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08/04/23 here kitty kitty
I write as a way of venting. Usually on paper then once it’s all out it’s ripped to pieces. Idc if no one reads it - it’s therapeutic for me.
Two years ago this week, Hubs was invited to a Chicago Bears game by one of his brothers. No worries, even though I had plans because it was his first birthday since we got married. I’m used to my feelings being disregarded so no biggie.
Anyway……
I have always been terrified of covid. Life seems to have gone back to almost normal but for those of us that are severely immuno-compromised, the struggle is still very real.
Papa was going to decline the invite based on my fear alone but like a dumbass, I told him to go.
He promised three things:
1. To social distance
2. To wear his mask at all times and
3. To come straight home afterwards.
If I had known who was driving, I would have kept my mouth shut and let him decline the invite.
The game ended… one hour, two hours, five hours. No papa. Turns out, he was sitting in a bar full of cooties.
He finally showed up WITH COMPANY, and drunk. He came into the house to grab some beer and I told him to end his night. He knew that if he didn’t come home after the game, he’d have to find somewhere to stay for a couple of weeks. Not a problem if he chose to expose himself to getting sick.
I told him to ask his company to leave. He said “you do it.” And went outside. Seriously? Challenge accepted.
I went outside, didn’t even look at his company and said “end your night now, come inside.” This was an A&B conversation.
Then one of his brothers got stupid and started insulting me.
Because of my 30-years in customer service, I enjoy going off on people when I’m off the clock. It’s liberating. If dude thinks he somehow upset me, “nah bruh nothing you said got to me.”
Dude completely misunderstood my fear of covid, accused me of being “jealous of bitches.” As someone who has a mom, a wife, daughters. sisters and nieces - plus loves to walk around with a bible under his arm, I was surprised that he would use that word. It’s not in my vocabulary because I find it super disrespectful. My husband’s not a cheater. Stupid ass couldn’t be more wrong. Fear of death and jealousy are two very different things.
I hear he walked around telling people what he did, acting all smug and proud. He told me he knew every cop in town and would have me arrested. I said it then and say it again: “do it bitch, do it.”
I probably called him a bitch 100 times during his attack. It felt sooooo good!
The one thing I’m sure he hasn’t said to anyone was that at one point, he got up and came at me like he was going to hit me. This is when papa finally reacted and jumped up and got between us. WWJD, stupid ass?
He should have let him hit me. I promise he would have gone to jail that night.
Man I’ve never wished for a loser to hit me so much as I did that night.
I kept telling him to leave, to get tf off my porch and he actually told me he didn’t have to because his brother paid for this place. Lmao dude. I hold my own and then some.
I kept my mouth shut for a full year. Did I expect an apology? Nah losers like him don’t know the word.
He told me he was going to “make” papa leave me just like he made him leave his ex. He’s so full of himself, actually thinks he has that power.
I wonder if he ever looks around and notices the empty chair where papa once sat. I’m still waiting for him to fulfill his threat. I wonder if he’s realized who the real loser is? I haven’t lost anything, so there you go.
I’m not well. My dream is that one day soon, Maddy comes for me - I will bounce so quickly and won’t look back. I’m hoping that papa never forgets what his dumb loser ass brother did and that he keeps his distance. Karma is a MF and he’ll get his one day. Watch.
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07/20/23 Earl and Maddy
My friend Earl was a diabetic. He went through kidney failure and passed away while waiting for a donor. he’s been gone oh… i dont know … 7-8 years?
We went to school together in the 90’s. Worked at the same company in the early 2000’s. Lost track of each other. His mother Annie always told him when we were about to come back into each others lives.
He found me on fb and we talked here and there until someone posted on fb that he was gone.
I considered him a good friend, a brother of sorts. I think about him if I drive past his neighborhood which isn’t often.
This morning, he was in my dreams only… I’m not sure if it was a dream.
I was in his house, talking to his mom, Annie. She’s been gone for a bit now too. She was laying in a fold out bed and told me heaven was beautiful but she was tired and needed a nap. I got up and walked into another room. Earl came in and sat down and started telling me how nice it is to not be in pain, how beautiful heaven is. Suddenly a girl with really pretty blue eyes walked in. He introduced us and I said it was time for me to go.
