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Working all day, sleeping all night
I’ve been so immersed in work I haven’t really had a second to think and check in with myself, or the universe. So this is me stopping myself to check in (as we all should from time to time)
I’ve recently noticed I spend way too much time on my phone - is this a form of escapism? What am I escaping?
Then, from this, I deduce that the simple thing I am trying to escape is work. I love my job, I love the people I work with, and I love everything that it is, but it is still fundamentally, a job.
I think it’s taking the piss we’re put on this earth to work for 60+ years to just die? We can’t take anything with us, so why are we trying to achieve an end goal of happiness? Why are we not focusing on the happiness that is right in front of us?
Personally I’m angry about the fact we work to die. Some would say, well.. change your job!
But the thing is, I’m not naive to capitalism and the world we live in. In order to have a fruitful life, a life of abundance, I need to earn money, which will in turn allow me to have happy moments. But right now, I’m working 24/7 and barely even have energy to see friends. 5 days of 11-12 hours working and 2 days spent recovering.
I just want to live and be happy. Be happy being, living, thriving in everything this world has to offer. Right now. Not falling captive to it
The struggle of trying to find a balance between working and living is REAL
So I sit here thinking well, knowing what I do about the world and the way it functions, how can I be happy, right now?
What is a way in which I can be fulfilled? Is it changing jobs to something I truly enjoy? I enjoyed bartending a lot. I loved speaking to new people every day, but, the unsociable hours left me tired and drained most nights.
See, I’ve always feared the future (for I thought it was a possibility that I wouldn’t ever achieve) but it’s all I can think about. What next? What’s going to get this fire started in my soul?
Say I concede to a life of working (for realistically we all have to) Is it changing career paths? Going into something that truly lights up my soul? Teaching kids? Music? Opening a tattoo shop? Writing a book? Saying fuck it and living a minimalist life?
Would a new city, a new perspective, help push myself into something I enjoy? Or is my work-life balance just off, here? Do I need to change variables detached from me, or within me, to help? (And as I write that sentence I already know the god damn answer).
Here’s to everyone who is just as confused as i am, and to finding out what the world holds for us
We got this though, we always do - everything turns out just as it should - the universe has a plan for us all
Peace n love,
Mads xxxx
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Crossroads
In life we come across many decisions, crossroads if you will, A or B, left or right, sun or rain.
Choosing which way to go, navigating this situation can be so bloody hard when you feel paralysed - you realise you’re just standing there, staring into the abyss
It’s almost like sometimes we’re waiting for a gust of wind to blow us in a direction, a storm to chase us, a stop sign, anything to help us choose which way to go
In reality, the decision is solely ours and ours alone. Every road leads to somewhere entirely different (each place being just as beautiful, just a little different).
Sometimes in life we bypass crossroads, or we drive straight through them and it is only upon reflection that we realise how fast we drove past them, and that they were in fact there - by this time it’s too late to turn back
Heck, sometimes we get T boned on the crossroad - we head for a direction and something comes along completely changing the direction we chose
The signs on each road can be big and bright but until we walk that road, we will have no clue if it is the right road for us, not until we walk that way (and for some time). We are quite literally navigating crossroads in the pitch black of night - aimless, hopeless and a little scared
But fundamentally - we are always moving forward. Small steps, if even by millimetres.
Forward is the only way we can go in this lifetime. Life is not endless, it is a one way forward movement until we inevitably reach the final destination
I feel as though I’m looking for a hitchhike to make the decision for me, to take me in the direction but it’ll just take me to the next crossroad and so accountability is a massive thing here, right now. It always is. Hitchhiking can’t take you to your destination, it will only take you further along the road - until the next crossroad (I’m not naive to this)
And so I guess I’m waiting for my gust of wind, my storm, my t bone, anything from the universe to show me I’m on the right path? You know?
Peace n love,
Mads x
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If you’re reading this, remember you have yet to experience some of the most beautiful moments in your lifetime
You know the moments you can’t help but realise this is it - this is a pure sunshine moment - I am disgustingly happy and content and excited to be alive - if you’re lucky, you’ll experience multiple sunshine moments - wear those rose tinted glasses and romanticise the fuck out of your life
If there is even a 0.001% chance of your most beautiful sunshine moment yet to happen, what a fucking beautiful thing to look forward to.
