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matt-masterss · 3 years

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Only two people have ever had this expressed to them in my life. I don’t expect a single soul to ever read this. But I hope me writing this will somehow help me.

It all started when my mom died when I was 4. That was the first time someone left and never came back. First time being abandoned. I still try and deal with that everyday. Never understanding or knowing what it’s like to have a mother and someone who loves you in a way only they can. My entire life it’s been a weird mystery and concept to me.

From there people just came and went out of my life like it was nothing. Never really bugged me until I realized that’s not really how it should be.

My dads alive, but not necessarily a parent in the normal sense of the term. He was always trying to be a friend more than anything. He tried his best. But the drugs and the trauma didn’t help much.

I always had this idea of unconditional love in my mind. What it meant or should be. Wanting nothing but the person you love to be happy, doing anything for them, not asking for anything in return, no secret motives. just happy to be with them. Through the good and bad times. It was something I feel like I never experienced from family.

I tried to find that in friends and lovers growing up. Doing things at a very young age that most people don’t to try just to impress others. Drugs, sex, hanging out with the older kids, extreme sports, dress certain ways.

That all changed when I was about in 9th grade. I brought some kids some alcohol to school to try and impress them and become friends. But they were just using me and lied. They ended up getting caught with it and snitching on me the moment they could to try and not get in trouble. The principles understood my background and were very lenient with me. I was getting good grades, a like able person, just another kid in the system who was felt a shitty hand. And I got kicked out of school for a while.

During that time I realized how I was sick of not being my self, trying to please others, letting other people sway my opinion so much because I just wanted to be liked. I never really got attention at home in that way.

I almost died that summer when I ripped open my kidney and liver. I didn’t realize how much I truly hated where I lived until after that. People only checked up on me so they could post about it on social media, my step mom stealing my pain pills that I needed to be able to function while my organs healed, going into high school with a “fresh” start. Not really knowing anyone.

I tried killing my self once school started. I remember it so vividly to where I can still remember every smell, the look in my classmate Quinn’s eyes when he realized what I was going to do, the feeling of the gun in my mouth. I was listening to king park from la dispute. Quinn looked at me and asked what I was doing and what I was listening too. We were in class and supposed to be taking a test but I was jsut dissociating and not doing anything.

I remember looking at him and told him none of this shit matters. No ones going to see me after tomorrow anyways. after that he never talked to me again. At least not the same way. He was a nice guy. Probably could’ve been a good friend. After school I went home. Little brother was taking a nap, my dad asleep on the couch, and Justine was gone some where. So I made my move, I knew my dads combination to his gun safe and where the key was. I was so numb yet full of adrenaline. I grabbed his 9mm that I knew always had hollow points in it. I figured it would make the chance of survival less.

I wrote a note explaining my reasoning and left. Went to the river trail that was just down the street. Skating down the side walk with the wind at my back almost pushing me to go faster and get it over with. “Can i still get into hevan if I kill my self” a lyric that’ll always be burned into my mind. I got to the trail and walked into the tree line. Pulled back the rail and turned the safety off. Had the pistol lined up in my mouth to go right through my brain. I pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. So I kept pulling it over and over. The gun was empty. I was so preoccupied with getting it I didn’t even think about if bullets were actually in there.

I’m grateful it was empty. I’m grateful I didn’t kill my self that day. It made me realize a lot about my self and needing help. Wanting more out of life, to be my self, to not be so sad, to live a great life, make as many memories as possible, to help others. I brought back the gun. Burned the note. And acted like nothing happened.

I focused on school and friends. Then she came along. Rylee, the first girl I ever opened up to and romantically fell for. Little did I know she would physically abuse me, use me, and manipulate me. After about a year I broke it off. I was hurt and confused. I know relationships come and go but I never understood why I was treated like I was.

If I wasn’t good enough

If I could’ve done more

I was a fucking kid.

Sometime later came Cherikee. We had known each other since elementary school. She had been with one of my friends for years and they split up. We started hanging out the summer of 2015. And I fell in love. We fell in love. She trusted me and i felt like I could try and trust her. We went through hell together. Graduating high school, family violence, my self harm and eating disorder, her self harm and eating disorder. I always came out on the other end stronger. And for a while she did too. We moved in together after high school. Her family accepted me as one of their own and I’ll always be so grateful for that. But things changed, people always change that’s just a part of life and growing up. I learned that from a very young age. She was undiagnosed but we always knew she had a mood disorder. I learned everything I could about mental health and psychology because I wanted to help. She didn’t want her family to know and didn’t want therapy. I begged for years to get help. But she’s never listened. You can’t change people or make them do things they don’t want to. So I was patient. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I was ready for it all.

2020 was a hell of a year. That’s when everything changed. She cheated on me, lied to me, and so much more. I was shattered and in denial that the one person I thought I could trust and call home would do that. I wasn’t perfect. I had my own baggage and god knows I tried and still try to never put my own shit on others. So I left. She didn’t want me anymore. It hurt, I was shattered, but I decided to focus on me. Lost weight, reconnected with my brother who other than my grandma are the only people I can say love me. I have no spite or anger towards her. I still think she’s a good person.

