You Did Exist, Especially in My Heart

For years I been terrified to get pregnant. I always told people it wasn’t my fear of actually being a mom; it was fear of labor and the pain itself. But deep down in my heart I knew the real reason. And yesterday my biggest fear came true. I feared either I wouldn’t be able to conceive at all or I would have a miscarriage. And I did.

At the beginning of this year we decided to start trying. We both realized that although you are never really “prepared” to have a child; in our hearts we knew this was our time. First  two months it didn’t happen but they say on average couples conceive 6-12 months of trying. This third month, I thought it wasn’t going to happen and even though we were trying, I wanted to go out and have fun and not worry about it. Then I was a week late but decided I’ll wait until I’m 2 weeks late. However, I got invited to a music festival and I wanted to drink. I mean- “free food and all you can drink”? I can’t say no to that. But I did say no because the test confirmed it. I was in shock and couldn’t believe it. Javier was crying and over the moon. The next day I took another test and there it was again. In big fat bold letters “pregnant.” And that’s when it hit me. I was overwhelmed with emotion that I started downloading apps and bought 2 of my list of 10 books. Everything I read said I was 6 weeks in and it was forming fast inside of me. I had the symptoms and I had extreme fatigue but already the love and excitement was bigger than my heart. In that weekend I had so much love and already such a strong bond. I started talking to my Little Nugget. I was introducing myself so the kid could start getting used to this crazy mother. Javier wanted to tell the world but I told him “no, we have to wait after the first trimester in case something bad happens.” He said: “nothing’s going to happen.” To my shock and surprise, I felt this calmness and I wanted everything around me to be peace and positivism. For a hot-tempered, impatient and cynic like me- I decided that no matter what is going on around me and in this messed up world, this Little Nugget was going to be surrounded by love and positivism. This Nugget was becoming my world at a fast and furious rate.

I went to my Gyno for a blood test. First time ever getting one but I was prepared for what was the start of a 9-month process. The whole day I had a few cramps but thought it was normal. Went to the gym and saw spotting, again normal. Got home and there it was. A lot of bleeding. Javier tried to calm me down and he said all would be fine and we would take another test the next day. Of course I couldn’t wait so I took it confirming what my heart feared the most. I was no longer pregnant and not only did I now have my period but I was losing what could have been my child. 

I know I have to be positive and this is a bump in the road before I have another belly bump. I know it in my heart that I will conceive. I know we will have our little family. My heart is full of hope but also of devastation. In this short but wonderful weekend, I had already so much love and had formed a bond that is unexplained. I’m ready to start trying again. But I have fear it will happen again. But I won’t allow this fear to stop me. I was a mom. A short period of time. But I was. And I will be. Maybe this little one was making way for the next one. I can feel it. Although I can’t stop this flow of tears and my heart is heavy with pain- at the same time, my heart is so hopeful.

I know this is normal and it happens but why me. I know this is a normal emotion to have. But why do things have to be so difficult for me. Is it so I value them even more. I do value. And I admit, I am upset with God. I had prayed everything would be OK and that it wouldn’t happen. Did he not listen to me? Can’t I just be angry? I won’t be angry for a long time- maybe just today. But my heart also knows that God will watch over us and things will be fine. I need ice cream and sleep. Thank you Little Nugget. For a brief moment I was so happy and I know that happiness will happen again. You will bless us because the next Nugget is coming. But no matter what, I will always love you.

My Last Day of being 29

 Today is the last day of my 20’s and I am an emotional wreck. Over the last few weeks I been having internal mini-meltdowns and I feel like this boiling pot could explode at any second now. Why am I so emotional? It’s not just about me turning 30; it goes deeper than that.

To start- where did the time go? In the blink of an eye- a whole decade has vanished in what seems a matter of seconds. As I sit and reflect, I been extremely hard on myself and I feel I haven’t accomplished as much but in reality I’ve done more than I could have imagined.

My 20’s has been a roller coaster. I did the crazy, drinking, partying, clubbing-thing. Which I now look back on with nostalgia and can’t help but laugh at all those dumb drunken stories. I also found love- something I truly always felt I didn’t deserve. My first boyfriend was emotionally abusive and at that time, I believed that’s what my life will be and that’s what I deserve. Be in a submissive relationship, get married, have a bunch of kids and obey my husband. Why did I have such low standards? I honestly don’t know. I never felt I deserved the moon. I thougth-“you’re not pretty enough and let’s face it, you don’t want to end up alone; so this is it.” After such turmoil and leaving my parents’ home, I finally got out of that relationship but ended up dating and desperately seeking “the one.” After no such luck- I fell into a deep depression which no one knew about nor did I admit to myself. The solution- heavy drinking and working like crazy. So cliché but when you least expect it- boom you fall intensely in love and I found the one. Not only did my husband save me from myself, he taught me what real love is. Now I madly in love to the god-honest truth that I can’t live without him.

My husband is my life. I can’t do anything without him; literally. I want to obbssessivly be with him (in a safe way I promise); I want to see the world with him and go through this thing we call life with him and only him. I don’t think he understands how much I thank him for loving me. Everyone will say it but honestly- I do have the best husband in the world.