Please know there is light at the end of the tunnel, heck there is a whole damn disco waiting for you
After all, you need to remember that we have all made it through 100% of the bad days we’ve had. The night you thought you’d never want to see the morning? Yeah well you did. You lived through that. You are still here, stronger and more powerful than ever (even if you don’t feel it)
Some days we will lose ourselves. We will be wholly consumed by this world and feel overwhelmed. Fuck, we may even be in a state of forever feeling lost. But fuck it - being lost can be the most beautiful concept. This world is ours to explore, to experience, to appreciate. Being lost is just another way of the universe forcing you to say fuck it - surrender - flow with the universe - be beautifully lost - for we all are really
Remember - We don’t get a second chance at this life, this big ole adventure - this is it - live every day with purpose, with conviction, with passion, even if you are lost.
Life is too short to live with regrets. Be crazy, be fun, be you. Say fuck it more often. Do things that scare you. Push yourself to your limits, and go one step further. The best stories will come from you saying fuck it, I promise you. Live a life 90 year old you will laugh at
Mantra: reach out to humans in any way possible, connect deeply, love hard, laugh harder, smile so hard your cheeks hurt, flirt outrageously, get a little too drunk, get a little too high, just fucking live. Really live. I want to shake every single one of you reading this post n just say go for it. Live your best fucking life. Do the very thing you dream of at night. Why? Because why fucking not - this world is ours for the taking. Fuck it
Peace, love n fuck it mentality
Mads x
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The big things in life may not work out, but the little things always do
Not everything goes to plan, and that’s okay. After all, you can’t plan the only one certain thing in life - unpredictability
But the unpredictability is what makes us feel - really feel - if everything went exactly the way we wanted it to (or thought you wanted to) life would be mundane and boring - yes I will refer to Alan Watts - a dream of life (watch it on YouTube if you haven’t already) for the millionth time
You cannot control the way that things happen but you can change how you react to them. And so for the first time in my life, I’m reacting in a way of letting it be. Just completely trusting the universe to guide me. What is meant for me, will come to me; what is meant to leave me, will leave
And so, the big things may not work out quite how we wanted, but the little things in life still bring such happiness - we shouldn’t lose sight of this.
The little things tonight have been how beautiful the moon looks (go outside n look right now). Man she look BEAUTIFUL tonight. The moon always makes me feel so safe and warm. Knowing I’m a small little insignificant human brings me comfort - for it reminds me that nothing is ever that deep.
Another small thing that brings me peace, love and happiness at the moment is music. My god has music helped me through feeling all of my emotions. Putting headphones in, listening to the beautiful melodies n feeeeeling the words, and just being at peace. What a privilege I’m in a space where I have this facility to make me feel okay. I am receptive to music - my love language is getting sent songs. It just makes me feel so loved and thought of and it’s just a very nice little thing to me
I am forever grateful for so many things within this world. The music, the moon, the people. For it all has led me to where I am right now, right now in this moment.
And so, with the little things - we will be ourselves again. Trust in the universe and flow with every single high and low. For they make you the human you are right now.
Slowly emptying my cutlery drawer - taking time for myself - feeling everything - flowing with the universe
Peace n love,
Moo
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Let me explain what is going on with me, with the perfect cutlery analogy.
I am a cutlery drawer
Spoons = emotional energy, soul, peace
Knives & forks = rejection, sadness, people being mean n shitting on me, just bad vibes in general
Whisk = fun, spontaneous, fuck it vibes
So let me begin, we go throughout the day with a drawer full of spoons and hour by hour they deplete. Whether this be little things such as showering, having a phone call, making someone lunch, working, socialising, anything that takes any energy from you, we give away some spoons to every little small activity.
We give out most of our spoons throughout the day but really we should always hold some back for ourselves so that we aren’t spoonless - even if this is just the little teaspoons. Every day we whack the dishwasher on and our spoon drawer resets and we continue the same process the next day, and so on
Well, recently I have had humans dump a lot of knives and forks in my cutlery drawer to the point that I can’t even begin to see the spoons, even if they were there
My body feels so heavy (from all the knives and forks). I feel like it’s a massive task to even get out of bed, let alone be happy about it
And so I sit here, telling myself I need to stop ignoring my overflowing drawer. I need to slowly remove all the knives and forks (believe me there are some shiny new ones AND ones that haven’t been washed in the dishwasher) so that I can finally begin to see how many spoons I have left
Right now, it feels as though I’m in debt of spoons, I have no energy to even enjoy life, be fun, be myself. I just feel heavy n sad n just completely done with trying to feel normal let alone have fun with it ??? (By it I mean life)
I as a human enjoy collecting knives and forks because it’s fun and unpredictable. But I’m carrying way too many knives and forks for any one cutlery drawer. Am I just growing up and realising forks and knives don’t make me happy, rather the spoons n whisks do?
