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mickcedesamgf1 · 1 year

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holding out for a hero ( iii ) // platonic! mercedes amg

summary: a holiday party at marcus armstrong's house brings changes to y/n's life, in the form of both a british f2 driver she'd rather not show her face around ever again, and a very awkward milestone.

pairing: platonic!mercedes amg f1 x reader, brief olli caldwell x reader

warnings: first kisses, a slew of emotions i don't want to unpack, it's going to be cute and angsty all at the same time, self-deprecation, basically the same warnings as the rest of the series tbh, mentions of an alcohol allergy, paul being a little shit

author's note: this is lowkey based on the story of my first kiss from last december . . . i actually hated it all and we're back to the drawing board on that whole dating thing. i fear my standards may be too high.

this series would make such a good sitcom tbh

"marcus, for the last time, i don't do parties." y/n insisted, frowning at the face on her phone as she stride out of the mercedes building in brackley. "i don't care that i already know most of the people who are going to be there, or that the guys are bringing their girlfriends. the answer is no."

"come on!" marcus armstrong begged on the other end of the facetime call, laughing as the young intern clumsily zipped up her tommy hilfiger jacket, hiding the bottom half of her face under the collar as the wind whipped her face, flakes of snow beginning to fall from the winter sky. "it's not as bad as you're thinking it's going to be. it's literally just at my house, my younger sister is going to be there."

y/n snorted. "come on, armstrong. if you think telling me that your teenaged sister is going to be at the party is a drawing factor, you need to reevaluate things in your life. besides, liam is going to be there and it's going to be ultra painful to see him and his girlfriend being all loved up."

silverstone had been a huge knock to y/n y/l/n's self-confidence. it had taken a lot for her to allow herself to be that vulnerable. to dance in front of the rowdy group of boys, to let her guard down long enough to meet new people, to have a good time.

to tell liam lawson that she thought he was cute, just for liam to shatter her heart into a million peices without even meaning or trying to.

god, she wished she could stop being so sensitive sometimes.

she hadn't been to another race since. she also hadn't spoken directly to liam, occasionally being looped into things on the group chat. as far as she was aware, red bull were shipping him off to japan with cem bolukbasi to run a superformula test.

she was heading back to her car now, the cold air turning her fingers numb as she clutched her phone, digging in her pocket for her car keys.

"i'm not doing it, armstrong."

"and why the bloody hell not? you had a great time in sliverstone, and i'll have james keep liam away from you if that would make you feel better."

y/n had opened her mouth to say something when she felt a pair of hands clapping her on the shoulders.

"she's going." susie wolff insisted. "come on, y/n. you need to get out more. you deserve to let yourself have fun."

"but this party isn't going to be fun, susie."

susie grinned, hands in the deep front pockets of her trench coat. "you won't know unless you try it, kiddo." she turned to the phone. "marcus, she'll be there!"

____

y/n stood in front of her mirrored closet door, smoothing her fingers over her hair, drawn back into a tight half-up ponytail kind of style.

"you look great, kiddo!" angela cullen's voice faintly filtered through the phone speakers, a kelsy karter song playing softly from the turntable in the corner.

"ang, i'm going to make a fool out of myself out there." y/n groaned. "i hate parties!"

"but you know these guys, y/n. you know marcus, you know clem and you know fred. you'll be fine. with that being said, if you want to leave early, call one of us."

"oh, you'll definitley be getting some kind of call." she rolled her eyes, stopping the turntable and sliding the shiny black vinyl back into it's sleeve, fairy lights twinkling above her. "what if they don't like me, angela?"

"and what if they love you?"

after bidding the physiotherapist her goodbyes, y/n pocketed her phone and padded across the dusty apartment floor to her kitchen. the apartment felt too big for her to live in on her own, and technically she didn't, but it's not like her roommate was ever home. she sighed to herself, opening the fridge to stare at the almost empty shelf, making a mental note to order her groceries.

if there was anything that gave her anxiety, it was grocery shopping. there was a voice in her head that always seemed to tell her that the cashier ringing her groceries through was judging her, or that that mother with two kids in a stroller was frowning at the nutritional index of meals she hadn't even made yet.

she grabbed the plastic container with the kirkland signature logo, groaning to herself as she realized that the lettuce in her pre-made ceaser salad had gone off.

"fuck me." she muttered, throwing the entire thing in the trash before grabbing a ziploc container filled with sliced peppers, that way she had at least eaten something before she went to the party.

just in case her anxiety stamped out her appetite

her nimble fingers sailed across the keyboard as she texted clement, asking for a ride to marcus'. she had no idea where she was going, and she didn't want to be lost in london this close to the new year.

i'll be at the apartment in twenty, and i've got my girlfriend with me. she can't wait to meet you! you're going to have a great time at marcus'

she took a deep breath, reminding herself to calm down a little. it was just marcus armstrong's house. what could possibly go wrong? they're the same people she had such a great time with at silverstone, right?

_____

she regretted going to marcus' almost as soon as she walked through the doors to his massive penthouse. at the track, they could pretend that they were all the same. but not here, not out in the real world when y/n walked through the front doors of his doorman building with glass elevators, his penthouse that was bigger than even the townhouse she grew up in with her parents.

in the kitchen, marcus had stacked a sturdy tower of martini glasses. behind them, felipe drugovich was standing on a kitchen chair with a bottle of ferrari trento champagne in his arms.

"i've always wanted to do this!" the f2 champion shouted. "come on, guys. someone get this on tape!"

"dear lord, what are the twenty stooges doing now?" she groaned, leaning against the wall next to jehan daruvala.

jehan laughed. "making a champagne fountain because liam said he saw it in a movie once. felipe wanted to do the honors of puring it, and nobody wants to argue with the f2 champ, especially when he just found out he's not getting a race seat next year, but logan is."

"shit. i guess the feeder series system just isn't working like it used to."

a chorus of cheers from the kitchen island disrupted further conversation, the warm lights shining down on the last person that y/n wanted to see. god, motorsport was a small world, wasn't it?

liam lawson locked eyes with her from across the apartment, giving her a sad and sympathetic smile. she bit her lip to stop from grimacing, meekly waving back.

nobody else knew what had happened between her and liam, and she preferred to keep it that way.

"y/n!" marcus shouted, throwing his arms in the air and waving her over. "come join us!"

"have a drink." clement encouraged, trying to pass her a glass of champagne.

she shook her head. "give it to your girlfriend, novalak. i'm actually allergic to alcohol."

calan williams narrowed his eyes, skeptically sipping from his own glass. "that sounds fake."

y/n laughed, moving closer to the kitchen island. "its a genetic thing. i can't handle anything more than a cooler or a mixed drink. anything stronger will have me throwing up for hours."

"i think there's some smirnoff ice in the fridge." marcus suggested, pointing towards a large cabinet front. ayumu iwasa opened the cabinet, revealing the fridge behind it.

fucking rich people.

"what the hell, pass me one of the peach smirnoff coolers in the door."

"to felipe!" dennis hauger shouted, hefting his beer into the air, arm full of tattoos on display. "our 2022 champion!"

"and to logan, my old teammate!" liam lawson added, throwing his arm around logan sargeant's neck. liam looked drunkest of all, though it seemed like all of the drivers were a wreck. "williams racing's last hope."

she spent most of the night wandering around marcus' massive house, ducking in and out of conversations. she appreciated that the drivers were trying to help her feel at home, but there was still a small part of her that wanted to flee, to run away and sit at home with her emily henry book or watch a korean psychological thriller.

"so who's actually sticking around next year?" jack doohan asked, slumped across marcus' living room sofa. "aren't they cleaning house in f2?" his buzzcut was growing back in, his shaggy blonde hair fitting his face much better, although the look still seemed odd since the length was at that awkward stage.

"it's dennis, you, ayumu, jehan, enzo, theo, me, amaury, roy, ralph." fred vesti started counting off on his fingers, a drunken slur underneath his words if one listened carefully.

"and i'm not going anywhere any time soon!" ralph boomed. "i'm like fernando fucking alonso, motherfuckers! 2023 is going to be my year, just you wait and see!"

"yeah right! the championship is as much yours as it is clem's!" marcus shouted back with a laugh, an aperol spritz in hand as he messed with the stereo.

"oh, fuck you lot." clement laughed, curled up in an armchair with his girlfriend. "you didn't need to do me like that in front of ines, come on, have some class."

"am i forgetting about anyone?" fred hummed. "i skipped clem, but am i missing anyone else?"

"what about zane? he's coming back, yeah?" amaury suggested.

"dude, it's a miracle that you're coming back." dennis snorted. "i thought you were gone for sure after that speeding ticket fiasco. how long did you lose your license for?"

sitting on the couch in between jack and olli caldwell, she felt suffocated. she drew her arms in on herself, trying to create a bubble of space from the aussie on one side and the briton on the other. her palms felt sweaty, her chest heavy.

"are you okay?" olli asked her softly. "do you want to get out of here? we can go for a walk, take a breather?"

she nodded quickly, her voice soft. "please? i love you all, i really do, but this is a bit much."

"yeah, come on. let's grab your jacket." olli encouraged, taking her by the hand as they both slipped out of marcus' living room.

not that anybody noticed they were gone. or that they had left together.

once they were both outside, y/n felt better. the cool breeze on her face, the twinkling christmas lights that had been lit up glowing in the haze as snow began to fall gently.

"so where are you off to next year if it's not f2?" she asked, fingers still laced with olli's as they walked down the sidewalk.

"endurance, i think. alpine are still sponsoring me as a driver, so laurent has been a hige help in trying to find me something else. it's something different, and i'm looking forward to it. what about you?"

"i have no idea." she answered truthfully, dropping olli's hand. "my internship runs out before the season starts in bahrain. then it will be back to the real world, the world where i'm on my own with my five friends and my roommate. i'm hoping that toto will keep me on next year, but i also realize that he might not have that control. it would be a shame to leave, though. i feel like i've finally found my place in this world."

they stopped walking, y/n leaning against the brickwork exterior of marcus' condo complex. olli stood in front of her, hands in his jeans pockets, his breath turning into mist in the air.

"i'm sure it will all work out. and even if mercedes don't take you on, there are so many other motorsports in europe that you can try. and you'll always have us, y/n. any time you want them, i've got wec tickets for you."

"thanks, olli. really."

they drifted into a silence, somewhat easy, somewhat not. olli's hands came up to press against the wall, his face just milimeters from hers. her heart started pounding, anticipation building in her bones.

is this it? is it really happening? is olli caldwell going to kiss me?

and then he leaned in, his lips pressed against hers.

y/n y/l/n had just had her first kiss.

_____

"so let me get this straight, you finally got your first kiss, a boy actually wanted to go out with you, and you're turning him down?"

"well, when you put it like that!" y/n groaned, face in her hands as she slumped back in her desk chair.

it was the week after marcus armstrong's party, the group sitting in the legal department at the mercedes f1 factory in brackley. she had already told the full story, and her face was pinker than a crush cream soda.

"i just don't understand what your train of thought is here, if i'm being honest." george chuckled. "so caldwell kissed you. what's the big deal?"

"because it was my first kiss, george! i've been thinking it over all weekend, and i felt sick to my stomach when olli texted me the morning after." she groaned, running her hands over her face. "you're going to laugh at me when i tell you why."

