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Backgroud\A Fucked-Up Childhood Part 1

*I’m gonna entry my childhood in parts, because a whole lot happened then*

My childhood ended pretty fast for a child. Life decided that at 8 years old, I was old enough to start facing problems. Before 8, I was filled with the thought that everyone was nice, everyone was beautiful and everyone was kind. At 8, I realized it wasn’t the case.

Rape. Yes, it happened to me. The first time was from someone I never thought could be doing it, a doctor. Right after my father and I got into a car accident (I later learned I only had a small vein in my stomach that broke, nothing major), we went to the hospital by ambulance. Since I was complaining about stomach ache and people in the ambulance couldn’t see anything, they sent me for an X-Ray.

Right before entering the room, I remember asking for my dad to accompany me. Which they refused. It was then, in that room with maybe 3 adults in masks that one of the males touched my crotch. He didn’t warn me, he just did it. Even at 8, I felt wrong. On our way home, I wondered in the car if I was supposed to tell my dad or if it was normal. When he made a U-turn to get to the police station after I told him, I realized it wasn’t normal.

Then, I grew up a bit and maybe a year later I got raped a few times. At the time, my dad was living with a woman who had two kids (an older girl and a boy my age). Those two kids were terrible. Those kids incited me to have sex with the boy my age, a lot of times. When it first happened, they menaced me of telling my dad I did stuff I wasn’t supposed to (even if I did nothing wrong... they were good at it). I would then accept my faith and let them get what they wanted. I remember one time, I wanted to call my dad when they tried to force me. Not knowing what his number was and being refused the phone by the older step sister, I still had no choice. It went on for a two years, up until my dad broke up with their mother. No, I ended never telling my dad.

Filming Yourself & Showing It To The Class : A Perilous Adventure

For one of my classes, I had to film myself while doing my future job. We would later watch ourselves in class and have other classmates commenting the good and the bad we did. I, for one, am someone who highly criticize myself at anytime and so while filming myself I got super anxious and self-conscious. I started making errors I never did before and realizing it right after doing it.

When I had been done filming, I tried not to think about it and went on with my day. Problem is (as always), right before going to bed I started re-thinking about all the errors I made and the fact I would have to play my video in front of my whole class. It triggered my anxiety, which lead to my insomnia. For the following days, anxiety would not leave me. Not until my video played in class.

What I hate about anxiety is even though you know it’s gonna be okay, you know you stress for nothing and you know it won’t help anything well you still have it. And it doesn't go away.

Over those few days, I stressed so much it gave me a panic attack. It was one night after class, my friend and I were on our way back home and started talking about our video project. We talked for a while about it, and she asked me if I was stressing about it. I opened up and talked so much about what was bugging me about it, the stress and everything ( Social Phobia, Anxiety, Agoraphobia were there) that it made me enter a panic attack. I started crying, my legs started shaking, I felt out of breath, I felt dizzy.. Luckily, I know how to cope with it now and am dealing with it a lot better.

Luckily, after I showed my video I went back to normal\relaxed and felt better than ever. I didn’t even had a negative feedback by my classmates!

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https://wn.nr/nhvd3Y

words-of-emotion:

Insomnia thoughts

Whats the point of this? Why do I still fight when there is nothing worth fighting for? Honestly, I really don't know.. I think i'm beginning to fall once again.. I already kinda want to give up... It becomes way and way harder as the days goes not to hurt myself.. Sometimes, I can't even sleep.. Like right now.. On those times.. That's where I am the weakest.. I'll cry for nothing, il get down..I'll want some company.. WHY? Because when i'm alone.. In the silence.. In the dark.. Thats where my monsters come back.. They don't really show up if I have something to think of, to keep myself and my mind busy.. But when i'm alone.. Or when i feel alone.. Thats where i'll probably do something stupid in your eyes.. On those times, i question myself.. And my head's so fucked up that I don't even know what is good or bad.. I'm just lost in an infinite dark.. I try my best to get out of it.. And the only thing I can rely to.. Is my instinct.. That is fucked up because of my brain.. So I end up hurting myself.. WANTING TO.. I end up crying in my bed for hours, or even just feeling numb, not able to sleep because of that fucked up head.. And I know, people don't want me to do stupid things as such.. And believe me, I really try my hardest not to do those things.. I try to keep myself busy.. By writing this stupid thing, for example.. BUT.. Did you ever felt that strange itching feeling on your body?.. That itch is, and you know it, exactly where you used to hurt yourself..? Did you ever remembered when you used to cut.. That thrill filling you get just before? That thing is coming back.. Every. Fucking. Time. You will feel bad.. And you just can't do anything about it.. You just have to do with it because it won't be away until tomorrow morning.. -M.N.

I'm just gonna go. I'll run as far as I can.. and when i'll be too tired to run, i'll walk..and even when i'm gonna be too tired to walk, i'll walk even more. Why, you said? I'm trying to find an escape from this world. I'm tired being dissapointed in this world when all I try to remember myself is that «Everything will be better, everything is temporary, i'm gonna feel better from day to day». The thing is, it's not true at all. Its getting worse. -M.N

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