I’m living for the day that I wake up and my drawer is filled with nothing but shiny spoons.
If you got a spare few spoons, or a fucking WHISK!!!!! send them my way. I’d love that a lot
Basically I have lost the plot and will probably have a mental breakdown soon but until then
Peace n love
Mads
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What gets you going? What gets your soul excited to be alive? Is it love, money, people, things, the unknown? What is it?
Sometimes we get caught up within life (sometimes for weeks, months, years), and then the moment we stop to think about what really gets us going, we’re left here sitting in a car completely thoughtless. (By we I mean me)
I’m very good at distracting myself with the funny old concept of life, living.
I’m in a place within my life where I quite literally have a fresh start. And so I want to do it right, I want to feel ultimate happiness. I wanna excite my soul.
The first thing that comes to mind, is to travel. To explore. To experience so many different things, cultures, places and people. I want to completely immerse myself in something that isn’t what I know.
And then I draw back to the unknown. I am completely drawn to the unknown (maybe that’s why I love Alan Watts’ philosophy so much).
What is it about the unknown that I love so much? Feeling powerless? The chase?
Because both of these (powerlessness and the chase) don’t actually excite my soul, they occupy my mind in the short term, but they don’t make my soul come to life.
And then I realise, people make my soul excited. It isn’t where I am, I want to travel for the simple fact I have excited my soul as much as I can, in the place that I am. I want to escape the prerequisites that exist within my life, here.
I come alive through other people. Through sunshine souls. They make me excited to be alive. People can be fascinating and beautiful and wholly lovely in general.
And then from this, I wonder why I close myself off to so many humans (for no one really knows me - they know the human I present in front of them) - do I like learning about different humans in hopes that one day this is reciprocated? Or do I learn about them to distract from someone knowing me deeper? Am I protecting myself from it all?
Love is lovely. In all forms. For example, I love my best friend Erin more than anything I’ve ever loved, ever. Friendship love is so overlooked. Romantic love is cool but that woman listens to ALL my bullshit and loves me harder for it. Big up moo - thank you for being you
Twin flame theory
A twin flame is an intense soul connection, sometimes called a "mirror soul," thought to be a person's other half. It's based on the idea that sometimes one soul gets split into two bodies.
Do I believe in twin flame theory? Heck yeah, life would be boring if we were sceptical of everything.
I sit here wondering many things about this theory - do we know instantly? Do they stay in our lives forever? Is a twin flame a romantic connection? Do you live happily ever after?
Imagine having a connection that intense you feel as though you’re the same soul?? Whew. That shit is crazy exciting. Maybe I’ve met mine, maybe you’ve met yours. But there’s that fucker of life getting in the way of realisation sometimes too. But I have so many questions!!!! Like do twin flames know it’s each other? Do they care? What happens next? God so exciting. It’s all so fun to think about isn’t it???
Honestly I’m just rambling at this point. I’m feeling very stagnant and like I need to do crazy shit. So - give us a bell n I’m down for it. After all, memories will be all we have someday.
Peace n love,
Mads xxxx
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Coming out - Come out from where? Normality? Is that what this phrase is supposed to imply? This concept is super interesting to me - I’d love to hear ur thoughts on it too
I just watched a video of a human coming out to their parents (it was a beautiful video as the parents accepted it with pure love and support) BUT as soon as the words came out, they started crying. Tears that felt so familiar
And I, along with so many other humans had the exact same reaction.
After saying the words, I burst into tears. Tears of relief, guilt, and just pure confusion?? But like why? I remember feeling SO guilty and so abnormal. What a fucked up way to feel for literally fancying someone - it simply is not that deep. Why do we put so much emphasis on the traditional way of life? Surely the perfect life is just ultimate happiness?? The perfect life is not all about heterosexual sex, marriage, kids.. etc. loooool come ON - we all gotta have fun, being and doing anyone we want to
Coming out can be bloody scary but also, why are we letting society condition us into having to come out?
My favourite colour is orange, but just like my sexuality, this doesn’t really make any difference to anyone ever? So why does it have to be announced to be accepted (if accepted at all)? This may be news to you, but this isn’t a 21C revelation, people have fancied whoever the fuck they wanted to, for an eternity. It was just all kept on the DL. Open ur eyes, people connect with who they connect with. Biology can’t stop that
So I sit here questioning the way of the world, empathising with everyone who hasn’t said their truth out loud.