"i promise you, we aren't going to laugh, y/n." lewis said gently, placing a hand on her shoulder. "all of what you're feeling is normal."

she sighed. "it didn't feel the way that the books said it was supposed to feel."

"that's your big reasoning? really?" nyck's tinny voice rang through the speaker on mick shumacher's phone. in abu dhabi, the reserve driver had officially been traded to scuderia alphatauri, and by extension, not allowed into brackley to be privy to this conversation. so, naturally, he was facetimed and looped in anyways.

"mick, can you please mute the traitor." y/n groaned, reaching for the german boy's phone before mick laughed and pulled it out of her reach to mute the call himself.

on screen, nyck was still talking.

"i know it sounds stupid, but i've felt sick about it all weekend. what am i supposed to do, guys?"

"i think that your feeling are vaild, first of all." mick began, "and that maybe olli came on too strong."

mick's finger slipped, unmuting the call enough for nyck to shout. "did i not just say that? were you not listening?"

"you have so much time, y/n." lewis said with a small smile. "but i hope you've learned something about yourself from this, yeah? maybe this was the boost of self confidence that you needed?"

she had thought about the kiss all weekend, hoping that she could make it make sense, and that she wasn't overreacting. and it's not like olli had done anything wrong, although french kissing was a little much for the first date, even when it wasn't even a date, and she was trying to convince herself that telling olli she just wanted to be friends was the best call.

and then, digging deeper, she had to ask herself if she was even ready for a relationship. because when the idea was finally breathing down her neck, the idea of olli, and going on a date, and sharing so much of herself with someone else, it scared the shit out of her.

"he put his tongue in my mouth, lewis!" she whined. "god, i sound like a child."

"he what?" a muffled voice called from the other side of her desk, followed up by a thump and frantic whispering.

"what the fuck?" y/n mumbled, getting out of her desk chair and leaning over the glass cubicle wall. "paul?"

with a shit eating grin on his face, paul aron slipped out from underneath the table, kimi antonelli just behind him. while paul didn't look the least bit apologetic, kimi looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him whole.

"i am so sorry, miss. we shouldn't have been listening." the italian boy bowed his head. "but blame paul, it was his idea."

"what, i wanted the office gossip." the estonian boy shrugged. "he french kissed you, and you friendzoned him? that's a little sad."

"paul get out!" y/n snapped. "or i'll call toto and bono!"

the threat of toto wolff was enough to get kimi and paul to dart out of the room faster than the freca cars that they drove. toto didn't know about the kiss, mainly because she knew that he had otmar and laurent on speed dial and would find a way to put the fear of god into oliver caldwell for hurting his intern.

the bond that she had formed with the wolff family wasn't something she would have traded for the world. she found herself calling or texting toto's daughter rosa more often, with the two being of a similar age.

she just hoped that toto liked her enough to keep her around for another season.

"there are plenty of fish in the sea, kiddo." susie wolff added, striding into the office. "and don't worry, i'm not going to tell toto. although, paul and kimi might. take this as a learning experience. and don't take any advice from this lot." she added, whacking george in the back of the head with a file folder.

"why did i feel like that was directed at me?" the man from king's lynn groaned.

"the right boy will come when the time is right. god knows i met toto later in life. and look at us now." susie continued, pulling y/n in for a hug. "come on, we have an investor meeting with monster, and toto wants you there."

"me? he wants me in a meeting with our biggest sponsor?"

lewis laughed. "you need to start giving yourself more credit. you are so loved here, y/n. you have a future in motorsport law, a future here."

mick, lewis and george all exchanged a look, bright smiles on their faces.

"what are you not telling me? is toto keeping me on for next year?"

"we aren't allowed to say anything just yet." george started. "but, i think toto has a soft spot for you."

"put it this way: you'll know before bahrain, and you might want to pack some summer clothes." susie smiled.

Tags:

@magnummagnussen @diorleclerc @daydreamingleclerc @scuderiamh @sidcrosbyspuck @libraryofloveletters

#this was so incredible im so soft #the way shes so loved by them all 🥹#paul aron is annoying little brother material and i love that #and MICK 🥺

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mickcedesamgf1 · 1 year

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emergency contact // mercedes ( ii )

summary: in the sequel to 'you're on your own kid', y/n makes the first step in breaking out of her shell and overcoming her anxiety by attending her first race with the mercedes team. unfortunately for her, all it takes is four hours and a few text messages with a certain f2 driver to make things all come crashing down again.

things that i want, this happily ever after, you choke on your words just to swallow them after, asleep on the couch while you're passed out in the back, i just want you to be my emergency contact

pairing: platonic! mercedes amg f1 x reader, brief liam lawson x reader (unrequited)

warnings:anxiety and loneliness, fear of dying alone. unrequited love & miscommunication between liam and y/n, this one drags the f2 idiots into this disaster, heavy drinking

author's note: all i have to say is i'm sorry for inflicting emotional pain on you guys through this series, because it's totally becoming a series: merc helping baby intern navigate being an adult.writing fics on tumblr is cheaper than going to therapy and makes me feel better than going to therapy does. that's a joke, by the way.

breathe, y/n. just breathe

that's the mantra that she repeats to herself as she walks into the paddock, watching the frantically moving figures scramble around in front of her. it was overwhelming, the atmosphere like something that she had never experienced before.

truth be told, it scared her a little bit.

"just breathe, beautiful. you're safe." angela cullen encouraged, putting a reassuring hand on the young law clerk's shoulder.

"there's a lot of people here." she laughed nervously as the pair kept walking towards the mercedes hospitality suite. "i forgot that the filthy rich fans are also allowed back here."

you don't belong here. the voice in her head was back, the one that made her want to curl back into herself. it took forever for her to get to the point where she agreed to come with the team to a race. it was just silverstone, something very much local because she was still too anxious to fly overseas. susie had thought that it would be a good way for her to get to know people within the motorsports world, a way to become more comfortable with herself and the mercedes team.

"you'll be fine." angela encouraged. "if you keep your head down and keep walking quickly, you'll be at the garage before you know it."

most of the week leading up to silverstone had been spent with nyck, susie and angela, as george, toto and lewis were so busy getting race-ready. they'd done a day in london all as a team, a film camera sitting in her backpack was filled with pictures of her and the drivers doing all of the cheesy touristy things.

it had been the best week of her life.

but she knew that once it was over, it was back to normalcy. back to frozen tesco pizza and reruns of 'benidorm'. of course, her life had improved vastly since lewis and george had welcomed her into the group. she's started having monthly girls nights with susie and angela, and sometimes naomi schiff came along as well. they'd get their nails done and go out for dinner and drinks. it got y/n out of the house, and it made her feel like she was a part of something.

this was a feeling she had been chasing since she graduated high school.

a feeling that almost made the pain of watching all of her old friends move on with their lives: getting boyfriends and girlfriends, moving in with their partners, going out every other night with their large friend groups, and even getting married.

and it really hurt her to watch, knowing that everyone else was moving on but she was still stuck in the same place.

really, she just wanted to be loved.

"hey, kiddo!" toto waved to her as she and angela went into the garage.

the austrian had become a proper substitute for her father now that she was living on her own. all that toto wanted was for y/n to feel secure and comfortable with her job at the team. he was constantly making sure that she felt included, sometimes letting her in on things that not even the lawyers got to see just yet. despite his imposing appearance and his brash attitude, he was a big softie.

"hey, toto." she exhaled a breath, leaning in to give the team principal a hug. "thanks for inviting me along, really."

"anytime. hopefully this has been a good week for you, and maybe you'll consider coming to some of the races that are further from home, a little more outside of that comfort zone of yours?"

"i hope so too." she smiled sadly. "where do you need me today?"

"it's qualifying today, so we need all hands on deck. we've been struggling a little with pace this weekend, but i think we have a shot at the front row." toto began, passing y/n a set of headphones. "usually the crew who aren't needed during the qualifying brackets hang out in the back. i think george's girlfriend is back there too, if you'd feel more comfortable around carmen."

"thank you, toto. really, i don't think i can say it enough." y/n gushed, twirling the cord for the headphones around her ring finger.

toto smiled. "any time, kid."

she walked to the back corner of the garage, talking to some of the engineers and a few of the pit crew members on her way. the crew had welcomed her with open arms. she couldn't remember a time when she had felt more loved, but the void was still there.

she ached to be loved romantically. to be understood, treasured. for another person to want to spent the rest of his life by her side. to one day get dressed up in a nice white dress, and walk down the aisle in an old cathedral or a castle or a library and officially spend the rest of her life with someone she loved by her side.

"good luck out there, lewis." she tried to push the usual existential crisis out of her mind, giving the right-time world champion a tight hug before moving on to george, who could drape his whole lanky body over her if he tried. "you too, russell george. go kick some red bull ass, yeah?"

"you can bet we'll try!" george laughed.

"hey, if you get overwhelmed at all, the back door is right there." lewis said softly, nodding his head in the direction of a heavy metal door hidden in the wall, a fluorescent exit sign posted above.

"as long as you stick with carmen, you'll be in good hands." george agreed. "just stay within your comfort zone, don't push yourself too much."

"that was the plan. being here is out of the comfort zone enough. good luck, guys." she said again, moving to stand next to carmen montero in the back of the garage.

whenever she went to events where susie wasn't around and the drivers were busy, she always found herself gravitating towards carmen. she barely knew george's girlfriend except for the fact that carmen was normal and hardworking just like she was and that this world as as new to carmen as it was to y/n.

the first qualifying session ended, and the cars returned to the garages while the commentators reset the clock. the merc garage was suddenly a hub of activity, and y/n couldn't help but notice how her anxiety was spiking as she took off the headphones and reached for her purse.

"everything okay?" carmen asked softly, putting a hand on her shoulder.

y/n nodded. "just need some breathing room. i'm going to run and get a hot chocolate from hospitality. do you want anything?"

carmen shook her head. "don't worry about me, love."

y/n slipped out of the garage through the back door, pulling her aviator sunglasses over her eyes against the british sun. there was a slight breeze in the paddock that had her pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her knuckles. the paddock was calmer now, save for the five drivers who hadn't made it through to q2 hanging their heads as they made their way back to their hospitality suites.

"hi, y/n!" alexander albon waved, a bright smile on his face. she'd only ever met alex once or twice, because the williams driver was so close with george. but alex had welcomed her immediately.

"hey, alex. it's a pity about q1."

"eh, i drive a williams." alex shrugged. "what can you do?"

as alexander headed back towards the williams garage, y/n headed towards the hot chocolate vendor, lining up behind mechanics and engineers, hospitality workers and pr reps who were trying to warm up from the cold. though the calendar declared that it should have been the summer, it felt like the spring, a damp kind of cold seeping into everybody's bones.

as she walked back to the garage with a paper cup warming her hands, she stopped to talk to a group of boys sitting on a patio table near the mercedes hospitality suite after frederik vesti waved her over.

fred had driven in f2 that morning, a qualifying that saw him starting in the middle of the pack.

"oi, fred, don't you have a debreif to be at?" y/n joked, playfully pushing him in the side as she took a seat next to him at the table.

"oh, fuck off." the junior driver laughed. "y/n, this is dennis, liam, clement, marcus and jack, they're some of my mates from f2."

as the boys waved at her one by one, she knew exactly why frederik had waved her over.

he was trying to get her to make friends.