In my 20’s I also learned about friendship- a very exhausting topic. Growing up I was not the popular girl; I was actually bullied my entire life, only back then the word “bully” was non-exsistent. I wanted so bad to have friends and no matter what I did, it never worked. In highschool I made one friend and boom I hit the jackpot. But as we started our 20s-we had a fall out. I moved on to college and for the first time ever I had friends and was “the popular” girl that everyone wanted to be around. I met all types of individuals from all types of backgrounds. I had the school friends, the partying friends, the work friends and the real true friends. I had ups and downs and different connections but it’s two special women that have made the most impact on me. One is Martha-where to begin J We went from drinking a whole bottle of wine on a Monday night, ignoring our studies, partying ‘till the sun came up, to crying our eyes off, to disitencing ourselves emotionally and physically to reconnecting in a beautiful way. She knows I have a tough exterior but this girl means everything to me. We are so different- yet for some weird reason she gets me. She’s always there when I least expect it and she always ends up showing me her friendship when I need it the most-without even knowing it.

The other amazing woman is Emelina. This girl who was a friend of a friend has become the sister I never had. Besides my viejo- she is the one person I can be 100% raw and honest with. The one I cry to and laugh with. She never-ever judges nor critics nor yells at me- nothing. She says nothing nor does nothing yet does everything and says everything. It is weird but this connection we have is beautiful and she doesn’t understand how much I genuienly appreciate her.

Moving on to my family- lord give me patience, literally. This whole “family before anything, family comes first�� has never applied to me. My parents and I have a tough relationship. I’ve had so much resentment towards them and unconsciously blamed them for everything that’s wrong with me but never gave them credit for what’s right with me. They are not horrible people, they are just not affectionate nor supportive and they give tough love. But now that I am an adult- I’ve let go of the past. I heard Wendy Williams say that parents do the best they can but regardless, you can no longer blame them. At some point you have to grow up and realize that as an adult, it’s all on you. Yes, your parents did this, said that, but it’s up to you to move forward and become the person you want to be. Which is what I am doing. They are not affectionate, ok that means I will be. They are not supportive, ok instead of yelling and getting mad, I need to choose my words and help them understand. I also have to give them time and let them come around on their own time. Meaning, little by little my parents have changed. I also need to understand my parents come from a different generation and time, no education and tough situations. Now I can appreciate my parents working non-stop 2-3 jobs to make ends-meet. Now I can appreciate them not being around because they had to work their ass off in a country where they don’t speak the language and have to work jobs like janitorial work and dishwasher at restaurants. Now I can understand they had no time for lovey-dovey conversations nor hugs and kisses because they were too overwhelmed, over worked, under-appreciated, not recognized nor valued, too stressed to pay this damn mortgage to have a home in this so called “American dream.” Now I understand everything, all I need is patience to remind myelf not to loose my temper- especially considering they are both hot-headed like me.

Moving on to the one thing that has me freaking out and emotionally eating or barely eating, sometimes I can’t decide. My career. L I always wanted to be an entertainment reporter and then have my own talk show. I wanted to be like Wendy Williams with my radio talk show and then TV show. Talking about celebrity gossip. In college I had a taste of it but quickly realized that shit was not gonna work. This whole you can make your dreams come true and even be president if you really want to is a load of crap. First of all, in the Mexican market as I imagine it’s probably the same in general market, is a dog-eat-dog world. Unfortanelty, for women you have to look a certain way and act a certain way to get noticed. Men dominate this world and it’s actually a dirty world that I no longer want to be a part of and it is not worth it. I am not willing to loose my self-dignity and pride over it. So I decided, well scratch that, now I want to do public relations and represent artists. I moved to NYC, got a Masters’ degree, interned at agencies and quickly realized, not only does it not really pay the bills but it’s not as glamorous as I had imagined. PR is a lot of writing (which I enjoy but about my own life and thoughts) and it’s a very corporate world. I then ended up in media buying which was fun at first. Learning all about the TV world and marketing, advertising, PR but sadly realizing it’s a tedious, borring, and unpleasant world where the only thing that matters is those dollar signs and those ratings. Basically all my passions and career-interests have gone away. I’ve worked so hard for them and once I saw all the behind-the-scenes action, realized this is not for me. I made it but in a way I didn’t. I went after it, started to accomplish it, hit all those bumps on the road, had those highs and lows and as I approach the “goal” abruptly stopped and realized “oh shit” this is so not what I want. I saw the mountain, went after that mountain, climbed it, got to the top, realized there’s other mountains, went after those and along the road which make numerous turns, then realized, “um yea, this is not what I want anymore.”

Now here I am. Where do I go now? What do I do now? The most annoying question is, what do you want to do now? The insane answer: no clue. All my 20’s I was driven and worked hard. I outlined a plan and had back-ups. I had obstacles and over-came them. Goal oreinted and determined. Extremely hard on myself, high standards and zero tolerance for failures. Now I have no plan, no idea what my goals or dreams are, no idea what passions to pursue if any and no idea what career path to take. This is killing me. Always been someone with a plan and not having control is freaking me out. Is this when I’m supposed to find myself? Where are you? How do I get there and what will I find? Or who will I find? Will I even find me? Before I pin-pointed the mountain and went after it. Now it’s a flat land with nothing and no idea where to turn to.

