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mariisntreal · 2 months

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I can’t escape the feeling that I’m not smart enough. There’s more to learn, more to know, and I know nothing. I’m not a philosophy student who spends her birthday writing. I’m not an English lit student who reads every minute of the day. I barely know how to pronounce municipality (apparently, I can barely spell it either). I am a poser at heart. I listen to jazz and pretend I know everything. I answer questions with false confidence and accept the undeserved praise with open arms. But I know nothing, and I am nothing. I add documentaries and courses to my to do list, but they sit there collecting dust. If I really craved knowledge, I’d have it. But I am a poser at heart. Do I want to seem smart but not actually be smart? Is that what it is? At night I lay down and obsess over my behaviour during the day

Did I say the right things? The smart things? I dissect everything I did and said until there’s nothing left and I go to bed feeling dumber than I did when I woke up.

I read books with a dictionary by my side because of the number of words I don’t understand and have to look up. I use a dictionary instead of just googling the words on my phone because I’m a snobby, pretentious dick who wants to appear smarter.

I have no socials, and while it’s better for my mental health, I secretly crave the surprise on peoples face when I tell them that.

“Wow, I could never! I love posting on Instagram”

I know, that’s what makes me so much better than you. I don’t waste my time on rubbish like that. I spend my time writing and reading because I’m sooooo much smarter. Except I’m not better nor smarter. I don’t even know if my use of nor in the previous sentence was correct.

But I speak two languages! Surely that makes me a bit smarter than the average person?

No, that’s not impressive, it would be slightly impressive if I spoke 3 or more, but who am I impressing exactly with two languages? My mother who laughs at my occasional pronunciation and spelling mistakes? Or my friends with the thick British and American accents who giggle when I let my Arab tongue slip.

I know I’m a snob, I know I can be an asshole, but I need to fill this desire to be the smartest person in the room, the most impressive, the most interesting. I know nothing, I know nothing, I know nothing.

It will drive me insane.

Why can’t I know things? Like who painted that crappy old painting that’s hung in that crappy old museum. What was the technique used and what the artist wanted us to know. I don’t even have a favourite painting; my favourite movie is toy story and I have a regular degree in psych (a real smart person would have an honours degree). I’m 22 with no job and no great accomplishments. What gives me the right to demand knowledge when I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it.

I study the flags and states in hopes that somebody will ask me to name them, and I’ll have my moment to shine. I read the news and look up interesting articles in hopes that I’ll get to tell someone about it and impress them.

“Oh no I actually read an article; I don’t get my news from social media like other people”

What a piece of shit.

It kills me, it hurts me that I don’t know. What am I then? What am I if not an intelligent, charming, and interesting woman? I’m nothing but a fraud, nothing but a poser. There’s nothing inside me but a tangled-up mess of different desires I’ve had in my life that have never been satisfied.

I feel so small. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t think I’ll change. My worth is defined by my knowledge and smarts. By grades and praise. But maybe I’m not cut out to be a smart person. Maybe smart people don’t behave this way, smart people are just smart. They don’t act, they just are. Me on the other hand, I’ve been acting since I was young.

But I do really want to know everything. I want to see and experience everything. I want to be wise for my sake as well! Not just for others. I realize there’s a problem in me, I know something is wrong with me. I need so much approval and validation. Boo hoo. Everyone does.

I need to become everything.

I want to swallow the entire world. I want to become the universe. I want to be God.

Even as I write this (supposedly for myself) I imagine you, the reader, and how you’d react to it. Would you maybe highlight something and always remember it? Or would you look away unimpressed and call my work rubbish. How lame…

But I’ll try to not care, I promise I’ll try. I’ll try (and fail) to ignore the voice inside me that craves your admiration. You. Person I’ve never met. Do you think I’m smart?

#personal essay #writing #essay #journal

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