"so, what brings someone like you out to the paddock? i don't think that we've seen you 'round here before." the blond that fred had pointed out as liam spoke first.

he had a kiwi accent that made y/n's legs go weak, her heart beating faster in her chest as she nervously combed her hair behind her ear. "i work in the legal department. i don't know a lot about how things actually work around here, i just help file the paperwork for it."

"oh, so she's a smart one." clement cheered, raising his glass of sprite for a toast. "we need more people like you around here."

talking to the boys gradually became easier. it was a relief for y/n, to see that people were so thrilled about having her around, that they seemed to like her so quickly, with no strings attached. people who wouldn't expect anything from her, but just enjoyed talking to her.

it felt amazing to be appreciated, to be liked by people who weren't obligated to.

"i should head back. q2 is almost over, and i should see if toto needs me." she said, raising her voice slightly to be heard over the laughter from one of clement's jokes. "but this has been really great, guys. really."

"what's your instagram?" marcus asked, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "we'll put you in the group chat." he passed her the phone, not missing the way that her face lit up as she searched for her own profile in the app, adding herself to marcus' f2 group chat.

"we were all going out later." liam added. "it's nothing much, just a way to decompress before the weekend starts. you're more than welcome to join us, if you wanted to."

"really?" she couldn't stop her face from breaking out in a grin. "i wouldn't want to trouble you guys."

"it's no trouble. i insist."

"okay. text me the details, and i'll be there."

________

the evening rolled around fast. she stood in front of the closet mirror in her room of the rented mercedes villa, running her hands over her thighs before proceeding to scrutinize the rest of her appearance in the mirror. frederik had promised to drive her, and she wanted to be ready before he threw on some cologne and grabbed his car keys from the kitchen counter.

there was a soft knock on her door, and after y/n gave permission for the person on the other side to open it, susie wolff stepped into the room.

“you look great, kiddo.” she said with a smile. “remember to have fun tonight, okay? just be yourself.”

“in the past, that hasn’t exactly worked out for me.” y/n sighed, rolling up the sleeves of her form/fitting long sleeves shirt to spray her arms with a bath and body works spray.

“and if you feel like coming home early, don’t hesitate to call me or angela, alright hon?”

y/n laughed, reaching for the small quartz necklace she had draped over the airbnb's dresser. she'd be lying if she said she wasn't nervous. although marcus, clement, liam and dennis seemed to like her, she was still nervous about going out with them all, being thorwn headfirst into a night out with a group of drivers that have spotty reputations.

"thanks, susie. for everything." and she truly meant it. the wolff's had been so important into making her field placement feel like home, and not just another thing she needed to do to get her diploma.

she followed susie downstairs, where frederik was talking to one of the engineers, a glass of sparkling water in his hand and a set of keys dangling from his fingers.

"ready to go?" the frenchman asked, pushing away from the counter. "marcus is wondering where we are."

"hang on, hang on." nyck de vries laughed, cutting the junior driver off midsentence. "it's baby's first night out! we need to remember this!"

the intern rolled her eyes. the entire scenario reminded her of how her parents acted when she went to prom. susie backed away and y/n attempted to pose against the cinnamon colored wall as toto got his phone out. she locked eyes with nyck behind the counter, mouthing the words 'fuck you, shortass' before going back to smiling at toto.

"have fun tonight, kiddo." lewis said with a bright smile, his voice calming her down as the seven time world champion patted her gently on the shoulder. "and please try and stop frederik from doing something stupid."

"oi!" fred shouted through laughter. "come on, we should get going before clement gets too drunk."

"don't scare the poor girl!" toto scolded. "you will be fine. and if any of them do anything you don't like, i'll have words with them."

________

the club was hazy, shrouded in purple lights. the drivers had rented out a private room in the back corner of the building. her chest felt tighter as she followed frederik, the anxiety beginning to set in.

fred reached for her hand. "you've got this. they don't bite. clem is a little feral, but if you're firm with him he'll leave you alone."

she nodded. "okay. here goes nothing."

when the door opened, she had to take a minute to take in what was happening. clement novalak and dennis hauger were doing shots at a table in the middle of the room while the rest of the f2 grid were gathered around them (save for a brazilian with a mane of hair who was sitting in the corner, making out with a girl of about twenty) chanting 'shots, shots, shots' before dennis tapped out and clement howled with victory.

oh dear lord, what am i doing here? she wondered, taking in the chaos unfolding in front of her.

"hey, dickheads!" fred shouted. "i want you to meet someone!"

activity around the table stilled, dennis and clement cheering when they say y/n.

and she'd be lying if she said that their enthusiasm didn't make her feel a little warm and fuzzy on the insides.

"woah, she's hot." a swiss guy with curls of blonde hair framing his face looked over, slurring his words slightly. he was likely the drunkest out of all of them, a vape pen sticking out of his jeans pocket.

"fuck off, ralph! she's the same age as dennis, don't make this weird." marcus laughed, stealing one of the remaining shots from dennis' side of the table.

"that's ralph boshung, he's our version of fernando alonso. he's twenty-five and he's shite, but he brings camps money." dennis laughed, throwing one tattooed arm over y/n's shoulders. "he's a dick, but he's harmless."

"pleasure." she croaked as she moved closer to the table. "now who'd everybody else?"

"right, so that's roy, logan, jehan, amaury, marino, enzo, richard, theo, ayumu, zane, calan, olli, the one in the corner there is felipe-"

that's too many people. she felt overwhelmed, but she wasn't quite sure how to tell dennis that. some of the guys she recognized from the pictures they used as their profile pictures on the group chat, and others she'd never seen before.

"do you want a shot?" clement asked, draping his body over hers as he held the small tequila glass in front of her face.

"i'm good." she said calmly, shaking her head as she sat down in the booth, taking a seat next to who she assumed was zane maloney. "i don't really drink, can't stand the taste of alchohol."

zane snorted. "smart choice. trust me, these lot do a lot of funny shit when they're drunk."

"clem is a riot when he's wine drunk. he'll start randomly speaking french, or change his accent midsentence." jehan added with a laugh. "it's so fucking funny."

the song playing outside changed, and the boys let out a cheer.

"boys, to the dance floor!" ralph yelled, pointing towards the door as he slipped his sunglasses on his face for no other reason than to try and look cool.

and suddenly the room was practically empty: a mjorty of the drivers had departed for the dance floor, felipe's woman had vanished, and suddenly there were only four of them in the room: felipe, y/n, dennis and marcus.

"you two don't usually stay behind when those idiots go to make bad decisions and piss their trainers off." felipe remarked, looking at marcus and dennis. "are you sure you're all right?"

marcus shrugged. "we don't want y/n sitting in here on her own, do we? that's not why we invited her out."

"thank you, for that. i'm not a club kind of person, in case you couldn't already notice. too many people, too many things going on. it overwhelms me."

"no worries!" dennis insisted. "trust me, you don't want to be out there right now anyways. do you want anything to drink, even just like a soda or something?"

"a sprite would be nice."

"get the woman a sprite!" felipe shouted, shoving the two other driver's out of the booth. "go on, what are you lads here for?"

they all laughed as marcus and dennis fought over who would have the horror of walking over to the bar and ordering the soft drink. dennis ended up losing, the norwegian cursing jokingly at marcus before he slipped out of the room, music still shaking the drywal.

all throughout the night, the drivers seemed to rotate staying with y/n, keeping her company or splitting a plate of fries with her. they all genuinely seemed like nice people and she was almost glad that she had let frederik convince her that coming out tonight was a good idea.

"you should dance!" liam insisted, stealing the last greasy french fry from the ceramic plate. "come on, what are you so scared of?"

"uh, making a fool out of myself? ending up on a formula two gossip page? or worse, a wags page where the comments section get into fights with each other trying to figure out which one of you idiots i was here with in the first place and who i went home with or who i had a threesome with?"

liam cackled. "does your brain ever slow down?"

"not at all." she answered, dead serious. her brain was a very scary place to be.

"come on, get out of your head for a little bit. you only live once, baby merc."

y/n grinned, hoping that the dim lights did something to hide the blush on her face. "baby merc? did frederik tell you that toto calls me that?"

"he might have mentioned it." liam grinned, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "so, what do you say?"

y/n shook her head, crossing her arms before leaning back in her seat. "i don't even like this kind of music."

liam raised an eyebrow. "that can be easily fixed."

she was about to say something back when she finally recognized one of the songs on the stereo. when 'spice up your life' by the spice girls started to play, she couldn't stop her face from breaking into a grin.

"come on now, you have to dance!" liam insisted as the door slid open and clement novalak came in, sashaying his hips as he walked up to the tables.

"it's the spice girls!" the frenchman shouted. "you are legally obligated to dance, baby merc!"

with both clement and liam trying to convince her, there wasn't any fight left to try and talk them, or herself, out of it. "fine. you guys get one song. one."

she said one song, but the way she felt when she finally got out there, dancing with the group of boys, singing the spice girls at the top of their lungs as liam took her by the hand. she felt alive, a smile threatening to tear her skin apart.

she took out her phone, swiveling the camera to face them all as they screamed the chorus, the boys drunk and sweaty and rambunctious, a glow over her skin that she didn't recognize.

the glow of confidence and contentment.

________

when she and fred got back to the villa, she felt giddy as she ran back up the stairs to her room, kicking off her shoes and flopping back on the bed, clutching the cool screen of her phone to her chest.

while she felt this high, like she was walking on air, there was something she needed to do.

to liam: hey liam! big thanks for inviting me out with you guys tonight. i had an incredible time and it was nice getting to know you. i was wondering if maybe you wanted to get together for a coffee or something during a race weekend?

she pressed send with her eyes screwed shut. it was the riskiest text she could remember sending. she dropped the phone, getting back to her feet and busying herself while she waited for liam to text her back, stopping her hands from shaking from worry.

she changed out of her clubbing clothes, dressing in flannel pajama bottoms and an oversized shirt for a band that she went to see when she was in her freshman year of high school.

oh how things had changed for her since then. she should be proud of herself, she knew. but some days she didn't feel like she had moved on from that stuffy london secondary school.

her phone vibrated on the bed, and she braced herself for the worst, even as she lunged faster than the speed of light to grasp the device in her hands.

and then she felt her stomach drop, the bad feeling spreading through her bones as she felt like she couldn't support her body weight on her own any more.

rejection.

from liam: heyyyyyy.....i had a great time with you today as well, and you seem like a really nice person, and i really hate to be the one to burst your bubble like this, but i'm already seeing someone. her name is olivia, i met her back in new zealand.

she was now three for three, and more concerned that she was going to die alone than ever.

______

"she's been out there a while." george russell said slowly, nodding his head in the direction of the back dec. it was dark outside, the stars visible above the trees. "frederik, what happened when you guys were out? who do we have to hurt?"

fred shook his head. "i have no idea. she was having a great time, dancing with liam and clement. the boys were tripping over each other to talk to her, make her feel welcome. whatever happened must have happened after we came back."

the mercedes drivers looked out the patio door again, hearts aching at the sight of y/n leaning over the deck railing, a sad and despondent expression on her face.

"i'm going to go and talk to her." lewis said, getting to his feet and sliding the door open.

his heart ached for the girl who so badly wanted to leave her mark on the world. the girl who was scared of dying alone at such a young age, scared she'd never be loved or treasured. scared that she would be alone for the rest of her life, that everything was simply temporary.

