauma inducing mom??

I’m always mean to you.

I flinch whenever you touch me or show me any type of physical affection.

I ignore you when you talk

I ignore you a lot.

I tune out your voice.

Or simply move away.

This is probably not what you were expecting to read. I’m so sorry to be such a disappointment, my dear. I also don’t know why I have such a hard time showing you how much I love you. And yes, I do. There’s no doubt about it.

I love your chubby cheeks and chonky arms.

I love the way you call me mommy.

I love the way you want to snuggle whenever its bed time.

I love the way you still love me despite of me being so mean to you

I love the way you care for me whenever you think I’m hurt because I have my period.

Sometimes I wonder, if i haven’t gotten you so early in my life, would things have changed? Would I act differently? Would I be more patient towards you? More loving to you?

I never asked you because I was afraid of your answer ( and also because you’re just 6 and i know you still put me up on the pedestal) but sometimes I wonder if you realized what Im doing, will you hate me? Is it causing you trauma? Am i emotionally damaging you?

Probably would..

And you probably should..

Should hate me.

Im such a bad mom.

I really tried, my dear. I tried to be the perfect mom. But there are times that my patience will be running low, or you’ll be just a little too much for me to get triggered.

I don’t know. There’s no explanation for it.

I’ll just have to do my best. Every single day. And hope and pray that all the bad things that are happening will be included in your core memory.

I never thought i’d be affected this much. My whole world seems to be falling apart. I can’t believe I’m dealing with this again.

Bleeding started and I just melted on to my sit. I know what it meant.

Another one? Really?

I dont know how much more i can take.

I supposed i should be grateful. Atleast its gone now instead of finding out it has deformities or abnormalities later. But i just wasn’t expecting it to be so soon.

I’m in pain.

Emotionally. Physically.

Im helpless.

And it doesnt help that everything in my world is just unstable.

My family. My parents.

I don’t know where to go.

I just wanted some comfort. And it was my bad for going to you for comfort. I knew you too well. But I was fragile and I needed someone..

Alas, i was right again. I knew you’d say those things. Your insensitivity proved me right once more. I knew better..

That’s why i like bottling my feelings up inside. No one seems to understand me. I feel trapped inside my thoughts. With those words haunting the walls inside my mind.

I feel so alone.

Sometimes, I just need a little quiet time.

I’m on edge. Anxious.

I feel like everything’s slipping away.

I find myself annoyed at everything.

Specifically..

Sadly..

I turn my annoyance to you.

I’m sorry.

But you can just be too LOUD.

Too rowdy. Too active.

And its too much.

I was so used to my private space. And now I have to share everything.

I love you so much but sometimes I just can’t with you.

I was so scared you wouldn’t be able to talk before but now..

Hay.

Its just a loooot to take in. And you just never stop.

I guess I should be happy that you’re so opinionated and talkative and happy all the time.

But days like today.. I just want to be alone with my thoughts.

Gosh im such a bad mom.

I wonder why I long so much for a baby. For a sibling for you when I’m this bad at taking care of you.

I wonder why I can’t stretch my patience with you when you’re just being happy.

I wonder why I find myself annoyed all the time when i should be glad you’re healthy and loves me so much.

I hate myself for acting this way.

And i hate that I find myself unconciously doing it all the time. Saying hurtful things to you that I wish you will never ever remember or being so mean to you when (as per your words) you’re just a child.

You don’t have any fault for the way you’ve been acting. Im the problem.

And i hate myself for it.

People will say “hey maybe you need a break”

But i find myself loving the break a little too much and dreading to come back to parenting.

Am i depressed? Am i over tired?

Am i drained?

I dont fcking know.

I just want to get over this and be back to my happy old self.

How i wish i can be like those pinterest, stay at home with no care in the world mom.

It’s been awhile.

Its 5:17am and I’m still wide awake overthinking everything as usual.

Due to the pandemic, our little online business is growing. But not without challenges.