I been so hard on myself and now is the time to give myself credit and let out a sigh of relief with a pat on the back. I pursued higher education, I accomplished it. I pursued certain companies and job positions and accomplished it. I began to travel, I found my fashion style, I become more knowledgeable in politics, sports, etc.- other topics besides entertainment. I learned about designer fashion, I started reading books and I expanded my TV viewing choices. I’ve moved away from the nest and dominated this wild concrete jungle- NYC. I’ve gone from this paisa girl who listens to banda and sets low standards, to a sophisticated woman that wants to see the world.

But the main issue is now what? What lies ahead of me in my 30’s, in this new decade. Where do I work? What do I wanna work in? Where do I take my relationships and which ones? And why is the clock ticking? Was it always ticking but I just never took a moment to pause and see it? Or is it that it’s now ticking away and I’m freaking out that time will fly by like my 20’s and I wont check-off my bucket list? Or is it that it is now time for me to stop and take a breather and enjoy life on the slow lane?

 All I know is, I want to find a new career path and pursue it. I want to move away from New York, I’m over it. I want to become a mother and start a family but be more than a mom. I want to be able to work in something that full-fills me as a woman but also be a mom and take the kids to the park and enjoy the swing set and slides. I want to give my friendships the time and energy they deserve and receive the same. And lastly, I want to love myself. I want to get to that point where I truly and honestly accept and love my body. I want to put an end to this love/hate thing and be happy in my own skin. See myself the way my husband sees me. He says I am beautiful but sometimes I look at the mirror and can’t even stand myself. I want to look into that reflection and love what I see in that mirror.

I’ve exhausted myself and I’m emotionally drianed right now. I physically can’t type anymore. And I can’t get in touch with my feelings anymore. I need a break.

If you’re reading this. Thank you.

Cinco de Mayo= $$$

Who really cares for Cinco de Mayo and actually celebrates the true meaning of it? I doubt many people do. By now we know that this “holiday" has become an excuse for people to party. I think it's a commercialized, pointless yet moneymaking celebration. No, it is not the Mexican Independence Day and it's not even honored as much in Mexico (they don't care much for it). People go out to bars and drink Mexican alcohol (Corona, tequila) and eat Mexican food. But most Mexicans celebrate by going to a festival. Most major cities across the U.S. host festivals in outdoor venues with live music and food stands. Most of these festivals feature celebrities and famous bands. Growing up, I remember my dad dragged the family to the festival each year and I didn't enjoy it. I hated having to be out in the sun standing all day and the only thing that made me happy was the paletero (ice cream man). After years of working in radio, I've realized how crucial these festivals are for marketing and advertising. As a PR professional, I realize how important it is for major corporations and companies to have a presence at these festivals to target Mexicans. And after years of attending and working these events, I've realized how unpleasant these festivals can be. These festivals are great moneymakers and most of them are free, therefore, sponsors are guaranteed a huge turnout. Sponsors pay up to hundreds of dollars to have booths to sell and promote products and fight to have the best spot for signage on stage. Company owners and politicians use this platform to campaign and stress their commitment to social responsibility to the community. And despite being bombarded with marketing and advertising, Mexicans attend to see celebrities, listen to bands and enjoy street food. I personally wouldn't attend. The festivals last all day long and people stand whether rain or shine. Some festivals get huge crowds and people push and shove each other. The food and beverages can be over-priced and there are no restrooms only dirty porta-potties. The sound system can be off (despite "hours" of sound check). And the audience is witness to embarrassing disorganization and chaos by the main organizers right on stage. But to my surprise, people still attend these festivals and celebrate Cinco de Mayo, making it ideal moneymaking opportunities for sponsors. It seems this day everyone is proud to be Mexican and all is forgotten as long as we get a festival and someone shouting “Viva Mexico” every 5 minutes.

27 going on...

So I'm officially in my late 20's. Two weeks ago, I celebrated my birthday and said farewell to my 26th year of life. The year flew by; it seems like it was my birthday two months ago. My 26th year I started my career in public relations but the greatest accomplishment was graduating and obtaining my Masters degree. And now, here I am reflecting on life and looking forward to being 27 years old. This year I hope to achieve my professional goals since my main priority is my career. But in a few years I will be 30 and in a way I already feel like I'm 30. I have always felt older than I really am and I've always been mature beyond my years. The other day I was talking to a friend and she said that by age 33 you should have your life together and know what you want out of life. I already knew what I wanted out of life at age 23 and that was one of the reasons why I got married so young. But I know some people in their late 20's that are primarily focused on partying, being adventurous and living life as if there is no tomorrow. Part of me debates on whether I should get all the partying out of my system before I am 30 and the other part of me wants to continue to be goal oriented and work towards achieving my dreams. Don't you wish someone would just hand you a guide on life and how to handle all the curveballs it throws at you? But you would you even read it? Better yet, would you even follow what it says? I know birthdays are about having fun and celebrating with your friends and love ones. But isn’t it also about reflecting back on that year and analyzing life. This seems too much work and stressful that I think I will just go back to celebrating. So cheers to another birthday and to turning 27. Como el vino, entre mas vieja, mas buena. (I’m like wine, as I age, I get better)

San Bruno

San Bruno is where my parents achieved "the American Dream" and the pueblo I left eight years ago.