"y/n, are you alright?"

"he's seeing someone else. i finally thought i had a fucking chance to be loved, and he's seeing someone else." her voice broke, a single salty tear beginning to make it's track down the pale expanse of her skin. and as that first one fell, more and more followed. "am i unlovable, lewis?"

and that's when lewis felt his heart break. y/n was too young to feel the pain of the world, the pain of heartache. he knew what it was like to bleed love into the world and not get enough back. to still feel that void inside of you.

"don't say that, love. you are not unlovable. he just wasn't the right person for you. do you want to talk about it?"

"not really."

"that's fine." he was standing next to her now, looking out at the backyard and the trees. y/n looked so small, hiding behind the old concert shirt that was four sizes too big, but that she had bought that way because she was already paying too much for it, so it might as well last her four or five years of growth.

"but know that this is not a reflection on you. this is all on him. and you put yourself out there tonight. that must have been a massive step for you. you should be proud of yourself, even though it's hurting right now."

she caught a shadow moving behind her out of the corner of her eye, hearing the deck creak under the weight of footsteps.

"who was it?" toto wolff's voice was deep, tinged with anger that someone had decided to cross his favorite intern. the one that he thought of as family as much as he did his own three kids. in fact, he had considered introducing y/n and benedict, as they were at a similar age and he knew that she could use a friend. "i don't care who he is or what driver's academy he's in, i just want to have a little chat with him."

y/n laughed, shaking her head as she pictured toto storming into the red bull garage to yell at poor liam for hurting his favorite intern. "you don't have to do that. i need to learn how to deal with these things on my own."

lewis turned his head, giving her and understanding look. "remember we're here if you need us, okay? you never have to go through something like this alone again."

"oi, is there another party that i never got invited to?" george proclaimed, making his presence known on the deck. the group laughed, remembering the day they had all met, the day they became what they were today, when y/n had been sobbing on the rocks by the factory parking lot.

"just needed a little cheering up, that's all." she said, resting her head against toto's arm. "it's been a day. too many emotions for me to handle."

she thought again about liam's text, a stab of pain ricocheting through her heart. she just had to trust that things were going to work themselves out, because sometimes that was the onyl thing that there was to do.

maybe it was time to take fate into her own hands. should she try a dating app? a speed dating event? god forbid she join a singles club.

"nyck just got out the scrabble board." george remarked off handedly. "between the four of us and carmen, i think we could kick some serious scrabble ass, don't you think?"

lewis laughed. "says the guy that only played three letter words last time we played."

"i didn't have y/n on my team." george proclaimed, placing his hands on the intern's shoulders. "she's the smart one here. so what do you say?"

y/n smiled. "deal me in. i'm gonna kick both your asses."

she'd worry about getting a boyfriend later. but for now, she had the best found family she could have ever asked for.

Tags:

@libraryofloveletters @magnummagnussen @sidcrosbyspuck @scuderiamh @diorleclerc @daydreamingleclerc

#fuck i—#this is amazing op #so so good #i relate to y/n so much #literally lol i too am a law girlie with anxiety and a stupid amount of love for mercedes #🥹 the way everyone loves her makes my heart so happy

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mickcedesamgf1 · 1 year

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#oh hes just like me fr

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mickcedesamgf1 · 1 year

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https://instagram.com/stories/stephsingleoleary/3070166728815905006?utm_source=ig_story_item_share&igshid=Mzc1MmZhNjY=

🫠🫠🫠

OMG MY FORST ANON HOW EXITING

iwl my friend already sent this to me and this was my first reaction 😭

the urge to drown him in some sunscreen is unmatched

#mick #poppy talks #poppy’s anons??

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mickcedesamgf1 · 1 year

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i miss leash kid mick

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mickcedesamgf1 · 1 year

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Viper // Part 8 // MAX VERSTAPPEN – N.01 (N.033)

Author’s Note: Here’s eighth part for Viper! The last one for the 2019, we’re finally stepping into 2020 after this one and I can’t wait for a lovely little points refresh. Warning, you may want some tissues, I was listening to the Sad Hour playlist on Spotify the entire time I was writing this one too. It may be a biiiiiiit angsty.

I also wanted to say a maaaaaaassive thank you to you guys for your support these last couple weeks. There was a whole situation with some pushy comments and not-so-pleasant asks from a particular user (who went anon after being blocked to send in even more, hence why I turned off the anon asks btw) and it kind of put me off from writing for a couple of days. But after this, my asks inbox has been flooded with a bunch of supportive and sweet messages from a whole bunch of you (which I’ll be getting around to answering soon 🥰) and even a few chats offering to help me test out the block feature to make that user wouldn’t be a bother anymore. I really appreciate it and you guys make my days with all the positive comments and sweet words 🥰 So thanks 😘💜

Find the previous 7 parts on my masterlist, here.

Summary: Y/N fills the vacant Red Bull seat at the beginning of the 2019 season, craziness ensues.

Characters: Max Verstappen / Driver Reader, Daniel Ricciardo x Driver Reader (besties).

Word Count: 12k

Warnings: Fluff, Comfort, Drama, Angst. All the good stuff. Mentions of sex, Mature content, language, etc. Google Translate for Dutch words.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

To say your father was confused when you showed up on his doorstep in the middle of the night after arriving back in Canada on a whim would be an understatement. Still, he’d welcomed you into the house with open arms, immediately figuring out that something was wrong seeing as you were technically supposed to be participating in year-end testing right now quite literally on the other side of the world. Instead of asking questions, he wordlessly helped you bring all your suitcases up to your room, leaving you to catch some sleep after giving you a tight hug that said so many unspoken words, even when it was clear that you were shutting down emotionally.

Your flight had been one of the worst you’d ever had, essentially in a panicked daze the entire time. You hadn’t been able to sleep, your mind torturing you with the knowledge that you’d lost one of the best things to ever happen to you. You had to live with the knowledge that you’d selfishly chosen to put yourself first and break Max’s heart instead of losing your career. You tried to tell yourself that Max would do the same thing if the roles had been reversed, but something inside told you that that wasn’t the truth.

It's safe to say, the flight had been hell.

You’d done as promised, texting Dan to let him know that you’d made it to your father’s house safe and sound.

Not even two seconds later, your phone starting ringing with an incoming call from Max. Your heart ached as you declined the call no matter how much you wanted to accept it and tell him everything, feeling even worse about this whole fucking situation. You couldn’t even bare to open your text chat with Max, seeing the notification of unread messages only climbing as time went on. If this went on, you were sure to crack.

Before you could talk yourself out of it, you opened up his contact card, tapped on the edit button, and hit the big red block button. You told yourself that you didn’t have a choice, a fresh round of tears pooling in your eyes as you settled into bed. This was only a temporary solution, knowing that you wouldn’t be able to run away from Max forever. You were his teammate for fuck’s sake, meaning that you’d have no choice but to work with him in the coming month to get ready for the next season. You’d have no choice but to see him at the Prize Giving gala in two weeks, a commitment that Christian had been adamant you could not miss.

You had two weeks to figure out how to build your walls up so fucking high that one look from the Dutchman wouldn’t cause them all to cave in again. You needed to figure out how to stop wanting something you’d never be able to have.

You’d made your bed, and now you needed to lie in it.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Max’s P.O.V.

It took Max 6 days to realize that you’d blocked him.

The first day, he’d done his best to force all thoughts of you to the back of his mind. Part of him had hoped that you’d show up for end of season testing (even though logically he knew that you were long gone), expecting to find you around every corner. He really shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was to see Alex Albon on your side of the garage, filling in for you. The whole day felt off, everyone sensing that Max was in a funk and steering clear unless it was work related.

Your brother kept giving him weird looks when he thought Max wasn’t looking, clearly out of the loop about whatever happened. Max was thankful that he still seemed to be able to put his personal feelings aside and focus on the job, seeing as he’d signed a legally bound contract to work with Max for the next year. He thought about asking your brother for more information on your whereabouts, but he couldn’t cross that line.

So, Max kept his mouth shut through testing, did what the team asked of him and caught a flight back to Monaco as soon as he possibly could. Before his flight left, he sent you a text asking if you could talk once he got back to Monaco. He wasn’t surprised to find it didn’t deliver, assuming you’d turned your phone off after he’d tried to call you one too many times. (Yes, he was well aware how pathetic he was being…)

Then on the third day, after landing in Monaco, Max learned that you hadn’t come home. He kept going back and forth between being angry and upset about this whole situation. He was angry and both you and himself, you for going back on what you’d said and himself for having let things get far enough to get hurt when you’d changed your mind. The anger was easier to deal with, using it through to get through the next few days without losing his mind. The anger only festered the longer his messages and calls went unanswered.

Then on the sixth day after Abu Dhabi, Daniel had dragged him out of his apartment for a late dinner to talk. Max wanted nothing to do with it, knowing how close you and Daniel were (part of him was also irrationally annoyed at Daniel for withholding information, because the Aussie obviously knew where you were and why you’d up and left without a word. He didn’t count that fucking note as a word.) Daniel didn’t ask him how he was doing, apparently the answer being quite obvious through Max’s unimpressed and easily irate state.

But Daniel, being Daniel, also managed to get him out of his head for a few hours. It was almost like it had been before, when Daniel was still driving for Red Bull and the two of them would just go out and goof around, talking about anything other than racing. They didn’t talk about the last season, or whatever the fuck had happened in Abu Dhabi. They had a normal night out, as friends. It was nice to pretend, to forget for a little bit.

But then Daniel’s phone had lit up on the table between them with an incoming call, your smiling picture taking up the entire screen. Daniel shot him an apologetic half smile, standing from his seat and answering the call as he walked away from the table for some privacy. Max watched his friend’s retreating figure with a scowl on his face, the reminder of everything he wanted to forget very unwelcome.

He pulled out his own phone from his pocket in an attempt to distract himself, and all too soon found himself in his messages app with your text thread open. Your phone was on, meaning you’d receive whatever text message he would send. Before he could think better of it, he typed out yet another message and hit send.

Max: I just want to talk…. Please.

Was it desperate? Absolutely. He was fucking begging for a response. But he wanted answers. None of this was making any sense.

His brow furrowed when the text message didn’t send. That didn’t make any sense because your phone was clearly on if you were calling Daniel. His text should go through while her device was powered up, and he knew for a fact that it was if Daniel’s gesticulating arms as he continued to speak on the phone out of earshot was anything to go on. Hell, Daniel was laughing at something you said, so what was the harm in trying to get your attention while he had the chance. So, he sent another text.

Max: Y/N?

Same thing. The message never sent.

And the realization hit him all at once. You’d blocked him.

The anger that had become so familiar to him over the last few days settled back over him, as he shoved his phone back into his pocket. He didn’t know what pissed him off more. The fact that you had run away and taken away any opportunity to figure out what the fuck had happened, or the fact that you clearly didn’t seem that bothered if you were fucking laughing about it with Daniel on the phone. Or maybe it was the fact that he’d misread everything, let you in only to have it thrown back in his face like this. Maybe you weren’t torn up about it at all. Maybe your note had been the truth, and you’d gotten caught up in the high of winning and taken it a step too far with the nearest available body to keep the high going.

