Happy Endometriosis Awareness month ! If you follow my journey please help me raise funds to assist a warrior with Lupron treatments for endometriosis. Cash app : $SheSpeaksSpanish

I’m Endo Strong! 💛💪🏽🎗🎗

Life after endometriosis .... or is there really?

More mad than anything.

Surgery was August. I’ve gone through more ups and downs not pertaining to the endometriosis since the surgery than it pertaining to recovery.

How exciting was it to be Endo free! Gleaming with pride over my post surgery photos to show NO trace of the endometriosis. Hallelujah! It was like Christmas!

I haven’t been in pain from the Endo in at least 90 days. Didn’t need medicine. Didn’t need to carry my overnight bag everywhere even if it wasn’t overnight. Wasn’t shrieking in pain because the Lupron had me so down or even my incisions hadn’t given me any issues.

Until today.

I had one post surgery scare, but it turns out it was just the last of post op. Of course my cycles returned (well one) and it was fairly normal. Then there was cycle number 2. Id definitely grade it a high D... potential to grow. Ya know?

I can’t complain about the cycle, but i can be disappointed in the instance. It feels the same like it used to. Bad pain. Heavy bleeding. Tears. Misunderstanding.

The worst part of it all is still nobody gets it!

Unless there’s a uterus, crumpled like a scrap sheet of notebook paper on the floor of a rowdy high school classroom...nobody will get it. Ever.

It’s disappointing to “relapse” in a sense or to emotionally not have it together in that moment. It’s scary! Is this really life as it seems?

Well, it seems like it. No matter how clear a picture.. Endo is apart of me. Something i wish to never pass down to my future daughter, something I’m not proud to have, but proud to be able to be a fighter (even through the tears) through, something that’ll never go away.

This may just be an instance. Maybe even a coincidence (been slacking on my writing) to keep pushing even when it seems better and to keep inspiring because someone hasn’t made it to my destination in the endo whirlwind yet... this instance whatever the reason snapped me back. This is life ! Don’t ever stop your inspiration if only for a split second.

Keep fighting my loves... your never ending battle will end if only for a moment even when it seems like never.

Just keep swimming !

Right when I was about to give up! Dammit! I'm having surgery. No one really cares girl, it's number three already. As I'm getting closer to my fate, my emotions got crazier. I had set in my mind, oh well. I knew this was coming. Again. I didn't think my words were reaching. I didn't think there was a care in the world. Everyone was tired of hearing about my broken vagina. Each blog, I'd write with a sigh. With a dark cloud. I'd try to talk myself out of it ! Then there was light. After having to talk myself into sharing still. Being transparent. Recording my videos. Violating my doctors HIPAA violations and their privacy by asking , "hey can you take a pic with me?, it's for my blog" .. -in the middle of their consultation with me- Letting a world of strangers into my life it happened. I had an emotional Endo breakdown at one point. Then I bossed back up. Then I chickened out again. I was so all over the place. I told myself, Warrior, you have to keep writing. Keep sharing. Keep being open. Someone somewhere will hear you. My blogs got real dark at one point. I was sad. I was hurting. I was in pain. Wait, I'm still in pain. Jeez. But just saying. Just because I had one good day filled with Snapchat stories does not mean I wasn't struggling. My live videos got harder. The information got more personal. I believed it got more boring. It was too real. Too much. My Endo couldn't compare with the riots and solar eclipse glasses sales *deep face palm* Everyone wants fame and fortune. Not me. I felt I was fading into the shadows. I just wanted support and significance. To help. To heal. To be someone else's voice. To connect. It happened. My journey is important. My journey is helping. Of course I'm not a professional blogger. Idk how this is supposed to be. What guidelines I have to follow. I'm not doing this to be forwarded to Ellen. I want to do this to be fast forwarded to healing. I am someone's voice. I am someone's healing. I am someone's support. That is healing enough. No not physically, but it's real. Real life from a real person with a real problem. All it takes is one. One person who cares. I will tell the good, wait the bad (there is nothing good about Endo), the worse , and the horrible about this. I will hug you when you cry. Some of which may have to be virtually, but I got you. I will tell you to hold your head high (which does apply to holding your head high when the regurgitation of that meal you know you weren't supposed to have happens cause you know you don't want that new hair do to touch that toilet seat *yuck*) when you feel no one is in your corner. It is. Warriors we can do this. It's time out for being silent. SAY IT LOUD, I DEAL WITH & FIGHT ENDO, I HAVE A REASON TO BE PROUD! Seriously, if you have Endo I'm convinced you can kick anyone's ass. I'm invincible!

