We learn in Romans 7 and 1 John 3 that we’re in a gap between who we want to be and where we really are. I do believe we want to pursue the greater story, yet we live in that gray-space struggle where our heart and body are at crossfire. And this is exactly where God enters. This is where the Christian faith tells us about the God who was not an abstract ideal, but one who stepped into the dirt of the earth as one of us, to call us back to His greatness, and showed such solidarity with us through temptation, weariness, persecution, and abandonment. Jesus so profoundly understands what you’re going through more than you could know. He knows. As much as I’ve been mad at myself for getting so caught up in inconsequential things, I had to remember that God wasn’t mad. He knew we would turn against Him and against each other. He sent Jesus for this very reason, to die for all the ways we’ve wandered, to beckon us home, to be restored and renewed by His breaking of death, to reinstate us back to the men and women He knows we can be. God extends such grace, always. It is never, ever, ever too late to return to His royalty, as rightful co-heirs of Christ.

J.S. (via jspark3000)

I don't actually know what I want to type about right now.. I am kind of just typing because I am really tired and don't want to do the work that I have to do. I guess maybe I could talk about my friend. 

So there was this guy. He went to my church only sometimes and came to small group other times. I started to develop a crush on him. Then we started hanging out. For a month we saw each other and hung out at least 3 times a week. It was awesome. He was hilarious and so much fun. 

Then my roommates and I decided to have a party and we all got drunk and something happened between him and another guy. I also learned at this point in time that he was no longer a Christian, and I was crushed. Later I was asking another guy about him and he exploded on me and told me to not mention his name anymore and that he had ended his friendship with the guy I had feelings for. He wouldn't tell me why, just that something had happened that night. 

So then my crush disappeared. Basically off the face of the planet. I didn't know why but I had a suspicion it was because of the ended friendship. I tried texting him but all I got was radio silence. 

Fast forward 3 or more months. I am at work and here comes the guy who had become one of my best friends before disappearing. He gave me a huge hug and we ended up talking for half an hour and said we were going to hang out. The one catch, he was with another guy, holding his hand. GASP! The guy I really liked, gay or bi. One of the two. Thats totally fine. Do what you want to do, no judgement. But the guy he was with I know, he is a thief and compulsive liar. I was devastated. NO DONT BE WITH HIM! So I texted my friend and asked how he knew the guy and he said they had just met and were basically just starting being a thing, whatever that means.  

Anyway we kind of left it at that and then I didn't know my schedule so I didn't text him to hang out because I didn't know when I had off. He texted me this morning and asked if I still wanted to hang out. YESSSSSSS of course I still want to hang out with you! I love you! You are still a great friend. So anyway I am super stoked that he wants to be my friend.

Random thought of the day. I hate when people see my tattoos and immediately go I would never get a tattoo. You know thats a sin, right? First of all, I have freedom in Christ so maybe you want to focus on your own relationship with Jesus instead of butting in on mine. Then they always (the couple times its happened) say IF I DID get a tattoo I would get something like a rose or a butterfly and put it on my lower back.

YOU WOULD GET A TRAMP STAMP! FIRST OF ALL YOU DONT EVEN BELIEVE IN TATTOOS AND THINK I AM GOING TO HELL BECAUSE OF IT BUT IF YOU DID YOU WOULD GET THE SLUTTIEST ONE THERE IS!

Video: Angry llama hates the cleaning man.

Ugh I have a stupid work crush. He asks me how I am everyday and then if he sees me stressed or something he will ask me if I’m good. He is sooooooooo cute. He is Israeli and has this amazing smile. He is super sexy and it drives me crazy. 

He isn't the guy, he isn't the one. He doesn't believe what I believe. We talk about it. He is the thing I wish I could have and just do but would regret beyond words. I just want him, I know I can get him, but I know that I don't need him. That he would be a mistake. But I still can't get him out of my head. 

Chapter 1.

I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I don't know if that is normal or not but I really only remember a few things. I remember when my little brother was born. My mom was wearing this jacket that I loved. (It was really long and I would put my hand in the pocket and smell it and suck my thumb whenever she wore it anywhere). She met my dad out by the mailbox to go to the hospital so that they could leave more speedily. I don't remember who stayed with us when they were gone or how long they were gone for. I don't even remember seeing him for the first time. I do remember changing his diaper once. I was trying to be helpful. I remember I always wanted to sit in the middle seat. He would be in the car seat and he would hold onto my finger as we drove. To this day that is one of my favorite things about babies. How they hold onto your finger so tight. 