I’m constantly torn between trying hard to be this ideal mom.

The fun, activity at home, baking, running around, playing with you kind of mom.

And this other type of mom.

The hustling hard, trying to provide you the best chance in life, no time and always busy working mom.

Believe me it is so damn hard to balance these two roles. There were a lot of night (like tonight) where I just can’t help but cry. Out of frustrations. Or maybe out of loneliness or feeling so alone.

I thought id never feel this way again but here I am.

Maybe im just overwhelmed but im so tired of hearing people constantly playing down my efforts.

It IS so damn hard to make the business grow.

And its also so damn hard to not be an angry mom when you’re always constantly worrying and over thinking about your business.

I guess that’s one of my sickness already.

Im an overthinking, over competitive (but always losing) and i know, i know. I maybe prioritizing other things than you.

I know that i have been ignoring you, avoiding you or a lot of times annoyed at you.

You are at this age where you’re always whining, always so rowdy, always so hyper.

And i know i shouldnt shout or yell but i cant help myself. I hate that im such an angry mom.

I hate lashing out on you.

I wish i didnt have to worry about these things and can kust focus on you.

But i need to do this. Its for you and your future. And yes, maybe a little bit for me too.

Im sorry.

Im sorry that Im being selfish with my time.

And all i do is work work work.

Im sorry that my emotional capacity is just this.

Im sorry that you have to deal with my short patience and you have to endure getting yelled at for the littlest things.

I swear. Im working on it.

I feel soooo bad every time we fight.( Or i get mad.)

I know its so bad for you.

And that we always resort to ipad or some other type of distraction to distract you from the fact that i dont have time for you.

Or dont want to make time for you.

Im sorry im such a bad mom these days.

I never wanted it to be like this.

Honestly, when i was growing up, i wanted to be a stay at home mom.

We would have an activity room where we whip up all these activities and id be thet pinterest mom with all these crafty things.

But reality is, i have to work to give you a better future.

Its such a cliche and you might not understand it now. But its so true.

I want you to have the best chance in life. And i know that it will be challenging but atleast i will try mu best. I hope someday all these efforts will not be put to waste.

I love you so, so much.

And im sorry for being such an angry mom.

We visited my old condo today. That’s where I spent most of my college years. When I saw the place, a wave of nostalgia washed through me. I remember taking my ootds in front of the mirror. (And sometimes even the balcony.)I remember my small room with its pink walls. The colorful walls all over the place. Its so weird being back there after so long.

We met up with the possible tenant who also brought his kids. While we talked terms, you played with them for a bit.

After we wrapped it up, we went to LAKBAY MUSEO in S MAISON. I thought you would enjoy it but turns out, she got scared of all the “statues” over there! Such a shame because it was actually awesome. We managed to get a few shots of you “enjoying” the place.

Since we already visited the dessert museum, we decided to switch things up and go to City of dreams instead and try DREAMPLAY as we’ve never been there.

We decided to check out Klook for offers before buying ticket in the registration area and from P899 we got our tickets in klook for P599 only! That’s a great way to save! Too bad we forgot to check if they have promo in Lakbay Museo as well.

Upon entering the facade, all the great characters like shrek and toothless were there. We felt like we were in another country. It was so well presented and built but I feel like its not meant for toddlers as most of the attractions were for “grown” kids. Like there were extreme play in there that haa height and weight requirements. There were slides all over and you tried one of them but got too scared because you went down wrong (and also because daddy tried to sneak up on you 😅)

I’m so glad that you somehow enjoyed the gingerbread making! Good thing we were able to reserve right away! You had so much fun decorating your very own gingy!

We had such a happy day today! And I just realized how big you’ve grown!

You look so dalaga with your fitted jeans and croptop! 😭Haynako Blor.

Don’t worry! We’ll go and see the world together one play area at a time😅😅

I love you so much!!!! ❤️❤️

So, a few days ago my little Blor turned 4. *gasp*

“FOUR ALREADY?!

