I am sent to Twitter jail for bonding over the existential finality of life through group suicide so I will occupying tumblr once more since about a year ago.

back at college

I’m 29 years old today. Youth is fleeting. One year left of being a young person, then I really have to step my shit up. I should be working in a neuroscience lab on some new and exciting study, instead I’m working at Dunkin fucking Donuts.

I still have so much love for this little girl. She dreamed of being a doctor, she dreamed of being a professional wrestler. She believed in God and prayed every night before bed. I feel so far away from her now. 29 and fat. Just fat. A fat lazy pig. I want to give this little girl a happy ending to her youth. Something tangible, something esoteric. If I could tell her anything it’s that youth is precious. It transcends all of your bad days into a time where anything seems possible.

I wish I could be more for her. Thinner. Taller. Braver. A more wholesome me. But instead I’ve got a record from getting caught smoking weed and vandalizing a pro-life church. I bet she would have never saw that coming.

If I could do anything, it’s that I would make my dream of a cool 70lbs at 5’3” a reality. So I never have to grow up. So I can stay small forever and so that my mom can see me self actualize for once. I’ve been in and out of eating disorder clinics, even tube fed, but never have a reached that 70lbs. So this year, that’s all I will hold myself to before starting back at college in the fall. I want to return to college a waif who’s alive only on a whim.

I can make my ex boyfriend love me again. It’s been 5 years since I’ve kissed anyone, much less slept with someone. Chris has me blocked on everything but email. So I email him from time to time. He never replies but I know he reads them. I have a lofty goal of sending him a picture of me sitting curled up on the floor of my apartment, my long hair I said I wouldn’t cut until our wedding, and ribs showing. It’s my vision.

I’m going to fight harder than I ever have before to lose weight. I’m never stopping. What I’ve failed to mention is that I have a death wish. A beautiful, whimsical death wish.

To starve until I see black, I’m never coming back.

nothing, and mean nothing, feels as good as losing weight. it satiates more than any food ever has or ever will.

aesthetically gender neutral but with long hair >>>

man WHAT THE F U C K

reading wasted by marya hornbacher for the third time in my life

i am so dangerous.

an act with no conclusion

you say “this life.” you believe in another?

no, i’m an atheist

You thought about doing onlyfans?

no lol

we live in an age of narrative

im ready to keep this blog until im 80

dangerously nostalgic at all times

definitely wasted this life. excited to see what i can scrounge up in the years leftover. probably will end up killing myself qq

tumblr heals