We as humans can take active steps in helping other humans to feel comfortable with being who they are. And in turn, the world will come to accept normality (and the new self-owned definition): being whomever you want to be and people just minding their damn business
Abolish the concept of ‘coming out’ and watch the world be filled with so many happier humans!!! We don’t come out as straight so why for any other sexuality?? Answer me that
Peace n love (love is love)
Mads xxx
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Instant human connection - evolving into our truest form
There are very few moments in your life where you will meet someone and they just exude pure, golden energy. The universe has a funny way of showing you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it. Trust the universe !!!!
When people feel like sunshine, learn from them. Be vulnerable. Let them show you a new way of being. It may be the exact thing you’re missing. That’s precisely why the universe puts these energies into our lives - to learn from and to help us evolve. My inner circle of sunshine souls have all made me the bloody good human I am
God there is nothing I love more in life than meeting people that you just have that instant connection with - knowing they’re going to change your life, for the better, forever (even if they’re not physically in your life forever - the impact they have upon you is)
Our energies are fundamentally made up of humans we have surrounded ourselves with. We take the best parts of everything that we have experienced and incorporate these moments/people/memories/mannerisms into our own personality
Isn’t this just beautiful? This simple fact means that we as humans will forever be evolving, and for as long as we surround ourselves with sunshine energies, we will be evolving into just the best versions of ourselves
And so this is a thank you, to everyone that has came into my life and made me who I am today.
And with the positive, comes the negative. You have to trust me when i say there’s been a lot of bad energies within my lifetime, but life is about navigating this very fact and acting accordingly (learning to distance, remove or ignore anything that doesn’t just bring your soul pure happiness).
Being vulnerable with your energy doesn’t mean you have to share ur energy with humans you aren’t fully connected with, or humans that do not reciprocate the same energy. You own your energy, you choose where to place it. You are your own keeper. Remember this and I assure you, you will find your happiness and PEACE
So I guess here’s to forever evolving in this beautifully unpredictable world
Peace and love,
Mads
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This is gonna be a bit of a raw post so if you’re reading for the good vibes I’d advise skipping this one kids
Sunday sadness
I am currently sat with a face mask on, hoping with every little fibre of my body that it will stop me from just breaking into tears (which is okay of course, I’m just very exhausted and don’t have the energy to cry right now)
Life can be a fucker sometimes eh? I’m 23 with no real idea what to do next. And by next, I mean the future, but also ... tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.
I have spent so long sitting with my brain (and listening to the philosopher Alan Watts) trying to let my body flow with the universe and accept that the unknown, fundamentally, is the most beautiful thing that can happen, so I should embrace it. But, I just really don’t feel it right now
I guess I just feel a little lost, a little unlovable and a little confused about life - I KNOW I’m being dramatic but like my brain is just not cooperating with me today lol
I feel so utterly exhausted and drained and I would very much like to just press the pause button for a while.
I’m trying to shake the sadness off before I let it pull me under so don’t worry too much about me if ur reading this !!
What makes me happy? The little things
The little things in life really do remind us of how magical the world (and the people in it) can be.
Life is about the little things - the little things we do as humans make such an impact. Tie this in with the butterfly effect - we can be powerful little humans - use it for goodness and spread positivity and peace and love and light
I saw an old man sitting by himself today and so I went over and complimented his motorbike (I have absolutely NO idea about them) and he said that I had made his day. If that is all it takes to make someone’s day (I know I can be just as easily pleased as the old motorbike man, I’m sure you are too) then I say let’s make everyone’s day, every day.
And so I am sad, but I am not letting the sadness in to stay. I am sitting with the emotion and letting it pass through me.
If there’s anything I can do to brighten ur day, let me know and I’ll try my best! I may be sad right now, but being nice feels nice and maybe that’s just what I need to lift my funk xxx
Anyway, here’s to the unknown. To the massive adventure we’re all on, together.
Peace n love,
Mads x
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Happy pride month, big emphasis on the happy!
Here’s a message to all of you for feeling how you feel, loving who you love, fancying who you fancy, n everything in between
What a beautiful time to be alive - where it is becoming more accepted to just be whoever the fuck u wanna be !!!
Let me remind you about the banning of conversion therapy in England - a law just recently passed - whew. I once thought about undertaking this course, when I was a younger, confused, angry at myself little bean. I look back and feel SO sad that I ever felt in this position - shame for literally fancying someone of the same sex. How fucking crazy?? Like people are inherently beautiful, why on earth do societal norms make us feel like it’s wrong/different? And so, the banning of this process will stop the horrific ordeal that so many humans have felt they needed to undertake. What a time to be alive. One small step in the right direction I say kids !!!