”And yes, that’s exactly what I asked myself.

Where did the time go? Sigh.

TIME FLIES.

We always always hear this but even till now I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. But yes..It really does.

One minute ago I was carrying this chunky newborn cleftie, and then the next, she’s climbing over me showering me with wet kisses.

I kinda feel guilty though. I feel like I’m always mad.

Between juggling motherhood (with no yaya!) and being a hands on entrepeneur, I find myself losing my temper a lot. I know, I know. I feel really bad too. I have become that mom I told myself I’ll never be.

Oh well, never say never.

I hate that I easily lose my patience.

I hate that I always snap at her when she’s being too rowdy or if she’s being too clingy.

I hate that I feel like such a sh*tty mom because I can’t be more motherly to her.

Every time I wake up I’ll tell myself:

“Joyce, have a longer patience for Blaire today. Don’t be such an angry mom”

And I try to live up to that but sometimes, I don’t know.. Blaire being a toddler will most probably put my patience up to the test and I always fail.

I remember when she was a baby, and she was being naughty. They will tell me: “you should discipline her so that her horns won’t grow bigger”

“No, she’ll learn whats right when she’s older. “

Gosh, my patience level must be a million! I remeber Blor was at her “worst” baby self: being rowdy, biting my nips during our breastfeeding sesh, or hitting me on the face but I still wasn’t fazed. I was still ok.

And now at 4, she’ll sometimes just give me slurpy wet kisses and I’ll snap. What the hell is wrong with me?? :( what change? Did my patience ran out?

How do I stop myself from being this “angry mom”?

Oversharing? So what!

Lately, people have been mentioning to me how I have a slight tendency to overshare in social media. And yes I do admit posting photos of Blor, posting IG stories of what were up to and where we go etc. Maybe I share a lot. And I don’t care.

Its just that when I post something, it makes a memory. A mark in the internet of what I did this day or what funny thing Blornut said, or what delicious food I ate. And I want to leave that mark.

Is that so bad?

I had my fair share of hard drives conking out, files corrupting. Back ups gaining errors etc

And let’s not forget my laptop dying on me causing me to loose all my photos and files. These events happened almost at the same time btw. And that’s when I knew. Its kinda important posting facebook photos or IG photos are no matter how low res. Its some sort of a backup.

Oh, what I would give back for all my old photos to come back.

It seems I have no copy of it anywhere.

I still mourn for that lost.

After losing those files, that’s when my blogging went really down hill. I just felt unmotivated. What’s the point? I thought to myself.

Anyway, my point is yes. Now that I know better, I just want to document every thing and post as much as I can. Its fun to look back what you did the certain day or what happened that certain afternoon.

If only I have the guts to vlog daily, I would. Haha

Maybe that’s my next challenge. I’m havjng hard time trying to edit our travel vlogs as it is.

Anyway, sharing these photos out into the world.

Sometimes I look at her and wonder

How did she grow up so fast?

From this little cleftie baby to this little kid?? I’m not reasy to lose her “babyness” yet 😭

Time is just going by so fast. Im trying to enoy it but you know, we’re currently at the threenager phase. And it has been really, really challenging.

But that’s for another post.

Nursery class and skipping naps

So, we moved to a new school!

Honestly enrolling Blor to school is kind of like trying on clothes. You never really know how it “fits” until you try. (Maybe bad analogy? Haha im typing this at 5am)

Anyway, the biggest adjustment is that the classes starts 1:15pm! Which means.. there’s no afternoon naps for us😭 (and also the class is around 4 hrs long. )Honestly, I need the nap more than Blor haha but she’s been hysterical every time I mention the words “rest” / “sleep” / “nap” for awhile now so I was pretty confident she will be able to adjust quickly. But i was wrong!

