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millkteeth-blog-blog · 5 years

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// Thoughts on coming back home/Realizations on my experience //

I am in a reflective space right now thinking back on my experience moving to California & I'm really happy that I made the decision to move back setting a firm decision and standing on it. This passage will include some of my thoughts on why I am coming back because I've written before about the positives of life here so now comes some of the negative sides. Disclaimer though that all negatives are ultimately positive because they all lead me to new realizations toward my betterment. It seems like lately I have been going in circles.. I am still having mental break throughs but only when I am completely relaxed &/or in solitude which most of the time is when I'm in nature. The artificial world here gives me a greater appreciation for the natural world. Work seems to be causing a lot of stress in my life because of the people I am dealing with there on a daily basis. Unfortunately it can sometimes carry over into my time alone & I have to spend some hours grounding myself. My Greatness seems to be overlooked here & it is as if I am simply their servant to be micromanaged & directed every other moment. It really annoys me because it seems like I am walking on egg shells & even though I am doing everything I can to the best of my ability she still seems to notice something wrong and have to make me constantly do something, oftentimes trivial. For examples I will come into work & she will already be giving me an apron to put on when she hasn't even given me a chance to relax and come to that; next handing me the binder with the tasks to be completed; asking me if I completed tasks yet when I still have several hours left in my shift; I have told her before that I am naturally going to do everything she asks plus more so she doesn't have to ask me but she still nags me & doesn't comprehend me. I guess the reason I don't bring up that she's disappointing me is because she is my manager & is only trying to guide me from her perspective so I understand but my ego is large & I seem to think that I have fair judgement & a lot to bring to the table but they don't recognize it like I do. On a good day here this job is just a meditation for me & I actually take joy in doing everything I need to have done at my own pace on my own time. The fruits of my labor are clearly great I keep everything looking shiny and stocked up like I am supposed to but it goes un noticed most of the time. So far as the ego, there is nothing wrong with having a large ego an ego is only your sense of of who you are & I have a strong sense of who I am I know who I am and I love who I am & I love all of my reflections the same way I love myself until they give me a reason not to. A lot of people get the terms 'pride' and 'ego' mixed up; which pride isn't bad either but that's another story. This manager reminds me a lot of a girl I dated in the past she is just very compulsive, hyper-attentive & just can't seem to sit back & relax but she thinks that she's doing everything she's supposed to be doing but by paying attention to all of these surface tasks she is forgetting to pay attention to her own nature & those around her so she becomes insensitive. She just takes work way too seriously it's kind of creepy to see her give like all her energy to it the way she does. The more I contemplate it the more my compassion is activated though and I feel sorry for her because she's clearly confused. I just can't let her confusion hurt me any more that's why I must go. I clearly speak with body language & when she continues to micromanage me it feels like she's taking me along in her mind trip & that doesn't feel balanced to me. Although I have to go on doing what she says in order to keep my job & get this last paycheck which I plan on using to last me until my next line of work it is all just a game I have to figure out. So I just have to stay strong for 5 or 6 more shifts then I am Free from this place! It's just funny how a workplace can seem so great, peaceful & serene when experiencing it alone & then when the personalities higher up in the hierarchy become involved can actually become its detriment. They may not realize this until later. Oftentimes it's so funny to me that businesses forget that the People are what make it a successful business. When I am at work I am in harmony with the People & they don't realize the treasure in that. I make customers feel welcomed, accepted, fulfilling their desires, communicating with them & creating a peaceful environment that is what I have to offer. Thoughts like these have lead me to dreaming about owning my own business. I at least would like to find a source of income from something I can use my own gifts towards like my communication skills, creative abilities, leadership qualities, writing, design, etc.. These are things I am pondering deeply upon and hopeful to come to the right conclusion.

Now, outside of work the city is also just a very draining place to be for a spiritual creature like myself. We shouldn't be seeing buildings, boxes, concrete, cars; dealing with continual traffic; hearing loud noises like planes, trains, horns, etc all on a daily basis. We should be in nature where there is the sight of green (the heart chakra) and brown (the earth, stability, grounding); seeing the trees, the colorful plants & flowers, the blue sky & white clouds; hearing the birds sing & the subtleties of nature in movement; breathing in the fresh air & becoming embraced in the peace & balance nature has to offer us. Boxes do not allow energy to flow; energy flows in spirals and that is all you find in nature (e.x. the cosmos, flowers blooming, trees blooming). The energy is constricted in the concrete jungle, it is limited & stagnated.

The people here.. The people here are quite superficial, consumed in fear, jaded, distracted by the computer in their pocket which could be advancing them in knowledge, separated, helpless, awkward and I am disillusioned by all of them. I feel like an Immortal being walking amongst the mortal man. It is sad because I see the depth in myself & in them but they can't see it in me because they don't see it in themselves. Rats stuck in the rat wheel, racing toward their own demise. Destroying & hating themselves in the process it is truly a sad thing to witness that is why I must go because I am not of these people. I am simply here to stimulate my consciousness by the more tropical climate & environment (that is what excludes the city) and activate my mind into it's greater capacity. Finding an even deeper connection to nature & to myself. While also accumulating wealth, finding out the essential materials for a comfortable sustainable life & discovering a deeper appreciation & love for all the people in my life who see me for who I truly am; ultimately expanding the feeling of happiness that stems from within my own existence.

A new appreciation for the people of the midwest.. It seems as if the further west you go the closer you get to the devil. The devil hides in the worldly luxuries with the obscure intention to imprison your soul. To make a 'living' out here you have to sell your soul & give all of your energy and time to a system that is actually destroying the planet. You will be destroying your self in the process because you have no time left in the day for your growth or self awareness. Being here has truly opened my eyes to 'the system' I see it in full effect here. I am thankful to have had this eye opening experience and understand what life is like on the other side of the country. Like one of my favorite songs states 'And people still follow their dreams to sweet California.. And from time to time I pass on by, but I will never stay'. I could never stay here but I will only visit and when I do visit I will not take on a job in customer service or deal with anybody but myself out here. I definitely learned that lesson. The cost of living is just so high that I have to be working to make it work. This journey though has helped me come more into my zone & figure out my lane and actually understand my own business. It's funny to me how there were so many ups & equally so many downs. A roller coaster of a ride where every day is brand new & I don't know what to expect. The energy becomes awakened inside me as I continue to move forward. I have had some downfalls but I always get back on my horse & strengthen my perspective. I am not on this planet to lose I am a champion and I will win in the end. The race is not given to the speedy or the swift it is given to those that endure til the end. I am build to endure.

To my people back Home I can't wait to see you. I may be different to you because I have become a greater version of myself. I hope you continue to love who I am because I have so much to offer you and can be of value to you if you utilize me correctly. I am here to offer you a higher perspective and to help you weave your way out of your limiting circumstances. I am here to help your consciousness expand and awaken your mind the way mine is being. I am here to be of service to you and to accept you exactly how you are right now. I really see the Greatness in you, I really see all the positives in you and even the negatives I know are just kinks that will be readjusted to suit you over time; I'm not even paying attention to that though. My attention goes to all the positive aspects within you. I see you for who you really are behind the flesh; I see the thought you are having of yourself. I see who you are becoming. I see the mind that is orchestrating all of your being. I love you. Let us understand one another truly to love one another because Love is Understanding. After dealing with the lost souls out west & the way I've been treated out here I have a new appreciation for all of my people. May we celebrate this beautiful existence upon my arrival.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this & I hope you were able to benefit from it in some way shape or form. I really love you because I really love myself.

Peace to you my friend