rabbit hole

it is the same as before - spiralling and spiralling further down the rabbit hole. but i'm not alice in wonderland. there is nothing on the other side. there is no adventure. i feel so deflated right now. maybe it will get better - but maybe it won't. maybe the rest of my time here will be as bad as it is now.

dejavu

so maybe it was just a bit of wishful thinking. maybe i stupidly thought i was done with my nothing days, done with having the worst days of my life. i have never wanted to jump on a plane and leave this country as much as i do right now. or maybe i have, and i've just done such a good job at blocking it out.

maybe. just maybe. monday won't come because i won't be here for it. maybe i will wake up tomorrow all hazy like i did after i took those pills. lots of maybes.

full circle

so i'm back here. lost. i am slowly realising that i am very far from where i need to be and it is no one's fault but mine. i have spent 7 years in this country with nothing to show for. on nights like this, i feel like every bit of me is in pieces, all over the world. this is not my home and never will be - but my years here have cost me a lot of what i used to have back there. i will always be stuck in between, never belonging anywhere.

the thing is, i felt so ready when i met you. i thought i was okay. but i am slowly slipping back into my nothing days and i can feel myself dragging you with me. (maybe we should end this now)

2023

i guess things are different this time - and yet, i still always find myself back here. fighting the tide with every inch of my body, and failing. i am drowning and struggling to breathe and floating above water doesn't seem to be possible right now. i am everything i never wanted to be and there is no answer. no solution.

- my chest feels so heavy and i know i wont want to wake up tomorrow.

i am okay

(It is scary to be this vulnerable) :

I was scared of you not missing me if I left. Scared of not meaning anything to you and not being able to get over you when you're okay. I just wanted to mean something to you but I never felt like I did - and I shouldn't have ever had to ask for you to love me (but I still did, a thousand times over).

I was scared of what life would be without you. Without having a safety net to fall back on. Scared of regretting leaving you and thinking about it for the rest of my life. I didn't want you to be a "What if". I so badly wanted to belong to someone and in some way, anyone was better than no one. I think it got to the point where I felt like I was nothing if I didn't have you and I was so scared that if I wasn't always around you, you would find someone else.

I am still scared and feel all of these things. But a lot less than before. Sometimes I dream about you and wake up sad. Sometimes I see things that I think you'd like to see as well, or experience things and wish you were with me. Someone told me to forget about someone, keep remembering them. Remember them every time this happens, and know they actively chose not to be a part of it all - this beautiful life that is mine. And I know I deserve so much better than you.

decline.

i dont know what to do. i genuinely dont know what to do. things are getting harder and more complicated and i always seem to be caught in the middle of everything. maybe it’s me. 

January

I never seem to be happy. When I’m with you, it’s like we’re putting a plaster over a wound without cleaning it first - things fester and get worse but it’s all covered up. if you can’t see it, it isn’t there. if i don’t think about it, you’re not somewhere else getting drunk with your friends. if i focus on the good parts, we have the rest of our lives together. if i spend all my free time with you, everything is okay. if i go to sleep with you tonight, the past never happened. you never left the first time. always knew it was me. i never made things so complicated. she never existed. and so on. 

i don’t really know how to let go. never have. it’s easier to convince myself that this is fine for now. better to have you in my life than not. but sayang, i am getting so sleepy and sad and i know i know i know this isn’t right. i just so badly want to be wrong. i can’t seem to accept that we never really moved forward as a couple. you always had one foot in and one foot out, always hot and cold, never ever sure about me or us. (i am so tired of feeling like this but i dont know what to do). 

city of lights

i think i have run out of words to say, because this isn’t new. this has happened so many times before, and the same thought has occurred to me in a thousand different ways - this will never be what i want it to be. you will never be able to love me the way i want to be loved.

(right now, i feel numb at the thought of never seeing you again, but tomorrow i will wake up sober and feel everything, all at once. it’s almost enough to kill someone). 

clouds

love, to me, is all or nothing. i have been lucky enough to grow up surrounded in an ever-blooming garden of love, every inch of my memory box showcasing some kind of affection - and i am so grateful. but it means that when i meet someone i like (even a tiny bit), my mind immediately starts to think of the things I can do for them, gifts they would like. i give and give because that is all i know to do. until now. until i’ve started to realise that maybe, i am not one of your priorities. that i am an afterthought in the background, while you are constantly on my mind, even though i didn’t ask for this. 

so we’re back here. or i am, at least. i feel invisible and lost and achingly disappointed in myself. like i want to crawl into myself again, and go back to september when the promises of summer seemed endless. 

lost.

