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Well, after 3 years, it's finally over.
I went to the sentencing last Saturday. During the whole legal proceedings, I didn't attend because
1. I was not called as a witness, but my parents were, oddly enough
2. My sister didn't want me to go because it would be harder for her to speak about what happened.
Of course, I understood - but it was difficult for me to not be there for her. Thankfully, her boyfriend was there with her and I'm just glad she had someone. But I can understand where she is coming from. If the roles were reversed, I would have a difficult time having my family there explaining everything and reliving those moments. For a while, I had to grapple with the feelings of being an inadequate older sister, especially since I felt like I failed to protect her back then.
The whole process was super frustrating and anxiety inducing, so I had to really suppress my feelings during the whole thing, mainly because I wanted to focus on my sister and my family. But now everything is over, I feel... very depressed.
That day went by really quick. We went to the courthouse - me, my sister and her boyfriend, and we were both full of anxiety the whole time. Once we entered the building, it still hadn't really hit me how real everything was. The entire time, I had no reason to be in the courthouse, so this was my first time being there for this case.
I was told by her advocate that we could say statements before the judgement handed down his sentence. It was 15 minutes before the sentencing. My sister reassured me I didn't have to, but I said, "Yes, I want to," immediately. I took out my phone and wrote this up:
"My name is ___ and I'm the older sister of ___. I am also a former student of ___. After I had heard the news from my sister, I was heartbroken and devastated. ___ taught me, my brother AND my sister. Growing up, I had full trust in him because he was my teacher, and when you're in a vulnerable and impressionable position, there's no other conclusion to make but to trust those who are supposed to guide and protect you. Not only has he failed and broken my sister's trust and dignity, but also mine. I trusted him fully to protect my siblings once I left middle school, and I am heartbroken that this is the outcome.
[Addressing him], I looked up to you and respected you and I am so disgusted that you did this to one of the most beloved people in my life. As an older sister, I thought I had failed to protect her, but as time passed I realize it was YOUR responsibility to protect, guide and serve, and you took advantage of your position to hurt not only my sister, but our family."
The court room was smaller than I expected, not the grand and large ones that you see on TV. There were a few folks on his side, no doubt from his church community or family. I couldn't help but wonder what they thought. Did they think he was innocent? Do they think he did a bad thing? Do they think he's worth God's forgiveness? Do they have any sympathy for our family and what he's done to my sister?
It doesn't matter. He's guilty and deserves to be punished.
It was just the three of us, and her advocate on our side. My sister's lawyer was very kind and down to earth. There were also a couple folks there too, I think one was in training and I'm not sure who the other person was, but they wanted to be there for the sentencing. I was glad she had all those people on her side. They treated her with respect and care at all times, and I could tell they 100000% believed her. Meeting them made me feel so relieved that she had people like them on her side.
I finally saw him come in handcuffs and prison clothing. I couldn't look at him. I only glanced at him and couldn't bring myself to fully look at him. I felt instantly sick. I felt like the world was falling on me. But I still held my sister's hand and looked straight, not allowing myself to cry - suppressing my emotions as I had done all these years.
The proceedings began. Each side presented their side - her lawyer introduced me, her bf, and my sister. On his side, the lawyer had everyone on his side introduce themselves. There was a good amount. I briefly wished we had more people on our side, but it didn't really matter. He had already plead guilty, and I wouldn't want my parents to go through any more pain and stress they already had by testifying.
We were given an opportunity to provide statements to the judge. My sister and her advocate walked up, and her lawyer read out my sister's statement. My sister stood behind her lawyer and her advocate, and I could see her visibly shaking. I had to take a deep breath. I couldn't cry yet. I didn't allow myself to.
After her statement ended, the judge asked if there was anyone else wanted to give a statement. I stood up and I instantly felt like I had tunnel vision. All I could see was the prosecutor's desk and the mic I had to speak into. Her lawyer whispered, "Here, you can use this mic so everyone can hear you."
I pulled up my note I wrote 15 minutes before the sentencing and took a deep breath, and it felt like that breath lasted forever. And I spoke.
I started out confidently, as if I had practiced, if I had been sure what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. I even was able to make eye contact with the judge as I read it. When I got to the part where I addressed the coward directly, tears instantly flowed out of my eyes. My voice broke, and my vision dimmed. All I could see was my phone, and my now shaking hand as I struggled to get through the rest of my statement.
"Thank you." I managed to look at the judge one last time. I turned around, and sat down.