Shift Change

It's tough emotionally when you're dealing with something chronic. The levels of emotion you have are whirlwinded like a tornado. You get sad because those you expect and want to understand don't and won't. Everyone is concerned about self &then there's you who tries to spread positivity and support and encouragement to anyone who needs it any way you know how. No one calls, no one texts, no one invites you out, no one nothing. Once you're left in the dark and no one cares about you and you've cried what tears you think you have left.... You get strong, independent, angry and isolated and you tell yourself, "I CAN DO THIS ALONE! I WILL MAKE MYSELF BETTER!" When really you can't. You need someone, something, somewhere. It seems you're alone, but you aren't. The realization comes that there's God & all his mighty powers. He doesn't want you to look for support in man everytime. He longs for you to look to Him and He will give all the comfort you need. He will change your mind, He will change your heart. The support will come. The understanding will change. The community will grow. Your rainbow will show. You exhale & smile. Keep fighting warriors. Put up a good one. #endowarrior #endometriosis #ifightlikeagirl #womenwithendometriosis #endometriosisawareness #endoenspires #endtheendo #endo #endocommunity #iamoneinten

Date night with Endometriosis...calming of the storm💛💪🏽🌻🎗🤞🏽(the toy pirate ship is just an added bonus)

Feelings in the air, minus the Happy

For the last working shift (8hours), anxiety and doubt have taken over my mind + body ...... Endometriosis is just cramps they say, endometriosis is just a period they say, endometriosis is nothing to get all bent out of shape about they say, Endometriosis is just for a second, cry it out and you'll be ok they say. ...... They don't say that this is the part experts don't have the answers to. Nor that everyone will judge your tears because you can't explain. They don't say that you will feel like you just simply can't. You'll lose yourself. You will feel crazy. You will feel doubt. You will feel misunderstood. You will breakdown. ...... Support someone today. This day may be their breakdown. Hug them and hold them. That may be their cure. Be compassionate. Be kind. Be nonjudgmental. That may be the moment their breakdown becomes their breakthrough. ...... Keep fighting warriors. You'll get back up. After all, that's what a battle is all about. The white flag will be waved. I fight Endo like a girl. 🤞🏽🎗💪🏽💛🌻 #endowarrior #endometriosisawareness #womenwithendometriosis #endoenspires #endtheendo #iamoneinten #endometriosiscommunity #endoblog #ifightlikeagirl #support #awareness

Please help as I undergo surgery number three for Endometriosis *sad* this was a tough pill to swallow!

