Sexism; or My Attempt to Score Feminist Points with the Ladies; or Getting Distracted and Ranting About Corporate America Without Any Research!

(Disclaimer, if it seems like I’m being sarcastic I probably am.)

It seems like we’re all posting all over social media and all over our lives about how good we are as people. Anytime we’re posting shit on these platforms it’s usually some form of bragging. Fine. I get it. Check me out. Karen likes this. Oooo Ted comments ‘this is problematic racist because you called that guy black’. And so on whatever. We’re all posting all this shit about how fucked up it is that police brutalize these people and rich white guys are raping these people or how this chick keeps lying about being raped and this Mom is a terrible parent cuz her kid is pissing on a picture of Obama. So we gotta get the Republicans cuz they’re all heartless ghouls. Or gotta get those Libtards trying to take my guns and spreading Gay Communism to my children! Not great examples but you get it.

It’s not fucking brave to be like ‘I, the straight white male think women are equal!’ or ‘I think black people are just as good as white people! Cops shouldn’t shoot unarmed black males!’. How fucking bold. Wow. Good job. You’re a real hero. Or heroine. See I’m not sexist.

And we walk around going he’s a sexist because he said cunt! He’s a racist because he said the n-word! We’re acting like three year olds telling on each other for cursing. And then we keep walking like we have this imaginary sash and a crown that says ‘Not-racist, not-sexist, see? because i can tell who somebody is based on a word they used! And i never use those words! Can i buy you a drink? I’m pure! ooo weee women are greeeeaaat’ Like if i just write the word nigger right here that means i’m racist right? I must really hate black people. That word is magic. It transforms you into a slave owner mentality monster. That’s silly. It’s never one word. It’s the context. It’s the meaning  and intent behind the word. Censorship is fucking dumb. Censoring art is even worse. There was a communist revolution once and they destroyed all religious art. That’s dumb. That’s so misguided. 

The truth is sometimes we’re all sexist, racist, homophobic. Sometimes on accident! Admit it! That’s not even the point. The point is to recognize it and learn from it and grow as a person and don’t act on these made up stereotypes society and media put in your brain. Also admit when you’re racist! One time I called one of my black friends, one of my other black friends name. That was racist of me. I fucked up. I didn’t mean to. I was an idiot and racist in that moment probably. And then evaluate yourself! Have empathy!! Sheesh.

It seems to me we’re all seeing horrible things happening and we instantly make them about ourselves. We instantly put ourselves in a position of hostility because we react so emotionally now because the news told us when you hear the word ‘cops’ or ‘woman’ you get fucking ANGRY. The news says it’s an all out culture war. Which side are you on? Huh bro? Which side? We don’t even care what’s right. We care who’s right. We want to be right more than we want shit to change. Does anybody talk to each other? Or are we all reacting to the reactions of shit. We’re in an echo chamber and we don’t remember what the original sound even was. We’re just sitting on the edge of the ocean dipping our toes in the very, VERY edge of the water and judging and yelling about every wave even though we don’t talk about what’s causing it. We’re just cars covered in bumper stickers and if you cut me off in traffic with a Trump sticker I’m gonna fucking rear end the hell out of you cuz you’re obviously a rapist nazi. Or you’ve got a Hilary sticker and obviously you’re a Communistic trust fund college kid going through a hippie phase and constantly refers to Marx despite never reading a word of the ‘Communist Manifesto’. 

The Kavanaugh (sp?) trial thing was so ugly. Obviously we have no culture and no grace or dignity. Because fuck that. Grace doesn’t get views. Dignity doesn’t get hits, baby. Where’s the juice?! Is he a pedophile rapist or is he a Saint? There’s no fucking nuance at all. We just want to crucify. It’s sad. We wanna get on TV and yell at each other and name call and tell people ‘here’s the news, two unqualified idiots yell at each other for a half hour. Okay! Here’s some weird prejudice way of looking at it! Which fucking side are you on? Satan or Jesus? Pepsi or Coke? Don’t worry! Tune in after the commercial and we’ll keep justifying your prejudices!’

