Saezuru chapter 58 in May!! And apparently, Saezuru on the cover too🎉😭❤ We eating good Saezuru nation!! 🎉🎉❤

Drew this for Yashiro's Birthday but never posted, so... here it is!! 🤭❤

Fresh Thoughts Chapter 57

After reading spoilers on twitter (no spoilers here though^^)

The way Yoneda uses bl stereotypes as a tool while also rejecting some aspects of the genre is so interesting to read. In most bl I've read, sex is seen as the epitome of love - the culmination of two characters' pining and is seen as the end goal that suddenly fixes everything. The dick and brain are one and suddenly everything magically makes sense. But in Saezuru, Yoneda uses sex to unravel the characters while twisting them up even more-so. I believe that sex has never been and will never be the answer for Doumeki or Yashiro, and I think that is what she’s getting at. That is the point of all these sexual encounters that yield no real progress. You need more than three words and some head, ding dongs!

Doumeki thinks that all he has to do is give Yashiro passionate and gentle sex to make him realize that he loves him and imo he has it all wrong. It’s almost like Doumeki doesn’t truly hear Yashiro when he speaks. There's a pause and then a kiss or a continuing of sex as we've seen. I really wish he would’ve probed even further with the questioning instead of giving into desire and kissing Y. To me, it looked like Y was ready to talk more or hear what Doumeki had to say in response to his ‘confession.’

I don’t think D realizes that this is about Y and his view of himself. It doesn’t matter if Doumeki treats him kindly and calls him beautiful. Every person in Yashiro’s life has had an agenda against him or a plan to use him for something (nana excluded). There are always, always strings attached and his heart cannot accept anyone having no intention at all, except to love him purely. I do think D is on the right track though, making Yashiro chase him in a way. Not giving anything away as to make Y either trust his intentions or distrust him, Y needs to choose for himself.

It’s so interesting how the relationship between the two of them is outwardly focused on the physical aspect (which is definitely important), but the story is about the hearts of men. Twisted and broken men. Men with baggage and secrets and deep wounds. Men who seem to be the upmost composed but in reality, the soft touch of a feather can send their entire fortress crashing down. That's what we have here.

Yashiro’s coping mechanism protects him but is also the cause of his continuous pain. Saezuru is about choosing the right pain, the pain that will numb you and have you walk through life as a ghost, or the excruciating discomfort in accepting a foreign act of kindness that you know will save you. And for Yashiro, being saved means there was something wrong done to him in the first place - which I don't think he completely realizes yet. This would mean everything he ever told himself was a lie, and that he deserved none of the cruelty. The truth that would destroy him the most if he truly chose and accepted kindness, is that he is a good person and that he deserves to love himself and to be loved. With Doumeki, this has always been Yashiro’s battle.

Vile actions accompanied by cursed words are what has held Y back all his life from the moment he was raped by his stepfather and throughout the continued abuse, even up to the most recent events post-timeskip. And I think the exact opposite is needed from both sides to finally free both of them from their mental prisons. They just need to hold out and to talk to each other for more than five minutes. I hope they'll get there soon.

Lastly, I'm sure it wasn't her intention to make such an impactful story that subverts a genre and goes against the grain - in a wonderful way. I saw something another person posted that said this story and these characters are just a result of good storytelling and great care and I could not agree more.

I haven't posted anything of actual substance in a while (stupid work is stopping me from my true passion - alas!). These are some messy thoughts; I can't wait to read the actual chapter for true understanding! I need to analyze every pen stroke, blush, and body placement. I just had to get this out of my head, now back to my essay that's due at 11:59 *sobs*