SONflowers

The biggest negative about endometriosis is your energy ! I have NONE! It has to be the biggest negative sign before the word I've ever seen. I'm tired. You thought from the title of this post I wouldn't be ragingly ranting huh? Ha! Gotcha ! To make matters even worse in the energy department, my four year old started school. Now, I thought because I was off work due to the Endo, id be a bit more energetic. Wrong. I never sleep. Even with the help of sleep aids, having to take pain meds, and overall being on a sleepless night binge of about 27 hours... still. No sleep. Endometriosis had afforded me some good days though lately ! I was up. Moving around. Wearing yellow. Doing things I liked to do that I always did before (nails, pedicures, out and about). Taking pictures *hey girl hey* then all of a sudden the week my kid starts school I'm back low on E. Let me tell y'all. It's wearing me OUT! The process in the mornings! So imagine me throwing a job back into the mix. I know last night I went to bed at 9. My kid was in pjs at 6:20! Getting up to get him ready and then myself to be presentable enough to sign him in is torture. I was so excited about him starting school. Now I'm like Jesus how many absences before the truancy officer shows up ? +thinks long and hard+ and picking him up! It's like once you drop them off in the blink of an eye he's back in the backseat =face palm= Between being a mom and the Endo, it's such a drag. Blah. My little son flower though knows no wrong or weary yet so he politely turns around and finds something to do when I'm screaming LEAVE ME ALONE because I've finally closed my eyes and was about to be able to sleep and he comes in like a raving banshee... I feel bad and summon him back into my dungeon and at least hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him before he forgets I was just screaming. In his eyes no matter what I'm the best mom ever. THATS where my energy comes from. To do it all over again the next day. Those glossy, beady eyes with the magical eyelashes. Love you kid. I owe him more. The Endo owes me more. Us more. Matter of fact ALL of the time it's taken from my life, I need that back. Luckily it's only the third day of school so I have time to redeem myself with the kid. It took a lot of energy to write this by the way. And I'll just end it here before it turns into a weeping diary.

Live chat tomorrow about my visit with the endometriosis specialist! Join my fb live page Marisha S Scott for more! See you tomorrow

Real photos 😔

I'm telling Daddy!

I'm a daddy's girl. Literally. If my dad said come on ! Let's go jump off a cliff. I'm going. I know. You can shake your head now. My dad has always been my pride and joy. Now don't get me wrong, mom is my favorite girl. And I don't play about homegirl either, but it's just something about a girl and her dad. It's always been hard to talk to a guy let alone my daddy about periods and "girl stuff". He knew I had to have surgery and he knew I had something going on, but just like being hysterical about my mom telling him I started my first period ... telling him how severe my Endo is, it's just as hysterical. I was pondering on when and how I'd tell him because one I didn't want him to know really, he's almost 80 years old and I just don't want to stress him out any more than the old age already is. Plus, I know the question will stand "well what about work?" My dad is a hardworking man. He's worked since he was about 12 and provides a good life for his children. Even at our ages. He's instilled these principles in his children with the expectation of us all being hard-workers too. He's a proud man. And the last thing, me, his daughter would want to do is disappoint him because of my condition. Today, I mustered up the courage. Through this process I've been so transparent and open and I knew in order to get through this my whole support system had to know. Why hold this back from my daddy? MY daddy? I didn't know how he'd take it. I somewhat wished I'd get the voicemail. It rings. Helloooo - in that cool, calm voice Oh no! Here we go! And the words start to spill. I won't dialogue the whole conversation to save your eyes and curiosity. All in all, I'm relieved. Even though I had to pronounce endometriosis by all its syllables and almost spell it out, we got through it. I'm relieved that he knows and of course, worried about his baby girl. I explained exactly what it is, how long I've had it, why I have to go back and forth to these doctors, and most of all... why I'm not at work. Knowing my daddy I thought for sure he'd ask what my bank account was looking like. To my surprise not once was that the topic of conversation. Me, I was. At almost 80 years old his world stopped when he heard words like "oncologist", "ovarian cancer", "surgery", "tumor"..... My dad didn't deserve to be in the dark about what's going on anymore. Every time he'd call and ask me how was I doing, I'd always reply.."I'm doing okay!" Not wanting to really say I felt like my insides were being plowed by his ride along lawn mower. It was time. Time to be real with one of the most important people in my corner. To have his support. There you have it. I told daddy! Another stepping stone stepped on in my journey with this! And guess what! I have his support. Although there was a slight crack in his voice and a hard swallow, he's there every step of the way in my life. He'll be over to check on me, watch probably at 8 am since he gets up at 5 everyday. (Retiree life). I know for sure he got his wife to google.. FINtroDmimosis <<----that's what he called it .. to get him familiar with what's about to have to happen along this journey with me. For that reason, I'm always gonna be a daddy's girl. If the FINtroDmimosis takes me out before my daddy... I'd be content with that ! **phew--glad that cats out the bag**

STILL....