Well I say fuck it. Life is too short to fit into any box. We all here for a good time, to be freeeeee humans. Don’t let any fucker tell you that your sexuality is wrong or different purely because it isn’t the same as their sexual preference.
You are valid, you are seen, you are loved. You are so loved for being exactly who you are. If someone can’t fuck w you for your sexual preference then they are not a human that deserves your energy
Here’s also a little big up to all the little humans that are not yet out. You’re still valid, you’re still loved, you’re still you. Everything in your own time. Flow with the flow of the life. Everything pans out just perfectly, I promise.
Happy pride month beautiful humans. Here’s to a lifetime of being happy, being you and just being free. Here’s to happiness and love.
Peace n love,
Mads xxxxx
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Romanticise your life
We are all here for a good time kids. Put those rose tinted glasses on and have a laugh
Life is too short to get caught up within the complexities of life. Let go and live
Be vulnerable, be authentic, be happy, be anything you want to be
Life is about the little moments of happiness, many little moments lead to massive moments. Look for the beauty in every day and your entire life will be something you look back fondly of
Open yourself to everything life has to offer, the ups and the downs. When ur 80 n look back, u want to be proud that you lived every moment for all that it was
So I say, with the good and the bad, life is something to experience. Feel every moment and flow with it
Don’t be afraid to protect your energy, cut people out of your life that don’t make you feel utter happiness 24/7. You have a choice who you surround yourself with, let it be sunshine energy souls
Here’s to living every day, to letting yourself be surrounded by the purest humans, and to just letting yourself be a happy soul.
Peace n love, always
Moo
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Checking in with myself - letting the light in, after so long of repelling it - laughter is good for the soul, when you finally open yourself to light - but only when you’re ready (I’m aware that this can take years)
Well kids, I spent time for myself tonight, focussed on increasing my frequency. Took myself on a bike ride to get the good energy flowing, went for a pint with my best friend and now I sit here laughing at my phone. At little things: texts from friends, videos online, pictures, everything. Full belly laughs
I am filled with happiness from the little things, I remember there was a time that I couldn’t gather the energy to smile, let alone belly laugh at my phone.
God I feel so light and free. I feel like a new, happier, free woman. This is the destination I spent so many nights wishing I would reach, just to feel aware of the world and allow myself to feel happiness and laughter.
Mental health can be wholly consuming on the dark days/weeks/months/years, but take time to check in with yourself when you catch yourself smiling and laughing. Sit in that moment and appreciate it. For without the darkness, you cannot appreciate the light. Yin n Yang (get it tatted on u so i know it’s real)
I never thought I’d be in this position, just filled with so much happiness and peace and love. I am proud of the human I have become, and am evolving to be. I have so much space within myself for more - I’m a vessel ready to let so much more light in
So this is me checking in, letting myself appreciate the light, after so many years of darkness.
Here’s to you finding, appreciating and sitting in your own happiness. For it is bloody beautiful. If you’re not quite there, keep going. The light is at the end of the tunnel, I promise you. And it is the most freeing and beautiful thing ever
I wanted to say thank you to everyone who helped me along the way, to everyone who picked me up, to everyone continuing to be sunshine souls within my life
Damn, I sit here and deep my younger self would be so damn proud of the woman I am. Whew. I wish I could tell little me that it really does get better n not to spend so many days stressing about being in the darkness!!!
Peace n love, and laughter
Let the light in
Mads
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Sunshine soul
Stay close to people who feel like pure sunshine - for these humans can be hard to come by
I’ve noticed that recently I’ve surrounded myself with people who radiate pure sunshine energy and my mind body and soul are thanking me for it
This world can be so cold and lonely at times, it’s an unavoidable truth. But rather than letting yourself be cold, stay close to those who keep you warm - in any capacity - best friends, lovers, family, strangers, anyone!
A human connection can be as magical as you make it, so let yourself wear the rose tinted glasses. View the world with nothing but peace and love, admiration for every little thing. It becomes a warmer world, I promise you. It helps you to understand that life can be so bloody beautiful when you let it
And so, I say, surround yourself with people that big you up, make you laugh, feel loved, feel safe, feel warm. Happiness can be made through the smallest of acts, become a warmer energy yourself!
There are billions of humans out there, don’t be afraid to step back from humans that may not always be the warmest of energies. Protect your peace, look after yourself and wear those rose tinted glasses.