Edit 1:55 am: Still have not started essay

Chapter 57: the Sex

So I am having some feelings about this chapter and I apologize if I start rambling and writing too many posts but I have some things on my mind lol. Lately I like breaking up my analysis instead of doing one large one because I feel like it makes me able to focus on one aspect of the chapter. Right now, I want to talk about the sex and how Yashiro and Doumeki are feeling about it. Yashiro admits to himself that he wants to run away when faced with gentle touches but he is also captivated by them. We see a self awareness that that Yashiro has ignored for decades come into play here. There is indication that he wants to run away throughout the sex but then he promptly gives in. Doumeki seems to be aware of his resistance and even tells him he can throw up if he wants to. When I first saw that line, it threw me off because it seemed cold and almost uncaring. But looking at the greater details of Yashiro pushing Doumeki away and still resisting that gentle treatment, I think Doumeki is acknowledging that Yashiro isn’t ready for lovemaking. Since there were flashbacks to volume 5, I wonder if Doumeki is remembering the aftermath of what happened the last time he pushed Yashiro to accept his gentle treatment. Doumeki is still very much reeling from how Yashiro treated him then. I think Doumeki needed some space in the end too and I am not sure what he meant by telling Yashiro he’ll come back. I think the sex and feeling like he is forcing Yashiro into is wearing on him and even in this sex scene, though he was passionate, he still had his cold, hardened exterior. I don’t want to say this was a test but I think Doumeki tried to push the limits and saw that Yashiro isn’t really ready for loving sex let alone a loving relationship. What this means for Doumeki can only be a guess but he doesn’t have much time to dwell on it since he now needs to focus on his yakuza tasks and there will be no Yashiro to distract him. Yashiro, on the other hand, has made the first steps towards understanding himself and what he really wants. He knows he hates the cruelty and he knows he is scared of the gentleness but likes the feeling of it. This chapter did feel like there was a loss of progress but I think it is realistic. Yashiro is starting to set the stages for him to understand and fight for what he wants. Doumeki cannot be the pursuer anymore as he has other duties expected of him so now I think it is time for Yashiro to fight for them.

I’m so impressed with doumeki in chapter 57; he navigates this path through yashiro’s severe anxieties like a captain steering their ship through rough water. he’s controlled but on high alert, watches for any hiccups and adjusts immediately, and tries to find that wire-thin balance between gentle (scary and wanted) and rough (familiar but unwanted). when yashiro gets too shaky, doumeki resets their position to be less intimate, and then carefully re-introduces kissing until yashiro is far more relaxed. it’s really fascinating and lovely to see how much he's changed in his approach.

and I think we’d all love for him to admit that he loves yashiro too, or at least that his relationship with mama-san/izumi is a facade (or does not replace his love for yashiro), but after this chapter I can see why he keeps his cards so close to his chest. yashiro is so volatile that even he can’t predict his own reactions - there’s a chance that realizing doumeki loves him, even now, would cause him to backslide and retreat into the idea that he doesn’t deserve this kind of love, and do whatever possible to push doumeki away again. I don’t think that things would happen the same as they did in the past, but I’m no longer concerned about doumeki’s silence. he’s playing the long game.

Hmm.... follow the link. HAHAHAHA!

As volume 9 progressed, I strayed away from the idea that Doumeki will have to face his fear that he is like his father and that he has acted dubiously towards Yashiro in a sexual manner like when he keeps going when Yashiro says no which has upset Doumeki about himself in the past. With this latest chapter, we see that Yoneda kou is not rushing Yashiro’s healing process. We also see flashbacks of volume 5 which makes me think Doumeki is going to have to confront his own fears. They’re both thinking about the past and comparing the present to it. Doumeki saw that Yashiro didn’t cry this time and I feel that he was always curious about why Yashiro cried that time. I can’t see Yashiro outright saying it but perhaps Doumeki will find out that Yashiro had a flashback of his stepfather after having sex with Doumeki triggering Doumeki’s own fears. The past is still very much haunting them both so I can see a huge detail like that coming back especially since there are small details here and there that suggest Doumeki also still has the same issues with himself and sex.

Everything we know about Sangwoo’s mother

(Feel free to add to this- it’s not s theory, just a pile of information to maybe make into one)

1. She adopted unhealthy parenting strategies. She was overprotective, did not let Sangwoo be independent, interfered with his privacy and got jealous at any hint that Sangwoo was giving anyone more attention than her.

