Letter of the day is B..

For bucktoothed, big headed bitch..

For bumbling bitch ass bullshit..

For bastard buttfucking buffoon..

For banished..

So glad that people are able to move on from me and forget me so quickly and swiftly. All it takes is someone or something else, better. That’s it. And then I’m done all together. A faded memory from the past. A temporary person that went as fast as she came. And I just keep proving to myself that that’s how it always is and always will be. And that my solitude and silence is better for my sanity and peace than letting anyone in anymore. I’m done..

The amount of sadness I’ve been feeling lately. I could fill a pool with my tears. It’s made me deep dive into music and sadness and my emotions and thoughts. Which are all a jumbled mess. Everything is confusing and off and not right. I wish things weren’t like this. I wish I could go back to before; when I felt fine and content with my stupid little life. It may not be as I wish it was at the moment, but I’ll get there, eventually. But it was ok..fucking doable, for the moment, I guess. But now, it’s all a big, “I just don’t know”. I have to put on a happy face around others, just to make sure it’s not noticeable. So it’ll be music, for just about non stop, and seeing what other avenues I take for release. For some comfort from the discomfort. Or I would hope. Something as simple as a nice hug from the right person. But sadly, that won’t happen. So I’ll just work it out, eventually.

The tears are making my coffee salty

Stargazing

3/28/2024 9:43pm

Tonight was perfect for stargazing

It was a clear chilly night with a cool breeze

A few scattered clouds around, but not many

And then all the sparkling stars, mostly right above me

Twinkling and shinning bright

There’s something so peaceful and calming

To stare out at them

And out into space and just wonder

Or let your mind just be calm and quiet

For a nice moment

To let your eyes see

Their soothing beauty

And take it all in

Alone, as I’m use to

But a lot better with my favorite person

Which I miss so much as I gaze up at the sky

Wishing that he could be here

To share in the loveliness

It’s exactly why I love stargazing

Preferably with you

3/27/2024 10:32pm

It’s interesting how the body can react and feel someone else’s energy and vibes.

Walking down Ocean Blvd with him. We’re taking photos and enjoying the scenery; doing our own thing with photos, although not far from each other. We kept strolling down the street and somehow our arms or legs (I believe arms) grazed each other as we were walking. I swear at that moment I felt my body instantly get turned on and then felt myself getting wet. Just like that, without any kissing or holding hands or anything else to get me going. I kept walking and had this moment of like woah, what just happened☺️. It tripped me out, and felt really good, of course. I certainly enjoyed having that feeling and moment. Just wished I would have shared it with him.

Long Beach: Jessi

3/27/2024 10:13am, 7:05pm

I think of Long Beach and so many good and bad memories float by, mostly god though, at least. The bad I try to hide away in the pits of my brain. Anyways..

Today, it took me to remembering Jessi and how much I miss her; miss her being around and knowing she was around. She was the best massage therapist in Long Beach that I had found and always left me feeling like I was floating on a cloud. Plus always provided edibles to top off the perfect massage.

Remembering how one day, I was heading to meet some other friends to bar hop for the night. I’m strolling through, and all of a sudden she turns the corner, walking her dog, and we bumped right into each other like “hey!!”. We chatted for a minute, asked me what I was up to and said we should hang out (which we always talked about doing). We said our goodbyes and went out separate ways. But sadly never did hang out like we had hoped. Shortly after she was diagnosed with cancer. She fought it and was getting better. She was holding off going back to work until she was fully recuperated, which I completely understood. I asked her to keep me in the loop since I couldn’t wait for another massage from her. Sadly, that day never came.

She got sick, lost consciousness one day and passed away soon after. She was definitely the sweetest and most caring person around, and had such a healing and calming vibe. I just couldn’t believe how her life had been cut like that; felt so unfair since she was soo good and kind. All I’m left with is her memory of the times I was around her and her great massages. Needless to say, I haven’t had a massage that is up to par to hers, and I don’t know if I ever will.

This song has joined me through some of my darkest moments and low times in life (on repeat). Yet somehow, the songs sadness and melancholy weirdly soothes my dark soul. Even if it’s with more sadness and pain, it oddly helps me work through it.

#katatonia #day #song

Untitled

3/24/2024 5:15am, 3/25 6:47pm

You’ll look for me

And seek me

Everywhere you go

Everywhere you look

You’ll see my face

Staring back at you

With that smile

And those eyes

From the last time

As we said our goodbyes

You’ll try to forget me

Try to erase me from your mind and thoughts

And heart

But you won’t be able to

Because you know that you can’t

Not when I’m a memory

That’s under your skin

Only a memory

A piece in time

A mental picture

That will haunt you..