That's what you get everyday when you.... Everyday won't be a good blogging day. Most days, lately, I'm struggling to find my place in wherever. I normally have some sort of structure to my blogs. Which kinda defeats the blogging purpose. They are centered around an event going on in my world of Endo or a medical update or a certain emotion. This one. None of the above. Being off of work to finish my treatment has got to be one of the worst feelings. I feel, most days when I wake up (after a restless night) and the sun is shining, that I've failed yet again. Everyone expects ME (of all people) to have it together. I don't. I'm not in control over my life right now. Seemingly. I'm off my routine. I don't know how to just BE. I don't have anyone to fight this battle for me, but myself & God. I'm going through this, everyday, walking in this still place, hand-in-hand with Him. Just us. Most of these things I'm conquering daily, I've NEVER had to deal with EVER! It's scary, nerve wrecking, sad! I'm the weepiest I've been in my whole life. Everyday I'm like ok what do I do now? Where can I go? My mind constantly runs a mile a minute. Then it hits me. Like today, just be. It is indeed O.K. It is okay to be still in my own space. To rest. To pray. To write. TO. BE. STILL. Since June 26 I've been trying to find my peace. I felt guilty for taking time out for me. To be better. Healthier. It's been eating me up. Until someone very important to me told me, this is your storm, you have no choice but to lean on Him. He's breaking you down to build you up. You have to trust that HE is your saving grace. I've thought all day about where I can find my peace. While thinking I got the urge to get up, take a hot shower, put my headphones on, sit in my favorite corner chair, write and in that, I heard Him say : "Peace, be STILL".

Danger Zone

This is dedicated to everyone in the world who has said something sensitive to someone dealing with a condition without even trying to.

When a person deals with a condition, that condition is sensitive. It’s a touchy subject. A sure way to get your head chopped off is engaging in a conversation -that was probably hard enough for the person to build up the courage to begin anyways- and then you go and step on their toes by offering your medical opinion. It’s kind of like telling a cardiology patient, “Hey idk why you use a pacemaker. All that aluminum and metal in your body will kill ya.”

Most women with endometriosis or some type of reproductive issue have had to or take hormone medications. Whether it’s now or in the past, the hormone balance is off. I’m not gone say women are crazy so I’ll just compare it a pregnant woman all the time. They can cry at any moment because the sky is blue. Or they can snap the asparagus they were about to delightfully cook for a nice romantic dinner in half because their husband called them fat by using the pet name cupcake (cupcakes are fluffy). We use medication. That’s just that. We have to take hormone balancers, pain medications, sometimes anxiety and sleep meds, injections (and I don’t mean the lovely sinus cocktail), vitamins, iron… still to be up at 3/5/7 am wishing upon a star because we can’t sleep. We take a lot of crap (medicine and people wise).

As for me and my hormones. I take Lupron Depot. I’ve tried just about every medication I can to help with this and this is the last resort. How it was explained to me, because I needed to stop the bleeding –since Endometriosis occurs when you menstruate–, Lupron would put me into a menopausal state so I wouldn’t bleed anymore and the endometriosis would stop harboring on my internal organs. Yaaayyyy! *in pain face*

Lupron is a hormonal treatment that is used in women with endometriosis, have fibroid tumors, or patients that have prostate cancer or cancer. It’s a monthly or 3mo shot patients can get and let me tell you… proceed with caution ! It’s radiating all of your cysts and tumors and eliminating bleeding all together. Imagine how strong that is ! Hulk smash! Literally.

They don’t like to give Lupron (depending on your diagnosis) longer than 6 mos and only like to do repeat treatment once. It’s that annoying. The side effects are especially heinous -law and order svu intro voice- and cause a whirlwind of emotions. For real!