He felt like a fucking idiot, watching Daniel’s laughter fade as he nodded along to whatever you were saying even though you couldn’t see the action through the phone. Max finished whatever was left of his drink, flagging their waitress for another one, even though he was well aware that getting hammered wouldn’t do shit to numb the sting or anger he was feeling.

Daniel settled back into his seat just as the waitress was dropping off another gin and tonic at the table for him. Max didn’t even bother to hide his annoyance. Daniel let out a deep breath.

“She’s in Canada.”

He couldn’t have stopped his brows from rising up in surprise if he’d tried. Part of him wanted to book the first flight he could find to Ottawa, knowing that it was where her father lived. It was about as far away from Abu Dhabi as one could get, and still a considerable trip from here in Monaco. She’d run as far as she could go, to somewhere that was still familiar to her. It wasn’t that surprising the more that he thought about it. But she’d blocked him, so it was clear that she wanted nothing to do with him. “Why are you telling me this?”

Daniel shrugged a shoulder, very obviously observing his reaction.

“She doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’m not going to fly across the Atlantic just to have a door slammed in my face.” Max rolled his eyes, tone every bit as bitter as he felt inside.

“I know.” Daniel settled deeper into his seat, gaze still assessing. “You’re aware she’s going to be at the Prize Giving ceremony next week in Paris, right?”

He felt his shoulders tense. He hadn’t even thought that far ahead. Of course, she would be. She was taking home multiple awards, including one for a higher overall finish than his. She couldn’t not go, no matter how set she was on pretending that Abu Dhabi had never happened. “Yeah…”

A tired sounding sigh left his friend’s mouth. “She asked me to be her date to the event.”

Max fucking hated the flash of jealously that flared up within him. Logically, even he knew that they never could’ve gone together even if things hadn’t turned to shit. Especially with his dad also coming to the event. Still didn’t mean he liked it… “And?”

“And the two of you are going to have to get over your shit and pretend that everything is fine. Literally every executive who matters in motorsport is going to be there. Christian and Helmut are going to be there. Your dad is going to be there. You can’t look…well, like you do right now.”

Max gaze narrowed further, not appreciating the pity that was rolling off his friend. “Maybe I wouldn’t look like this if I knew what the fuck happened. It’s not like I can ask her in front of everyone why she ran away from me.”

Daniel winced slightly but didn’t disagree. “She wouldn’t tell me either… before she left. But…” Daniel paused, looking absolutely conflicted. Max didn’t blame him, knowing how close he and Y/N were. He threw his head back and sighed, making a pained sound. He was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

“What?” Max asked, stomach sinking slightly as he watched his friend.

“I think you should let it go.” Daniel said slowly, almost refusing to meet Max’s eyes.

“But-”

“Mate, it’s doing more harm than good. For both of you.” Daniel interrupted before Max could fully protest. “You both have a shot at the title next year.”

“I don’t give a fuck about the title right now.” Max snapped. Daniel should know him better than that.

“Except you do.” Daniel snapped right back, rolling his eyes at Max because they both knew that most important thing was winning. It was the reason they all put themselves through the hell that was Formula One. Max had practically been bread to be a future World Champion. “Do you seriously expect me to believe that you don’t get angry every time she’s a step above you on the podium? I was your teammate for three years, you can’t lie to me about this shit.”

“That’s not the point. I don’t care that she won in Abu Dhabi. Hell, I even felt like… proud.” He didn’t mention that the fact that the outcome couldn’t change anything in the standings, or how he’d stopped feeling quite as annoyed when it was clear that neither one of them were going to win the title last year. Besides, it was only a small, buried part of him that thought that way. Max didn’t care.

“So was I, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a part of me that wishes I’d never given up my seat at Red Bull.” Daniel looked like he felt guilty admitting it, but it was something unspoken that they’d all known. “You don’t have 20 years of friendship to fall back on. Besides… who do you think Red Bull is going to drop when shit hits the fan?”

“That’s not-”

“Not done yet, Golden Goose.” Daniel cut him off once again, a stubborn pout filtering onto Max’s face. “She’s the one with everything to lose if the wrong people found out. Helmut’s already looking for any excuse to rip up her contract, given what he’s publicly said about women in the sport. We both know the misogynistic prick never wanted her there in the first place. The media would rip into her, making it all about the fact that she’d sleeping with her teammate instead of the fact that she’s one of the better drivers we’ve ever raced. She’d be made an example of why more women shouldn’t have a place here. She’s already had to fight harder than most of us to earn even a shred of respect… people finding out would undo all of that. She doesn’t have a choice but to live up to this… impossible standard if she wants the be allowed to chase her dream. She’d not allowed to have feelings, or she’s proving them right. We don’t have to worry about any of that, because we have dicks.” Daniel was starting to look more frustrated the longer he spoke, clearly upset with the situation. “And if Jos found out? He wouldn’t fucking hesitate to bury her to clear the path for you.”

Reality had come knocking.

Daniel was right. Things never should have gotten as far as they did. He didn’t want Jos anywhere near Y/N and her career and knew very well that he wouldn’t hesitate to hurt her if it meant Max would come out on top. Maybe it was better off this way, and Y/N had just snapped back to reality a lot more quickly than he had.

“She could’ve told me this, instead of running.”

“Would you have let her go?” Daniel shot back. “She’s been saying it all year, mate.”

Max realized then that Daniel was one of the people who really knew him. He knew that Max would’ve tried to change her mind, convince Y/N that none of this mattered if they had each other’s backs. He would’ve held on for dear life, not wanting to let go of the best thing he’d ever had. Y/N held such a power over him, and she had no idea.

Max didn’t know what to say anymore, hating every bit of this. He hated that this was all out of his control. He hated that he’d fallen so deep into her that he hadn’t thought about any of this until now. He hated that they’d crashed before it had ever really taken off. He didn’t doubt that if racing wasn’t everything to them, they’d be the thing he’d never ever dared to wish for.

It wasn’t fair.

“I hate this.” He admitted to his friend, looking out at the Monaco harbour, watching the sun setting over the horizon. Daniel didn’t say anything, silently drinking his wine in commiseration for Max’s misery. “The prize giving is going to be hell.”

Daniel let out a dry, humourless chuckle at that one. It was going to be incredibly awkward, given everything that had happened. “You should bring a date too. Someone to keep you distracted so you’re not starring at her all night looking like… well this.”

Max rolled his eyes. “Fuck no.”

Daniel took another sip of wine, shrugging a shoulder. “Then you better have some really fucking good answers prepared when people ask you why you look like you have a stick shoved up your arse.”

Max narrowed his gaze again, slowly exhaling. “Fuck off. We’re done talking about this.”

Daniel, being Daniel, held his hands up in surrender and immediately started talking about a UFC fight that was coming up, making plans to watch it before they headed off to France next week.

Max spent the remainder of the night only half present, mind still hopelessly stuck on Y/N and wishing that it had all worked out differently. A small part of him wished that that night in Abu Dhabi hadn’t happened, convincing himself that it would make it hurt less but at the same time he wouldn’t trade those few moments for the world. He wished he could hate her because it would make this so much easier.

But no, he had to go and fall in love with the one person he’d never be able to have.

Fuck this. He really needed to get his head sorted out and focus on what was really important. Winning.

Max decided then and there that he wasn’t going to let himself be distracted by the what ifs and what could’ve beens. A week of sulking around and behaving like a heartbroken fool was already too long. He wasn’t going to be this pathetic person pinning after someone he couldn’t have. He was going to win, focus on racing, and do what he was meant to do. He was going to become the Driver’s World Champion, regardless of who his teammate was and what he felt about them.

Then, maybe after they both won…

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Your two weeks of quiet in Canada had been the best thing you could’ve done, regardless of how pathetic you’d been throughout it. You dad had tried to get you to tell him what had happened your first morning at home, but you’d shut it down. You were done talking about it, focusing solely on getting your emotions sorted out so that you could function like a normal human being again.

You needed to get back to the focus you had before things had gotten complicated. When winning had been the only thing that mattered. It was the only way you’d make it through this, if your entire life became about racing and making the most of what could be very limited time in Formula 1 if Jos Verstappen ever decided to open his big fucking mouth.

You’d chosen your job, so you had to make it worth it.

You’d called Daniel after your first week at home, the Aussie relieved to see you smiling over the video call regardless of the fact you both knew your smiles weren’t as genuine as they had been the week before. You’d asked him to join you at the Prize Giving ceremony the following week as your date to the event, knowing that you wouldn’t be able to keep up your determination without Daniel there to act as a buffer and keep you distracted from your thoughts.

Then you spent the next week convincing yourself that everything was going to be fine. You could handle it. You’d been through worse. It was just a big fancy dinner, and a small speech. You could sit at the opposite end of the table and avoid talking to Max entirely. You wouldn’t take one look into those stupid blue eyes and instantly change your mind.

The next thing you knew, you’d flown to Paris and met Daniel at the hotel you were sharing a suite in, refusing to go to a more private dinner with some of the other drivers who were in town for the gala. Daniel had spent the day of the gala in the room with you, while the glam squad that the team had arranged made you look like you’d gotten more than two hours of sleep the night before, or the fact that you looked like you hadn’t gotten out of bed for three months.

Thankfully, no one commented on it, clearly picking up on your less than chatty mood.

You were put into your dress and shoes, and before your mind could fully catch up to the fact that it was time to put on your game face and deal with the crap you’d been avoiding the last two weeks, you were in a town car on your way to the gala.

“I really don’t want to do this.” You mumbled, fidgeting with the one long sleeve of your dress. You were wearing this simple, black floor length dress that had this one sleeve thing going for it, and a slit along the opposite side that went all the way to you hip. Simple, but still eye catching. But right now, you wanted nothing more than to turn around and go back to the hotel. Hell, you wanted to go back to your comfy bed in Canada and hide until your pre-season training camp.

“You don’t have a choice but to attend. You’re getting like, 3 awards.” Daniel rolled his eyes at you from where he was sitting across from you as the pair of you were driven from the hotel to the event venue in the heart of Paris. You were thankful that he’d said yes when you’d begged him to be your +1 to the event, knowing that you wouldn’t stand a chance without him.

You made sure your PR smile was firmly set on your face as the car rolled to a stop in front of the event venue, knowing that there would be plenty of photographers on you the moment you stepped out of the car. This was your first public appearance since stealing the constructor’s championship from Mercedes, after all.

Daniel kept a hand firmly around your waist as the pair of you walked the carpet, only taking a step back when your PO insisted they wanted a couple of solo shot of you. You kept your wide smile on, like the thought of going at it alone wasn’t enough to have a panicked chill run through your bones. Daniel was back at your side the moment he was cleared to do so, knowing without it having to be said that you were struggling with all of this tonight.

The pair of you went and did a handful of interviews together, giving rehearsed answers and joking in the way that you had been doing in the paddock the entire last season. Daniel was quite sweet with his praise towards you, letting everyone know how proud he was that his best friend (with an extra emphasis on the word friend so the gossip magazines wouldn’t get the wrong idea) had achieved so much this past season. He even earned a genuine smile from you when he talked about your record breaking 5 wins in a rookie season.

After wrapping up the interviews, the two of you were led inside to mingle with the other people attending while you waited for the ceremony to get underway. You beelined for the bar the second you were in the reception hall, wanting a little something to take the edge off. You couldn’t help but scan the room for those blue eyes you hadn’t been able to stop thinking about no matter how hard you tried, letting out a relieved huff when you weren’t able to spot him in the room. Daniel didn’t miss the gesture, ordering a second round of drinks when you immediately downed the first.

