it's okay to feel overwhelmed, pressured and anxious over things you worry about. acknowledge what you feel, after that process what kind of coping you'll try just to ease the worries, pain, and struggles u are experiencing. expressing your thoughts will help u mend your sanity. your peace within you. slowly, you'll feel that u just need to breathe, to take a break from everything that's worrying you.

every single little feelings matter, your feelings are valid but your behavior depends on what you'll do in the future. so, what's most important is, you'll learn to manage your emotions.

being able to write and express my thoughts through writing make my heart calm. it lessens the pain i am trying to get rid of.

november 2023 was the last time i wrote all my thoughts in this app, i do this every time something bothers me. if it affects me to the point i could no longer process things, i write it down. but if it is still manageable, as much as possible i try not to write it down. bc writing it down for me means that i need to let go what bothers me, that i just need to move forward and shrug all of my worries away. i don't want to shrug my problems away bc in the long run, it will still be a problem. i try to acknowledge and embrace the feeling until i feel the exhaustion. until i am satisfied and feel the satisfaction and get to say that, "ah, at last i am free from thinking about that problem,"

i am writing this bc i still want to acknowledge our friendship, even tho i couldn't say you're still my friend bc we're not. our friendship was unexpected, during the 2nd year 1st sem, we weren't able to select our block section bc of valid reasons. i knew you were the one who's gonna be my friend despite me being my classmates with my dormmates. i was looking forward in getting to know you. to call you as my friend. as days, months goes by we became friends. i was comfortable around u, i can be myself whenever i'm with u and tell my story without any judgment. we were like sisters, i treated u not only as my friend but as a sister also. i was grateful that you were one of those friends i earned during my 2nd year.

however, there was this incident which i trust u wouldn't tell to anyone since i wasn't sure on what was right or wrong. you told my name to others, that i was the one who will take all the blame. my name was at stake and yet u didn't even think of me? was i your friend? did u really treat me as your friend? i was angry at sad at the same time. i needed time and space to process the situation. i tried hard to understand what went wrong or was i also at fault? i wonder if u did hesitate to tell my name to others easily and had the audacity to cut me off? big WOW. i was and i am still angry, but i keep it civil. i needed to be casual with u so that there wouldn't be any issues would circulate around our batch. i can still say that you are my friend when i'm with other people. i will still acknowledge that part. but to me, you are no longer my friend.

you broke my trust and you were the who broke our friendship. do not use all your supposed reasons to pass all the blame to me, when in fact i was wrong for trusting u too much. thank you for the friendship in that short span of time. i enjoyed your company. don't worry, i will still greet u on your birthdays.

this is the sign. thank you.

“The thing you are most afraid to write. Write that.”

— Nayyirah Waheed

Little did I know, the moment I had decided to become a rebel. Another trauma awaits.

within those 5 months, there was a decision i had to make. an unexpected situation wherein i wasn't supposed to do it and the guilt keeps beating myself up over it. i wasn't over it and i think i will never be over it. i was wrong, we were both wrong. we weren't both ready for that responsibility. and i am blaming myself for what happened. it was a hard decision to make, it wasn't easy, it wasn't that easy even though i knew that i didn't want it yet. i didn't want that to happen, but i was at fault. i was the one to blame, we were both at fault but i was too hard on myself. and i don't think i will ever forgive myself for what happened.