2. Something drastic must have happened between his childhood/ her “interesting secret” line and the present as his attitude to her went from love

to hatred

However, this was not consistent as his attitude towards her in chapter 3 was:

3. She blamed him for something. We don’t know what yet, but must have been big enough to mentally scar Sangwoo since.

Sangwoo believes (I’m assuming given his breakdown this chapter) that parents should give their children unconditional attention and love no matter what. His mother even told him this:

And yet something must have happened that a) he feels is not his fault, b) was big enough to completely change his attitude to the most important person in his life and c) cause his mother to blame him for it.

4. We don’t know this for sure, but his mother could have also told him he was going to “die the most painful death” and that he’s “just like his father” and that she doesn’t love him anymore.

5. Finally, an obvious one, that she has an “interesting secret” of her own. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what this secret is.

Sangwoo being sexually abused by his mother makes sense

and it’s not useless in the plot.

Why? The possibility of Sangwoo having been sexually abused has been waved in front of the readers’ face ever since early season 1. Yep, there’s a reason why many people have been writing theories pointing at that for years. 

And this proves that it was not a last minute add, it was not merely put in as a shock bonus and it has a precise place in the narrative. Which one? 

Sangwoo’s sexual abuse is actually a perfect parallel to Bum’s.

They’re of the same kind but with opposite outcomes.

Bum’s abuse made him even more submissive from one side, but he also kind of turned it into his own coping mechanism. He’s inherently sexual, he’s easily turned on, he uses his hypersexuality as a tool to get benefits, or at least tries to (see all the times he tried to initiate intimate/sexual contact with Sangwoo).

Sangwoo’s abuse, instead, made him incredibly dominant. He perceives sexual passivity as weakness because that’s how he felt when he was sexually abused. Instead of turning it into his own tool like Bum did, he rejects any form of it and the mere thought of switching to a submissive role makes him panic. What he turned into a tool, instead, is the potential he has of being that useless sexual object he felt like when he was abused. He lures in girls (or even men in Kim’s case) who are attracted to his looks because his looks are what made him the object of his mother’s abuse. He ends up punishing them by death because of this, because they were treating him like a sexual object. He doesn’t kill Bum because he proves to not be just after Sangwoo’s looks, since he confesses his love after witnessing him as a serial killer. He keeps having trust issues, he keeps believing Bum is actually only treating him as a sexual object for a long, long time but eventually he stops thinking about this because Bum’s power to keep his mother away made him fall for him, too. He still leaves some hints of this thinking process here and there, though, even in season 3 (trading oral sex on Bum for his perdon).

Below I‘ll point out the moments in the comic that I think show proof (or are at least hints) that Koogi has always had this in mind, so it’s not a last minute choice. I’m pretty sure this aspect of Sangwoo’s backstory was well thought since the beginning (what changed, I think it’s the way his father died, if anything at all). I think that knowing that this has been planned since forever proves that there’s room to believe that it actually serves a purpose in the comic’s narrative.

• In-Universe Hints

• Sangwoo panicks when he’s pushed in a submissive role

This happens especially when it comes to intimacy and sex, and it has been happening ever since season1.  It occurs first as early as chapter 5:

Sangwoo initiates this kiss, but he instinctively opens his eyes with a surprised and even lowkey worried expression when Bum doesn’t only decide to be in charge by taking Sangwoo’s hand off his cheek, but he even cups Sangwoo’s cheek with his own. He probably also associated this move with his mother’s behavior, since she also usually cupped his face. Sangwoo also instinctively pushed Bum away after he dominates the kiss:

Keep reading

Hi! I need your help with the conversation Y and D had in chapter 33. It was when Y asked D how falling in love feels like. D's answer got me confused every time I read along with Y's face when he answered.

Hello Anon-San! Thank you for this ask from back in September and your patience while you waited for me to answer. ^^

I'll include the page you're talking about scanlated by SaezuruSteve so we can all look at this beautiful part together.

This whole scene is definitely one of my favorites in the manga, from when they enter the warehouse to when Y shoots D. I tear up almost every time I read it, even though I've probably read it literally dozens of times.