During this trip to California, I’ve been spending a lot of time in San Bruno. During my morning jogs, I go through the neighborhood and reminisce on my childhood. My parents emigrated from Mexico and lived in San Francisco when I was born and then we moved to South San Francisco. But it was San Bruno where my parents decided they wanted to raise their children. They were able to buy their house with a large backyard where my brother and I could run around and play. But for me San Bruno was just a pueblo (town) and I could not wait to run off to the big city (like something out of a telenovela).

I've always been very proud and appreciative of my parents but since I was a little girl, I dreamed big and I knew San Bruno was not the place for me. To be quite honest I actually hated it and I begged my mom to transfer me to schools in other cities, but she always put her foot down and said no. So I worked hard in school to get good grades and get into a good  far, far away college. Then when the time came, I got accepted into several schools in Southern California, but due to financial reasons my only other option was San Jose State. I decided I would move to San Jose for a short period of time, graduate college and then move on. 

Now as I walk/drive through the streets, I can't help but smile and feel nostalgic and miss those childhood moments where your only worry was to do your homework to be able to go outside and play. San Bruno has a special place in my heart but there is no way in hell I would ever, EVER move back. I could not picture my life here. I will always visit because this is where my parents live and someday when I have kids I'll probably send my children to spend their summers/ vacations with my parents.

Thank you San Bruno but you and I were never meant to be.

College #GoodTimes

I am currently in California and the other day while hanging out in San Jose, I was reminiscing, a walk down memory lane. As I walked downtown, passing by all my former "hang-out spots," I got hit by waves of emotions and flashbacks. But as I walked through campus (San Jose State), I couldn't help but feel nostalgic and think back on what my life was like while going to college. During that time, life was exciting, a non-stop adventure. I was in my early 20's, I had moved out of my parents' house and I was working in Hispanic radio. High school was a horrible experience for me so college was where I really let my personality flourish. I enjoyed my classes and professors' lectures because I was already working in the industry. I would go to school in the morning, work in the afternoon and party all night. I lived by the motto: "work hard, play hard." I loved working in radio and I devoted myself to work. At school I was active and involved in different organizations where I got to meet lots of people. But it wasn't until I joined my college radio station, 90.5 FM KSJS, when my social life really took off. I made lots of friends and became music manager for the Alternativo en Español department and I enjoyed every minute of it. There was always something going on and I barely had any time to sleep. Who has time to sleep when life is a party? But not everything is unicorns and rainbows. I overworked myself that I became physically ill and didn't take care of my health. I spent so much time at work and was too busy partying, that I procrastinated on my schoolwork. But I pulled overnighters and managed to get a great GPA the entire time. And with such an active social life, there is always drama involved that I found myself in tough situations. But with all the highs and lows you learn who your true friends are. And with such a rollercoaster ride, you wear yourself out that you either crash or things come tumbling down on you. And there are moments that you find yourself lonely despite being surrounded by an army of people. But reflecting back on my college years and those good times that I had, I wouldn't change any of it. I value each experience because it helped shape the woman I am today.

Sagra

Happy Birthday to the best mother-in-law! Latinos always joke about mothers in-law being nosy, over-ruling and scary. Meeting the parents of your significant other can be a terrifying experience but lucky for me, I am blessed with a great suegra. I have been married for three years now and my husband is the best man I have ever met and that is because he was raised by a wonderful woman. Sagra was raised in a middle-class family in Mexico City and although she was not allowed to attend college, she always pursued education. Sagra is an English teacher in a private elementary school in Mexico City that caters to the top elite and exclusive families in the country. Sagra installed in me the importance of higher education and the significance of holding a degree. She encouraged me to pursue a Masters degree and work hard to fulfill my dreams. Our long heart-to-heart conversations have always been about being more than just a wife. Through her experiences, she has taught me the importance of knowing how to carry yourself among different social groups and being knowledgeable in different areas. Although I got married at 23 years old, she constantly reminds me that I must accomplish my goals and not lose my individuality. And of course, Sagra has guided me to become a great wife to her son. Her anecdotes of overcoming marital stages and obstacles guide me of the importance of team work and being levelheaded when having an argument. I truly appreciate her advice and take to heart her wisdom of over 40 years of marriage. But what I truly love about Sagra and the reason why she is a great influence in my life is because she is a remarkable person. She is the kindest most warm-hearted soul I have ever met. She is truly genuine and she is always willing to help out anyone and everyone. One particular time we were visiting her in Mexico, we were out to dinner and while we waited for the car, we went to the restroom. A few children were asking for money. Not only did she give them money, but she took one child in to the restroom and washed his face and hands. She showed him how to wash his hands and even sang a song to him as she did it. She interacted with the children and asked them what they liked to play. She then asked my husband and to bring out any snacks we had in the car and hand them to the children. But of course she wasn’t done; she went back to the restroom and gave the cleaning lady money and praised her having such a difficult job. That is what makes my mother in-law so special; her heart and the love she gives without ever expecting something in return. She is one of my greatest inspirations and I aspire to be like her and never lose that faith in mankind that she has.