She fell asleep in class! 🤣

God, she is sooooo like me sometimes! Haha but this was 2 weeks ago and she’s kinda used to this schedule. I’m contemplating of moving to the morning class (if ever a slot opens up) or stay in the pm class.

Lets weight the pros and cons

PROS:

-dont need to wake up early

-sometimes they announce suspension in the pm

-many establishments are open on Banawe for us (ze parents) to hang out / do “chores” like haircuts and grocery runs

CONS:

-no more naps

-scary when it rains hard in the area cause its prone to flooding (we almost got stranded!!)

-many establishment open means more gastos

-pick up orders and deliveries suffer delays (cause we only get to do it after we get home)

If it were up to me, i’d choose the mid morning class. Like 10-2 haha if only that schedule exist..

Sometimes with all this complicated stuff with school, I doubt myself why did i ever enroll her already? My partner thinks its too early but I don’t want her to be “late” either. She’s always saying she hates school and sometimes I think its my fault? But I don’t know.. i never liked school! Haha not until i had friends to hang out with during class.

I guess we’ll find out if this little girl will thrive or I just messed up her idea of school. We’ll see.

Life update 2019

Okay. So.. I possibly have been too busy and neglected this blog. But then looking back at the past entries, and it made me miss writing. (And also, its 5:48 am i can’t sleep) Life update? Well its been a year so there’s a lot to catch up on. BLAIRE The biggest life update is that Blor is actually in toddler class!! Yep! I jumped the gun and finally enrolled her. After her swim class ended, she was just at home and its not doing her or her social life any good. So I decided to enroll her to a summer toddler class which is just twice a week and which allows one guardian/parent to be inside the class. We did a lot of coloring, messy activities that I wouldn’t want to DIY at home because I didn’t want to clean up. Haha it was really fun and tiring at the same time. It was difficult letting Blor sit still 😅 And after the summer class ended, I decided to continue the twice a week classes before finally enrolling her to the real “class”. Honestly, it was purely “mom-group” pressure haha I so did not want to wake up early!! Ughh but then I think its time for Blaire to be away from me (yey freedom!!) even if its just for 2 hours. Its been i think 4 months and she’s doing okay. She’s still adjusting to school. I feel sorry for her though since she wakes up so early. Her class starts at 8am and we have to wake her up at around 6:45am. She doesn’t take a bath anymore and eats her “snack” in the car (she really doesn’t have an appetite during the morning) Most of the time she’ll cry when we play the “good morning song” and she’ll say “turn off the sun I want to sleep” or “let’s go back to the room sleep on the bed” but the earlier she adjusts to that schedule, the better. (She’ll have to wake up early for the next 20years) As for us.. well, we may finally have the time to do some pampering but as luck would have it, there are NO spas, no salon, no massage place of any kind open during those time in that area near Blaire’s school. ITS JUST SAD. Even restaurants are hard to find. We have 5 restos on rotation because they’re the only ones open. We did enroll to a gym (probably out of boredom haha) recently. No effect yet due to the binge eating were doing after “working out” 😅 BAMBINA Well, we added a few products in 2018 and also, we have added several partner stores. Yey!! Am I anxious of this year as competition are sprouting like mushrooms uhmm hell yeah. I’m anxious about it everyday! Probably because I over think A LOT. But I’m trying to be optimistic for this year and just mind my own. (OMG the sun is up. Haha) MOTHERHOOD/ MOM LIFE OKAY. I’ll be very, very real. Mom life lately? Not so good. I don’t know what happened but just know that I am a very, very patient person. Toddlerhood is just on another level. I’m so shocked at what my little girl is capable of doing to make me feel annoyed. Yes! I SAID IT. I’m annoyed, irritated at my toddler to the point that I sometimes snap at her. And though slapping or any kind of physical discipline is off my books, shouting or saying things like “Go away” works for me. I feel guilty everytime i do it. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. But I don’t know I can’t help it. I know that its just a phase and maybe I should be matured enough to brace myself for this but gaaah its so damn hard. This is what other people don’t get. When you are a WAHM or SAHM or FTM, its easy to be frustrated. Its so easy to be annoyed and snap because duh?? Your toddler is with you ALL DAMN DAY. You don’t get to take a break from the kalulitan or naughtiness. You get to bask in it and simmer till you’re all riled up!! Unlike when you have a nanny, the naughtiness is split into two. You have someone to share it with. (Do i still make sense???) Let’s face the facts: toddlers are the real test of patience. Especially if yours is a spunky strong willed one. I really think I’m losing sanity because of Blaire but oh well. I signed up for this. Anyway, this is becoming so long so i’ll update the rest next time. Haha