In this part of the story, Y has run from D but D catches up to him, refusing to be left behind. Y is in terrible shape and in a lot of pain so he injects the powerful pain killer that he stole from Kageyama's clinic. I think we as readers sometimes forget how fucked up Y is basically the whole time after he's shot in chapter 8, volume 2 until he's hospitalized at the end of volume 6. He's on pain killers almost the entire time (which is only a few days in universe) and I believe this influences a lot of his actions.

Right after he injects the pain killer he stops D in mid sentence to ask "What does falling in love feel like for you?" I think the influence of the drug has caused him to drop some barriers and ask such a straightforward question. He goes on to say that he wasn't referring to how D fell for him - acknowledging D's feelings in a way, which I feel he would never do if he were sober.

Then this follows:

D: ーあなたはほかとは違います D: そう言って欲しいからワザとそんな聞き方するんですか？ Y: 違う D: 違うなら…っ D: 違うなら聞かないで欲しい…っ

D: You're different from the others. D: Is that what you wanted me to say? So you asked like that? Y: You're wrong D: If I'm wrong... D: If I'm wrong, then I don't want you to ask.

(My translation is a little more direct (and so less natural in English) than the one above, but the meaning is the same).

Y looks surprised after D says Y's different from the others. I don't think Y was expecting D to basically confirm the indirect acknowledgement of his feelings for Y. D has in effect said he's fallen for Y and that Y is special and different from any other person he's been with. In a way, it's a confession from D that Y wasn't anticipating and that's why Y looks so taken aback.

Y's next action is a punishment of sorts for D being so open about his feelings for Y. Y says the face D is making gets him excited and proceeds to rip the bandage off of D's cheek. Y then claims that falling in love feels like that for him.

I think this is a reflection of Y's propensity to want to destroy things that get close to him and also an indirect way to share his feelings of love with D. Y's claiming that the feeling he just made D feel is what it feels like for Y to fall in love. It's a kind of answer to D's confession - "If you love me, then you should know that love is like this for me, it's pain."

Y is trying to drive D away by causing him pain, but at the same time confessing that pain is love for him. When Y then shoots D in the leg and D asks him "Why?" Y answers that it's because D won't stay away. Y has inflicted pain on D - inflicted love on D - and he knows that he will continue to do so if D stays near him so he tries to make him leave.

I think Y views his own way of loving as destructive and dangerous and was trying to express that to D - that if D will be loved by Y he will be destroyed by Y. As we all know, D was unable to accept that and continued to pursue Y (thank god for us lol).

I hope this helped you think about that part in the manga ^^ - I think of it as a kind of confession from D and a warning from Y.

Okay, chapter 56 of Saezuru!

First, I just want to give a huge thanks to @itwearsadress for providing such a quick and amazing translation for all of us!

So, this chapter was extremely, extremely interesting.

My main impression here is that, while there's definitely been a breakthrough of sorts between Yashiro and Doumeki, there's still a great deal of fear and uncertainty in both of them. The entire first half of this chapter was Yashiro trying, in vain, to avoid Doumeki's probing questions. To me, Yashiro came across as really terrified, and I think that terror was coming from the genuine belief that Doumeki was just messing with him, basically using his new found knowledge of Yashiro's impotency as a way to be unkind. Normally, this sort of thing wouldn't bother Yashiro, at least, not consciously, but he's in love with Doumeki. Really, really deeply in love. And we see what his perception that Doumeki is being intentionally cruel is doing to him. It's Yashiro's attempt to shield himself from that kind of hurt, the hurt of loving and not being loved in return, that's making him so resistant at first. I really, truly think Yashiro doesn't know that Doumeki loves him, at this point, and I think maybe he's never, truly known it. We have to remember, Yashiro's self-image is completely warped. He's believed all his life that he's not a person worthy of love, or even capable of being loved. His experience with Kage only served to reinforce that notion in his head.