“Pace yourself, Y/N. I know you haven’t eaten anything today and you have to give a speech when they give you the rookie trophy.”

You narrowed your gaze and pouted but made a show of holding your champagne flute in your hand instead of immediately downing the whole thing in one shot again. Daniel was right, you couldn’t afford to make an ass out of yourself in front of the entire racing governing body.

The second genuine smile of the night made its way onto your face when Lewis wandered over to you and Daniel, pulling you into a hug in greeting. “Where’ve you been, Y/N? You disappeared after Abu Dhabi.”

“Oh, you know, I just wanted a bit of peace and quiet after all that.” It was refreshing to talk to someone who didn’t know your whole world was falling apart. “Went off the grid for a bit.”

Lewis nodded in understanding, assuming you meant you were avoiding the increased media presence on your after what you’d managed to pull off. “Toto told me that they offered you the second seat for 2021.”

Daniel nearly choked on his drink beside you.

You jaw dropped slightly, having completely forgotten all about the offer that Toto Wolff had made to you ahead of your final race of the season. It suddenly sounded a lot more appealing, a way to avoid all of your problems. “Think he’d give it to me for 2020?”

Daniel gaped at you, fully in shock now.

Lewis laughed, not realizing that you weren’t entirely joking. “What? Not happy at Red Bull anymore after you guys took the Constructors?”

You shrugged a shoulder, forcing a false smile on your face. “I want the WDC, so I want a seat with the team that will give me the best chance at doing so...”

“Well considering how close you were this year, I think it’s safe to say you have a pretty good shot next year without having to take the penalty of breaking your current contract.” Lewis chuckled. “Besides, Valterri has a solid contract. Toto won’t take the financial hit. Not with a cost cap coming in.”

“Oh darn.” You sighed, trying to make it sound like a joke even though part of you was kind of disappointed that you wouldn’t have a choice but to see your contract through this year if you wanted to drive. You couldn’t believe you hadn’t thought about this sooner, the prospect making you dread your future that little bit less. Mercedes would solve everything. You’d get a good car, a team that respected your abilities and swore not to prioritize one driver over the other, and you wouldn’t be forced to interact with the one person you were dead set on avoiding on a daily basis.

It’s safe to say that the next sentence to come out of your mouth surprised both of the drivers around you. “Tell Toto I’m open to hearing what he has to say for 21.”

Lewis’s smile turned into a smirk when he realized how serious you were being. He knew without a doubt that the two of you would dominate the field if you were on the same team. “Damn, Y/N. I will.” With that being said, he wandered off to go talk to other people in attendance.

You felt a little bit better about your situation now that you had what seemed to be a viable solution. If you could get the Mercedes seat, you’d only have to put up with Max for one more season. You could handle that, probably. Daniel’s grip on your arm as you’d started to walk away too snapped you out of your thoughts. “Ow. What the hell, Dan?” You muttered, his grip not the gentlest you’d ever felt.

“Are you fucking crazy? You want to give up your seat with the arguably better team to drive as Lewis’s backup? All to avoid Max?” Daniel hissed quietly as you so that the other people around wouldn’t hear you. He clearly thought you’d lost your mind. Hell, maybe you had.

“It’s not about him.” You snapped in return, still not willing to say his name out loud for fear that it would give away that it was partially about him. “Mercedes has been dominating the field for years. I’d be stupid to say no to that chance, if they seriously wanted me. I could win a championship with them. Toto promised that there would be no #1 driver until there was no mathematical hope for the other one.”

“Wait… you actually want this. Did you not see the shift this season? Red Bull is right there.”

“Red Bull will make it very clear if we have a shot at winning the WDC next year that I am not the driver they want to back.” You said, sure of that because of the leverage Jos held over you. You couldn’t tell Daniel about that, but it didn’t change the fact that it was the truth. “I won’t be another Webber, begging for scraps while my teammate gets everything that I want.”

“You can’t possibly know that. Christian wouldn’t be stupid enough to force you to be second driver.”

“Christian’s not the one I’m worried about.” You admitted, because your team principle had been nothing but supportive of you since the moment you’d signed your contract, just over a year ago. You hoped that this revelation would be enough to get Daniel to back off for a bit. At least, give him a bit of time to process so they could talk about this in private.

He never got the chance to say anything else, because your conversation was interrupted by the team principle in question. Christian Horner appeared out of the blue, bringing an abrupt end to your previous conversation as he greeted you. “Y/N! Lovely to see you again. You look well, the time away has done you some good!”

You cringed a little on the inside, glad that the layers of makeup were doing their job in hiding how much of a mess you really were. “Yeah, it’s been good. Quiet, definitely needed after-” Your breath caught in your throat, cutting you off mid-sentence as another trio approached your group. You were joined by Jos, Kelly Piquet and the one person you’d unrealistically been hoping to avoid all night, Max.

You couldn’t help but wonder what the hell Kelly Piquet was doing practically hanging off of him. She’d just had a baby with another one of the drivers on the grid… and now she was after Max? You almost had to shake the thought out of your head, when Jos greeted you with that sleazy smirk of his on his face, along with a quiet hello from Kelly and nothing but a curt nod from Max.

You caught his gaze when he nodded, unable to look away. Christian and Jos started talking in the group, but you weren’t hearing any of it. You were too busy trying not to freak the fuck out. You couldn’t break right now. God damn, you really should’ve pretended to have some rare illness to get out of this tonight. Max’s gaze never shifted from yours, though you could barely recognize the way he was looking at you. He was pissed, there was no hiding it. You’d done exactly what you were supposed to. It had worked.

Why did it have to hurt so much?

Daniel subtly grabbed your hand, stopping you from picking at the skin around your nails as you stood in a silent staring contest with Max. Max caught the movement, eyes flickering to track the movement before the scowl deepened on his face.

The lights in the room dimmed to indicate that the dinner portion and award ceremony was about to start, breaking the starring contest. You sucked in a breath, relieved for the temporary pause. You pulled Daniel by the hand that was still linked with yours through the crowd, downing your champagne again as you walked. You were the first at the table reserved for the Red Bull team, taking a seat at the opposite end from where you’d seen Max’s name card. You were technically sitting in Christian’s seat, but you doubted he would care.

Though because you had been the first to sit, with Daniel on your left, there was nothing you could do to stop Max from also ignoring all the name cards and purposefully taking up the free seat on your right. You tensed, nails digging into your palms from where your hands were firmly situated on your lap. You considered begging Daniel to switch seats with you, but also knew that it would only draw more attention to your current discomfort. You didn’t know how to deal with this, overhearing Kelly’s flirty comment to Max as she settled into the seat on his right as well.

You offered a tight-lipped smile to the waiter who magically appeared and filled your wine glass with whatever was being served tonight. Your smile turned to a scowl when Daniel snatched your wine glass away, drinking from it himself and giving you a pointed look that reminded you to slow down. You pinched his side, not giving a fuck about what people thought about you so long as you could make it through this stupid dinner without having a mental breakdown.

“Y/N, I heard you’ve won the Rookie of the Year award.” Kelly unknowingly broke the tense silence, trying to make polite conversation with the other people at the table.

Daniel nudged you, reminding you that the normal thing to do when someone speaks to you is to answer them. “Um, yeah.” You mumbled, barely getting the words out with a forced smile. “It’s kind of cool.” You added, after another nudge.

“You’ve won that one too, right Max?” Kelly asked, to which the Dutchman simply nodded. “It’s pretty cool to see a woman up there though, getting the award. I’m sure there’s lot of little girls all around the world who look up to you.”

You were surprised by the genuine sincerity you felt from Kelly’s compliment, feeling bad about the assumption you’d made about her when you’d first seen her walking in with Max. “Yeah, I hope to see more of us in the future too. Too much testosterone in the paddock.”

Kelly laughed, the melodic sound of it grating on your nerves as it seemed to catch the attention of everyone around the table, but you quickly shook that thought away. Kelly was being nice, you could be nice too. “All I couldn’t hope for is that Penelope would look up to someone like you as she grows up. Putting all the boys in their place.” She continued, like you were the greatest of friends.

You assumed Penelope was her daughter’s name, a soft more genuine smile on your face. “I’d be honoured.”

Thankfully Daniel jumped in, having known Kelly for a while due to his friendship with Daniil. Christian, Geri and Jos jumped in every once in a while, the conversation flowing over the table. No one noticed that the two who were being honoured at the event tonight barely made a sound, sinking further into their seats and wishing for this whole ordeal to be done with. You refused to tear your gaze away from the wine glass that Daniel had confiscated from you, especially when you could feel his eyes on you.

You barely moved when a plate of food was placed in front of you, turning your focus onto that as people around you ate. You forced a couple of bites down your throat, ignoring the way your stomach was turning. You spent the rest of the meal cutting up the food and tossing things around on your plate, making it look like you’d had more than three bites. How the fuck were, you supposed to eat when Max wouldn’t stop looking at you, the queasy guilty feeling never going away?

You got away with your spaciness a little bit more once the food was cleared away and the award ceremony actually got under way. Kelly had thankfully recaptured Max’s attention, drawing his focus away from you. It gave you a few minutes to breath, Daniel doing the best that he could to have your back, if the arm around the back of your chair, his hand giving your shoulder a little squeeze every once in a while, to bring you back out of the depths of your mind.

You definitely should’ve called in sick.

“Yours is next.” Daniel said softly, concerned gaze meeting yours. “Are you good?”

You forced yourself to give him a small nod, because you didn’t really have a choice. You’d have to get on that stage and say something regardless of if you wanted to do it or not.

Dan’s hand on your shoulder was firm as they cued up the presentation of the rookie award by playing a video showing off most of your highlights from the season. A ghost of a smile was on your face, award that there were cameras on your face to capture your reaction. You watched your victories, crossing the chequered flag in Monaco, Hungary, Japan, Mexico and Abu Dhabi. They showed off some of the more impressive overtake maneuvers that you’d pulled off, some of which had been up for action of the year. They showed some of your on-track battles with both Max and Lewis, wrapping up the package with a clip of you and Max celebrating with a massive hug after you’d won the constructor’s championship in Abu Dhabi.

You squeezed Daniel’s hand for dear life, trying to calm the panic that was rising within you.

You flinched when you felt a hand on your thigh under the table, turning to find Max’s concerned blue eyes on you, brow furrowed. Fuck. You were obviously freaking out enough for Max to pick up on it too, his concern for you overriding any anger he felt towards you. “Are you okay?” He asked so quietly you weren’t even sure he’d asked.

You shook your head as subtly as you could, not trusting your voice in this moment. You let out a startled breath when you felt his thumb soothingly running back and forth, the acting distracting you enough from your racing heart and smoothing some of the panic away. Even when he hated you, he cared.

He carefully pulled his hand away when you were called onto the stage to accept your award, standing from his seat beside you and offering you a hand to help you up. As you placed you hand in his and let him lift you out of your chair, you could feel another glare on your back, reminding you once again that you couldn’t falter.