So, I want to say thank you to all the pure sunshine souls in my life, thank you for being you and warming me up, especially in times I thought I’d feel cold forever
If you’re reading this, reach out to those who make you feel warm. Thank them. Let them know that you think they’re pure sunshine. It is just the best compliment ever. Be nice, be vulnerable, be wholesome!!! Life is too short not to just be lovely all the time!!!!!
It’s peace n love, always.
Mads xxx
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Sexuality - discovering who you really are can be a bit scary, trust me, I know
Whew where do I even begin on this topic?
I begin with stating that I’ve never liked labels, I have never wanted to categorise myself and put myself into any kind of box - for I am fundamentally a free human bopping about on this wonderful earth, searching for sunshine happiness
You’re probably reading this, knowing that I find both men and women sexually attractive and so what can she really write that will help me? Either you feel so lost or so hidden it won’t relate? Well trust me, I was there once. For a very long time (I’ll come back to this later as I’m still a little lost/hidden)
My journey so far
I spent 18 or so years of my life in the heterosexual box - I had momentary steps out of the box before 18, however up until that point I was a firmly self labelled heterosexual
As I started discovering more of this universe, I started to discover more of myself (for i am the universe, the universe is i)
Feelings towards women started out as superficial and unattainable - fancying celebrities (namely cara delevingne and Megan Fox whew u still sexy boo’s) - and this was fine - for everyone looked at women with admiration and so I felt ‘normal’
But there comes a moment in your life (and if you’re lucky enough, you get this multiple times throughout your life) where you meet someone, and you can’t help but feel like you’re exploding inside, real life fireworks, and you don’t have even a second to think about the gender of the person - this is the push I needed to pull myself out of the box I had put myself in
Now, I am a woman who loves who they love, a pure sunshine soul, falling in lust/love with other sunshine souls
God it can be so daunting to flow with that initial push, but trust me, it is liberating. It is freeing. It is everything you imagine it to be: exciting, scary, unknown, alien, the list goes on
My view on life is that it is too bloody short to limit ourselves, in any capacity. And so to let yourself feel fireworks is just what this is all about. I’m not here to be a bystander of this world, I’m here to appreciate and experience every single little thing
There will be times you feel like you are SO lost, not ‘normal’, and completely consumed by the social constructs of this world but you really do just have to say fuck it. Fuck it and be exactly who you ARE to just be so infinitely happy. If being ‘normal’ is suppressing who I am, I don’t want it
Navigating relationships that are different to you can be bloody hard. The unknown. The power dynamic. The sex. The talking. The whole damn game.
And you see me, being exactly who I am, being happy - but remember it was a bloody long journey to get here (one I am still walking). The way I see it is, there is no final destination to your sexuality, it’s a long ole journey. Sometimes we walk, sometimes we stand, sometimes we run - it is an infinite continuum.
Something that recently came to my attention to help people who may be going through a sexuality crisis was a TV series, the Bold Type (namely the character Kat Edison). This series helped to show a humans’ journey for a moment within their fictional life - but bloody hell did it feel like I needed this 10 years ago. Kat embodies everything I wish I could’ve when I was younger - she loves who she loves - she finds love, she finds herself, she falls, it all is there. And this was the first time I felt really truly seen. Rather than seen as a ‘phase’. It made me feel less alone in this world - knowing someone, if even fiction, had gone through the same experience as to what I once did
My advice?
Run, run into the direction your heart is calling you along your journey. For we all trip up sometimes but bloody hell even that can be beautiful when you’re running towards who you really are
Not everyone will agree with your life choices, but that’s okay, not everyone likes Brooklyn 99 - but it’s still a bloody good TV show?? You know?
The moment you start living for your own truth, your own heart, your own soul, everything works out. It just does. I can’t explain it. The universe looks after you a lot more than you think, trust it.
And so, be vulnerable, be fluid, be free, be happy, be you
I know it can be hard to fight with your own brain, but give up. Give up fighting against your brain and completely immerse yourself with the flow of life.
Lost/hidden truth
I say I find men and women sexually attractive, but the real truth is, women spark the fireworks in me that I can’t explain, men simply do not have the same affect on me. I can’t explain why really (you’re probably reading this like, yeah because you’re a lesbian??? - well no, to close myself off to different genders would be premature) - this also applies to all other genders of course.
I am free, I am running towards who I am, stumbling sometimes, but smiling. I am insanely happy with the human I am. I love myself. Truly. Every single part.
I hope you learn to love every part of your being too, for it is the most beautiful thing. We only get one chance at this kids. Be true to yourself. Be vulnerable. Be you. Be happy. Be free.