I told him I couldn’t understand how I was walking (bec of my bad hip) and he said I was going to be ok to walk home. He said he had a surprise for me, that he had met someone in heaven that really wanted to see me.
Suddenly, Maddy walked in. Omg you guys, in the almost 5 years since Maddy’s been gone, I’ve only dreamt her a handful of times!
She walked in and hugged me tight. I said goodbye to the blonde chick with the pretty blue eyes who was sitting sideways on a love seat and had taken her shoes and socks off.
Maddy held my hand as we went down the steps. Earl followed us and sat on the stoop. I asked him for a hug and he said he didn’t want to so I said: “what if this is the last time I see you? Won’t you feel bad for denying me a hug?” So he got up and hugged me tight, told Maddy to take her time walking me home and that he’d see her back in heaven. Maddy took my hand and we started walking and I woke up.
I dream of the day when she comes to get me and we’re together forever.
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01/06/23
My first “serious” boyfriend, Javier was always obsessed with me. My parents couldn’t stand him! Especially my dad.
He grew up on a ranch in Mexico and never went to school so he never learned to read. My dad told him that if he learned to read he could marry me (perfect sense of humor, dad)
Things didn’t work out so I broke up with him. He went through an experimental phase and I didn’t date people that did drugs. I’m a control freak and would never allow a substance to run my life.
Whenever I went to Mexico, he would park himself near my in laws house and would follow me when I went out. If I went out alone, he would approach me and demand that I get a divorce and marry him as he learned to read and my dad promised him my hand 😜
I haven’t seen him in 30 years but social media has created a platform for him to continue trying.
We were fb friends for a while but he sent me an inappropriate message and his wife was insulted (because I said “idk if you disrespect your wife like that but you are certainly not doing it to me ) so she unfriended me on his profile. No love lost, I consider him an old friend but have no romantic feelings towards him.
Now he has started sending me pictures of himself which is hilarious. 30 years don’t pass in vain and he honestly looks just like his father lmao.
In case you’re wondering, my stud muffin husband knows all about this and finds it funny
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12/18/22
The last couple of weeks have been excruciating! Waiting to see my new oncologist, getting ready for the holidays, missing Maddy to the point of insanity plus the new hip thing.
To say that I am exhausted and mentally drained would be an understatement.
Then one day I was deleting emails. I came across one from Ellen about her 12 days of giveaways which she still did this year even though her show is over
On this particular night I pondered on why tWitch didn’t take over the show when Ellen no longer wanted to do it. I thought about his ever present smile and his dance moves. I loved hearing his laugh - it was contagious.
The next day, we were driving to an appointment when the news started popping up everywhere. He was in my thoughts at 330am and we were hearing about his death on our way to an 11am appointment.
I never met him but I followed his career and really enjoyed his dancing. As someone who loves to dance but can’t because of limitations, watching others do it makes me happy.
Now I’m sitting here scrolling while papa sleeps. Every other Reel is of tWitch or him and his wife dancing and I feel so overwhelmed I can’t even.
Depression you guys is a son of a bitch. My mom tried to take her own life several times. I never understood why she wanted to leave us.
I take a look at tWitch’s story and it makes no sense. But that’s how depression : mental illness is. No rhythm or rhyme.
I was diagnosed in my early 20’s and I can say the struggle is very real. You put up a front, smile and pretend to be happy while your are miserable, lonely and so very unhappy.
I choose to keep playing even through all the medical shit and the constant pain. No judgement - we all choose our own path. Still, tWitch is laying heavy on my heart and mind.
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5/4/21
38 years ago today, I said “I do” to the wrong guy. We were 17 and pregnant and NOT in love (at least I wasn’t.) the ceremony was in the town hall of our hometown in Mexico. He squeezed my wrist so hard it hurt but he knew I would run if I could because he knew how I felt (or didn’t feel.)
I married him because I grew up with the most amazing dad and couldn’t say no when he proposed because I felt my kid deserved to have a father (boy was I wrong!)
10 years, 6 children later (4 with me 2 with two random chicks), August 1, 1993 (10 years 2 months 28 days 37 minutes later) he left. He gets mad when I say that after the birth of my kids, the day he left was the happiest day of my life.
