Coming Sweet Pea

I had a mental 'ah-ha' moment. I am only as good of a mother as I try to be.

Hear me out. Growing up in the 90s, early 2000s was weird. My parents really didn't know what the fuck they were doing. And fuck did it show. Which brings me to my point, my mother always had the phrase "fake it till you make it". I have never really understood how damaging that phrase is until just recently. Fake it till you make it really makes light on people pleasing qualities. I'm fairly certain there are underlying undiagnosed mental disorders that run in my family. My brother and I joke all the time about my dad being autistic. My oldest brother, we will call him 'Brian', he might have a touch as well but being the "Dr" that he is, I'm sure he's figured that out for himself and already has it working in his favor. Now I am nowhere normal. Not even in the slightest. I have ADHD pretty sure, social anxiety, depression, pretty sure binge eating disorder, and BPD. Needless to say, the mental stability does not run in this family.

Why is it easier to talk about all of this stuff with you, but not with my family? Great question! My parents love doing this thing were they ignore feelings, re-enforce weird structure and then huff and puff that "I did everything for you and this how you talk to me" cry me a fucking river. I'm a parent now. And the only joy I get from my child is seeing her grow into the person she wants to be. Everything I do is with selfless love behind it. No parent is going to get a trophy for taking care of their child. That's is what a literal parent is.

*breath* .....ranting. Do you see what I mean by unresolved issues?

If you are new here, I have this issue where I go on tangents. I do my best to stay on topic.

So what does this all have to do with my ah-ha moment? I'm getting to is, just trust your Motha!

We take what happened in our childhood in our adult life. Some change it, some their life changed them, and some stay stuck in it. What I mean by "I'm only as good of a mother as I try to be" is this simply. Try. Try to understand your kinds interests. Try to have patience and listen and understand their words. Especially when they are younger. I have learned through my life of dealing with people that most problems are issues of communication. When I sat back and tried to understand why my daughter was having a tantrum, I was able to actually get her to calm down and explain to me the best way she could what was wrong. To me, that opened up our relationship. Something that happened today. As I was sitting here typing to you lovely babies, she is asking me for help with her tiger.

Back story. My daughter is VERY smart. She can figure things out pretty quickly and learns fast. What I have discovered in all of this is: IF YOU GIVE HER THE TIME OF DAY TO SHOW HER SOMETHING THEN SHE CAN ACHIVE A LOT MORE ON HER OWN.

The reason for my screaming isn't for any real reason other than I wanted to just yell it out to the world. I figured out how to apply "teach a man to fish..."

She asked for help with her tiger and I always help start her projects but never do the whole thing for her. I want her to know she has my support and love but she is getting big enough to handle a lot more on her own. Seems kind of harsh, but we are talking about air model clay with picture instructions for kids her age. Not laundry or space science. You should see the look on her face when she showed me her tiger.

That is what I love about being a parent. Seeing your child be excited and proud to accomplish something that was once impossible to them. And I didn't do it all for her, I just helped her on a part that she needed me. Guidance can be gentle and given while being structured and firm.

This isn't some blog to lecture or tell someone else how to parent or whatever. I am simply telling myself that I am doing everything I can for my child and her needs. From what the experts say, it's good to let yourself feel the good. This is me feeling the good.

And weirdly enough, it's healing me. My inner child has been given some time and space.

I don't spoil my child with things. I chose to spoil my child with experiences. Zoo? Yup! Big hikes? YUP! Trips to towns over? Fuck yes. I want her to grow up having memories of road trips with mom and dad, summer vacations, and lazy days at the pool. I want her to live her life while she can right now because once responsibilities hit life speeds up.

Be well my babies, and rememba, Motha always loves you,

-Motha

Go Ahead, Tell Me About Your Day

I guess the best way to start this is an introduction. All through out school they teach us about writing papers. MLA format, no more than 12 front...blah, blah, blah snore snooze. Can you tell my strength in listening? I blame the obviously undiagnosed ADHD that I have that every doctor told me was a "mild" problem and that exercise would help. My point. Introductions good, rants bad. I am choosing her to not provide my name. I want to maintain a sense of mystery mainly for my own personal reasons that I'm sure we will get familiar with.

Hello, I am 29, female, mother, and mentally unwell.

Why mention being mentally unwell? It's simple, see my therapist told me to start journaling. Welcome to my "journal"

I feel calm in writing as if I am telling someone something. It helps me process my ramblings in my mind. So, you my friend will be my thearpy. I hope by my open (mostly) sharing into my mind, that it gives someone (or not) sense of kinship. Often we feel alone in a huge world, and I mean in the sense of on the inside. It's not easy to explain how being empty feels. The best way I can describe it is this: I can never seem to find something that I want to do every second of the day. Okay, so. You know how people think all day long about how they can't wait to go fishing. They LOVE fishing, to the point of getting expensive tools and bait to be able to catch the perfect fish. It's their church. That. I want THAT. Not having that has left a hole somewhere in my soul. Now, I'm not saying fishing can be compared to feeling empty. But things drive people, and it made sense in my head.

Something I want to elaborate on here. I am a mother to the best human being on the planet earth. She is the greatest 5 year old. Even when she drives me crazy. My child is the reason why I smile, why I wake up to the day, she makes the world have some sunshine. And trust me, the world from my view is total shit. "Why doesn't she fill the hole motha?" My daughter wasn't born into this world to fix me. My daughter was born into this world to be the best version of herself she can be. I am the only one responsible for my well being.

I am a pet motha as well. My dog is better than people and I would LOVE to fight someone on that. My cat is a brat and spoiled. Animals keep the world running in my opinion. We need to take better care of the creatures on this earth. Because I want them to out live us.

I obsess over music. Right now I'm listening to Darius: EASE YOUR MIND. I'm TELLING you that Nu-Disco on Spotify is *chef's kiss* immaculate. Music is everything to me. It's how I process my own thoughts. Things make way more sense with a soundtrack anyway.

I am a stoner. Dealing with social anxiety and metal health takes it toll to the point to where I smoke to help deal with my stress and demons. I often have the best mental reflections while on my patio. I do not condone underage usage of anything. It should be legal to use in the correct states, and other illicit drugs I refuse to use. Pot is a fucking plant and everyone smokes it so stop crying. If anything, let me roll you one and we can talk about it. You might feel better tbh.

I want to make the world a better place but I don't have the skills to get me there. So I figured the best place to start is on myself. If I can add some positivity to the world by simply just writing then cool. And if this falls on deaf ears, at least I am working on myself.

Love you sweetie,

Motha'