I wish i could go back to a time where i had days and days to spend in bed. wallowing in my emotions. it wasn’t healthy, but it was what i needed then, and its what i need now. 

but there is no time for that. there is no time for me to stop and think and process my feelings and thoughts. i am tired of my emotions spilling out and over - everyone can see the raw version of me and i hate it. i have never been one to keep secrets anyway, but i wish, just this once, i was strong enough to pretend that everything is fine. 

- i don’t blame you; i would also be tired of me 

hey -

I want nothing more than to be able to say this to you, but I know how unfair it would be. How unwarranted it would be for me to send a message telling you how much i miss you and would you want to try again (for the millionth time). I know so many facts : how bad we are together, like two puzzle pieces that don’t fit; how much stress and anxiety i developed over the course of our relationship that i still haven’t managed to get over; the number of nights i spent crying and how towards the end it was just silence because we had already begun to lead separate lives despite staying together - i know these facts. i promise i do.

but lately, i can’t seem to shake the thought of you and us and i miss the little things. watching movies and cuddling, making breakfast for you, lying in on the weekends, days spent in London at our favourite shops. i can’t forget the things i know about you and every time i see something that reminds me of you, i want so badly to be able to tell you.  i know it wasn’t all good. i know these aren’t things that i will only find with you. but you were my person for the longest time and i don’t know how to let go of that (and it hurts a whole lot knowing you’re doing so much better). 

love me back

I feel like i am always playing catch-up. Like love is a race and somehow, I always manage to come last. I do think that at one point we were going at the same pace and everything seemed to fall into place the way it should have - but now you are running in a different field, living in a different city, going to bed with a different person. Maybe I loved you too early, or maybe it was too late : my mind is filled with ‘’what if’s” - what if I had gone back home that summer and met you a whole year earlier? what if i had met you later, when i had moved back home for good? would things be different?I would like to think that you  came into my life for a purpose and i am only sorry that our time was cut so short. 

- i hope your conversations with her last until the sun comes up and i hope she makes you happy.

fade

it has been over 2 months since I called you and said I couldn’t do it anymore. And I’ve been okay - most of the time. Some nights (like tonight), I miss you more than anything and want so badly to call you and hear your voice again. I want to ask you to come over and cuddle me and I want to go to sleep all wrapped up in your arms. I want to wake up next to you and make you breakfast (toast with omelette and guacamole) then spend the day in bed watching a new series. I miss our routine. I miss us. I miss you.  I know we’re better off without each other, but that doesnt make any of it easier. You’re still my bestfriend and I want to be in your life, and you in mine. I can’t erase the past 3 years, nor would i ever want to. I feel our relationship slowly fading away to nothing and I am trying to be okay with it but it is so, incredibly hard sometimes. 

I hope things are easier for you. 

6 days

I can’t put into words how incredibly tired i am of myself and my thoughts. right now, i just want to sleep for a few days. 

(i shouldn’t)

My brain automatically calculates the time difference and I can’t help wondering why you’re awake when it is only 3am over there. I remember you always had trouble staying asleep and I never used to understand but since you left, I haven’t been able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I look forward to night time because it means maybe, just maybe, I might wake up to a message from you saying good morning and telling me to have a nice day. Little things like that used to make me cringe but somehow, they mean the world coming from you. 

Wherever you are, I hope you’re okay, and I hope you know that you’ll always have a place with me. 

september

I’m okay up until the minute I realise I’m not. It always seems like it comes on so suddenly, but lately I’ve been wondering if i never actually got better - i just found different ways to distract myself and when I run out of things to do, everything i’ve been running away from finds me. a part of me wishes you fought for me. for this. us. i’m over you, i promise, but how were you so okay with throwing away the past 3 years? i would have liked to think that i meant more to you, but it doesnt feel like it. i feel like you forgot about me much more easily than i did (and it isn’t fair). 

i am tired of being the last one to leave.

~~

i miss you. i don’t think i should, but i do anyway. i miss you every time something amazing happens at work and i want to tell you, i miss you every time i have a minute to breathe among all the chaos and i start thinking about you because that’s the only place my mind wants to go to - i miss you every single day. 

- i’m sorry if it was me