Peace n love,
Mads xxx
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Listen to your mind, body and soul. Check in with your energy. Is this all a facade? (Vulnerability)
It’s 23:21 as I start writing this, I sit having a cigarette (or two) unable to sleep - I have been trying since 9pm and if you know me, you’ll know it’s very out of character for me not to be able to sleep and so I write this as a reminder to check in with myself as I can feel my energy being a lil off tonight.
You can only receive energy your body is open to receiving - and so I question why I am craving vulnerability, excitement and change within my life?
I remind myself that I am a human entity that craves excitement and change - a lifestyle that is currently unattainable - or is it?
I feel restricted and bound by this capitalist society and I can feel my entire being folding under pure frustration. I want to really live. I sit here aimlessly scrolling through social media, hoping to invoke a fire - I should know better - the fire is mine - Be my own damn fire! After all, social media isn’t a fire, it’s a mere picture of a fire.
What is it that excites me? I guess this is the real question here
Human connection - nothing makes me feel more whole, complete and vulnerable than connecting with a fascinating soul. I bloody love learning about people. Humans are fucking fascinating - I think I’ve been neglecting this because of the routine that I have currently put myself in (after all, I can’t keep blaming capitalism, I am choosing to be another cog in the wheel - for now). I miss the beauty of learning about pure sunshine soul(s). After all, they develop who I am as a human too.
I find it hard, really hard, to connect with humans through social media / mobile phones. Because how can you capture the true essence of someone through a device? You just can’t. I guarantee you, I am different to my social media presence (those of you who have met me, will all agree). But I sit here deeping that I am also restricting myself to physical human interactions because of feeling too tired/drained. Maybe this is the push that I need to just say fuck it and just do it - make the effort, make the road trips to see some divine humans (after all, I really do need to leave kettering for a bit, I can feel it closing in on me).
Do you know what I really find fascinating? Small talk.
I don’t know how you do it, 24/7. There is nothing more liberating than a real conversation. God damn I miss being completely surrounded by someone’s energy, captured entirely by their essence. So many humans put on a facade these days. Be vulnerable. It’s THE most beautiful thing, I promise you. There is nothing more wholesome than vulnerability.
So my message to myself, to you, to the universe is to be vulnerable. Leave your comfort zone. Paint that painting for someone, sing that song to the world, send the music that reminds you of someone, buy that purchase you’re not sure people will love, quit your job, message people you’re thinking of, meet with anyone and everyone, start completely again, talk for hours, re-design yourself, get that haircut, be your authentic self!!!!, do anything that threatens your own vulnerability.
Let yourself be vulnerable - we have nothing to lose, not really. So here’s to vulnerability in every aspect of life, for it teaches us so many things about people, ourselves, situations, everything.
Peace n love, with a little dose of vulnerability
Mads x
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Overwhelmed
Whew kids I’m feeling super overwhelmed today, more specifically right now.
I’m sitting with this feeling to try and let it pass through me. For all vibrations deserve the respect of being felt.
To try and understand why I’m feeling like this, I’ve decided to try and deduce exactly what is going on in my overwhelmed brain
Overwhelming sense of:
• Stagnation - I have been in the same town for pretty much my entire life - I am getting an overwhelming sense of wanting to explore more, see more, do more, be more. I’m feeling very clutched up, as we all are, as a result of the lockdown. I feel caged and it’s sitting with this emotion I realise I am ready to see so much more of the world, every corner, the people in it, everything
• alone ≠ loneliness - learning to sit with myself and coach myself through emotions that would normally be distracted. It’s healthy, I’m learning more about myself than ever before. But it is very overwhelming, let me tell you. It has taken me 23 years to be able to sit with myself, and realise being alone is the most beautiful thing sometimes. I get to focus on loving my entire being!