i don't think my reason was justifiable and valid bcause putangina hahahhaha walang kwenta ang lalaki. i was and still self-blaming, thinking i should be the one who stopped it from happening. i didn't know what to do, i was nervous when i found out. and the only thing that matters to me was you. yes, i thought abt you.. i was thinking abt you.. what would our lives be if i hadn't done this? will we be able to survive? but it turns it, he didn't want it. the moment he asked me to get rid of you, i agreed bc i was scared. i was scared for us. i was scared for you, what life will i be able to give you? i didn't know what to do, to survive and to take care of you. i know it sounds awful, i know, it angers me too.. i am still angry to myself for what i did. i suffered alone, mentally and physically. emotionally, ate was there to support me. i was crying the whole time it happened, from all of the pain. physically and emotionally. i was staying at ate's during the process. i couldn't eat nor stand. i couldn't drink another tabs since i was at pain already, and the pain won't stop.. i can't even walk or tell ate that i need pads again. i was wearing a diaper.. and every time i bleed, idk what to do but to cry. crying my heart out won't change a thing, but i still cry. ate and kuya were there for me. they were there for me as if i'm their child. they took care of me when i can't even feed myself.. idk if i should feel thankful that during those phase, i didn't get to think abt my acads since there's an event. ate kept on telling me that it was a choice i had to make and assured me that it isn't my fault, but i couldn't just accept it. and i've come to realize that.. maybe my body was responsing but not myself. my body agrees that i should continue, but my mind says the opposite.. it was hard. at least for me.. idk with him. idk if he feels the guilt, the never-ending 'questioning myself' every night. every single day wasn't worth to survive bc i thought of it.. and before things happened, he did talk to me and clear things out.. and turns out he didn't change his mind, i got angry and bawled to him in that saturday night. he didn't even stop me, hshwhhw fuvk you tnginamo. i was afraid again, unwanting this within me. i ran to my bff's house and decided to drink alcohol. i missed soju that's what i thought, i didn't think abt you. but the moment i was holding the glass that filled with alcohol, i backed out. i knew and was aware that i had you. but still, why did i get rid of you.. why did i do that?

as days went by, physically i was recovering but mentally, i wasn't. up until this day. i'm still in the process of telling myself that what i did was for our own good.. or was it for my own good? idk really, idk what to tell or even what i feel is valid..

can you hold onto me? take all of my worries away.. please?

these past few months has been a rough ride for me. i've realized that i am no longer myself, i kept on pretending that i am totally okay. i wasn't myself again. that situation kept on repeating on my head, that i have the will to hurt myself again at any time. which i thought was okay. pls, help me find myself again hshahaha. not to the things that I'm supposed and should do, but to have the courage to start again in finding my willingness without being forced by myself.

don't let me repeat what I did 3 years ago, you did well after and during those phases. be reminded that no one was there to keep you sane, all of them left you. all of them weren't there when you needed them. as they say, a friend to all is a friend to none. this is not just abt your friends, this is for all the ppl that surround you during those rough times. the validation, support, and acknowledgement weren't there. tho i do not blame anyone. i totally blame myself. when times get rough, i've always wanted to isolate myself and cope on my own, hoping it would save me until i get used to it. as i continue to live, there are days i could longer think of what will happen tommorow and how will i be able to cope and survive another day. i'm at my limits, i know where i should stop, i know that i can handle this again without the help of others. no one saved me, i only did. and i hope i will be able to save myself again, THIS TIME.

these triggers were affecting me, AGAIN. am i getting vulnerable again? or was i? i know that in any moment i might be crying my eyes out and venting in front of many people, that i was also affected. i want them to know that i am also their child, not in a way they want me to be, am i supposed to understand them over and over again? am i supposed to carry the burden and be their human shield whenever they want to fight for themselves? what about me then? how about my siblings who are affected and has no fucking idea what's happening? that was the time i was so vulnerable, i cried my eyes out just to say I AM HURTING. do i need to cry just for you to know that we are the most affected here? you are not supposed to give that responsibility to me because you are the parents... you are our parents... i was at my lowest point. i didn't get the chance to say and express what i want because i needed to be strong. i needed to act as if nothing happened and survive every fucking day just to show my siblings that there is no need to worry about. i want to protect them from getting hurt, from all pain. i am willing to experience all the pain but please not them, even tho i know that they will be hurt in some time but please, not now and not this kind of pain. just by thinking abt it pains me, what more if they'll actually experience it. it's humiliating to realize that i am getting emotional again, surviving in this household pains me. it doesn't feel like home anymore.

in this situation, i reflected on myself thinking i would be at ease after i expressed myself. i didn't get the chance to tell myself that i did well when i survived my midterm exams even tho i was in this rough phase in my life. during these 5 months, coping isn't easy. i am beyond thankful and grateful to my friends who are always checking up on me, thank you for being patient with me even though i wasn't patient with myself. even though y'all are also in need of a listener. i got you guys, always. a listener also needs a listener. i know how it feels bc i am a listener too, it's just that i don't have the courage to be a listener again and tend to isolate myself. i am working on it though, i want to be better every single day.

the supposed "home" wherein I feel the emptiness.

hihi, my safe space at lastttt!! 🥰🥰