I’ve had more than one person say to me, “I’m over the Lupron”. Y'all when I say when I hear this I’m in between an ugly cry and bursting into flames. That’s basically saying, “I’m over you”. It’s true though ! Which this is something I struggle with daily to not let it get the best of me. Until they understand some comments are just better left unsaid and think before they speak, will others know you can’t just say anything, even if you mean no harm. <<–sure that’ll happen even though we’ve been practicing that for 2017 years now. We know that you don’t. You all don’t know that for us though. So it’s a struggle. My intial response (I never say) is, “do you think I’m taking this because I want to” ? No. I just deep sigh and proceed to try to explain it and then I just stop and let the reality sink in, this is hard. Others won’t be compassionate always to your sympathies. We have to remember that. Until someone goes through something remotely similar, they can’t understand. You have to be the one to take the, we’ll call it “constructive critiscm” because everyone knows what’s best for YOU, and roll with the punches.

If you’re in the middle of a treatment like me, there’s no turning back at this point. Finish strong. Everybody has an opinion. We can’t stop them from giving it or how they dish it out. We can however, stop how we react. Easier said than done. We have to remember, if they aren’t going through it you can’t bring them to it - to understand that is.

If you don’t like you, why should other people? And if you think “that was harsh” after you say it, it is. It’s a revolving door.

Double Negatives

Emotions are high in the endometriosis house.

I’ve been struggling to write for two days now. In between pain and fatigue, I can’t seem to get anything out. I’ve been fighting against the “mood” about 48-72 hours.

Everything and everybody gets on your nerves. Everything is a sensitive subject. Everything is emotional.

It’s like a toddler meltdown just because you tell them they are having their favorite pb&j for lunch. One minute you are fine. And the next minute it’s rained on your parade.

Emotions of endometriosis cause serious repercussions. Everyone thinks you are negativity. It’s the “mood” that gives off that vibe even when you are fighting so hard unbeknownst to them on the inside that’s bringing that dark cloud. You constantly are battling two of lesser evils or baby devils on each of your shoulders, the negative connotation, and the “mood”. “I can’t let the ‘mood’ win”, and it happens everytime. That’s still a loss. Here you are, defeated. Again. Only because you’re fighting the double negative.

It takes a lot to accept the fact that others are simply going to see you for what they see on the outside first. Your “mood”. One of your lesser evils. Here comes the meltdown. All odds are against you already because you want so bad to not be seen as negative Nancy, but with Endometriosis emotions, you simply can’t fake the funk. It’s negative ! The odds are never in your favor.

The emotional rollercoaster comes because your feelings get hurt. You’re not that person, but you feel like you don’t owe anyone an explanation for you. You’re tired of trying to prove everyday I can do this, I can be positive, I’m not emotional. You want so bad to just be able to live in the fact that you are not okay. At least for one minute without the judgement, dirty looks or awkward vibes. Convincing yourself it’s ok to not be okay for one second is a guilt trip that has a heavy gas bill. Stop going down that guilty road and just fight the feeling. Let it ride. <<< Everyday conversation with yourself. It’s hard you say because the condition has become you. Or me rather …

At the end of the day you just want acceptance. You just want to be and feel normal again. Without the emotions. You want to be able to get through a day with no meltdowns and everyone is pleased with you as a person before it rains. Don’t gas up and go down guilty lane for feeling how you feel. Gas up for the ride to feel ….

You will feel like you can do this. Then they will feel it too. You’ll fight that double negative. Of course. Me too.

Nerve-US-much

On Wednesday’s we wear attitudes. **sad face**

At any given moment with Endometriosis your sunny skies can immediately turn grey. –I know it’s two spellings for the color, but the -ey- seems more eerie to match the feeling. Carrying on. It’s once again one of our many daily struggles. I hear so much, “why you got an attitude?” Or “what’s wrong with you? Why your face looking like that?” Excuse me for having to put on a smile while a seemingly small tumor that’s actually equivalent to the Bergen from Trolls tap dancing to his favorite tune on my pelvic bone and using the platform of my vagina as his grand stage has just finished his grand finale and the crowd is asking for an eennccoorreee ! Ta dahhhh, that shit hurts ! My face is exemplifying a child who’s parent forced them to say their Easter speech in spite of that being their first time before God. That’s why I’m looking like that ! **cheese**

Women with endometriosis don’t have attitude problems. We have an attitude that we have to fight the problematic feeling of the attitude more times than none to not have one.