I remember hearing on a radio station in Grand Theft Auto five, the DJ goes ‘tune in to WXYZ News, justifying your prejudices since 1992′ or whatever. It’s so outrageously true it hurts. Turn on any news station. We live in a capitalist society. Shit is run on money no matter what. So giant corporations pay people to tell you what’s going on. That’s so inherently insidious, right? They’re gonna pay people to tell you to keep voting a certain way and to keep buying iPhones and Nabisco. This is what freedom looks like! You get to pick what kind of Nabisco cookies you want! You have the freedom to be in debt to one of five banks! Ah how beautiful this country is! Look at the breathtaking skyline of Walmart, American Express, and McDonalds! How beautiful the homogeneity of capitalism all over this concrete nation and slowly but surely all over this planet! You get to choose which of these twelve (and ever decreasing towards a monopoly!) corporations you can work for! With the promise of a trophy wife and some kids you half-resent! Ugh, I hate it. I hate myself for getting caught up in this kind of angsty teenage energy. 

I believe we’re arguing about the wrong things. I don’t think humans are the enemy. I think the enemy is the same as it has always been. It’s the inhuman systems we create. These inhuman systems that put people in charge whether they’re qualified or not. Because it allows for the wrong people to attain to much power. And these people transform into something inhuman. Because it’s never one person. We like to put faces to it. We like to say Hitler did all that! Well, he did. But also a giant army of people did too. That system that was created to persecute and we fell in line. This is a we problem (please reference the Michael Jackson song ‘Man in the Mirror’). 

We’re fighting among ourselves while system continue to allow for evil to exist. The thing to destroy is the systems. Not us. Not your neighbor. Not that kind of racist guy you see at the gym. Not that weird girl telling you all white men are rapists. They’re scared. What I mean is we’re scared. And it’s because of the systems we created. It’s not the individuals. Even the weird lizard people news anchors aren’t the problem. They are a symptom of a much, much bigger problem. But it’s so easy to confuse us because we’re so tired and busy and our dad’s are dying and your uncle’s sick and your cousin’s in jail and you’re not getting enough hours at work and your boyfriend keeps texting Erica from work. So we get mad at these faces that some corporation props up on a screen to get money and ratings. And then we get mad at each other for not hating the same faces we do. 

I don’t know anything I’m talking about really but my guess is that the evil or rather the shit that is planned to keep us docile as a masses is hidden from us. Obviously that sounds conspiracy-ish. And it is i guess. 

But my point being stop hating your Dad because he thinks building a wall is a good idea. Stop hating your sister because she said maybe we shouldn’t punch Nazis in the face. Stop hating your neighbor because he’s afraid of Islam. Becuase we all feel a certain type a way because of the one of two news channels we choose to subscribe to. And the news has been telling us to hate each other since news was invented. Talk to your dad. Talk to your sister. Talk to your neighbor. Or don’t but understand that they’re just scared and don’t know what to do. We are all scared and exhausted and don’t know what to do. Maybe as a rule of thumb we should always try to find the humanity in what’s happening. Not try to find what problematic alliance you should join and then claim the other side is aligning themselves with Darth Vader. We don’t know what’s going on. We just create villains or heroes because of a headline a corporation paid to put in your brain. That’s gross. Let’s discuss what’s right not who’s right. Not this made up left vs. right, pepsi vs. coke, Red Sox vs. Yankees. We need to grow up and talk like adults. Me included. 

Political Rant Devolving into Self-hatred as Usual, Please Skip.

So mad at everybody. So mad at everybody for being so mad about everything. So mad at everybody for being so mad about everybody being so mad about everything. So mad at myself for being so mad at everybody for being so mad about everybody being so mad about everything. And so on for infinity.

The ‘Inception’ of feelings. Dumb. What a fun world we’ve created. Let’s hold everybody to Saint-like standards and tear them down as soon as somebody claims they farted or whatever. Dumb. We love it. We love to crucify others and talk shit because we hate ourselves and need to find a reason why we’re not surrounded by paparazzi and reporters. Let’s blame everybody but ourselves. Seems SO healthy. 

