The time I got Pancreatitis and almost died. Buckle up it's a long one (Update 12/06/2022)

Well... it's been a while now has it? To be honest, a lot has happened since the last time I checked this blog. Ha, I don't even know where to begin... Um well, why am I here again is a good place to start. I only come on here when I'm having a hard time and I think I've finally come to the realization that I am mentally having a hard time again. But I think I am either coping with it well or still in shock. lol, I guess after writing my feeling out in this blog I'll figure that out, huh?

I love coming back to this blog though because I get to take a look back and see how far I have come from high school/ college and well truly feel like I'm in a better place. Hell, now I am the one telling people that it gets better because in the grand scheme of things it does. I've learned that it's all about perspective and deciding where you want to go from here. And I think these last few months have truly been a test of that belief because OH MAN has it been a tough.

In late July I was suffering with severe abdominal pain that progressively got worse over the span of a week resulting in the ER. I was the admitted to the hospital with pancreatitis caused by passing gallbladder stones. I was in so much pain I felt like I was dying and I ain't no bitch either when it comes to pain but this was something completely unimaginable. At some point, while waiting in the ER, I told my Fiance to just have them kill me. I was blacking out and had uncontrollable vomiting. They would give me morphine IV every 2 hours and it did absolutely nothing. I just wanted to die, but hearing my fiance cry out to the nurses for help I knew that I couldn't leave him like this I had to try at least for him. So I did, I hung on just long enough to wake up in my own hospital room. But shortly after my pain was stabilized I was then going into a diabetic coma. My blood pressure shot up and my sugar was almost 500 when the normal is 90-120. I felt so weak but knew I had to keep fighting and to be honest, I don't remember a lot after that. Except occasionally waking up and finding my fiance next to me watching my vitals closely to make sure I wasn't crashing again. After I finally woke up a surgeon informed me that I needed to get my gallbladder removed in order to prevent any additional episodes of pancreatitis. So my fiance and I agreed to the surgery. Unfortunately, we later discovered that we made the decision way too soon in my recovery. While I was under anesthesia for the surgery I had multiple complications that placed me in the ICU for a week. The doctors wanted me on a respirator because I was not wanting to breathe on my own nor was I intaking enough oxygen, but luckily I started breathing on my own. Again I don't remember very much, these are things I was told by the people around me as well as my medical documents. Once released from the ICU I was placed in observation and later discharged. After being home for a few days I contracted COVID, after 2 hellish weeks I finally tested negative but was left with horrible stomach issues so back to the ER I went. Here I found out that having COVID triggered another episode of pancreatitis, further studies were done and a pseudocyst was found. Considering the pancreas was put through so much stress large portions of the pancreas became necrotic causing a pseudocyst to form. I was devastated, I had no clue how much of my pancreas was viable, if any, or if my diabetes caused by my pancreatitis would ever be reversible.

And it was at this point, the old me re-entered my mind, and old thoughts of feeling like a waste of a life began. I felt like a failure, I felt that I could have saved so many people a lot of heartache and stress if I just went through with killing myself all those years ago. I wanted to hurt myself so badly but I couldn't because I was being monitored every 2 to 3 hours and they would find my cuts during the physical if I did. Although, that thought shortly dissipated when my fiance came to see me. He knew where my mind would spiral to and helped me cope with the news. From there I spent 2 weeks in the hospital AGAIN to fully recover from my pancreatitis. Once discharged I had to wait 3 more weeks before starting the surgery process of removing my pseudocyst since it needed time to mature. This process took a series of 9 endoscopic procedures under general anesthesia over the span of 4.5 weeks. Thank god for the staff and doctors who were involved with my case. Honestly the sweetest people I have ever met. I already had mad respect for nurses but after becoming a frequent flyer at the hospital and getting to know my nurses, wow! I have no words to explain how amazing these people were. I have a debt of gratitude to these people for helping me physically and mentally get through every procedure. They understood that I was scared for my life because of my first encounter with going under and they all helped reassure me not to worry. I wouldn't have been able to get through this journey without them as well as my fiance.

