ten am thirteen minutes January fifteenth Sunday 2023

Going down fast. Talking might help. Brace yourself for the morrow will be difficult - to put it euphemistic. I am on borrowed time, friend. Feels as if we have been so ever since we came to be. And That is not the lack of object permanence talking; it's the truth. It is healthy to grief, you keep on telling me. Grief the house we built. And oh boy, did we build. But now, authorities are to tear it down. And with it, I. Lady Lazarus, as it goes. The game is stale. I felt every emotion in the last spam of minutes and cannot feel a thing now. I can see them all grinding swirling in there yet I am far away. All I ask is let me not be a bad company. For her, at least. Sometimes, in the least. It seems the well is bottomless. Nearly three decades now and Down down down it goes Am I to arise at the other side of the earth where people walk upside down Insomnia makes me more sensitive to delusion. But I couldn't sleep even if I had the chance. They are coming. Every minute that goes is one minute gone that I wish to keep. But, no. Object permanence will wash it all away and leave me in the quicksand. There is nothing left in me. No tricks, no will. Wish you were here

check out that brain🌻

woke me up today by Talking instead of Shouting. Next time ill double the dose and maybe, just maybe, it will wake up silent.

Sunday moon, dreary.

The dust had time to settle thus I have come to report the extremely vivid hallucinations I had the few hours after his birthday had begun. About two I lay down to sleep; Thereafter I heard persistent knocking at my window pane. About nine times or so, twice. I did not count. In fact, it all felt so real I just tried my best to keep my temper. The first time it happened I got extraordinarily cold, shivering for a good five minutes. Turned the music up. Smoked a cigarette. Calmed myself down. Then, it happened again. Promptly I got myself out of bed and played the piano until it was bright outside. The whispers, not so uncommon (incessant, annoying hallucinations), seemed to repeat "open the door" and such. Quoi qu'il arrive. Today I had the postcard afternoon of what life could be had I been not plagued by a myriad of soul illnesses. My parents went out for a walk and I asked to be brought. My sister rode her bike and I took my roller-skates and ukulele. I played and sang and rode the skates until I was nearly passing out from the sudden burst of energy in my so often reposed corpse. The moon was bright as ever (even if not full) and there were families and colors and kids and friends playing together. It all felt very surreal. No doubt, I still couldn't stop to rest due to the fear meter above my head. Eventually my path came across my sister's and all was well. - Life could be worth living. I aint got the tools. Maybe next time. Farewell and Goodnight, to all that's pure that's in your heart. 12522

Afternoon tuesday

I am always hovering in dreams. Flying, in walking motion. As if I could step over the energy in the air -or slide -sometimes. I used to lose control of the gravity of it all and just float upwards until it woke me up. Hasn't happened very often these days. Those are always my favorite dreams. To float and be powerful. Powerful just enough to flee from evil. 2911

Twenty-to-two AM.

I can never quite tell in the spectrum of depression when is it comfortable. Every-time I spiral down I forget how it felt to be "well". Yesterday was a bust.

I dragged getting out of bed for as long as I could and yet woke up at midday. Got myself into a situation where I had to drink cheap beer and spent the rest of the afternoon passed out. Now I'm not sure if I'm hangover still or is it the menstrual cycle acting up, or the depression.

Regardless, I feel empty in soul and boiling in flesh.

Thought Id talk to you for awhile to numb the pain.

I hear my name being called out, now and then, at the back of my mind. Last night while smoking in the garage I heard some kids passing buy talking about getting more drinks once they got wherever they were headed and it made me think of who she really is. Wont explain, couldn't if I tried. But this made it clear how the voice impersonating him is nothing but that. A figment of my imagination. It talks all day long, mostly when I'm by myself.

Soon it will be the Year anniversary of the last time I heard her voice.

Help me keep the barrier up; I will meet you in the end.

2911

♠ Tuesday, 4pm

Nov 22nd He befell in my dream last night, after months. I was having a lovely dream about falling in love with Chris character, from skins. There`'s no point describing the romance right now. We met at a gathering at mutual friends house and so on. It was the end of the evening, C. took me to a party and left my side to get us drinks. I leaned back against the wall, somewhat secluded from the crowd to smoke a cigarette. Before I even had the chance to light it this man sprung from within the dancing youngsters in my direction. He didn`t feel like he belonged there. Something about him, his energy radiating anger towards me.

In a blink of an eye he pined me to the wall, left hand up the height my neck - right hand, height of my waist. I screamed at him to let me out, tried to push him away but he was stronger than me. Quickly tired myself out and noticed his clothing was that of His. Striped blue & white shirt, brown jacket. It all felt familiar. I looked up at his face in confusion and he said "it's me" - or something of the sort. But it wasnt His face. It was similar, yet deformed. Hard to describe. Similar hair, moustache... But it wasn't Him. I asked him about it. He said he couldnt kiss me, that I had bewitched him. Binded him. That he missed me and this was the only way he managed to come and see me. I felt proud and smiled. Said I never knew it had worked. He smiled sadly... I woke up in a gasp.

