by slime sunday

My childhood until now BASICLY

Somehow I settle down for a long time by now. I settle down all my thoughts and expectations in a jail full of empathy parts of me, which I don't even remember. I strike every single day to not harm more people than I already do, I pretend everything is okay without realizing, on complete suffering, which is kind of confusing. I lost all my newest memories, I don't remember being hugged or kissed or receiving any of the gentle actions towards me, I can't remember the people and pets that used to make me calm, I can't remember any plays that I and my sister used to do, I can't even remember how I looked like, but I do remember all the screamings and fights while I was at the kitchen door holding my plush. I remember you holding strong and tight harder and harder, putting me against the wall, I remember the power on your eyes, how you were enjoying to levitate a child 50 cm above there height. I remember how you used to use myself against my wealth. I still remember every word that you've used against me, the ones you use to make me smaller, stupid, bastard, demon. I still can listen to you guys saying how diabolic and unnatural I am, saying that I'm going to hell for the best, and then when I'd run and start panicking beating my head against that sharpener wall and screaming as loud as I could you came pretending to be my safety, but you were just shy that the neighborhoods would see it. It would ruin your silly reputation. I had this kind of panic attack 6 times until now. If I get cold someday, you all will see the scarfs in my head. I can remember number two attracting me to the garden, and holding me tighter and tighter, and in a week, he was found with eight shots on the face, I cried for his death, I don't know why. I can't remember how useless and full I was on your eyes, and eventually mine. I still can feel every time someone's touching me. I can remember how loud you guys screamed to me, how you take all the anger and depression inside and put all on a child's back. I remember how I had to ask if you loved me because you were always saying that wanted a daughter. I remember you coming toward me with the belt on hands, blood on your eyes and closed fist, I am still afraid of you. The only good thing I can really remember, was my drawings, my projects, the only thing that makes me feel that it made sense, that I matter. You took that from me too, I had to burn it all remember? 

I have never forgotten a nightmare.

And then I became a teenager. My home was unsafe, the school was scary, my room was never mine. Thank God I had internet, I could use the web to forget about my life, to forget the need to breathe, and you were always joking, saying I was a full and an idiot. Why you made your problem mine? You broke me forever, you know that right? 

I used to make plans to run away, I study how to find and stole food or money, how to be hidden, I was just worried about food actually. A fucking child. Unfortunately, the drug comes, giving me freedom for the first time. I could finally feel something, not that it was a good feeling but at least I was feeling. I smoked, I smelled, I dropped and I swallowed. I put me surrounded by people just lost like me. My dogs dying, my school life dropping, my family ignoring or screaming at me, and how good I was acting smiles and happiness. These people used me, hurt me, burrowed the deepest they could on my secrets and insecurities just to use against me and go away. I also hurt then, Fiscally and Verbally. I wasn't presented to love yet. What makes me feel worst is how I still can feel empathy for then, or how I was being and becoming the last person I wanted to be. I still feel all the guiltiness, hopelessness, nervousness, anger, loneliness, and suffering. I still feel the blade cutting my arm in two, I still feel how hurt my throats got because I needed to scream and how I was after, the air coming and living from my body, hyperventilating. The voices never get out of my head, I still broke. I'm just getting older I guess, having more perception for the mutual suffering of all living things.

Sometimes I decided to look back, like while I'm writing this,  and it just seems that I wasn't there, that wasn't me living in that kid's body. The giant was always fallowing me, with his huge horns getting out of his head. There was no skin on his face, just the skull with an infinity dark on it. I was full of alucinations. 

I chose to forgive you and everyone, especially my self. Is not because I can't remember, that I wasn't there. Is not because I learned and grow that I left everything behind. It was because if I permit myself to feel that again, the result is me killing you, or my hands killing me. I didn't change, I still the same person that wants to run away, that feels the needs on drugs and screaming, the child that randomly thinks about cutting his life off, or the boy that wants to put a knife in the middle of your eyes. What changed? Nothing is the same thing for more than 1 second. So I guess I don't want to change. I can't do anything to put this pain away, I tried everything. But I still wake up and get out of my bad. You luck I still here, is literally 20 mins for me to go and you never see me again. None of you.

Maxxiel Mill

“Life” via weheartit