• the size of this big ole world - it can be super overwhelming for my little brain - I get waves of anxiety about how big the world is (I know it is silly) but also so exciting?? What a journey we are all on and on so many different paths. Learning to accept that paths may cross rather than be adjacent has been the biggest lesson of mine recently. And this is okay - we all just trying to find ourselves - and that doesn’t necessarily need to be in sync, or together. But my god, working out what path you’re on is pretty overwhelming - learning to let this go, and let be. We don’t need to be guided, one foot in front of the other is all we need right now - planning ruins the essence of life and its unpredictability
• constant online contact - social media and instant messaging is overwhelming my brain so much. I’m finding it hard having to connect 24/7 with humans online, which leaves me pretty much drained for real life. I would love nothing more than to throw it all away and really live. Live in the moment, in person. I’m very much a ‘enjoy the vibrations and energy whilst I’m in someone’s presence’ , rather than through a screen. So maybe I need to be selfish in this regard
• learning to say no - it’s been very overwhelming saying no to so many plans because of being busy, working, or just feeling totally energy drained. I usually never say no, but I am feeling so overwhelmed that it seems to be my only answer at the moment - this is okay - learn to say no to protect your energy
• expecting to have it all together, all of the time - I am so inherently lost, and personally, I love it. I love the unpredictability. It adds a certain essence to life that is unable to be captured by planning - however the expectations of others for me to have a plan, a motivation, an idea to what I want to do, be, feel - whatever you want to call it - overwhelms me. Let me just float about, it’s in my nature. Letting this flow through me for SURE.
Honestly I’m just chatting shit at this point - my brain honestly feels so foggy. It needs a bit of a energy shift I think. In what way? I’m not entirely sure as of yet. But I do know I need to go out and live, and I mean really live. I need to smile and laugh and explore. My brain needs its release, too much energy built up without an output is taking its toll
I think I’ve realised writing this, I just love human connections so much, that being trapped having most of it behind a phone screen is messing with my energy. The new way of life and human connection is just overwhelming me a lot
Peace n love, always
Mads x
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Exploration of myself - something I’ve not written down for the world to see in a while.
As I sit here looking up at the stars, I am reminded of how insignificant we are as beings.
But this poses the question, are we insignificant, or are we merely all just lost within this beautiful world - insignificance not even applicable?
If you would’ve asked me a year ago, I would’ve said yes... we are insignificant compared to the stars. We are all here floating around, not really making much noise. But ask me today and I say, we are all significant. So significant it hurts my entire being sometimes. We are made from stars, and so I am here looking up at myself, reminding myself that we are SO significant to everything and in every way.
Interconnectivity of us as humans is a fascinating thing to me. Human connection has a bigger impact than I think any of us can individually even begin to comprehend.
After all, we are merely made up of those we have surrounded ourselves by. We pick up little pieces of every human we meet, listen to, watch. That is who we fundamentally are.
And so I remind myself the impact of me as a being. I am always evolving, we all are. But this is the beauty of life!
What I wish my younger self knew:
• Everything, and I mean everything, happens for a reason. Let go, let yourself be wholly consumed by the concept of the unknown
• it is okay to be lost - this is where you find the best pieces of yourself - certainty doesn’t mean happiness, in fact it can mean the opposite - if you are so sure of something and it changes, then what? Planning can consume your being and create expectations which are unattainable
• life is short - live in the moment. Absorb the energy that is surrounding you and if it serves you no positive purpose, let it run through you, and let it go
• your viewpoints will change - accept this, and ask questions. Educate yourself on the topics that interest you
• actions have consequences - it’s inevitable that every step you take, the earth vibrates with you - don’t be naive to this
• keep moving forward - we are all moving, changing, evolving ... don’t try to resist this, use it to your advantage and keep it moving forward! Let it shape you
• validate yourself - stop trying to find validation everywhere but yourself. You are the only individual that gets to be with yourself 24/7 - make ur brain a nice place to be
• try to keep yourself open - closing yourself off to human connection only means that you are remaining stagnant - keep the connections flowing - it will bring you happiness - explore your sexuality, explore your gender, explore everything that comes your way
• be aware of your vibration - focus on keeping your vibration high, eat well, read, date yourself - you want to be vibrating at such a frequency that the people you attract only bring you higher - it is okay to lower your frequency from time to time, but remember it is not your job to increase theirs - be a little selfish in this regard
• listen to music - explore artists and genres you wouldn’t usually listen to, you’ll surprise yourself to what keeps you happy and feeling light. Music will save you in times you had nothing else to remind you that it’s going to all be okay
• it is okay to be alone - you do not need another human to validate your own existence. You are so worthy of love, give it to yourself, always. Share your heart with yourself - be wholly consumed by love that you exude it whenever you surround people
And as I sit here under the stars, 30 minutes later after starting this post .. I feel lighter. I feel at peace. I feel re-centred. Find the thing that makes you, you. And do it. Keep loving yourself, keep trusting in the universe and it’s unpredictability. You will find that this is the most beautiful thing about being alive. The unknown.
So here’s to the unknown. The journey that is “life”. Let’s just give it a bloody good go, what do u say?
We are significant. We are loved. We are in the here and now, totally consumed by unpredictability.
Peace n love, always
Mads x
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