Things were going okay. Working through trauma, focusing on work. Coming to terms with maybe I’m not good at love or deserve love. I wasn’t hateful or have spite. That’s just not who I am. I always think the best of people or at least try. But my trust for people was gone. I did what I did best. Started to lose my self a bit and go numb. Got lost in hookups and woman. Knowing that I didn’t want to fall for anyone or have a connection with anyone. But sex has always been a vice for me. I don’t self harm anymore, eating disorder is taken care of, I’ve had too much trauma and failed attempts of suicide with drugs to want to do those.

So nicotine, caffeine, and sex. My vices.

I met this girl. With green eyes that could ruin your life or make it in a single glance. I didn’t think anything of it.

We talked for a few days and I thought “okay we’re going to meet up and maybe become friends, probably just hook up and then she’ll leave or I’ll push away”.

Fuck I was wrong.

I remember sitting on my porch frantically chain vaping this nasty menthol gas station vape waiting for you to come over. You pulled up in that car with those “badass” custom wheels. You came up and that’s when I first heard your voice in person. It was weird all I could think was how pretty it was.

We went to my room and I remember you asking if it was cool to you vaped. I’m so beyond addicted and didn’t care so I said it was fine. And then the flood gates opened. We talked for hours. Well you talked for hours more like it. And I was so lost in you. Your voice, your story. We started hanging out and talking more. Not every day but every other night.

We bonded over music, long car rides, coffee, life, our dark sense of humor, our big hearts, and the way we connected physically. There were no feelings romantically. We were just having fun and became friends.

I remember when you invited me to your brothers football game. Meeting your family. Your mom and dad sitting on opposite sides of the field. Having to shuffle between both of them to make sure none of them get their feelings hurt. Seeing how everything affected you. Then I met your friends. All your family.

We opened up in ways that neither of us had really been comfortable too with others. It was refreshing and nice. You met my friends and family. We went on a trip out of state together. And we were just having fun. And then we both caught feelings. Quick. I told you I wasn’t ready for anything like that and you said you weren’t either. We pushed it aside and kept doing our thing. Getting to know each other more In the coming months. You’d drive an hour just to see me. I’d do the same for you too.

I told you I loved you in November. I remember how vulnerable I felt. Even thinking about having feelings in that way and trusting someone. But I had this weird blind trust in you that I’d never had before. November 12th is when you said it back. I’ll always remember that. Curse of a semi photographic memory. I asked you to be my girlfriend on decemember 4th.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy. You are still attached to your ex, trying to figure out who you are and what you want. But nothing we couldn’t get through because were happy with each other and always on the same page naturally. It was always just so easy with no stress or pressure. I got too comfortable though. My priorities started to shift more than yours. I fell. And fuck I fell hard. It scared me. Thoughts you were just going to leave. Which I understand happens. People love and then don’t. People come and then go. A cycle I’ve seen my entire life.

I smothered you and didn’t give you space out of my own insecurities of not being enough I think. I’m not exactly sure when things changed. We had only been in each other’s life’s for six months. And things got serious quick. For both of us. I could see where things were going. I had felt this before. It sent me in this mind set I’d never been. And it disgusted me. You broke up with me because you wanted to better your self. Be single. Do your thing. And then it was like I wasn’t there but I was watching everything happen.

I pushed you away and scared you. a woman who had been through just as much If not more than me. And it sucked. Seeing the pain. Realizing how much I have to work on for my self. To never let something like that happen again. Out of all the abandonment, the hurt, trauma, trust issues. Almost none of it compares to hurting the girl with the green eyes. I’ve let go. Moving forward and maybe at some point we can just be friends. But it’s too soon for after everything that happened. Me becoming toxic like I never have. First time I’ve ever been the one to fuck up or honestly be toxic. Never again.

I’ve cycled through my whole life the past few weeks almost like watching a movie. Of reasons to not trust others, never get close, not open up. But it’s not how I want to live and it’s not a way to live. Refocusing on putting my self first. Not falling into cycles with vices again. Being healthy, truly healthy whatever that means.

I’m happy to experience emotions the way I have and feel the way I’ve felt. The ups and downs. Life’s about experiences. And it’s a beautiful thing. If somehow you read this don’t mind me stealing this.

It was all good until it wasn’t.

And well, that’s okay. Maybe I’m addicted to the idea of love. I don’t know. I’ve had to look at my self a lot lately and figure out where to go from here.

Not knowing what I really want to do with my life and where I want it to go. So I’m focusing on friends, myself, being truly okay being alone, not ever relying on others, not letting anyone sacrifice anything for me. I don’t want to hurt anyone like I have in my life. Hurting mentally can be so much more than physical pain. It can make physical pain.

I don’t really know how to end this other than it’ll be okay. Not being okay is okay. Needing help sometimes is okay. And putting your self first is hard. But it’ll be okay. Everything happens for a reason I guess. And letting go is okay.

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