Me and my sister hugged, we were both crying. "I love you," I said, through my tears. I couldn't stop crying. "I love you too," she said back. She was still shaking. I held her hand for the rest of the proceedings.
The judge asked if the defense had any statement to make. His side stayed silent. They had wrote letters in lieu of a verbal statement. Sometimes I wonder what was in those letters. Was it full of Christian sentiments? Talking about how good of a person he was? Did it really matter when he did such an egregious thing?
The proceedings continued after the statements were made. The judge asked him to stand up for his sentencing and honestly, I can't remember everything he talked about. I took this opportunity to actually look at him. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. He looked frail, old, and sick. Actually looking at him made me feel nauseous. It was hitting me hard. Yes, this was him. Yes, this is real. Yes, this is happening. At this point, my face was stone again and staring straight ahead.
The judge tried to sound impartial as possible, as I'm sure judges need to do. But at the end of his decision, he mentioned how horrible the crime was, and what he did to my sister. I felt disgusted listening to it, even though I knew. He was sentenced a little over a year in prison, plus multiple years probation. Not even close to enough to what he deserves, but because of how this trial has gone, I am glad he will be in jail for some time.
After the sentencing, there was some official business needed to be done. Getting signatures, getting fingerprints. We sat there awkwardly. I wanted to go home, I'm sure my sister did too. And after a while, it was finally over. We all got up, and I never looked back at that disgusting man.
We chatted her legal team a bit after the sentencing. We were all glad it was over, and I expressed my gratitude that they helped my family so much.
Once we got home, I fell asleep for hours. I had plans later in the evening, so I couldn't hermit the rest of the day, even though I wanted to.
The day after that, I had a breakdown. I cried so hard my chest hurt and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like a failure. I felt guilty I couldn't protect my sister. I could feel my heart breaking. I felt angry, frustrated, and nauseated. After three years, I allowed myself to break down. It was over. I didn't feel like I needed to protect my sister or be strong for her as much as I have been.
I feel a little better these days, but I had to take the day off from work because I haven't processed things fully or properly. I was up last night replaying the sentencing in my head. Not because I thought I did anything wrong or I wished things went differently, but the sentencing made everything feel so surreal. I was so detached from the whole thing to protect my own feelings and sanity, and being there, seeing him - it hit me so much harder than I thought.
So I had to write this all up and really lay my feelings out. I feel like my own healing can really begin. I don't feel the heavy responsibility on my chest anymore. It's over, but it's also not. There's so much more work to be done for our family to heal, but I'm so glad we have each other.
After feeling incredibly guilty for being a bad sister, my sister was texting me the other day, obviously having a good night at a party with her boyfriend. She was saying I was the 'best sister 10000000000000000/10.' I laughed, but it made my night.
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i am tired of feeling everything.
i will see people on tv, social media, on the street, and i come up with stories in my head. their tragic backstories, their pain, and suffering, based off one detail or mention off their life. and i start to feel responsible for their happiness.
but i've never met these people in my life.
i hear a slight change of tone in someone's voice, and i freeze up - assess the situation, find an escape, find a way to de-escalate. but it has nothing to do with me. yet i still feel that weight of responsibility on me.
sometimes bad things happen to the people i love, and it weighs like a ton of bricks on my back that i have to carry up a mountain. but who am i carrying it for? i've placed this weight upon myself and i can't bring myself to put it back down, even though people are begging me to let myself rest.
i'm tired of feeling everything.
all the problems in the world, all the emotions, all the stress, all the negativity, i try to catch the problems in my hands like they're tiny grains of sand. they start to slip through my fingers and surround me, until all the negativity and sadness is surrounding me and i'm suffocating under the weight.
i have an out, i've always had an out. but i stay, because i feel responsible. i feel like i need to make it all better. even though i know i can't.
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It’s so frustrating trying to communicate with people sometimes. I hate arguing with people and I try my best to be empathetic and understand others side of the story and how they feel. But when people get defensive, I get so frustrated.
I don’t know how to communicate with defensive people. I try to be gentle, I try to be direct, I try to remove emotion from it, it feels like nothing works with you. I care about you deeply and all I want is for you to get better and be happier, but I’m sorry - it looks like you’ve dug way too deep and it’s become so difficult to interact with you.
It’s like you’re a completely different person, and it’s sad. You used to be so kind and thoughtful and gentle and loving and hardworking, but the persona you give off is so cold and closed off and depressed. And I hate seeing it. I want to make it go away, but you pushed me away and won’t let anyone in.