Christmas Wishlist 2017 edition

I can’t believe its Christmas season already. This year flew by so fast. it seems like I was just making this list but here we go again!! :)

Its the 2017 edition for Blairenut’s wishlist! (and mine too! haha) This can also serve as a gift guide for you nieces, nephews, or other babies in your life!

So we’ve been redecorating the playroom and our motif is white, grey and pink. We really prefer items around that color scheme so nothing wil be out of color. We also don’t like anything with characters for Blaire since she don’t appreciate it yet.

Nugget Comfort

Price: 229$

Where to buy: http://www.nuggetcomfort.com/

This has been in our wishlist ever since I saw this from Lauraiz instagram (the mom who photographs her baby in different costume while sleeping). Its like a futon and a couch and you can assemble it in different style. Its lightweight and durable and kids will surely love it. The color “koala gray” will be perfect in our playroom.

Pottery Barn mini sofa

Price: 3k+

Where to buy: Pottery barn BGC, Estancia mall

So let me tell you, Blairenut is such a bookworm! And recently we’ve been redecorating the playroom of this little girl and we realized we don’t have a reading nook for her! We’ve been potty training her too, so sometimes when she wants to read, she will sit in her potty and use it as a reading chair!! huhu I’ve been meaning to buy this but I’ll just include this here. They have a lot of different style and you can also have it monogrammed.We prefer something neutral for our room like grey or white :)

Manila wooden toy rainbow arc

Price: 2.8k

where to buy: http://www.manilawoodentoys.com/

This is a such a cool wooden toy. It will teach little Blairenut to use her imagination and create a masterpiece. The quality seems really nice and its locally made! :) Each set comes with a wooden box and a wooden ball (that can fit through the hole in the wooden box.)

Ballpit from Fun nest

Price:5k+

where to buy: http://www.funnest.ph/

If you follow us on instagram, you’d know how much Blaire loves the ballpit! Every time we passed by kidzoona or any play place that has a ball pit, she would just be so happy! Good thing fun nest made this cute ballpit! There are a lot of different sizes (baby, toddler, kiddie, family) but I think baby or toddler would be okay. I’m sure she’ll light up when she sees this.

Fidget /busy board

Price: 1.5k+

Where to buy: You can DIY or buy from https://www.facebook.com/therainbowunicornmnl/

Basically, its a fidget board for toddlers. A board to keep them busy. A board can have lots of different things. For instance, my toddler is very interested with locks, latches, door knobs and light switches so including those will surely make her busy. You can DIY it and search for ideas on pinterest. I would love to do this but sadly, lack constructing skills. haha

Motorized play sink

Price: 1.5k+

Where to buy: Rustans, Toys R us, Toy Kingdom

Blairenut loves to play with water! And I know she will love this motorized sink. What sets this apart from other play sink is that it has a motor that “rotates” the water. When you turn on the faucet, water will really come out and it will of course go down the sink which is connected to a hose. So she can really “wash” the dishes (or even her hands!) with this.

Slide

Price:2k+

Where to buy: Toys R us, Toy kingdom, www.instagram.com/batibot.ph , www.instagram.com/littletootsiebabyshop www.facebook.com/littletootsiebabyshop

Now that Blaire is a toddler, she appreciates these kinds of “toys” even more. Before we just carry her on top of the slide but now she can do it on her own! She just loves it and whenever she sees the slide, her face lights up.