A Look Back At 2013

So here we are again, recovering from New Years Eve and having to face another year. It's time for a fresh new start, new begginning, new chapter, a new year to either start over or to continue in pursuit of personal happiness. But first, I must reflect back on the year I had in 2013.

I started the year in Guadalajara, Mexico, where I spent a great New Years Eve with my family. I started the year with clear vision (literally, since I had just gotten lasik eye surgery). After six weeks of vacation, I returned to NYC and finished strong my last semester of graduate school. I became busy freelancing and looking for my first real job.

In May, I graduated from Iona College with honors and I was overwhelmed with happiness as I was joined by my parents and in-laws to celebrate such an important moment in my life. I can't believe my purpose for moving to NYC was to attend graduate school and now I am completly done. 

In the summer I went on a mini-road trip with my parents and husband, which turned out to be one of the most memorable trips of my life. It was a wonderful eye-opening bonding experience that revealed another side to  my parents and showed me how much I had missed out on due to holding on to past grudges. 

During the summer we unfortanetly had to go back to California for a family passing and it was the first time we went back in two years. It was a short but sweet trip in which I was able to see most of my friends. It was a trip where I realized that no matter the time or distance, some things and people just don't change. 

In the summer as I worked at my internship (where I am currently, still interning), I also worked hard on finishing my Masters' thesis, which I then turned in and shortly after recieved my diploma; officially marking the end of graduate school. 

I continued to work hard at my internship, pushing through personal obstacles, highs and lows of life and my biggest issue for the past couple of years, financial struggles. But despite it all, in November, we were able to save up for a weekend trip to Las Vegas and celebrate our third year wedding anniversary with our best friends. We had the best time and it was a very much deserved and needed trip. 

After Vegas, it was suddenly holiday season and in a blink of an eye, I find myself reflecting back on 2013, wondering where the year went. I am extremely relieved, happy and somewhat at peace since I ended 2013 with two positives that had weighed heavily on me all year. But that will be have to part of the next blog on what I look forward into 2014. 

First Christmas in NYC

This was the first year I spend Christmas in NYC and away from family. Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but it can also be the loneliest time of the year. This year due to various factors outside of our control, we couldn't afford to travel and neither could our family members. So my husband and I didn't really plan for Christmas. Obviously we knew it would be just the two of us and in a way, it foreshadowed what our future Christmas could be like. 

Last year, although I was in Mexico with my husband's family, I was a bit nostalgic and homesick. I missed my parents and the traditions and way we celebrated Christmas. I missed my mom's tamales. But this year, a friend invited us to her house in Queens for a Mexican-Argentinean Christmas party. We we're appreciative and grateful for her invitation. And this actually turned out to be one of the funnest Christmas I've ever had. 

There were two families and the other guests were international Argentinean graduate students. Everyone was in a great mood and you can tell they were appreciative and grateful to have somewhere to spend the holiday. The food was delicious and the drinks were flowing. Everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves. There were games with prices and Secret Santa. 

It was nice to spend time with people who are here for a purpose. We are in New York working hard to accomplish our goals and we sacrifice being away from our families. Not many people are brave enough to leave the nest and take on the most aggressive and competitive city in the world. I applaud and encourage independence. I am happy for those who move out of their parents' homes or move to another city. But few people really understand the strength and courage it takes to leave your home state or even your country and really be on your own. So next year if you know someone who is not able to spend the holidays with their families, invite them in to your home and you will make their Christmas the most wonderful time of the year. 

p.s. Argentinean homemade empanadas are the BEST!

Holidays Are Not The Same

This year's Thanksgiving day I was not as homesick as last year. I want to start off by telling you that if you are blessed to spend the Holidays with your loved ones, be appreciative and grateful.

Last year was my first year away from family and I was extremely homesick. This year I was a bit sad but my husband took me out for some retail therapy. I miss my mothers real from scratch home cooking. I miss the loudness and the unconventional way Mexicans celebrate Thanksgiving (like mixing in tamales and doing shots of tequila).

Unfortunately, this year we can't afford to travel for the holidays and New York is a great place to celebrate, but it's lonely without our friends and family. But it is one of the many sacrifices of choosing to move across the country to accomplish our professional goals. But being the heavy thinker that I am, I wonder what will we do when we have children. I want my kids to have wonderful childhood memories and I want them to celebrate the holidays in the traditional Mexican culture. But will we be able to travel?

Like always, I should think about the present and humbly accept my reality. But my parents are no help at all. Why must they call and say they miss me and that the holidays are not the same without me

It's times like these that I question my decision of leaving California. But I know that these sacrifices will pay off (they better).