It’s painful because I see myself in you - I don’t know if that’s weird to say, but I honestly feel that way and I hope that doesn’t come across as me looking down on you or anything. I legit have been in a similar mindset as you and it’s so hard to get out. I tore down my friendships, my goals, my future. I was difficult to interact with. I was bitter and angry. I had terrible mood swings. And I’m sorry but this is what I see in you. And I fucking hate it so much.
Not because I’m angry with you. It’s because I understand and I know how painful and lonely it can get. And I want to help, but it’s not my place to help and I need to realize that.
I don’t feel that angry with you, at most, I feel frustration. I feel like I should be angry with you because you’ve been treating me like shit, even when I’ve tried to keep away from you. I feel like the more I interact with you, the more power I give for you to blame me for whatever you are going through. And I’m so conflicted because we went from being so close to you becoming so toxic and I don’t understand what happened.
I don’t recognize you anymore… it hurts. I want the old you back. You changed and it’s not in a good way. I can see how tired you are. You don’t smile as much anymore. I loved your smile because it always looked so bright and genuine, and I honestly don’t remember the last time I saw that smile.
I tried to communicate with you today, but it didn’t go well and I’m… so, so frustrated. You think I’m out to get you because of what happened between us, but I don’t want you to get in trouble. If anything, Im trying to protect you and sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t.
I don’t know dude. We’ve been so up and down and I’m so tired. I just want peace but I never know what to expect from you and I’m tired of being treated this way.
I miss you and I miss what we had, but the person I knew back then is not the person I know now. And I’m finally starting to realize it’s not my fault.
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sometimes it's hard to tell myself that it's okay to not be okay
having a goal of working on my mental health makes me feel like i can't give myself room to not be okay, but not allowing myself to feel the way i feel isn't working on myself. i'm just suppressing my feelings again.
tonight i am not feeling great. i feel really depressed and anxious. there's definitely a balance between being able to allow yourself to feel what you feel as well as not bottling up your feelings at the same time.
i just have to remind myself that these feelings will pass. i think my fear is letting my sadness go too far, when i spiral i definitely get really bad and destructive. so i have to find that balance
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i keep having dreams about my ex. i know they dont mean anything other than i'm processing our breakup. but they fucking suck, having them almost every night.
all of them are about us being happy again. him wanting to date me again, him apologizing to me. and we're so happy and everything is better
and then i wake up.
it sucks because they feel so real. in the dream i dont know it's actually a dream. and it makes waking up so hard.
i miss him so much, but i've been keeping my distance because i dont have the energy to deal with the mood swings. i just want to move on if he doesn't really want me. even in my sleep i can't even get peace, this sucks.
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i am so tired
i feel like i'm drowning
i just want all the pain to stop
i have been crying since i got home
i don't deserve this at all, please just make it stop
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i'm so tired of this...
my ex and i were finally getting along, we were becoming friends again. i was so happy. it made work so much easier since we still work together (yeah, i know, good choice on my part to date a coworker.)
but this week he kept being weirdly hostile towards me and yesterday he raised his voice at me and i just couldn't deal with it. I called my manager crying telling him all the instances this week he was treating me badly and my manager talked to him about it today. he left work early and i dont know, he blocked me on everything and then messaged me saying that i overreacted. i always feel like it's my fault and i'm so tired of it, i just want peace in my life, he broke up with me and it took me a while to get over it. but he still finds some way to drag me down. i want to be his friend but he just... i'm so afraid of how he's going to react to things, i never really know anymore.
i hate feeling like i'm the victim in situations. i dont want the attention. i feel guilty for telling my manager. i feel guilty not coming to my ex first, but i was legitimately scared of how he would react. i dont know. my ex said i'm being delusional and i acted disproportionately. i dont know whats real anymore honestly
i'm so sad. i was so happy we were friends again. i was so happy we were getting along again. but i don't tolerate being treated that way by anyone. it had nothing to do with the fact we were in a relationship in the past.
but fuck, i feel... i feel so guilty. i just want to be left alone. i dont want to be treated badly. why the fuck do i feel so bad for standing up for myself? i hate this. i don't feel good about what i did at all.
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I just want someone to love me like I deserve. I don't want to be heartbroken again. I don't want my feelings played with anymore. I don't want to feel insecure in a relationship ever again. It all just hurts and I'm so frustrated.