I'll get more into this in a minute. But first, I want to talk about Doumeki's internal thoughts at the beginning, and what I think it means for the end of the chapter. Doumeki says to himself that he's been concealing his emotions to keep Yashiro from running away. Basically, we finally get a definitive answer explaining why Doumeki's been so cold to Yashiro. It's not so much that Doumeki is afraid of Yashiro's rejection, or that he's angry at Yashiro for that rejection, but more so that he just doesn't want to create a situation again in which Yashiro runs from him. He's trying to keep Yashiro at his side. At the end of the chapter, when Yashiro asks him what kind of sex this is that they're having, Doumeki very deliberately says that he's "a man without principles" and that he's just doing this to have sex. He's saying there's no emotion involved. That he's not "in love" with Yashiro and wanting to have sex with him because of it, but simply that he gets physical gratification from having sex with Yashiro, and that's it. I think Doumeki is saying here what he thinks Yashiro wants him to say, or what he wants to hear, because he thinks it's what will keep Yashiro around.

Basically, it seems to me that while there's some unspoken understanding between them, I think they're both still very much pretending here. Even if Doumeki suspects or knows that Yashiro cares for him, he still thinks Yashiro wants to pretend there's no emotion involved. That that's what's required to keep Yashiro with him.

The awful thing is, this is exactly the opposite of what Yashiro actually wants.

Yashiro's almost startled look after Doumeki says this, followed by a sort of sad resignation, makes me think that he believes it. Because when they first met, Yashiro plainly stated that anyone who developed feelings for him would be turned out. I think Yashiro looks sadly resigned here because he wants Doumeki to tell him he loves him again, he wants Doumeki to tell him he cares about him, but he doesn't, and Yashiro no doubt blames himself for that. I think Yashiro is, once again, resigning himself to the idea that whatever chance he had with Doumeki, he blew. He wants the Doumeki from before, who so openly expressed his love for him, but he seems to really believe that chance has passed him by. That he's ruined it. . He WANTS Doumeki to tell him he loves him, but if he can't and won't, he'll take the next best thing, which is just having Doumeki with him. So he just accepts it. He just accepts this idea that Doumeki has no feeling for him beyond the mutual, physical pleasure they share.

Now back to the first half of the chapter and what it tells us about Yashiro's state of mind.

Yashiro looks truly mortified for a moment when Doumeki shows him the memory card and asks him if he knows what's on it, before falling back into an apathetic attitude. That one panel where we get a close up of Yashiro's eyes shows us almost a moment of panic from him, and I think that comes from the sudden realization that Doumeki must now know he's impotent with everyone but him. I think this causes panic in Yashiro, again, because he desperately doesn't want to have to face Doumeki's rejection, and so he doesn't want Doumeki to know he has feelings for him. Doumeki discovering that Yashiro can't get it up with Inami, or anyone else, is tantamount to Doumeki discovering that Yashiro has feelings for him, which leaves Yashiro vulnerable to Doumeki's rejection. So we see Yashiro go into an extremely defensive mode at this point, pretending to brush it off, acting like he doesn't care if Doumeki watches it, acting like he's not ashamed or embarrassed. Yashiro's acting unbothered, but he's clearly freaking out inside. When Doumeki presses, saying "It seems that it's quite different with me", we again get a close up of Yashiro's eyes, showing a panicked, desperate expression, before he again tries to brush it off as just that "sort of play", trying to paint it as meaningless. Again, he's trying desperately to hide his feelings for Doumeki, to keep Doumeki from discovering those feelings. I think Yashiro's attempts at evasion here need to be understood through the lens of Yashiro's fear, and his belief that Doumeki doesn't care about him anymore. He thinks if Doumeki realizes Yashiro loves him, he'll either purposefully use it to hurt him, or just hurt him through rejection. So he keeps playing it off as no big deal.

But Doumeki keeps pressing, because he knows Yashiro is putting on an act here. He asks Yashiro why it is he's so satisfied with him, and again, Yashiro looks panicked. I think the following exchange is really important to understanding what's going on here with Yashiro specifically.

He knows he's trapped now. I think he knows Doumeki realizes that he can only get it up with him because he has feelings for him. We see again a resigned defeat in Yashiro's expression when Doumeki asks him if he remembers how many times he came. The important thing here is that, after answering that he doesn't, Doumeki says he doesn't either, and again, we see Yashiro's eyes up close, looking startled and hurt, and he slips again into pretending like none of it matters. Again, he becomes defensive, saying sarcastically that Doumeki is just being "mean" now. But Yashiro's expression here is very telling. He's smiling when he says the above line, but I think he means it. I think Yashiro's feelings are genuinely hurt. He thinks Doumeki is messing with him on purpose at this point. That he's rubbing it in, maybe to get back at Yashiro for how he treated him before the time skip. I think this exchange is, once again, reinforcing for Yashrio the belief that he's ruined any chance he might have had to be with Doumeki, and turned Doumeki against him, to the point that he thinks Doumeki wants to hurt him.