So, you offered Max the fakest smile you could with the cameras on you, physically forcing all of this overwhelming and confusing shit to the back of your mind and making your way over to the stage. The presenter came down to help you up the steps and make sure you didn’t trip over your long dress, leading you to the center of the stage where you were handed a polished trophy. You took one last breath as you settled in front of a microphone, ready to address the room and everyone who mattered in the sport. The sound of Daniel cheering over the gentle applause brought a small, real smile to your face and helped to calm the remainder of your nerves.

“Part of me is still convinced that this entire year has been a bit of a fever dream.” You mumbled with a small smile, taking in the room and feeling a little bit more comfortable when they laughed at your attempt to make a joke. “No, but seriously, I never imagined that my rookie season in Formula 1 would turn out the way that it has. I’d always been so focused on proving that I could make it to this level that I never really took the time to consider what it would look like once I got there. I can for sure say that this season has been even more amazing that anything I ever could have dreamed.”

You took another breath, settling in. “But uh, none of this would’ve been possible without the people who’ve had my back since the very start. First and foremost, I need to thank my dad.” You voice wabbled slightly at the mention of your father, and you willed yourself not to cry in front of all these people. “He uh, I don’t think a lot of dads would be too supportive of their baby girls strapping themselves into too fast go karts and trying to beat all the boys on track, but he was. He saw how much I loved racing after that very first karting session and did everything he could to support my passion. He let me do what I was meant to do.”

“And, I also wouldn’t be here today without the one and only Daniel Ricciardo.” You smiled towards you best friend, feeling a slight bit of genuine happiness at the wide toothy grin he shot back at you. “Daniel was the first person to get me into a kart. It was when my family moved to Australia, and he and my brothers would go karting for fun on the weekends. I got frustrated about having to sit on the sidelines and watch, and Daniel was the first to suggest putting me in for a couple of laps, not a care in the world about the fact that I was a girl.”

“Then as I started winning in my own age category and working my way up the ranks, he was easily my biggest cheerleader. I guess you could say he still is.” Daniel humoured the crowed with a loud cheer, earning laughs from those around the room. “Daniel was also the one who funded a good chunk of my first Formula 3 season, when no sponsors wanted anything to do with me because I was a girl. He gave me a chance to prove that I belonged in this world. I-” fuck, your eyes we’re watering again as you met your best friend’s gaze through the crowd. “I owe you so much for believing in me, Danny.” You wiped at you eyes before a tear could spill out. “And I promise I’ll pay you back for that loan whenever my Christmas bonus comes in.” You deflected from your emotions with another joke, reeling it back in.

“Of course, I’ve also got to thank Christian, and everyone at Red Bull for giving me a chance and a car that could compete with the best of the best. That also goes for everyone at the factory in Milton Keynes, all the mechanics and engineers, communications personnel and everyone else who keeps this team up and running that I’d love to take the time to name but know I’d get booed off stage for taking up too much time. And uh, one last thanks to my teammate Max,” you barely hesitated, saying his name “for keeping me honest on track and forcing me to be the best driver I could possibly be. You’ve fought me the hardest out of everyone else on that grid and made me a better driver because of it. I know that when I race against you, there’s no gender or politics or any of that bullshit. It’s just driver against driver, and we’ll always push each other for the best results we can get for ourselves, and the team.”

You bit at your lip, looking everywhere but at those crystal clear blue eyes you knew were glued onto you. “So yeah, thanks and uh, it’s a real honour to join the club.”

Once you’d spoken your final words, the room around you erupted into applause. You let out a heavy breath, shoulders sinking dramatically at the realization that you’d survived your speech. You hadn’t planned to say as much as you had, especially not all of that about Max, but you couldn’t and wouldn’t change it now.

You made your way back over to your seat so that they presenters could carry on with the next award, accepting hugs from Christian, Geri and Daniel. You froze when you found yourself face to face with Max, the Dutchman giving you the quickest of platonic hugs for the cameras snapping pictures before disappearing to find himself another drink. You didn’t even have the chance to reel in your surprise before you were forced back into your seat by Daniel who finally handed you a glass of your favourite kind of wine. You placed your trophy on the table in front of you, accepting the wine from your friend and taking a large sip, the alcohol almost immediately soothing your wired nerves again.

“Thought you wanted him to hate you.” Daniel said lowly under his breath, just quickly enough for you to hear him over the next highlight real that played throughout the room.

You took another sip of your wine, not giving any response.

Geri was quick to compliment your speech, leaning across her husband to do so. She told you she was happy that her own daughters also had someone like you to admire in the sport, stating that it was easily one of the best decisions that Christian had ever made with this team. You kept a smile on your face, thanking her for her kind words before turning your focus back to the stage as the next award was presented, clapping along with the rest of the crowd.

You really tried to focus on the ceremony and what the prize recipients were saying while they were on stage, but that got increasingly difficult when Max came back to his seat beside you with a fresh glass of wine for you, along with his own gin and tonic. You didn’t miss the way Kelly’s brow furrowed slightly, when Max held his glass up in a cheers to you. You tapped your wine glass against his glass, trying so fucking hard to keep your face neutral.

You couldn’t let your focus slip because of the questions you found hidden behind his gaze. So, you turned your attention back to the presentation, trying to appear absolutely enthralled by whatever was happening on stage. You thought that Max took the hint, especially when he relaxed back into his seat and turned his own gaze back towards the stage.

It wasn’t until you’d finished clapping for the Formula 3 Championship winner as he’d gone to collect his trophy that things took another turn. Instead of placing his hand back on the table, Max’s hand went back under the table to rest on your thigh. And because you hadn’t expected it, you flinched in your seat, drawing a curious glance from Daniel who still had his arm around the back of your chair. You shook your head at the Aussie, trying not to alert him to the fact that something was definitely wrong.

What the hell did Max think he was doing? His date was literally siting inches away, and here he was putting his hand on another woman who’d made it clear that it would never happen again between them.

You slipped your own hand on under the table when you were sure that no one else was looking, fully intending to shove Max’s hand off of you. But before you could do that he surprised you by turning his palm upwards to catch your hand in his. Your breath caught in your throat, Max winding his fingers through yours and simply holding your hand. No funny business, no distractions… he was just there. For the first time in almost two weeks, your mind went quiet, your body calm.

You knew that you should unlace your fingers or push him away. He deserved a clean break, not these fucking mixed signals. But at the same time, you were selfish. It was in your nature, and how you excelled at your day job. On top of that, there was only so much you could handle. You could blame it on the alcohol and empty stomach, or any number of excuses you were sure your brain would come up with later, but right now you didn’t care. You found yourself returning the grip on his hand in return, not paying any attention to the show anymore.

No one other than you and Max knew what was going on right now, this moment only existing for the two of you.

You were also keenly aware that the moment you would drop his hand, the spell would break. So, you silently held his hand through the next few segments, right up until it came the time to introduce the Formula 1 championship trophies. You didn’t have a choice but to release his hand, because he’d been the first one to be called up on stage to accept the third place trophy.

You avoided his gaze as he pushed himself up and out of his seat, clapping your two hands together above the table like the rest of the room around you. He was pulled into a hug by Kelly and then his father, before making his way onto the stage.

You didn’t really hear anything that he said, too busy steeling yourself up for when your own name would be called shortly and you’d have to pretend that everything was fine next in Max in front of the masses. In a stupid move, you downed the rest of your wine, praying that it would help. Daniel sighed from beside you, not a fan of your current chosen coping mechanism.

It wasn’t much longer before your own name was called, and you forced yourself up out of your seat. You swayed slightly, caught off guard by the alcohol you’d consumed tonight hitting you suddenly, and as hard as it had. Daniel reached over to steady you before anyone could catch on, opting to walk you over to the stage and up the steps so that you wouldn’t trip with your sudden disorientation. You made your way across the stage unassisted, collecting your trophy and mumbling a simple “thanks again” into the microphone that was shoved into your face. You’d already said everything you wanted to say.

“Are you okay?” Max murmured to you beneath his breath, as they called Lewis onto the stage as well to accept the World Driver’s Championship trophy for the sixth time.

“I’m fine.” You shrugged him off, fake smile plastered onto your face.

You kept your gaze focused on the crowd in front of you, not wanting to risk catching Max’s concerned glances in front of everyone. The two of you had to stand up there even after Lewis finished off accepting his award, so that the constructor’s championship trophy could be received along with the two of you. Christian practically skipped onto the stage, accepting the award on behalf of the team and praising his two star drivers, bragging about them like they were his own kids. You stood for group photos, hoping that you didn’t look like too much of a mess. It must have been passable, because no one said anything to indicate otherwise. The more the cameras flashes around you, the more you started to feel the urge to get the fuck out of there.

You should’ve listened to Daniel and stopped drinking. Your head was a fucking mess.

You bolted from the stage the second the whole thing wrapped up, handing off your trophy to one of the organizers. You needed to put as much space as you possibly could between yourself and Max, and if that meant sneaking out the back of the venue and hailing the first cab you could find back to your hotel then so be it. You’d played your part for the night, completed your obligation. You should be allowed to slip away unnoticed. Daniel would get over being ditched for the after-party, unlikely to hold it against you in the first place when he was fully aware of your state of mind this evening.

You remembered seeing an employee exit in the same hallway as the restrooms at the beginning of the night, figuring that that would be as good a place as any to make your exit. You took off, sticking to the outskirts of the room and praying you could get through unnoticed. People were too wrapped up in their conversations now that the awards ceremony had been wrapped up, the music louder than it had been earlier as the party got underway.

You snuck out of the main room, and immediately turned down the hall on the left side and made your way past the restrooms. The hallway was deserted, and there was no warning signs on the side door at the end of the hall so you pushed your way through it, the chilly nighttime Parisian air filling you with an overwhelming sense of relief. The door slammed shut behind you, leaving you alone for the first time in hours. Your mask fell as you sucked in some air, taking a moment to breathe properly for the first time in hours.

You took a seat on an overturned crate a few feet away from the door, ignoring the cigarette buds that littered the ground around the makeshift seat, indicating that workers probably used this spot during their breaks. You then took a minute to calm yourself down, pulling your phone out of a hidden pocket in your dress to order an uber back to the hotel. 7 minutes, and you’d be clear.

You closed your eyes and leaned your head back against the wall as you waited for time to pass you by, ignoring the chill in the air. It helped with the alcohol induce light-headedness, giving you a moment to decompress. Drinking on an empty stomach really had been a bad idea, and you were lucky that it hadn’t gone worse in front of that many important people. You needed to figure out a better way to deal with your shit, and figure it out soon.

You heard the door squeak as it was pushed open, body tensing. You didn’t even have to open you eyes to know who it was, feeling his gaze on you as the door was gently shut behind him.

You glanced down at your phone. 6 minutes.

“You probably shouldn’t be hanging out in a dark alley all alone when you’re drunk.”

“Fuck off.” You mumbled quietly, wishing he’d just go back inside. Didn’t he know that this would only make it hurt more?

Max chuckled dryly, quiet footsteps making their way closer until he sounded like he was right in front of you. You didn’t dare to open your eyes just yet. “How was Canada?”

You somehow managed to repress the flinch, not expecting him to have known where you were all along. “Cold.”

“Is that how it’s going to be now?” Max asked, straight to the point. “Pretending I don’t exist?”

5 minutes.

“I guess so.” You sighed, utterly exhausted. This was all too much…

Max scoffed, clearly unhappy with your answer. You couldn’t help yourself, making the mistake of meeting his gaze. You immediately saw the frustration on the surface, but what kept your gaze locked on his was the clear hurt behind those perfect blue eyes. No matter how much he tried to hide it, you could see it clear as day. Seeing it in person like this, face to face, made you feel even worse.