Let’s talk about anxiety and depression. Touchy subject ennhh. Just because you feel these feelings doesn’t mean your mental health is plummeting to no return. It means you have a heart. I was embarrassed to say I felt depressed or anxious because that opens a whole other can of worms with people and their opinions. Now, I don’t care. **heyyyyyy small mountain climbed and conquered**

Most women with endometriosis have a small or big brain space that triggers the emotion. Most of the time we feel “depressed” because of the severity of the pain we are experiencing and literally it can’t be seen with the human eye so it’s hard to get others to understand. Having to constantly try to explain why and where you’re hurting is ANNOYING. Then here comes the “attitude”. I can just speak out loud and say, “my bone is hurting”. I’ll get a reply like “your BONE” ?! Uh yes, stop playing like you don’t know daily I express SOMETHING on my body is hurting. Most of the time, my pelvic bone. Here we go with the “attitude” again. That’s depressing. The anxiety comes from fear or nervousness that no I absolutely can not do this today. Being scared to actually give in to the feeling of today I will stay in bed and rest. It’s not ideal nor adultly possible but Endometriosis makes the rules and we are pawns in this game. We have to go to work, we have to raise our kids, we have to smile, we have to work out, we have to oblige to our husband or partners sexual needs, we just do. All of while we still have to have endometriosis. Most days for me, I just pull the covers back over my head and say I can not adult today. And in adult life, that’s the unforgivable curse. (So I throw the covers back and say just kidding girl get ready for work lol)

This trickles over to the next touchy subject, “you didn’t go to work today?” OH MY GAAWWDDDDDD. This is the number one question that burns a hole through the soul. As if we don’t already need a little extra understanding, we don’t need the job police policing our PTO, vacation time, or DDA deposits. Of course we have to go to work to make a living, but citizens of America, please let that question die. Obviously if we are texting or calling in between the hours of 6a-6pm (blue collar working hours) or you randomly ride by (cause you supposed to be at work yourself) and see our car in the driveway, we are not at work. We can’t help it. And I say WE for ALL of us who want to say it or have wanted to say that to someone. There. I got it out. **hey another small mountain climbed and conquered**. I used to make excuses up about why I wasn’t at work that day when someone would ask me because I had anxiety about what others would think. Money does make the world go round, but it doesn’t make the endometriosis ease up of your golden pelvic area. And to be honest, it’s nobody’s business about your paycheck.

We are emotional beings as women in general. Adding endometriosis to the mix turns that up even more. It affects relationships greatly. With family, marriages, courtships, even friendships. Some questions and comments will send a woman (in general once again) and women with endometriosis into literal turmoil. Literally. No seriously.

Now ! That isn’t an excuse or rational reason to go around being all rude and beechy to everyone in your path destroying the world like Tasmanian devil! Just don’t be afraid to express it. The more it’s expressed, the more people will respect your feelings. We get scared to admit and acknowledge and then agree to disagree, but it’s healthy. Scream, cry, holler, temper tantrum throw. But don’t be afraid to acknowledge and apologize. It’s a part of the process. Know people will push your buttons. Sometimes on purpose. Most times not consciously. It is OKAY to feel how you feel. You aren’t crazy or mean, or have an attitude problem. You have a problem, in which everyday you are working and praying against. Emotions are healthy. Go you, you aren’t a Scrooge!

Like the song says, Sunny days everybody loves them Tell me baby CAN YOU STAND THE RAIN?

Join the live chat ! 7 pm ! Fb page Marisha S Scott 💛come learn, share & support! 🎗