Water and Sand table

Price: 1k+

Where to buy: Toys R us, toy kingdom, Rustans, Lazada

Water play is Blaire’s favorite! So I’m sure she’ll like this water and sand table 

Clothes / shoes

Price: 300+

Where to buy: Mothercare, h&m, zara, old navy , mini melissa etc etc

Clothes! from cute dresses, sleepsuit, rompers Its fun to have a girl because you can dress her up everyday. As long as there’s no character (like Mickey mouse, dora, barbie etc) printed on it, were good! :) By the way, were going to Boracay for Christmas so fun light weight dresses is an option :) Also for shoes, anything that is non skid is good. We also prefer sandals with straps to secure it and also, blaire doesn’t like wearing the flip flop type (the one where there is a strap on the big toe)

Toys or books

Price:300+

Where to buy: everywhere

Blaire loves to read and she also loves to play. I’m sure she’ll appreciate any book and toy as long as its age appropriate. :)

I think that’s it! haha of course this is just a guide. We welcome and will appreciate any gifts as long as it comes from the heart. (naks! haha)

Rants and other life update

As much as I want to blog more often, I am often held back by lack of time (and quite frankly proper time management) and energy. I just gave up and succumbed into the role of being a full time mom and it does not look pretty.

I mentioned in a previous blog post that yeah, I managed to let myself go. I still can remember few years ago looking at other moms who “let themselves go” (AKA losyang) and promised myself I wouldn’t be the same. But look at me now.. 20 pounds heavier with dry frizzy hair and pale skin. Where did the old me went? 

Its easy to lose yourself. I don’t even remember having the time to dress myself up like I used to. I always have to think of comfort. (Yeah, I’m that kind of mom.)

Can I breastfeed easily? (Still at it at 21 months) Can I chase around my toddler? Is it comfy enough when I babywear? So many things to consider when choosing an outfit. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom. I love waking up next to my tiny human. I love taking care of her, learning new things with her, experiencing moments with her. Its just sometimes I feel like I’m too occupied being

her mom

i forgot about being my own person. I totally forgot how to socialize with other human beings aside from my family (who is at work a lot.) I don’t know why but its like the old me don’t exist anymore. I guess I have to learn how to be comfortable in this new “me”. 

 Enough rant and let’s do the life update. So.. we enrolled in swim class. It was just this thing I really wanted to enroll her in because as much as I love the beach, I really don’t know how to “swim” swim. I know how to float if that counts. Haha Another reason was because I want her to experience new things and learn a “skill”.

 Initially I wanted to enroll her to a toddler class but the schedule is too complicated and we went to several trial classes few months back and it didn't go so well. What do I expect? She have this trust issue ever since her uvula operation.

 Anyway, her swim class started a week ago. The first class she did okay. No crying but she was fussy when the instructor was holding her. I was allowed to be with her in the water and she did almost all the activity.

Second meeting, daddy went with her and I was just at the waiting area taking videos. Little did I know she would see me and realized I was gone and as expected, she cried her eyes out and we wasted 30 mins of our time there. 

 The third meeting was awhile ago and we learned our lesson. I went with her and she still was aloof with the instructor and would shrug when she hears his voice so the instructor would just whisper the activities and I guided her through it. She did about 50% of it so at least it wasn’t too bad. 

 Honestly, when she cries in the water I wonder if she’s too young for the swim lesson. But then the instructor told me that it was common for toddlers to be like that and he also told me he taught babies as young as 6 months so no, its not too young. WHEW! That really reassured me (that I didn’t just wasted our money).

Hopefully BlaireNut will become more friendly to the instructor and we will have more progress. Wish us luck!!