“I’m sorry.”

“Bullshit.” He snapped, frustration leaking into his tone. “Don’t lie, Y/N. It doesn’t suit you.”

You bit at your lip, fighting to keep your expression neutral. “I am sorry.” You stressed, needing to say it, and needing him to believe it. “It never should’ve happened…”

Max shook his head in front of you, disagreeing. “I don’t believe you.” He paused, letting out a long breath. “You’re forgetting that I’ve gotten pretty fucking good at reading you too. You were… You felt the same way before I left that morning. I’m sure of it. I want to know what changed your mind.”

“I told you, it-”

“You didn’t tell me anything. There was no conversation.” Max cut you off, brow pinching together slightly. “Just this, and you were gone.” He reached into one of the inner pockets of his suit jacket, pulling something out and shoving it into your hands. You clutched onto the tattered piece of paper, not even needing to see it for the words on the page to bring ringing around in your head. You’d felt horrible when writing it down the first time around. You’d known exactly which words to use to hurt him the most. The physical reminder in your hands only served to make you feel even worse.

“Changed my mind, I want the championship more.

I’ll never be able to give you want you want because winning will always come first. It always has and it always will.

I knew you’d let me through for the race if you trusted me… so I used it to finish P1 yesterday. I used you to get what I wanted. I thought I could keep up the act, but I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to win the right way. No more pretending.

I never should have let it go as far as I did, but the high was addictive, and I couldn’t stop until it was too late. It’s what I do… What I’ll always do. Anything to win.

Sorry.”

Max recited the letter word for word, clearly having memorized it over the past two weeks. He held your gaze as he spoke, the words cutting deeper in your soul than he would ever know. You held his gaze, praying that your emotions were buried enough to appear as unaffected as possible. He muttered out that last sorry with clear distaste for the word. “You really expect me to believe any of that?”

You shrugged a shoulder.

“This,” he pointed to the piece of paper you were holding on to for dear life “isn’t you.”

You frowned. “What, you don’t think I want to win the championship?” You muttered, focusing on that because it was the truest part of the note. “What the fuck do you think I’m racing for if it’s not to win the whole fucking thing?”

Max saw right through you, not even trying to pick a fight about that part of the note. You both clearly wanted to win more than anything else. No, he chose to focus on the part of the letter you’d written in the hopes of breaking his heart. “You don’t use people. I heard the radio, was part of those strategy meetings. You would’ve been just as fucking happy if I’d won with you in P2.”

“I’ve been using and playing people my whole fucking life!” You snapped, contradicting him. “They call me Viper for a fucking reason. I’ve used the fact that people see me as this fragile, sensitive thing to my advantage for years. People have always underestimated me, never seen the threat and I used it. It helped me win cause they never saw it coming. I’ve known all along and used it.”

“That’s different and you know it. You’ve never used me.”

“Max…” You sighed, wanting nothing more for him to let this go. 3 minutes.

But Max was Max, and he refused to let it go. “See, I think you’re running cause you’re scared of getting hurt. It got real, and you don’t know how to handle it. Wanting to win is just an easy excuse to fall back on. I’ve used it myself to get out of things before too, not wanting any distractions to get between me and a title.”

You quietly shook your head, not trusting your voice to deny his spot on statement.

It didn’t seem to matter though, because Max held your gaze for what felt like forever after that. He could clearly see your resolve crumbling, and probably knew to a certain degree that he was right. You’d let him in, and he was easily one of the people who knew you the best. He could see past your walls, and the things you tried to convince yourself of. He knew you, the real you.

“I love you.”

It was the worst thing he possibly could have said. He’d said it so quietly, you weren’t even sure he’d said it for a moment. But then you saw it in his gaze, that things that neither of you wanted to talk about before Abu Dhabi. Those stupid feelings that you’d been trying so hard to keep buried leading up to that race. The thing that was making all of this so fucking hard.

You knew in this moment that if you didn’t break him, he wouldn’t give up. You don’t know how you managed to do it, but you forced yourself to bury everything. All it took was one deep, focused breath and you were numb. You knew what you had to do. “I know. I’ve known for a while now. Since Austin.” You said dryly, holding his gaze.

“Then why are you so set on running from me?” He asked, voice just as quiet as he essentially bared his soul to you.

Because your dad will ruin me, and I need to race. You’d never tell him the truth. You couldn’t.

“Because I don’t love you.” You lied through your teeth.

You’d never forget the way Max’s face just… shattered in front of you as he took in your words. You watched him shaking his head in disbelief, trying to convince himself that this wasn’t the case. So, you twisted the knife. “I’d never be stupid enough to fall in love with my teammate. The other night didn’t mean the same thing for me… It was just sex after a win, that in hindsight, never should’ve happened. It could’ve been with anyone.”

His face fell for a moment, before he carefully collected himself and hid his heartbreak behind a blank mask. You didn’t doubt his face resembled your own right now, carefully crafted indifference to hide behind. Your phone buzzed mutely in your hand, letting you know that your uber was finally here.

So, you spoke again. “I get it if you don’t want to be civil, as teammates, anymore. I fucked up our… partnership by letting things escalate when they never should have. That’s totally on me.” You pushed yourself up off of the crate you’d been sitting on for the past little while, standing directly in front of Max. “But for the sake of the team, you need to get over this so we can defend the constructors next season and have a shot at beating Lewis.”

“Fuck you.” Max muttered incredulously, racing the last thing on his mind right now.

Good, it was working. He was hurting alright, seemingly questioning everything he’d thought he’d known about you. You hated every single second of it, but what else could you go? You weren’t giving up your entire career for someone else, no matter how you really felt. That would never be an option. So, what’s the harm in saying even more things you’ll never be able to take back to make sure it would all be worth it? “I want to win, Max. That’s never going to change. I’m not letting your feelings get in my way.”

You didn’t wait for him to come up with a response, stepping around his tense frame and making your way down the alley. You could feel his gaze on you as you walked away but didn’t dare turn around. You couldn’t let him see the tears that started rolling down your cheeks, all resolve to hold everything in leaving your body with every step you took. Max would change your mind if he saw how broken you were right now too. So, you stood straight and kept walking away, slipping away unnoticed into the uber that was waiting for you next to the building at the exit of the alley.

You were doing what was best for the both of you, even if he had no idea.

You didn’t have a choice.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

You weren’t surprised to find Daniel sitting at the foot of the bed in your room of the hotel suite you were sharing when you finally left the bathroom.

You’d been a mess when you’d first gotten back to the suite, barely holding yourself up enough to stave off the panic attack that threatened to wash over you. You didn’t hesitate to take the anxiety medication you’d gotten from your family doctor in Canada the week before, because it was supposed to help you with your more frequent panic attacks. You’d made the appointment to get the medication when it was clear that your panic attacks were here to stay, after a long string of not having any. No one except you and the doctor who’d prescribed it knew about it, and you’d made sure that it wouldn’t set off any alarms at work if you found yourself needing to take it. It wasn’t banned, but that didn’t mean you shouldn’t be careful. You’d avoided taking any until tonight, but this seemed like as good a time as any to accept a bit of extra help.

You’d peeled off your dress and jumped into the shower before you could overthink this big thing you’d just done, letting your sobs be muffled by the sounds of the shower as you cranked the tap up to its warmest setting. How you’d gone from flat out refusing to even discuss the possibility of having access to this medication after your accident in Austin, to feeling like you couldn’t survive without a bit of extra help a few weeks after the best night of your life… what a fucking mess.

You’d lost track of time as you stood under the scalding spray of the shower, giving yourself a little more time to feel your feelings. The burning hot stream had enough to keep you grounded and give you something else to focus on instead of sinking into the despair that threatened to overwhelm you. You’d stood there until your skin was a bright screaming red, and you could barely see through the steam in the room. You stood until the hurt gave way to the emptiness and numbness, aided by the medication.

You’d hated this side-effect the last time you’d been on these, but right now it seemed like a blessing. You could breathe, not weighed down by everything.

You were done feeling like shit, refusing to let Jos have this much of a hold over you. You’d given up Max, and you’d be damned if he made you afraid to do the thing you loved the most. You also came to a decision as you wrapped up your shower, letting the last of your tears swirl down into the drain with the too hot water. You were going to win the championship this year, just to spite the Jos Verstappen and his threats.

Daniel’s brows rose in clear surprise when you made your way over to the bed, obviously looking more put together than he’d been expecting. He’d probably be disappointed in your if he knew why you weren’t as much of a mess, having been around the last time you’d been on anxiety medication. It hadn’t gone great. But then again, this was different. It was only for the really bad nights, like tonight.

You crawled into your side of the bed, pulling up the duvet and getting as comfortable as you could. You patted the empty space beside you, a silent invitation for your best friend to join you.

He huffed as he pushed himself back up onto his feet and disappeared for a couple of minutes (presumably to change out of his suit into something more comfortable for sleeping), proven right when he reappeared a couple of minutes later with a couple of water bottles for the two of his and his travel pillow. He shut off the lights on his way over, taking his sweet time to settle into the other side of the bed.

“Any particular reason why you ditched me at the after-party?” Daniel asked, breaking the silence.

“Nope.” You hummed in response.

You could almost hear him rolling his eyes in the dark. “I’m assuming Max got blackout drunk for shits and giggles too, after the two of your disappeared for a while and I had to keep everyone distracted so they wouldn’t notice.”

You bit at your lip. “He disappeared too?” Your fake surprised tone didn’t fool either of you, nor did the shrug that followed. “I guess he wasn’t feeling the party either.”

“You guys fucked again, didn’t you?” Daniel said, groaning and covering his face in disgust. “Is this what I’m in for net season? Covering up for two like you’re two horny teenagers?”

You smacked his arm, rolling your own eyes this time. “Trust me, you don’t have to worry about that. I… told him the truth. Racing’s always going to come first. I uh, threw his feelings back in his face because they won’t change my mind. I broke his heart, so I don’t think you’ll have to worry covering for us when I’m sure he won’t willingly speak to me again.”

Daniel waiting a long time before speaking again, clearly processing this information you’d somewhat nonchalantly revealed. It’s a good thing it was dark in the room, so you didn’t have to see the judgement or worry on his face. It wouldn’t make you feel like an even worse human being. Instead, he grabbed your hand for a while and held it, simply offering his quiet support because it was obvious that this whole mess hadn’t been a walk in the park for you either. When he did speak, it was one word. “Why?”

“Because I’m going to win the Championship next year.” You didn’t hesitate with your answer this time around, sure in yourself. You had to be, or else this would all be worthless. You were going to do it.

Daniel squeezed your hand. “Fuck em all, eh?”

“Fuck em all.” You repeated, squeezing his hand in return.

How things had changed since this time last year, when you’d sat in a hallway with Daniel at the Red Bull factory, debating whether or not you should sing the contract that was being offered to you. He’d said the same thing then, having your back through it all. You knew he’d do the same through this, as you chose to pursue your dream above anything else.

But now, a year in, you knew that you could do it. You were going to be the 2020 World Driver’s Champion, regardless of what it cost you.

You’d prove them all wrong.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

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#my heart just shattered #good bye heart i guess #mv33

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