Masters Thesis

I just turned in my graduate thesis project after working on it for an entire year. This thesis project not only signifies the finish line of graduate school, not only is it a culmination and proof of what I learned in class, but it also serves as a tool to use in my future career as a public relations practitioner. 



My thesis project is base on a real life project and I executed it based on real actions. I got the idea in spring 2012, after I saw a documentary about immigration. Immigration is a controversial, crucial and important topic we should all be knowledgeable about. 

 "La Bestia (The Beast)" by Mexican filmmaker Pedro Ultreras, tells the horrifying journey Central American immigrants face while crossing the Mexican territory on cargos trains trying to reach the U.S./Mexico boarder, in hopes of reaching the "American dream." These immigrants risk their lives and limbs. They are assaulted, beaten, humiliated, raped, discriminated and murdered by gang members and Mexican authorities. 
Not only is it an eye opening and heart wrenching film to watch, it is a great book to read.

I spoke with Pedro who wrote, filmed, produced, directed and edited the documentary and I established a public relations campaign. After doing research, I set out to write my paper. I wrote about the campaign, what it would consist of and the purpose of it. I established a media relation’s plan and reached out to Hispanic media. To promote the film, I reached out to several universities and pitched the filmmaker and the documentary. I pitched the idea of hosting events to showcase the film and hold a Q&A session with Pedro. I pitched the film as a great education tool for aspiring film directors and producers and pitched Pedro as a great resource for aspiring journalists. 



The first event was held at Columbia University and it was a great success. Unfortunately, the other events were cancelled last minute due to conflicting schedules. The events took a long time and a lot of hard work to plan out.

My thesis is not just a paper; it is a project I executed based a real campaign that I created. I use it to network and I use it as proof to demonstrate my potential as a strong PR practitioner. The thesis is a PR outline that can be applied and modified to promote other documentaries. The thesis demonstrates the foundation, principles and tools of PR. It is also great exposure for a must-see documentary by a talented filmmaker. 



After what I believe was at least my 8th draft (I lost count), I finally finished my thesis project, which is over 70 pages. I have crossed the finish line. I have officially completed graduate school. I moved to NYC to pursue higher education and I have accomplished my goal. My dream of pursuing a master’s degree is now a reality. I am officially done with school forever. That's it, I have closed a chapter in my life. 



If you would like to learn more about the film and/or my thesis please feel free to contact me. 

I'm Afraid Of Commitment.

On August 17, it was 2 years since I moved to New York and yes, I am still happy I made the move. It has been the most difficult chapter in my life and if you’ve been reading my blogs, I have given you a taste of how life really is. But I must confess, I am still not sure if I should call NY my “permanent” home. 

So just like any other conversation among married couples, my husband and I are already talking about buying a place and where to raise a family in the near future. My husband wants me to go from Housewife of NY to Housewife of NJ. Meaning he wants to buy a home in New Jersey. Apparently living in the Bronx gives me street cred, and although I don't live in the "ghetto" like people assume I do, I am ok with living in the Bronx for the moment. I don't love it though and I would like to move maybe to Queens or of course Manhattan. But Jersey?! Don't even get me started. I will save that for another blog. 

Of course it is all talk for now since we are nowhere near ready to buy a place. But the point of my blog is whether NY is where I want to live permanently. Although I am happy, I worry that some day I will get sick of living here. I also worry about raising a family and being so far away from our friends and family. 

But I also worry about making a commitment of living in NY and then not being able to back out of it. What if I want to move to another state, or another country? I quit everything and moved once, I can do it again; but my husband is not having that. 

As you can tell, I tend to stress myself out as I go through my mid 20's crisis. Is this normal? Is it normal for me to worry about so much. My husband says I waste time getting myself worked up over nothing. Yet my older, married-with-kids friends tell me that I’m in the right mindset and I should start planning ahead.

Bottom line is I am happy at the moment, but are we ever truly satisfied. Why can’t we have our cake and eat it too (and not gain any lbs). Why can’t I live in NY and have my friends and family. Why can’t I commit to NY? Why can’t I live here for a bit and move somewhere else. And why is life so complicated? Or am I the complicated one?

Masters for stupid people.

The other day I was slightly annoyed and although my husband told me I shouldn't let it get to me, at that moment, I wanted to really speak my mind. But I chose not to, so instead I'll blog about it. 

I was with a group of people and we were talking about student loans and how hard it has become for people to attend college. A woman older than I am, said that students graduate with a huge debt to pay, don't learn anything and can't get any jobs after college. She said: "I feel sorry for students, especially those getting their masters. People who get their masters are stupid. I know plenty of people with masters that don't know anything, can't do their job or can't get a job." Of course this was coming from someone who doesn't have a masters. She kept repeating how stupid it was to go to grad school. 

I bit my tongue and chose not to say anything because it would be a waste of time to try to get my point across and like they say, it is wise to choose your battles. I let her go on and I couldn't help but feel like she was giving me indirectas (jabs). 

Yes, many people have degrees and don't work in that field and yes, some people with degrees can act "stupid" and yes, there is a huge debt to pay. And yes, many don't need degrees and have good paying jobs; but don't make comments without knowing the whole truth. Everyone has their reasoning behind perusing or not higher education and everyone is entitled to their opinion. But don't pass judgement and mock them for going out after a goal, a dream. 

