An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself "we have to cut the electricity off!" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams "we need more data!!" And he sets the curtains on fire.

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I’ve got a german shepherd!

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Two friends were talking

And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'

To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'

'I had sex with my teacher.'

'But I thought you were homeschooled...'

'Yeah...'

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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I wanted to help my pet snail.

He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish.

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I was being trained as a caller in a suicide prevention hotline...

...On my first day of training, my manager said;

"Let me show you the ropes!"

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Two men sit across from each other on a train...

...both with black eyes. Seeing the coincidence, one guy says to the other: "Hey I see we both got black eyes here, mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy responds: "Well, I was in the train station getting a ticket, and the teller was a gorgeous lady with huge knockers. I got flustered and accidentally said 'Can I buy one picket to Titsburg?' instead of 'one ticket to Pittsburg.' And the lady got offended and punched me in the face!" The first guy chuckles and says back: "Damn... I got mine in almost the exact same way. I was eating breakfast with my wife, and instead of saying 'Honey, can you pass the salt?' I said 'Fuck you bitch, you ruined my life.'"

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i have no words

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Redditors be like

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when you’re short and your girlfriend is tall

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When I left for work this morning my neighbour was scrubbing his front door...

... as someone had graffitied "PAEDO" on it.

Me: "Mate, what's been going on?"

Neighbour: "Fucking kids..."

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3/4

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Do you have Gold, Titanium, sulfur, and Carbon inside you? If yes.

Then you're

Au Ti S Ti C

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Shoryuken

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An average Englishman has sex 2 or 3 times a week. A Japanese man has sex once or twice a year.

This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.

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What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the batmobile!

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Fun for the whole family.

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