Now I am 2 weeks post op and I am physically feeling better but now I am left with the mental aspect of the whole event. And to be honest I'm not sure how to feel... I'm happy that this situation brought my fiance, my family and I closer together as well as being able to finally get my health back on track. Although I still have one surgery left and that's the one that put me in the ICU, my gallbladder removal. I have high hopes that this time around things will go smoother since I am in better health but you never know, anesthesia still has its risks. But fingers crossed everything works out, I guess. I will do an additional update after Friday but as of right now still no clue how to think about the situation.

Since I have been sick I haven't been able to work so I'm spending more time alone, plus I have lost like 60 lbs and look so different. I'm not sure if it's a good different. I have always struggled with my weight and right now I'm at my smallest... but the downside is that I actually like my current weight. I feel healthier and definitely have more energy than before so I mean that's a positive. But I really don't want to go back to worrying about my weight, for so long I was hyper-focused on my appearance and I have finally come to terms with my weight and I'm scared that all those bad habits will come back once I start gaining the weight back. But I guess we will find out over time how this is going to play out. I've been trying to reassure myself that I look good fat or skinny and that I still look good even with more weight on just to ease the pain when I start to gain the weight back.

One more positive thing about this whole situation is that Esai and I are way closer than before. That poor man had to suffer by my bedside for so long and I couldn't even begin to express how much that has meant to me. He's been so positive and reassuring about our future that it has helped me cope with my situation.

I'm honestly at this point just ready to move on with my life and enjoy the moments that were taken from me in 2022.

September 10th

I was in the hospital for 7 days with pancreatitis and was diagnosed with diabetes. I know for some people that's not a big deal but to me it is. I have been trying so hard to not be diabetic because I knew I was predisposed to it since my dad's entire family is diabetic. Although all that work didn't pay off...

When the doctor told me I cried all day. I felt like my world was turned upside down... now I'm on insulin and have to check my sugars every 8 hours... I have to document everything I eat and count carbs. Again to some this is not a big deal but I had a severe eating disorder where all I would do was count carbs and I thought I never had to do that again.

But here I am being forced to watch what I eat again. I'm worried that once I start counting I'll fall back into old habits.

I was in such a good mental state before all this and now I'm back to just contemplating my existence.

Esai start his new job this week and I felt awful for taking away so much of his time getting sick. I love him but now I'm just holding him back. All I do is make people worry. I feel like things would be easier on everyone if I just disappeared.

I'm scared...

I'm having bad thoughts again.

Everyday. 

I'm confused.

I love him, yes, but something is just not right. He doesn't try for me. Maybe the honeymoon stage is over for him. To bad I'm still madly in love with him as if only we've been dating for months not years....

Maybe it's just the really depressed side of me that won't let me be happy and appreciate what we have. But honestly it's not much.

A part of me wants to go on a break with him for leaving our relationship in limbo for 7 years... we have not moved forward at all. And I'm not just talking about getting engaged anymore. I'm talking about everything. He won't move in with me, he won't buy a new car to make it easier to come see me, we only see other once a week. If anything we have only moved backwards in our relationship since he moved so fucken far away.

I'm just really fucken depressed right now and really fucken over it.

I think what really got to me was the fact that it was so easy for him to just cancel the proposal... like it meant nothing. Honestly I didn't need to know you were "going to propose but..." like fuck you why would tell me you canceled our proposal today.

I'm just mad. But fuck my feelings right?

“Does it even bother you that we barely ever talk anymore?”

— guess not

I know you stopped loving me but i remember i made a promise that i’d never stop loving you.

-anon

Shit I'm heartbroken again...

I just realized that the only reason why you changed your religion on Facebook is so that you wouldn't be judged by your new friend... why are you trying to hide who you are for her...