Nov.17th

Just for the sake of being the devils advocate: the little wins always go unrecorded: flipped the mattress yesterday and upon waking today i finally dont feel like wet cat food.

back to our usual program-🧟‍♀️

Im so weirdly hungry all the time, it seems. It occurrd to me that it might be for energy hence never feeling full after meals. well, too bad. i aint going out there. no thnx

also, fun fact. I had the silliest dream tonight. The spaces in my window bars were larger and a small wherewold jumped in. it was a lil girl. she was scared out of her mind and i tried to calm her down but she just ran away into the kitchen and layd down udner the table. once she was asleep i got my phone to take pictures & moments after she started to change back to normal her hair (white) got brown her skin also bluish white got human golden and so on. clearly im not qualified to write fantasy. but o my it was fun. then the day broke and i went around the block searching for her parents. there was a zoo i think actually just cows and horses etc idk things escalated into surreal very fast and i woke up eventually

Not so fun fact: it is now six am. ive been awake for a long time. the god forsaken summer sun is rising before five now. what good is it this massive light in my window so early on if i dont even live near a beach? urgh.

hazy days ♧

thursday, nov17th 0am fifth day starting now depression hitting me hard cant focus have no will to do anything eating properly still weak every muscle aches mind is static no sad thoughts simply physical pain slept sunday-monday-tuesday wed came to desk chair still extremely tired wed afternoon cleaned room tidied house shower 3clo effect lasted a few hours lovely nap 6pm-9pm woke up burnt out once again guess all is left to do now is wait out the fog ps. small mental symptoms such as irritability house/body looks ugly notice only bad parts -been on this ride far too long- can recognize its merely symptoms. does not make any of this less annoying, if anything: more.

Nov.10th ♠ 11am

Grey water white sky snakes in water silence canoe Doppelgangers dont intereact to leave hard not to hallway 2m floor the dark realm Stand too long transported -second time faster, and so on Had a girlfriend asian black bun yunjin kim - man brown moustache harold perrineau kind of skinnier than lost Beast made canoe stop seemed why snakes surrounding she said romance! Doppelganger used love instead of surrealism ¡ opened my eyes she bit my hand off woke up

Nov.7th ♠♥ 6am

Good morning, sunshine.

I have finally woken up before the breaking of dawn. Thanks to mothers lil helper two hours ago. It is some past five in the morning now. In fact, that✨ would be the reason why I've decided to bring back our letters. There wont be much to talk about, let me just clarify this upfront. I have been in perfect solitude in this attic for nearly a year now.

Significantly, in the first world I shall remain rational at all costs. In ours, allow me to tell you: something is not right. Perhaps you could put my mind at ease. Considering my lack of memory permanence, i couldn't quite say how long this has been going on. Ive tried my best to ignore it all and am succeeded most of the time. But when i do fail, its pretty scary. My mind has been crowded these days and I cant hear you anymore in there. Maybe talk through here?

I have been feeling him constantly now. Whispering, touching me even. It began small. Far away whispers and faint tastes in my mouth and nostrils. Then, it got harder to ignore. My cigarette burn ached twice, be one yesterday. No, im lying. its not painful. Although im not exactly qualified to distinguish pain from pleasure. But it feels warm. Fire burning under the skin. That feeling from placing your hand above a lit candle. Inside. It doesn't hurt. Felt it in my left foot way too many times. Didnt think much of it then. Actually pictured grandpa. He always jokingly said he would pull my feet when he left. The Wound ached a few times as well. This one hurt. Yet I concluded it was probably bad blood from keeping my arm in a weird position. Haven't felt that in weeks. Could it be frustration? He does have one just like mine, i suppose. Suppose that it is like mine. At Fall I used to wonder if he was projecting pain into his wound and it accidentally fell over mine. Or purposely. That night (a year ago) I was extremely medicated but heard him tell the girl about his scar. That i was with him when he did it and he -didn't care at the time if he died-. Could be he was just trying to impress her. Could be that i imagined the whole thing - for he also said i was his best friend. Yesterday i felt it in my chest. The night before, in my right hand; I was reading and the feeling stopped me instinticly, as if someone was holding my hand. Every-time i feel the hot spots i push it away. This time i did not. I was weak. Its understandable.

Usually it works. Last night i failed and started to hear loud whispers so i drugged myself to sleep. Learned to accept defeat long ago. I fear to get overly nervous and never go back, as happened that summer i lost my home. Deeply do not fancy another coma.

The night i felt my hand being held, as well: I gave into doubt and asked the spirits about it. The card they gave me was the King of Swords. I cant fathom it, not really. Yet it felt concerning that upon asking if he was trying to communicate with me mentally that is what they said. The king of Mind. Right? Well, they also gave me the Sun. I am safe and the sun shines down on me. Besides, knowledge is always a good thing to receive.

I dont feel anger, in these messages. Is worth mentioning. Just longing. But O life is so much simpler (and emptier) without him. All of them. Help me, will you? Help me keep him banished.

Yours truly, lily

ps- Felt guilty about giving you solely concerning info; The sky looks pretty and white today. Have a look!

interlude

June27th (before noon)

The plastic ceiling in my grandpas bedroom fell down this morning shortly after i awoke from the noise of it threatening to fall. Lily ran away and I got up to try and fix it but it fell down all together. All of it. Over me.

One hour or two descending into dissociation (im downstairs at this point) in my old bedroom floor i slowly laid down on the carpet.

Not long after I heard a child scream in the distance.

A little boy.

-Mom, get up! I cant find your pill! Mom -blabbering- get up NOW

NOW -blabbering- NOW etc

it got me freaked out bc even tho the voice was far away it was so clear.

Never before a sound hallucination has brought me joy.

Dear diary,

Heather told me she teaches people -real life-. She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, You teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, You're beautiful.