Doumeki meanwhile seems to be getting frustrated with Yashiro's continued evasion. We see his hands curling into fists when he asks Yashiro from what point it was he started to feel his body had chemistry with Doumeki's. He wants Yashiro to just confess that he has feelings for him, but Yashiro won't do it. I think, from Yashiro's perspective, he thinks Doumeki is just continuing to rub it in and is enjoying this, needling Yashiro, messing with him. Doumeki isn't, but again, this is from Yashiro's perspective. So we see Yashiro, again, get defensive, lashing out by asking Doumeki about his woman. Yashiro's hurt is obvious here. He's upset that Doumeki seems to be screwing with him, using his feelings against him, and so he lets his hurt over Doumeki's involvement with his woman come out. Again, it reeks of desperation on Yashiro's part. He's trying anything and everything to protect himself from the pain Doumeki's causing him, but he's only exposing himself further by doing so.

And Doumeki again calls him out on it, observing that it's unusual for Yashiro to show an interest in his personal life. Doumeki has Yashiro trapped again, basically telling him that he knows Yashiro is lying by acting like he doesn't care. Yashiro is on the back foot during this entire exchange. And again Yashiro gets incredibly defensive, this time standing up and trying to end the conversation. He knows he's got no way out of this now, no way to pretend any longer that he doesn't care, so he tries to escape it by fleeing. But Doumeki doesn't let him.

We once more see Yashiro lash out defensively, tearing away from Doumeki and telling him what he does in his life has nothing to do with him. His hurt again shows itself when he tells Doumeki that he's got no reason to "fuck" him anymore and that he should just go do it with his woman. Again, I think this exchange is super important. Yashiro is showing once more that he genuinely still thinks Doumeki doesn't care for him. His jealousy over Doumeki's woman is his despair over losing Doumeki coming out. We see once more Yashiro's resigned expression when Doumeki tells him that just like it's not his business who Yashiro has sex with, it's not Yashiro's business either who Doumeki has sex with. Yashiro's resigned expression here tells me again that he thinks he's lost Doumeki. I think Yashiro is operating during this entire exchange with the belief that Doumeki is just there to torment him. That's backed up by Yashiro's next words, when he asks Doumeki what it is he came there to do, and then accuses him of being there just to confirm that Yashiro can't get it up with anyone else and "take pity" on him. Yashiro's expression becomes one of apathy again as he says this. It's clear he's trying to shield himself. He thinks Doumeki is trying to hurt him.

But Doumeki of course isn't trying to hurt Yashiro, he's trying to get him to admit his feelings, and he just keeps pressing, because he knows he has Yashiro trapped.

One more really important exchange happens here, I think, when Doumeki presses Yashiro about how sex doesn't feel good to him with anyone else but him. Yashiro says "So what if that's true? You... You were only doing this to satisfy my sexual urges. What benefit is there to you?"

Doumeki's expression is startled here when Yashiro says this, and then in the next panel, it becomes soft, even sad. I think Doumeki realizes in that moment that Yashiro really believes that Doumeki never had any, real feelings for him, and that he only ever wanted to have sex with him for Yashiro's benefit, not because he was genuinely attracted to or in love with him. I think Yashiro's words here break Doumeki's heart, because of how truly sad that is.

And I think that sadness in Doumeki is compounded by his own belief that he can't just tell Yashiro he loves him. He says, in response, "The body chemistry is mutual". It's the best he can do without actually saying he loves Yashiro, because he still thinks, if he says that, Yashiro will run away. He doesn't realize how much Yashiro WANTS to hear Doumeki say it. Like I said, they're both still pretending here, because they both are still operating under false beliefs about the other. Yashiro under the belief that Doumeki doesn't love him and never has, and Doumeki under the belief that Yashiro will again run away if he confesses his feelings.