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I'm anxious. I'm scared of not being good enough for the people I love. I'm afraid of how people see me. I'm afraid that I'm too weird for my extended family. I have a family party later that I kind of want to go to, but I also don't want to go.
I'm trying to calm down and I think one of the important things to do is making sure I'm eating and drinking (didnt eat breakfast, drank coffee on an empty stomach)
Also reminding myself that I am a wonderful person and people love me, and I am harder on myself than I should be.
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The Blizzard/Activision lawsuit shit is really pissing me off and making me pretty upset. I've never experienced sexual harassment at work, thankfully, but the gaming industry is definitely a boys club. I don't even work on the games directly but I still experience a lot of subtle discrimination and have to deal with weird comments. Sometimes I feel like I had to work twice as hard to get where I'm at now because there's that unconscious favoritism towards white men on my team.
I try so hard not to be that person that blames my struggles on sexism. But I've been at this company for three years now, and there have been too many instances where I felt very icky about a particular situation. The company I work for is NOT THAT BAD. I love it more than I dislike its faults. But thinking about the times I've had to stand up for myself or get caught off guard by some weird comment has made me super angry. There's been so many times where I will get talked over, or I don't get taken seriously, or people will take over something when I did not ask for help.
I also got triggered this morning because my manager mentioned the sexual harassment going on in the company and for some reason I started thinking about my sexual assault, which was... fun. I remembered details of it that I apparently blocked off so I had to deal with that and I'm still dealing with it.
I'm writing this all out because I feel so much anger and sadness in my heart. I don't know how I could possibly trust anyone to keep me safe.
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Oh hello.
I’m in Hawaii, with my friends. it’s my last day tomorrow. And I have mad anxiety.
I had an awesome time here, but it was pretty rough at times. We had a delayed flight and when we landed we were delayed again getting to the gate. We basically lost a day of doing fun stuff because of traveling. The other days were fun, it was just stressful because I felt like I was planning most of it and we had a really tight schedule. We were supposed to go zip lining, but we couldn’t make it. I’m pretty bummed about it but at least we got to do other fun things.
I guess my anxiety is coming from my ex - we are still in contact and the door still isn’t closed (at least that’s the understanding I have last time we talked about it), so I always feel in a state of limbo. I try hard not to be, I try to move on but it’s really hard. I want us to get back together one day, but I am also trying to be okay if we don’t. I think towards the end of the trip I was feeling a lot of grief and anxiety because I was wishing we could have gone to Hawaii together.
I’m thankful I developed the coping mechanisms for my anxiety. It really helps. Reminding myself that the feeling isn’t going to last forever helps so much. My anxiety really makes me feel like the world is ending sometimes and I will always feel this way. I also allow myself to feel this way and acknowledge it instead of putting myself down or muffling my emotions.
I was doing fine without him for a bit, I think me daydreaming about going on vacations really upset me. So I know I will be ok, it’s just a temporary feeling.
I had a really fun vacation. I wish we were here longer and more of our friends were able to go. But I’m looking forward to going back home to my bed lol.
I’m also anxious about work. Everyone seems so stressed out (including me) and on edge. There’s a lot going on and we’re understaffed. We also moved to a much smaller working area and i really don’t like it, but I can’t do much about it. :/ I don’t feel stressed about my own work, I feel anxious because I can tell everyone is super on edge because of the pressure put on our team. I’ve been trying really hard to keep a positive atmosphere and making people smile but I know that’s not my job and I try to set boundaries in regards to that.
I think that’s everything that’s been bugging me. I am about to fall asleep so I’ll stop here. Good night!
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I'm going through SSRI withdrawal, so that means my serotonin production has gone down suddenly, which means I feel like absolute fucking garbage.
I've been taking Zoloft for a few months now, and it's been the only medicine that hasn't given me crazy side effects. It's been really helping. The problem is that I did not refill it in time, and I don't have an appointment until next week. I have three pills left, and I didn't think until now to call the pharmacy or my doctor again to get an emergency refill.
I mostly feel nauseous and tired. And my mood is not that great. I can feel really depressed and I'm kind of just... letting it happen? I don't know, this feels different than anxiety, I just feel like I'm drowning in all my sadness and the only energy I really have is being used to remind myself that this feeling isn't forever.
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what's up i'm back from the dead.
i am ~single~ now, so lets just get that out of the way.
i don't really feel like talking about that in this blog rn, maybe another time.
I want to talk a little bit about how I've changed these past two years. These past two years have hands down been the hardest two years of my life. I went through a lot of trauma during these two years, and I'm happy I came out alright. But as a result, I started behaving very differently and acted out a lot.