I won’t be there

I’ll only be there

In your heart

And in your mind

Even if you fight it

Until the end of time

I stand here in my room, realizing that I’m standing between two roses. To the right, hanging upside down, are the roses from over a year ago. And to the left is the preserved rose in its case, standing upright, from February. From two different people, although one didn’t mean anything, the other was quite the opposite. Now they both stare me in the face. The first, I wanted to toss for a while but just haven’t. I try not to blame the roses for the person that gifted them to me. So we’ll see. The other, I can’t and won’t get rid of. I don’t think that will change. It’s too beautiful of a rose to let go of, plus I don’t want to.

Untitled

3/24/2024 2:21pm

I feel like

I never intended

Or thought

You’d become my best friend

I wasn’t ready

I wasn’t expecting it

I was open to all the possibilities

With you

Because it felt like

It was all you

And only you

So I embraced it

Along with all of you

Your good

Your bad

Your talents

And your flaws

Your beautiful weirdness

That matched mine

Your laughter

Your smile

Your deep gaze

And eyes

Your kisses

And your sweet hugs

That melted me all over

Along with your sadness

And vulnerability

But most difficult..

Was accepting

Your walking away

From me

Mental Picture

3/20/2024 6:02pm

When you take a mental picture

And wish you could develop it

To have it

And show it

But you can’t

All that you can do

Is let it stay with you

Inside, in your mind

Forever

As a mental picture

To hold close

And relive

Only in your mind

Forever

As a mental picture

If Only I Could Feel Nothing

3/24/2024 5:07am, 12:28pm

If only I could feel nothing

Just have a switch to turn off

Any and all feelings

Emotions

Thoughts

If only..

But..

I don’t

If only I could feel nothing

Like a machine

With cold bearings and springs

That acts on internal mechanisms

That force actions with no thought

And not acting on feelings or thoughts

Much less, emotions or a heart

If only I could feel nothing

Have no concept of memory

Empathy

Or care

No sadness

No pain

No angst and troubled thoughts

No tortured mind of all that could have been

If only..

But..

I don’t

If only I could feel nothing

But..

I don’t

Dream 7/15

Lately I have been noticing that my dreams have been very scattered and not clear at all. Normally, I am able to wake up and remember pieces of the dream and it makes some sense. Lately though, they’re all weirdly scattered and are pieces of dreams that relate to my life, so it makes it hard for me to figure out which bits are real and which are actually dreams. It’s been an odd feeling and has been happening for a few weeks, I believe..

Well this morning, I finally had a dream and it was very clear and vivid and involved someone that I miss. That person being the one that I brought it in my last post that I teased endlessly. Again, it felt like a continuation of what actually happened. And I kept wondering also why he had not shown up in my dreams, so in a way I’m happy but it also makes me wonder if he misses, thinks of me, or dreams of me. Who knows. Anyways, it felt like I was in his city, but then it seemed like I was near home. I remember we were hanging out with one of his friends. We went to leave to go take a walk somewhere, I remember his friend kept walking ahead of us and somehow I felt like I was falling behind with my walking while my friend walked slightly ahead of me. I hardly ever lag with walking and tend to walk very quickly, even all of my tall friends notice because although I am short, I never fall behind, so it was interesting that I caught this in the dream. I also remember him mentioning my suitcase and about me heading home later that it would get late, and I remember saying not to worry, that I would jump on an uber to head home (I actually did use an uber when I went to see him, so again, interesting). We talked a bit and I remember we were having nice conversations, but don’t remember exactly about what. It felt like a continuation of our time together when we met and hung out, so it was nice. And it was nice seeing him in my dream, since I feel like he’s been so distant ever since and it’s made me quite sad since I had hoped that we would stay in a little more contact. Makes me wonder if he’s keeping me at a distance so as not to get close to me, since we have the physical distance to deal with, which is awful. In any case, I am glad that I finally had a dream worth having and worth remembering, with someone that I truly do miss and wish that I could have near me. Maybe this was a way to tell me that although we don’t talk or communicate as much, that I am still in his thoughts and memories and that deep down he does miss me. I do feel that I left an impact on him, so I can only hope, and can only hope to get some communication from him some day in the future. Or maybe that’s just the utter optimist in me that can only continue to hope for a good outcome and the possibility of seeing each other again..

If I happen to remember anything further from the dream, I’ll be sure to add it in here..

Naughty-ness..

In regards to my last encounter, teasing someone so bad that they said the following to me, “Either bite my dick or put a condom on me”, and “You’re driving me crazy”. Hearing those things drives me crazy! And makes me daydream of that encounter a lot! Mmmmmmmmhmmmm...:P