I’m a twin. I remember going on a date with my dad one time. He and my mom would take turns taking us out on one on one dates. This particular one we were at A&W getting root beer floats. I remember asking why my older brother hated us. My dad replied that he didn't hate us, that when my sister and I were born he was jealous because he went from being the center of attention to being forgotten. That didn’t really seem like a good reason to me at the time. I still thought it wasn't fair how he treated us. Today though I realize it is one of the saddest things my dad has ever said. My older brother went from being everything to nothing in a day. He wasn't a twin. He wasn't new. He was tall and gawky and kind of funny looking for three year old. And it wasn't just when we were born. We kept getting the attention and the presents. That one sentence from my dad has changed how I treat children. I always used to go straight for the baby, but its true. The baby always gets more attention. If I can help kids not grow up with a brother how I grew up with my brother I would do everything in the world I could to stop it. 

I remember that we used to have this tree in the backyard that had this white puffball flowers. We would throw them at each other. I loved that tree. We also had a playlet. It had swings. I loved swings but they always made me dizzy. My parents used to have a small group come to the house. Usually we would go to bed and they would come over. They always started with worship. They would play my favorite song, Awesome God. I would sit by the door and listen to it. I loved that song. It was one of those songs that makes your soul soar. One time everyone brought their kids to small group and we all got to play on the playset outback. Then we watched Left Behind. Which was really freaky when I was just a kid. 

We had a cat too. We always have had dogs, but Fella was our cat. I loved him the most. He was a stray that my mom took in accidentally. He was the best cat I have ever had. I remember we used to have this old red porch and we would put a flower basket over this opening to it because he would run under the porch when he wanted to be alone. When he died it was awful. My parents sent us three youngest to my grandparents. When I came home my older brother asked me where Fella was. I started crying. Thats a snapshot of the kind of mean my brother was. 

My parents gave us the best birthday parties. We would always get to have our friends over and play the funnest games. My favorite was the donut game. You hung up string and then tied a powdered donut to the end, were blindfolded and then had to eat it off the string. You would have powder all over your face by the end. 

My parents decided to put a pool in the backyard. Its still there and we always had so much fun with it. But I remember when it was being built our backyard was basically sand and mud and dirt. I was out playing in it one time and I overheard my parents talking. I don't remember ever having a problem with this but I guess I used to stutter. They were talking about how bad my cousin stuttered and hoping that I wouldn't have the same problem. I must have stopped because now I only stutter if I am really fired up about something or offended. 

All in all I had an amazing childhood. My parents were without a doubt perfect for me. I really only had issues with my brothers. We can talk about that later though. I’m not ready to divulge those secrets quite yet. One last little thing. We used to make home videos. We had this old video camera and we would make plays. Honestly, we were more excited about the commercials then the plays. We would makeup ridiculous new products to sell during breaks. My older brother always got to be the camera man. I wish I would have gotten to do it some time. 

So I have decided that I want to write out my story. I have never done this before but I have always wanted to start writing. So why not write things down that I have never told anyone before. Things that have happened in my life and the way that they have shaped me. I have thought about these things before but I think that writing or typing as it were, out will help me see my life in a new light. I decided to make this anonymous. Nobody who I know, knows this email or tumblr. At the moment I have no followers. I wanted to do this for the sole purpose of not hurting anyone. Some things that have happened to me were because of others and I don't want to hurt my family because of them hearing or reading things that I have gone through. 

This morning has been amazing. I got to go out to breakfast with some of my best friends and got to workout. I basically just ignore the people I work with now because they give me such a bad attitude. But it doesn’t matter because today is beautiful. Today is great. Today is exciting. Today is God’s day. Today is an adventure. 

God gives me joy through music. I can be in the worst mood but as soon as I put on my headphones and listen to a song with the volume up God is the only thing I can think about. The world gets more beautiful. I can see the joy that I feel. I can hear the joy through the notes that are being played. 

There are a few songs that I am going to post that I have probably already posted but here it goes. They make me feel so much joy. If I could see new colors these songs would be the way. Music is so healing and I think, at least for me, its because I can see the beauty of God in it. 

      This is exactly it. This is exactly what I’m going through with my friend.

I’ve been learning over and over that unless someone is willing to see the unwieldy plank in their own eye, it’s absolutely impossible to help them out of their destructive patterns and self-deception.

You can yell and grieve and make a scene. You can spend hours in gentle counsel and eloquent exchange and loud weeping and tongue-biting patience. But unless that person wants to change, it’s not happening. No argument or mercy or fervency is enough. They’ll need to be pierced by their own convictions, or in the worst case, they must come to their own ruin and see the miles of hurt they’ve caused. Otherwise, you’re only reinforcing their pride and building their defenses and rationalizations.

Often the only thing we can do is to pray and humble ourselves. To look at our own plank first. To expect the best, even if the other person is taking no strides. To keep the door open. To keep serving. And maybe it’s not about the other person anyway. If they don’t change, you will.

— J.S.

This is it.