I'm lost

Ok my ol man has 2 kids. 2 great amazing kids. I love these kids with everything in me. Like I love my own daughter. Here's the deal....their mom is a piece of shit drug addict who doesn't give a rats ass about these wonderful babies. Well all of a sudden she wants to be in these kids lives. (Hello it's close to Christmas she's looking to see what she can steal for her next fix) she's had no contact with these kids since like May maybe June. Well I've been taking care of them bathing them feeding them kissing boo boos you know everything a mother is supposed to do. I've been with them every weekend I've been with them most week nights and now I have no say in weather or not this "mother" should be able to come around. Does this make me sound like a jealous person or a concern mother figure who is looking out for the well being of the children. Cause right now idk how I feel maybe a bit of both. Maybe cause I'm the one that kisses them good night and I'm the one that gets those I love yous and I don't want her getting that. But I also don't want those babies to feel the hurt of when she back on the drug driving by their house not giving a shit about them and me wiping third tears away telling them it will be ok to know in a few months I'll be doing this all over again.

I'm so lost over this. How do I tell my ol man how I feel about this without making it into a huge fight? I'm just wanting to keep the bad out of these kids lives right now.

Glory dad's!

Ok so we all know one or have one in our life some way or another. For those who don't know what a glory dad is.....it's a dad who takes the glory of being a "good" dad. Gets his kid on the weekend pretends he does things with them. You know the glory dad. Well I'm here to tell you about my daughters glory dad.

He well I should say his wife gets my daughter every other weekend and every Monday. They pretend to do all these really cool things with her and take her to all these cool places that I don't take her to cause well let's face it I'm a single mother living off a single income.

Wellllll come to find out this glory dad doesn't do shit with his daughter when he is there he "grouchy" that's the step mom's term she churched it up compared to what I want to say but don't say cause I want my daughter to form her own opinions I want her to think for herself and honestly she will see when time comes and I don't want any influence on her decision. They don't take her anywhere cool unless you think taking her to a friend's house to watch her dad get shit faced drunk is cool. (I don't think that's cool for a 11 year old in fact I think it's teaching her irresponsible decisions) but anywho this glory dad doesn't pay the court ordered child support he is supposed to pay so that means my single income has to pay all the bills my mortgage payment ( thank God I was able to buy instead of rent cause rent is outrageous here) put food on the table buy her the things she NEEDS and everything else like gas and birthdays and Christmas oh and let's not forget school supplies. Heaven forbid he helps with that part cause he says that's what he pays child support for ( hahahaha nice try slick do you not think I get a statement each month telling me how far your behind?).

This year alone I've gotten 4 payments. Out of 10 months. That's $1,963 that I've not received. To some of you that's nothing to me that's a shit ton of money that's food on the table that's lights on for another month that running water in the warm home. Hell that's a house payment. That's a good Christmas for my kid. That's a lot of stress off my shoulders. But I'll not see that to help YOUR child with the things she needs.

So to all the glory dads out there please stop and think how it's harming your child/children. Child support goes to help them it's if to pay bills then damn it you know lights are on or the house is warm or cool or that they are able to take a bath every night. That should be the reason you are a glory dad.

This is new.

Ok so I'm having some things I'm needing to learn to deal with. ( Isn't that part of growing older? ) Well anyways instead of bashing ppl who I care about on FB and then letting everyone and their brother know about it I was told to blog. At 1st I was like WHAT THE? Blog? Thats not for me. I can't do it. Then I thought oh what the hell give it a try how can it hurt anyone if no one knows it's me (insert evil laugh here). So here goes 1st person I'll bash......drum roll.....is me.

I'm 34 years old I'm living in the past. Well besides being a old soul in this newer kinda coolish groovy body, I can NOT let go of my past relationships with just about everyone I have. Ahhhh here's the catch to this problem. I have met the man of my dreams I mean the cooooooolest cat there is. He's just damn near perfect for me. Hey I said for me.....no one is perfect but this dude is like the person I knew I'd fall madly in love with have that big dream wedding a cute little cottage house with the white picket fence and some of the most beautiful damn kids anyone has ever laid eyes on. Right.....here's the catch we're old..... we have child by different baby mommas and daddy's. We live 2 hours away from each other. I don't like it at all but he is the man of my dreams. He's a avid hunter which leaves me lonely a good bit of the cold winter nights.

Ok here's the problem I want to compare him to the one failed marriage I've had and to the one drug addict bf I've had. Is it fair to him.....hell no it's not. Is my mind constantly thinking what if or remember that time so and so acted that way. Guys this dude is nothing like the guys I've chosen to be with in the past. WHY AM I DOING THIS? Its making this relationship so much harder than it should be. It's making me slowly lose my mind ( or speeding it up .....I haven't figured which one yet.) It's making me lose this man....the man I love with all these weird fibers I have flowing through my body. The man I do want to spend the rest of my life with. The dude who I want to grow old with. The cat I want to to be the last man I'll ever have these feeling for.

At times I feel like I'm just gonna stop putting us both through this. Then I can't bare the thought of going on without him. There's times I know I make him wanna yell and cuss and throw things (but he doesn't.....he tries to talk to me about what is going on) and me being stuck in the past just wants to walk away leaving him feeling like he's done something wrong in all reality, it was me who done him wrong. I want to stop this madness I want the pain and memories to go away i don't ever want the flash backs to come back. I know it's not going to happen like that. But how do I shut it off how do I make myself stop from being the crazy bitch that's always thinking only bad will come? How do I get past the past?