Ealier in my life, I didn't think about going to grad school. I just wanted to get through undergrad. After graduation, I took a year off and during that period I just randomly decided I wanted another career, another degree, another experience. And I ended up picking a school across the country. 

My graduate experience at Iona College was great academically. I was focused and determined. I graduated with a 4.0 and with honors. I was on top of my game with assignments and rarely missing class. But this masters degree means more to me than you could ever imagine. 

This degree is not about a career or job or money. It's about growth. I sacrificed a lot to get to where I am. It literally caused my blood, sweat and tears. It took me out my home state, away from friends and family and it tested my strength, my faith, myself, and at times-my marriage. No one other than my husband and family knows what I have been through. No one can imagine the experiences I lived through, such as being the outcast for being the only Mexican at my school. 

Having a degree or not does not define you. The job and titled you hold does not define you either. What matters is how you carry yourself y la calidad de ser humano que eres; the human qualities you have. 

Am I proud to have a masters? Damn right I am. I worked my butt off. Am I going to have a huge debt to pay? Yes. Was it all worth it? Of course. But no one is going to tell me I'm stupid for pursing my masters degree.  

Distance made us closer.

The best thing I could have ever done was move out of my parents' house at age 19. I got into various schools in LA but was too chicken to leave "the nest" so instead, I moved to San Jose. Being an hour away from home was great because I had the freedom I wanted and had my own life. I was far enough to do whatever the heck I wanted, but I was also close enough to run back home to mommy and daddy.

Of course I milked it. Like my parents always tell me: "si claro, cuando te conviene" (when it's convenient for you). I took my laundry to my mom and got food and groceries from the house. I literally would get cereal, toilet paper, milk, etc from my mom's house (great way for a college student to save money). And I went to my dad when I had car troubles.

See the thing is that my parents are traditional old school Mexicans and I, a loud-spoken, direct, say-it-like-it-is, holds nothing back, takes no BS girl. I clashed with them and we gave each other headaches. It was hard for them to understand me and visa versa. They rarely approved of my decisions and regarless, I made them. I rarely listend to them and all they would tell me was "te mandas sola o que?" Typical Mexican saying of "do you really think you can do whatever you want?" They wanted a hard working girl who gets married to a traditional Mexican and becomes a housewife and mother. No thanks, I had other plans.

So living on my own in San Jose was where I learned a lot about myself. I honestly did not miss my parents. Not to be mean, but I was busy. Full-time student, full-time job, and with a full-time social life. I saw them every 2 weeks and that was more than enough.

Then I got married and another blow in my parents hearts, I moved across the country. Of course they tried to talk me out of it and did all they could to get me to stay, but nope, I left. They have visited me two times and they absolutely hate NYC.

But NY actually brought us closer. We have had heart-to-heart conversations and are in a better place and have a better relationship. We finally understand each other and I honestly miss them. I try to call them frequently and I ask them for advice. I confide in them now and take their opinions to consideration.

In the past, I wanted desperately to grow up and have my own life, but in a way I was shutting them out. They wanted to be a part of my life, but were going about it the wrong way. We were pushing each others limits. But at the end of the day, I made my parents proud which is all we ever wanted.  

I appreciate them and everything they have done for me. I love them and I am truly blessed to have them.

And I am sure they are happy that their rebellious daughter has become easy to talk to. I hear she's a great daughter just a little rough around the edges.  I am thankful that distance brought us closer. 

I'm going back to Cali!!!

Last week, I went back to CA, unfortunately it was due to a family funeral. It has been almost two years since we left for NY and I was extremely nervous. I wish the circumstances would had been different. 

I was nervous because I had never been to a funeral and because my husband's extended family was going to be there. I was also nervous and feeling uncertain about how people would react towards me. I knew people would expect me to change and either talk about how great life in NY is or how much it sucks. And of course, the main question: "Are you moving back?" I wanted to show people that yes, I have changed, into a better person, but I'm still the same friend they can always count on. 

I was only there for five days and didn't get to see all of my friends. At times there were awkward moments with some people and others embraced and showed me how excited they were to see me. I had a lot of fun and I was very happy to see my friends and family. I felt bad I couldn't hang out with everybody, but I promise to visit when I go back. 

It was really cool to drive around Oakland, San Francisco, San Bruno, South San Francisco and San Jose. It was like time hadn't even passed and I remembered how to get to and from places. It was a nice drive down memory lane. However, it's sad to say that nothing has changed. I walked the street where I used to live and the garden of the house on the corner looked the same. And it is sad to say that a lot of people haven't changed. 

I do have to admit that it is very weird to me that now all of a sudden people tell me they want to move somewhere else. These are people who thought the world of San Francisco and San Jose and now all of a sudden they were talking bad about the city they once worshipped. I am all for people growing and getting out of their comfort zone; in fact I support it and encourage it. But how is it fair that when I decided to take the plunge people labeled me as crazy and didn't support it, and now they "say" they want to do the same?

