….

the negative thoughts i once heard at the front of my mind were shoved into the back of my head, leaving a dull ache in their wake. the self-deprecating voices were screeching whilst falling on deaf ears. the ache blossomed into a migraine, reminding me no matter how far the voices were from my hearing, that they would always be a faint whisper into the night of unresolved issues and shameful feelings. my ears are ringing as i lay, insomnia gnawing at my brain as i try to breathe ~ 4-7-8. my chest tightens as my breaths become shallow, air nipping at my lungs and stinging my throat. unshed tears rest, yet never fall as i blink hazardously, begging to rest for once. the memories, the nightmares, of past traumas and muffled sobbing makes way in the dark to my mind. the remembrance of lonely nights coats my body with chills as i pray to fall asleep. the loud hands on the clock strike 2 a.m before i know it. the reminder to wake up early long forgotten as i lay still, inviting the depressed-stricken thoughts back in. crying out for help, but not able to speak. begging for the tears to not leave my eyes as i return to the reality of pain and anxiety. help. help me. please. my mind couldn’t scream any louder now. someone please help. i can’t escape the dark cloud that has loomed over my mind and soul. i can’t escape the screaming voices that are begging to destroy me. is this what it’s like to feel lonely, to feel abandoned? am i supposed to feel the overwhelming shadows of my troubles, as they overlook me where i lay? i can only take so much, can only feel so much. the numbness i’m so used to has eased up and the forgotten emotions i had pushed to the side are rushing back, knocking me down and pinning me to the ground. my cries for help are louder now, almost too loud. ~ stop it. this isn’t right. you’re over exaggerating. you’re being selfish~. they’re so loud now, exerting their voices to be heard above my wails. my throat feels raw even though it’s not been used. my eyes puffy and swollen with unshed tears. my chest tight and restricted by short breaths. it’s getting to be too much. i can’t think or speak. i can’t breath or move. i can’t do anything. i’m paralyzed as i listen to the darkest depths of my mind, telling me i’m unworthy and good for nothing. the fight and hope i once had in me has diminished to a small spark, soon to go out as the cold feeling washes over me. i can hear the buzzing getting louder and i clutch my chest, eyes frozen wide as they’re stricken with fear of my own mind. my heart thrumming a fast pace, too fast to catch up to. my breath uneven as if i ran a marathon. all my insecurities of being annoying and incompetent have settled in the forefront of my head, reminding me once again how much of a burden i am. the depression that once felt like a scratch has started to itch. the anxiety that once froze in my blood stream has now rushed through me at an unfamiliar pace, keeping me on my toes and bringing me down. i stumble in place as i realize the severity of the beaten down thoughts running throwing my body, chilling me to bone and stinging my skin. i feel it now. the haze sent over me as if to protect me from my own self-hatred. the lightheadedness and fuzzy feeling is now diminished. i feel stoic and stuck, scared to move in case it restarts the process of my attack. i lay still once more, twitching and blinking as i try not to relive the state of panic that had gripped my body so quickly. the insomnia i once felt has been replaced with a melancholy feeling that leaves my eyes droopy. i’m not at peace yet. i will never be at peace, but at least i can sleep. i can rest, as for now i am left alone with no more voices or heavy breathing. i’m alone. finally. - l.j.