Every time we hear the word ‘sexism’ or ‘racism’ or ‘Hitler’ now we have extreme reactions without even hearing what these words are in the context of. That’s (what I hear, I’m a terrible lazy rumor spreader who hasn’t read a thing) happened in Nazi Germany. That’s (probably) what they did with the word ‘Jew’ and ‘Gay’ and every other category that’s not ‘pure’ or whatever. 

It’s this idea of pureness or moster-ness (monsterdom?). It’s this idea of what I call ‘extreme othering’. I’m going to use the word ‘Hitler’ a lot, with all self-awareness that that is also what Hitler did with the word ‘Hitler’ to make a point I guess. And me explaining this like this is pretty Manson-y of me, so think what you will ‘reader’ (aka me in the future maybe).

It feels like everybody is Hitlering each other because of ‘extreme othering’. This idea that you’re either Pepsi or Coke. This long, long time coming of the psychology of politics and sports and teams and identification with groups combined with the most technology than ever before results in this I guess. Feels like we’re at a point of ‘if you don’t believe what I believe go fuck yourself, you’re a piece of shit, you’re wrong, you’re a ‘monster’. Feels Hitlerish. Like replace the word monster with any previously persecuted group throughout history and it’s been said before at a Nazi rally. And now we’re saying it. We’re calling each other ‘Hitler’ when nobody is really being actual Hitler (I know this is debatable and obviously there’s some examples but millions of people haven’t died. Except for the war in Afghanistan or wherever the fuck that dumb War on Terrorism has ended up and nobody seems to remember we’re still there upholding... Freedom? I should do research obviously). So we’re throwing around this word and other words like (I’m sorry I’m going to mansplain which i understand is problematic) ‘rape’ or ‘hero’. It’s not going to mean anything when another Hitler shows up and starts really Hitlering. I don’t know. I’m all for jumping the gun on calling somebody Hitler. This results in the person having a harder time doing anything because it’s now through the lens of Hitler. 

I lost it. I don’t know what I’m talking about. 

I’m upset. I’m upset in a grumpy old man way. I’m twenty-six. I’m sad. I have no self-esteem and an ego that won’t quit. Why does everybody think they’re right about everything? Why isn’t anyone willing to admit they’re vulnerable? I’m probably wrong about this, because I’m lonely and still hang out mostly with people I’ve met in high school. What’s the deal with mumble rappers? What’s the deal with fidget spinners? What’s the deal with FortNite? 

My friend said everything is pornographized now. (pornographized doesn’t seem to be a real word but you know what I mean.)  And I couldn’t agree more. Subtlety is dying. If something isn’t immediately polarizing like that sixtynine rapper guy then it’s boring and we scroll to the next thing on Twitter, Reddit, Tumblr, 4chan, etc. Everybody wants to be famous. Everybody wants the views and the likes even if they have to buy bots to get those numbers. Even if you’re Jay-Z and you have to buy your own album enough times so it goes platinum. I get it. It should be a good thing right? In the 50′s there was like 20 bands. Now there’s a million bands and they all sound the same. There’s no regional individualism. Again, this should be a good thing. In some ways it is. I know about more bands and movies and TV shows then I’d ever imagined I would have before the internet. Now I can have super pretentious arguments with my friends about Minor Threat vs. Fugazi or David Lynch movies over drinks. 

Everybody is dreaming of how their Wikipedia page will read. How their obituary will read. I like that people are aware that their life is a story. I don’t know I’m a creative person. I fall into this ego trap too. I feel it. But it’s soul crushing to me. Not totally because i don’t have the view count of Kanye or the streaming numbers of Drake. But also because of how transparently desperate some people are. Honestly, desperation is usually sort of beautiful to me. When it’s in the name of love, or passion or obsession of something bigger than themselves. When it’s passion for the self to be a bigger, I turn off. I understand the desire. I want to be on a talk show being interview by Letterman too. But only as a side effect of having been a part of something bigger and more honest and more beautiful than I could ever be by myself. 

