playing spot the newcomer is easy because they’re the mfs who censor everything

I’m HOLLERING

THIS OLD LADY CALLED US AND SAID “I had a temper tantrum at the library :/“ and I genuinely didn’t know what to say so I asked, “what’s wrong?”

And she says apologetically, “well I THOUGHT y’all had seven books on hold for me but it was only one...but I wouldn’t listen and insisted y’all had seven so I’m afraid I was quite rude.”

And I said something well meaning like “well, we all live and learn, right?”

And then she proceeds to tell me that she called her best friend and confessed, “I’ve made a fool out of myself at the library :/“ and her friend said “no, you were a bitch at the library” and she said, “you’re right, I was an ass,” and then told me that best friends aren’t afraid to set you straight and that she’s been friends with her since 1964 and then oh my gosh and then she said “yeah they’ll call you a bitch but don’t worry, they still love you. I know now not to fuck with the library.”

And she talks like my nana and I’m trying to stifle my laughter and I said in my best stern voice “well now ma’am, I don’t want to seem like I’m encouraging this behavior, but I suppose we can let you check out books again, IF you promise not to cause a ruckus a SECOND time,” and she replied “oh I don’t need encouraging! It comes naturally!”

DON’T FUCK WITH THE LIBRARY AHXKSUCKSJXSKS

I love that heidi klum, international super model and tv personality, was like “I’m going to be a worm for halloween” and went for the most horrifying hyper realistic version possible and was quoted saying (in said worm outfit) ‘I want to put a smile on peoples faces’. ma’am I am gagging but I love that for u

people who think kids are stupid have clearly never once had to attempt to get through explaining a set of safety rules and expectations to a group of them. lawyers wish they had the falcon's eye for loopholes, technicalities, and potential exceptions that the average 3rd grader possesses.

listen to me. listen. your actual job in life, and it sucks that your 5th grader teacher didnt explain this adequately enough, is to ask for help when you need it and to accept charity when it would take a weight from your shoulders. Otherwise you end up like Sisyphus- or even worse, Walter White

People who think sheep are killed for their wool are so hilarious to me. Does your barber slit your throat whenever you get a haircut?? Are you a returning customer to Sweeney Todd? Lmao it grows back, fools.

Nice.

I’ll never understand why anthropomorphic animal cartoons like Robin Hood and Zootopia will go to the trouble of creating character designs that are meant to be understood as “attractive” or even “sexy” to the human audience but explicitly avoid showing interspecies romances between anthropomorphic animals. Why is THAT weird but, like, trying to make rabbits recognizably sexy-coded to humans isn’t?

This is Money Freddie here to bless you with good fortune this November

ha?

every single person who reblogs this

every

single

person

will get “doot doot” in their ask box