Mom guilt among other things

Been awhile since the last time I blogged. Its been wonderful, stressful, frustrating and overall just overwhelming being a full time mom. A lot transpired in our lives the past months and aside from my little one's second operation for her uvula (another cleft related condition), stuff happening here and there of little significance happened. If you follow her instagram page (which i do update more often than this blog) you'd probably know what happened.  But anyway, I've just been feeling a lot of guilt lately.

Mom guilt that is.

Let me tell you something first. This little one has been teething the past few days and oh boy, bad is an understatement. I never thought this sweet little angel of mine is capable of being.. being.. such a monster. Oh yes, i said the M word. It's that bad and.. its been driving me crazy!!

Everything just turns her into this shrieking, crying, whiny little slob of a crying mess. Feeding has been ten times more difficult and it was already tedious to begin with. I honestly don't know what to do and i feel myself getting more and more trapped in this role that I am honestly so clueless right from the very start. I catch myself asking, "what did i get myself into" And i feel such a bad mother, a failure every time she refuses to eat, every time she throws a tantrum and I don't know how to handle it, every time she wants something and I don't know what is. Its just making more anxious and then I finally told myself, hey. I need a break. I do. I do.

So, I did. And i thought a little break will do no harm right? But while I was out and about, a wave of unwavering guilt covered me. A little voice inside my head goes: "Why are you out without your baby? You should be at home tending to her every need!"

And it didn't help at all that I remember her everywhere. I see a high chair at a restaurant and i think, hey maybe I shoulve brought her after all. But this me time /date night don't come easy.

Being yaya-less, it's hard to pass on the responsibility of taking care a very active toddler to another person. Especially at this teething stage. But good thing my sister gladly obliged with milk tea as compensation.

But man, it was hard not feel guilt or shame even. I feel bad that I complain about her activeness when other babies can't even walk or run. I feel bad that I called her a monster when in fact she is in pain because of her teeth. Ultimately, I feel bad that I had to take a break of caring for her. After all, she is my child. If there's one person who should've the strongest patience with her, it should be me right? But alas, I am only human and at 18 months of being a mom would you believe I'm still learning the ropes? Yes, being a parent is hard (no surprise there!)

Despite feeling guilty when out and about, I promised myself that I should do it atleast once a month. Its for my sanity and also for better relationship with my partner. I could tell he is feeling very neglected a lot lately because honestly, my life revolves around the little one now. I barely have time to fix myself up and could truthfully say I've let myself go (gained weight, no time for derma or hair or nails. Even my parents call me manang. Thats how bad it is) so how would I even have time for him? But yeah, balancing these roles is just another thing I would learn through time and experience.

Just a random blah.

So, we recently came back from a trip from Osaka, Japan and I tried my best to document and vlog everything. But then, reality came crashing down and I realised how super (duper) difficult it is to vlog decently with a baby in tow.

For starters, this was a huge family trip (my partner’s side) and so the trip was not really designed for a baby. Not that I’m complaining or anything but its just different when you travel with a baby. You just want every convenient option to be available to you since you don’t want to be stuck with a wailing baby. And when traveling with a big group, its not always possible. You always have to consider everyone’s opinions and wants. Blaire did okay throughout the trip although she did have some “episodes” mainly because she wanted to nurse and its not always the right timing (i.e I’m peeing or we’re boarding the train)

I think I’ve learned a lot from this trip though and it really opened up my eyes on how different it is for people without babies and people with babies to do the usual things.

I’m not going to elaborate on that (haha!)

It was so difficult and tedious to be honest, but we did managed to have some footage from our trip which I will surely try to edit out in the best way possible. Thanks to my partner for capturing moments even though it was a hassle. I can feel his ears burning every time I say 

“vlog mo naman yan” (vlog it please)

And he did managed to capture great moments. I was the one who carried my little one throughout the trip mainly because she’s not used to her dad carrying her. I don’t know why but my partner doesn't really like baby wearing. I guess he thinks it looks lame (i actually do too!) but man, after carrying that little one for a few seconds without our hipseat, you’ll surpass the “aesthetics” and beg me for the hipseat. haha

Anyway, I’ll try to upload the vlog as soon as its done. As of now, I’m still transferring files. It may take awhile since the little one’s operation is coming up and I think I really have to reserve my strength for that.