We stayed married for 30 years 27 days and 37 minutes because he was a cheap MF who wanted me to PAY half of the divorce. I refused on principle. Giving your kids a $20 target card for Christmas every few years does not constitute child support you guys.
Finally, his chick needed immigration papers so he decided to pay for the divorce in order to help her.
I don’t regret marrying him because I wouldn’t trade my chicken nuggets for the world but to say he is a loser and a half is sn understatement.
For years I tried to help him mend fences with our kids but the last straw came at Christmas, 2020. (I hear from him on major holidays, Mother’s Day and my birthday). He told me how excited he was that his first grandchild was days away from being born.
His FIRST grandchild?!?!? What about OUR 7 grandkids? Asshole. I’m so done with him.
Plus side, I married the man of my dreams, the best grandpa my babies could have, in March but that’s a story for another day.
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07/05/2020
7/5/2020
Went out for a little bit yesterday but I had to come home because Kodey got really upset. I am so immuno-compromised that if I catch covid it’ll mean a one way trip to Maddy.
Deciding to have a kid all by yourself has its perks. No dropping off / picking up/ worrying about where the kid is when with the other parent. No arguments about the decisions you make etc. It also carries a lot of responsibility.
Kodey’s donor was one of my best friends. It was not romantic. He offered to be a part of his life but I said it was cool. And it was. And it still is and always will be but the plan was not well thought out because I am his only parent. The anxiety of losing me has to be insane.
So I got home to a terrified dog who pee’d every time she heard a pop. I spent the evening trying to calm her down and cleaning puddles. She refused to go outside.
My one stupid child (obv not Kodey) drank a full bottle of wine and decided to let me know who threw the cereal in the garbage when they were little among other random things including how her kids tore up her vagina. Yeah all I wanted was a nap.
So Mr Man stayed at the party when I left, come home short of 4 am. I get hangovers when he drinks like a fool so I took meds proactively planning to avoid the headache but it didn’t work. Fuck.
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#OhMaddy 05/23/2020
I made some bomb ass chilaquiles for breakfast. My back was killing me so I decided to lay down for 5 min since I had things to do before work.
I fell asleep.
In my dream, I was laying in bed with Maddy but she wasn’t alive. A voice at the foot of the bed kept telling me to talk to her, so I did. Suddenly she turned sideways and opened her eyes.
I hugged her tight and told her how much I loved her. Suddenly, she was fully awake and trying to get up. I said “honey you’ve been in bed for too long. Don’t jump up like that.” She looked at me and said “I’ve been in bed too long mama time to get up.”
She jumped out of bed and ran down the hall hugging everyone she ran in to. I lost her. Couldn’t find her so I thought for sure it had been a dream but Kodey said he had just seen her and that she had hugged him too.
Suddenly we’re in the hospital and Maddy is being wheeled into a room tied to a stretcher. The nurse says: “ calm down mom she just had an MRI but we had to relax her because she wouldn’t stay still.”
From the stretcher, Maddy says “yeah mom. I’m never leaving you again. Calm down!”
Then I woke up.
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#OhMaddy 05/23/2020
I made some bomb ass chilaquiles for breakfast. My back was killing me so I decided to lay down for 5 min since I had things go do before work.
I fell asleep.
In my dream, I was laying in bed with Maddy but she wasn’t alive. A voice at the foot of the bed kept telling me to talk to her, so I did. Suddenly she turned sideways and opened her eyes.
I hugged her tight and told her how much I loved her. Suddenly, she was fully awake and trying to get up. I said “honey you’ve been in bed for too long. Don’t jump up like that.” She looked at me and said “I’ve been in bed too long mama time to get up.”
She jumped out of bed and ran down the hall hugging everyone she ran in to. I lost her. Couldn’t find her so I thought for sure it had been a dream but Kodey said he had just seen her and that she had hugged him too.
Suddenly we’re in the hospital and Maddy is being wheeled into a room tied to a stretcher. The nurse says: “ calm down mom she just had an MRI but we had to relax her because she wouldn’t stay still.”
From the stretcher, Maddy says “yeah mom. I’m never leaving you again. Calm down!”
Then I woke up.