CA, I love you and who knows maybe someday I will move back, but for now I'm not ready. But who knows, maybe if you make me an offer I can't resist, then maybe, just maybe, I will be going back to CA, but not on a visit. 

Graduation. MA in PR.

Competing the graduate program and earning my masters degree is one of my greatest accomplishments so far. It has cost me blood, sweat and tears. It has challenged me as a student, woman, professional, wife and daughter. 

I never thought about going to graduate school. Honestly, my parents never really cared for higher education and all they wanted me to do was to work, make a living and possibly, contribute to the household. I always knew I wanted to earn a BA and I did, but it was my husband who inspired me to go for my MA. So what do I do? I apply to a school all the way across the country, in a place I've never even heard of or been to. I knew I would get in; I had the grades. I just didn't know whether or not I would make the move and risk everything I had, everything I knew, just to pursue higher education. My husband told me: "No matter what, you can't quit. No matter how tough things get in NY, you must complete and finish graduate school; or else we are not moving." So I made a promise and I kept it. 

Moving to NY has been the hardest thing I have ever done, the hardest experience I have ever lived, and the hardest obstacle I have ever had to overcome. School surprisingly was pretty easy. I never missed class; I was late though, guilty. I actually read the books and took notes. I never procrastinated and completed all my assignments. I participated in class and took notes, which I studied on a weekly basis. I studied; I did everything I hadn't done as an undergrad. I was focused and determined and got good grades. I finished with a 4.0 and honors. 

I was not there to make friends, to party or to lack off. I was there to prove to myself that this risk was worth it. My faith, my strength, my courage and my patience, were tested. I had a few unpleasant experiences with classmates. At times, I was treated poorly and singled out as the outsider. But I overcame it and realized I had no time for petty things and immature and spoiled brats, who to my surprised, acted as teenage girls and not young educated women. 

Graduation day was a memorable day; walking across that stage with mixed emotions is one of the best moments of my life. My parents were so proud and they finally got it. They get that higher education is important and they finally recognized that they were wrong in doubting me. My in-laws were emotional and I was beyond excited that they traveled from Mexico City to be part of this special day. I am truly blessed to have my parents and my suegros and words cannot express how appreciative I am of them and how much they mean to me. Thank you God and please provide them with good health because I need them in my life, more than they could imagine. 

This masters degree is dedicated to the love my life: my husband, because without his love and support, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. Javier, you are the biggest blessing in my life. I love you more than life itself. I am so thankful to have you and I appreciate you and everything you do. You dedicate your life and time to make me happy and I promise to make you the happiest man in the world. You have the biggest heart and you are the kindest man I know. You are the best husband in the world and I just want you to know that I look up to you and my admiration for you is what drives and motivates me. Can you please tell me one more time, how you felt when I crossed that stage? 

Everybody wants to go to NYC (Except my Mom)

Ever since I told people I was moving and ever since I told people that I moved from CA, all I been hearing is: "Everybody wants to go to NYC." But I never really understood the underlining meaning of this phrase, until recently. 

I honestly never cared for New York. I never dreamed of living here. I never even dreamed of coming here for vacation. I always dreamed (and still do) of traveling to Europe, South America; to major cities like Paris, London, Sydney, etc. but never NYC. In the U.S., I always wanted to visit Las Vegas, Miami, Houston, etc. but again, never NYC. It just never appealed to me; I didn't find it interesting what-so-ever.

Honestly, I just chose NYC because of school. It is a great school, didn't have to pay out-of-state tuition and most importantly, I didn't have to take any tests to get accepted. The masters program appealed to me and after talking to the professors, I knew that Iona College is where I wanted to go; despite never have even visited NYC. 

My biggest fear was that I would hate it, but to my surprise I fell in love with it. There are things that can't compare to Cali and I miss it deeply, but this city has grown on me.

My mom hates NYC and if it were up to her she would drag me back with her to CA. Every time she calls me, it's to say: "Move back. I don't understand why you like it. It's so dirty and ugly. And bad stuff happens there." My dear mother, gota love her because I know that what she really means is: "I miss you."  

I knew this city is competitive, but it never really hit me until I began job searching. I realize that people are here trying to break into numerous industries and millions of dreams are set on NYC. I now know why millions travel and tour this city. I now understand what the big fuss is about. I too have my dreams and hopes set on this city. But unlike the other millions of people dreaming of NYC, my dreams are driven and motivated by my goals, not this city. I could careless for it. All I want is to make my dreams come true, here, because I know that making it in this market will open up endless of opportunities elsewhere. I know that starting out in NYC can lead me to other career ventures in other cities. But come on NYC, can't I catch a break already! I know it's a jungle and I know you chew people up and spit them out. But don't do that to me. I won't let you. The more you test me and try to kick me out, the harder I fight and the tighter I hold on. 

For everyone who thinks moving across the country is easy and sounds like a fun adventure, trust me, be afraid, be very afraid. Be prepared and toughen up because even if you think you have an idea of how life will be, you don't. Once you get here and have lived here for a while, that's when you will truly grasp the concept of it. But it is one of the most rewarding things knowing that you have tough skin and decided to risk everything to achieve those goals. 

Kudos to me!!