I want to be connected. But I’m scared. I’m scared I’m delusional and slowly devolving into a state of insanity. Melting into a bath of my own narcissism, self-pity, denial, whatever. 

Go fuck yourself me. Stop masturbating everything you touch to death. You’ve evolved from this fucking infuriated, indignant, violent child monster. He’s still controlling you. He’s still the camera through what you view yourself. You’ve moved that camera from others to yourself. You are in denial. Do something.

This is what I do to myself constantly to myself. They say writing is a good outlet. This doesn’t read all that healthy to me. I’m upset, dude. I don’t want to save the world. I want to be left alone. I want a small neighborhood of me and the homies and that’s it. We fucked up as a species. I’m as guilty as everybody else. I want out. 

This Better Not be the Beginning of Something

I’m using this Tumblr as a medium to write whatever I feel like and pretend like somebody’s reading. I don’t assume you are. I assume I am, later. Hello older me. You look handsome today. I’m writing here because I think I’ll write more thoughtfully. This is because I’m vain and maybe, maybe someone might take a glance at this. Probably noticing these are the ramblings of an egotistical explain-aholic without any writing lessons. 

Speaking of, I’m probably going to write with incorrect grammar because i don’t know the all of the rules of grammar.

Disclaimer over.

I go through long periods of not writing at all, and periods of writing often. Consistency is something I struggle with. I’ve been diagnosed bipolar. I was born a Gemini. I don’t know what that means to you right now, and I’m not sure what it means to me. 

I was possessed by anger today. Anger at another and also myself. The anger at the other was his inability to see what I see. However, I’ve never told him what I see. I play out these awkward arguments in my head. I write the dialogue for the both of us. I then create this scenario of a broken friendship that is beyond repair. Meanwhile, I haven’t said a word. 

I’m nervous about conflict. It makes me uncomfortable. It’s this weird sort of clash with my ego and anxiety. The conflict would arise because I’m telling someone that they’re doing something ‘wrong’. In reality, I want to help for the betterment of something greater than the both of us. That’s my ego talking there. I get it, I see it, but I still think I’m right. I am completely willing to admit I’m wrong though. Which is a trait I don’t find in many people. So I get anxious and think that my brilliant, planet-sized brain will spew these ideas that will shake the very core of the soul of this person. Their foundation will shake and collapse like the Twin Towers. (That’s a little flagrant of a simile, I understand that makes me the Terrorists in this metaphor, stay with me though). So I get anxious and say nothing. 

What I’m actually afraid of is power struggle. The tricky ins and outs of the power dynamics between two people. Not necessarily argument, but the post-argument if there isn’t a connection made. The passive aggressive remarks. The subconscious resentment slipping through ostensibly friendly conversation over drinks. I don’t like this part. I begin tailspinning emotionally very quickly. I’m a sensitive bitch. I don’t want to participate in these insecure mine fields. It’s exhausting and worthless. 

Again, I haven’t said a word to him. 

I’m twenty-six, unemployed, no college degree. I haven’t experienced anything outside my bubble of reality. So far, I haven’t met many people who are secure enough to admit they’re wrong. It took me years to realize the power of vulnerability. I’ve learned so much more since I somehow convinced my ego it’ll make me more powerful to be quick to admit mistakes. My perception is that it’s easier to grow and share ideas together with others this way. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy arguing. At the drop of a hat I will tell you that ‘Good Will Hunting’ is a dumb movie, even though I haven’t seen it in so long I can barely remember the plot. I understand I could be wrong. I do need to watch it again I suppose. I’ll tell you Snowpiercer is a dumb movie. I have good arguments for that one. Many times I’ve had these opinions and I realize later I was wrong and that band that was boring or that book that was pretentious wind up becoming some of my favorites. It’s fun. Being wrong and changing your mind because you realize you’re wrong is fun to me. It’s like little measurements of growth. Of change. God, I wish I had more proof that I’m changing. Am I changing at all? Please God tell me I’m capable of change.

I’m tailspinning. I need to get out of here. New goal: read a little bit of ‘The Prophet’ by Kahlil Gibran every morning. It’s the only poetry book that matters.