And then comes the big moment that everyone keeps talking about, which is an indirect confession from Yashiro of his feelings for Doumeki, when Doumeki says in reply to Yashiro's accusation that Doumeki has said some cruel things to him, "You liked cruel things, didn't you?"

I think Yashiro's expressions here are vital to understanding this exchange too.

Again, Yashiro, for a moment before his answer, looks stricken. The thing is, Yashiro DOESN'T like cruel things. He wants Doumeki, and he wants the Doumeki of before, the one who was so kind toward him. But he can't ask for that, because he still thinks Doumeki doesn't care about him, and he can't leave himself open to the kind of pain he'll experience with the rejection of his feelings. The next panel shows Yashiro with what I would call a resigned smile on his face as he says "I do". I think this is Yashiro saying he likes cruel things still, because he thinks it's the only way he'll get Doumeki now. This new version of Doumeki that doesn't love him, but is willing to have sex with him. It is an indirect confession on Yashiro's part, but it's once again predicated on Yashiro laboring under the belief that Doumeki doesn't love him.

It's really kind of a catch-22 between them, because Doumeki doesn't think he can say he loves Yashiro without driving him away, even as it seems he knows Yashiro cares for him, and Yashiro wants Doumeki to say he loves him, but can't bring himself to ask for it because he thinks Doumeki doesn't love him.

Basically, it's still a mess between them, even as we see a kind of acceptance happen at last in this chapter.

I think people tend to forget that Saezuru is, by and large, a tragedy, and there's a definite air of tragedy to this chapter. A lot of the expressions between Yashiro and Doumeki strike me as heartbreaking, resigned, sad, fearful, etc... I think that kind of encapsulates the general feeling of this chapter. It's definite progress, but it's progress that's still greatly hampered by misunderstanding.

Another amazing and nuanced chapter from Yoneda. I'm extremely eager to see what comes with chapter 57. I'm happy we'll be getting the next chapter at the end of March!

Todas as cicatrizes foram expostas no capítulo 56

As do ombro, braço e abdômen do Yashiro. As duas cicatrizes de tiro no Doumeki (coxa e tornozelo), feitas pelo Yashiro e do peito feita pelo tiro do Hirata. Eu quero achar que é um sinal. Eu quero me agarrar na teoria que eles estão tão expostos e revelados como as cicatrizes. A @itwearsadress tinha comentado sobre duas cicatrizes do Doumeki no resumo que fez, mas quando vi a do tornozelo, pensei, temos todas essas marcas aparecendo do nada! Um sinal.

That bittersweet taste now and always 💘

As soon as I saw this scene I was like “-oop, D HIT. THAT. SPOT.” XD

Yashiro is so lost in ecstasy while Doumeki’s like “I told you *thrust* that I want *thrust* your body *thrust* to crave only ME! *THRUST*”

He’s so focused too LMAO, rawr.

Thinking back to how Saezuru began, and following the narrative thread until the last chapter, I have the feeling that the ending of Saezuru will be very similar to its beginning, with the two protagonists separated from the world around them. The path and all the changes undergone seem to lead to an exchange of roles between Y and D. Y seems to distance himself from the Yakuza over time, D, on the contrary, feels very at ease. Saezuru is a healing journey that aims to rediscover oneself through love. Every step forward brings us closer to the origin, to the true identity of the protagonists. Unlike D who deliberately chooses to be part of the Yakuza world, Y has always felt trapped in this world. So, I wonder, will it be possible to see them together in the end? It's hard for me to imagine an ending that isn't a goodbye. Maybe I'm to pessimistic.

Y: Is it good?

D: I don't know it's sweet and bitter... It tastes like you.

This was so sweet of Yashiro, his innocence when it comes to love is endearing. This was some amazing foreshadowing as well, there is so much feeling behind this simple kiss I bet Yashiro wasn’t even fully aware of. I wonder why Y believes he kissed Doumkei on the cheek here, I’m sure he told himself “it’s just because he’s so cute.” lol <333