Hoping to update this soon :)

subscribe to my youtube channel!

I did upload a cute short clip of the little one swimming :)

What she does with the box. I’m obsessed with this video. I love the way she bit her lip, the way her legs were dancing.. i just love it. So glad I caught this on cam and I’m sad I didnt take more,

Snippets of my life: May 21, 2017

So it’s been about a week since I last checked in and so far its still the same old sitch. Now, I’m finding myself practically worthless in the office. With our nanny gone, I go to the office with my little one just to be with our family (and fine, to also have food) I’m feeling so guilty and (also exhausted) trying to take care of a toddler on the job (where nothing is baby proof) while everyone is busy working.

The office.

Its hard to baby proof such a tigh space. A tight space where a little toddler likes to touch, see and just scrutinize everything.

Drawers are just flung open, cabinets, even doors. And then there’s the stairs where the little one likes to go up and down a million times a day. You’d think I’ll be losing weight with all these activities but nope! Although I would say I did made some changes with my eating habits (more on that later) 

Anyway, once were home I just wanted to sleeeeeep. Like a deep long slumber.

But then I can’t. Still have to do our night routine. Sometimes,( well, to be honest its most of the time) i just let little Blaire play on her own until she’s exhausted and ready to sleep. Some nights are better than others but one thing’s for sure. Everything she does is GOLD.

There’s this box at home that was gifted to her by Gwamy. It has little books inside. Of course she’s obsessed with the books and always throw it in my face so i could read it to her but she recently found a new obsession with the box.

I’m gonna post a video next to this post but anyway.. here’s some photos of the week.

FIRST TIME TO PLAY WITH STICKERS:

She wanted me to read those tiny books but she threw it in my face so hard. I decided to move away from her to serve as a time out but then she pulled this face. How can you not?? 

Sunday family day with Suymi. She was so determined to walk around the mall its ridiculous.

Snippets of Everyday: May 14, 2017

The past few weeks have been very uneventful to say the least. I felt like I was trapped in a trance. It was just the same thing over and over. I felt bursting out into little pieces. That’s why I wasn’t motivated to post anything. 

But then the past few days have been so eventful I feel like I have to vomit out every word before I forget them all.

So for starters, our maid left us for greener pastures. No, it wasn’t emotional or anything but now that she’s gone, it’s been a lot harder keeping up with my daily activities with a toddler in tow. But we’re fine, she’s fine, I’m fine. If anyone has a problem with it, its probably my well-meaning but worrywart parents. 

They keep telling me how I’m looking unkempt lately and how my life has been more difficult since our maid left and all those passive slash low-key insults that makes me wanna scream.  Of course, I’m still adjusting to this phase but i’ll manage. i just wish they’d believe in me more. I mean, Blaire is still alive, right? 

Anyway, today was mother’s day and I started out my morning pretty slow. We really had no plans for today. Baby daddy isn’t cheesy like that (which to be honest is kinda sad because i’m all for those cheesy romatic stuff. I really don’t know how we got paired) but then something happened at work today that sprung us back home after spending just 1 hour at the office. I really don’t want to dwell on it since it brings so much negativity to my mind but to say that that “incident” ruined mother’s day for me is an understatement. 

Incidentally, that incident pushed baby daddy to take me out to dinner and since we don’t have a maid anymore, we brought out little one with us. We just had a casual dinner with all my favorites and some coffee and ice cream before we went home. Honestly, I was expecting some flowers or maybe a love letter or just a social media post but nu-uh. Nothing. 

And its making me sad. 

But thank goodness for my little ball of sunshine. 

She really knows how to make me smile.