Historically, I've handled my anxiety pretty badly. I did it the best way I knew how, but it was still a traumatic experience - I would cry a lot, I would still have panic attacks, and I would have to try to calm myself down during the whole thing. And after it was over, I didn't feel good - I felt defeated and tired.
My anxiety got way worse after I experienced some traumatic events in my life, and it was starting to spiral out of control. My work was suffering, so I had to take a couple weeks off of work for my own mental health. I came back feeling a bit better, but I still had to handle frequent panic attacks.
I recently had something happen to me and I realized that I couldn't handle my anxiety the way I do anymore. I always felt very helpless, that letting it happen was the only way to handle my anxiety, but I realize now that it's not the case.
My anxiety stems from a LOT of fear, which is... pretty much what anxiety is, but it's the manifestation of my fears I developed as a child. My fear of abandonment, failure, not being enough, not being loved, not being accepted - it's a lot of shit to go through as a kid.
So when people talk about healing your inner child, I never really understood what that meant but I really understand that now. I feel like a child whenever I get anxious, and I act out just like a child.
Knowing this, I've started to approach my anxiety in a much different way and it's helped A LOT. Like, way more than I thought it would help. I'm a lot more gentle with myself, I talk things out one step at a time, as if I was literally talking to a child. I reassure myself I'm going to be okay, and my panic attacks either end very quickly or don't happen at all. It's honestly incredible.
I've only done this for about two weeks now, so I am pretty new to it, but the results have been really amazing. But fucking hell, it is really exhausting and sometimes it's hard not to get frustrated. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself that I didn't figure this out until now, but I think that's sort of a useless thought because at least I'm doing it now.
Another thing that I hate to admit is that I handle my mental illness in destructive ways when it gets really bad. Like self harm, drinking, taking sleeping pills, it.. it is really bad, and I never wanted to admit that, but yes, I was still doing those things for a while. I haven't done it at all for about a month, I can't really say the total amount of time that I haven't done anything destructive but I know it's at least about a month. It's so hard not to do anything destructive. It felt good to have something in my control in my life, and that was my own self destruction. And even if it felt good at the time, it made me feel like shit afterwards, and it stressed out everyone around me.
I ended up losing someone really important to me because I couldn't handle my anxiety very well, and I realized that I lost a lot of people in my life because of how I handled my anxiety. And it hurts to think about. And it makes me sad. But the only thing I can really do is move forward from this. I'm scared of what is to come out of this, but I am mostly hopeful. I don't want to be this person anymore. I am a great person overall, but there are parts of me I want to change.
A part of me changing also includes being more in tune with my emotions and what I'm going through, so I will try to blog here more. No promises tho cause I also have been doing a lot more vlogging (they are pretty private so I'm not planning on uploading them). But whenever I feel like typing is the best way to express my feelings, I'll go ahead and post here.
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it’s 1 am and i am about to fall asleep but i feel like i need to say something, i feel like everything is about to explode out of my chest.
sometimes i like to look at facebook photos of mine and reminisce about happy memories, but at a point i have to stop because there are pictures that include that person that ruined my trust in people for a really long time. i cant bring myself to delete them because that would mean i have to actually look at them for longer than a second.
and with that, there are also people that are also in those photos that i dont talk to anymore but meant the world to me. these were people that i thought would be friends for life. but it seems like they had abandoned me.
i dont know what i did wrong.
it hurts. just thinking about those old times and wondering where i had went wrong. thinking that people would support women who get violated like that, i’m a goddamn fool.
i miss them. they weren’t the best friends for emotional support but they were my friends. they were friends that understood the struggle we all went through when we all went through the program. we had plans. we had so many plans to do crazy shit when we made enough money. we were supposed to celebrate our successes together.
but it seems like that will never happen.
i fucking hate that this had to happen to me.
i try not to blame myself, but during these times where i wish my friends were still here with me, i feel like i can only blame myself. maybe i didn’t fight back hard enough. maybe i was too vulnerable. maybe i trusted too much.
these are thoughts that don’t make sense, but they’re still in my head.god, it fucks with me so much.
i miss my old friends.
i wish this never happened. life could have been so much different.
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Man, I just feel really sad.
I think it’s because I feel incredibly lonely.
I miss people.
That’s all.
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youtube
welp
oh ya this is my first vlog in my (not really new) apartment i forgot to mention that in the vid lol
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