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12/27/2019
10 months, 12 days since Maddy went to heaven. Life is a shell of what it used to be. I am ALONE. I can’t overwhelm Kodey and everyone else is doing their own thing. I will never understand why this happened. I can’t sleep and when I do, it’s not soundly. I wake up then remember the nightmare then realize it’s not a nightmare - it’s my life. I don’t wish this on anyone. Hope the shrink calls soon so I can talk to SOMEONE. Maybe it’ll help? I have no idea.
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OhMaddy
June 13, 2019
Two days short of four months since you died. My life is a movie... and everyone’s watching.. I’ve stopped posting on fb. Not because I don’t need to let it out but more because I am alone and my grief is no ones business but my own. Still. I miss you so much mama i dont know what to do.
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OhMaddy
Today is 4/2/19. Maddy has been gone almost 2 months. The simple act of living has gotten unbearable. My mom took a bottle of pills whenever things didn’t go her way. She made me feel unworthy and unloved - not good enough for her to want to stick around. I will never do that to my family but I can say I am completely dead inside. I am living a life I no longer want, bidding my time until it’s time to be with Maddy. Only then will I be complete. Her 17th birthday is on the 18th. A life cut short way too soon. I wish God would help me understand but I think he’s checked out. No footprints in the sand bullshit either.
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My worse nightmare came true. Maddy took her last breath just before noon on 2-15, 11 months to the day of her heart attack. No parent should ever have to bury their child.
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Oh Maddy
It’s 3 days short of 11 months. The horror that is my life in unbearable. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined my life would change so drastically. Maddy is home now but her progress is slow to none. My heart is completely broken. The pain of living is getting to be too much but my biggest fear is that something will happen to me and Maddy will wake up and not find me so I dredge on. Living a life that no longer means shit. I am alone. So very alone.
Chachie pretends to listen but never does. “Don’t worry honey, I’ve got this” and “I’m sorry honey, I forgot” go hand in hand.
My kids are living their lives. Well, except for Kodey. He is with me always. Never complains helps all day and watches all night. He is my rock.
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Oh Maddy
Went down to surgery around 845am. Sat in the pre op area nervous as heck. Kissed her, said goodbye and was taken to the waiting area.
Once they gave me a pager, I left to find something to eat. Pager went off within 20 min. This was supposed to be an hour long surgery.
I returned to the waiting area to find the surgeon waiting for me. She escorts me into a private room.
“We started getting her ready, put the breathing tube in and suddenly her heart stopped.”
No parent should ever have to hear those words.
“We did cpr and got her back within a couple of minutes but we’re canceling the surgery.” But now she has the fucking breathing tube in her throat again. How much more are they going to put my kid thru?”
Suddenly, I noticed she was gagging on her mouth guard. I run out and ask a doctor if she can get a nurse to come check her mouth guard and she says: “I can’t right now I’m busy but I’ll get someone to get your nurse.” Shift change is at 730. This happened at 945 and I still don’t know who her nurse is because she’s “busy with her other patients.”
I’ve said it before I’ll say it again and I don’t care how cruel it sounds but idgaf about her “other” patients. I only care about MY CHILD.
I am screaming inside, trying hard to not explode. I don’t know why this happened. It’s so unfair
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Oh Maddy
Tomorrow is maddys surgery. I am exhausted. Very little words to say but a whole lotta faith to hang on to.
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Oh Maddy
Today we were moved out of ICU. Her new room “out on the floor” is tiny. I’m having an issue with claustrophobia. On the plus side we have our own bathroom and I can now shower without interruptions.
I asked where I could get some water but I was told that since Maddy is in isolation they’ll just get me whatever I need because they don’t want me outside of the room. Um... okay....
I can’t wait until this is all over and we are home. I know it’s going to be a challenge but my poor baby deserves to be with us and not in these tiny walls.
I feel so alone even tho I’m surrounded by people. My heart hurts soooo much! I wish I could predict the future.
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Oh Maddy
Funny how God works in mysterious ways... breathing tube out and my baby is doing it on her own. They stopped all but 1 medication. Blood clots are almost all gone (1 left) and they think that taking her arterial line will help resolve this.
They are giving her oxygen for support, but even that has been lowered little by little and I have no doubt even that will be gone soon.
Maddy was more responsive yesterday as far as her opening her eyes. A respiratory therapist told her to cough and she did, immediately.
We’re baby stepping but I’ll take it. God is good all the time, all the time God is good. I have no doubt my baby will come back to us soon.
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