*blood warning*

The Song of Achilles - color keys

I’m trying to work on my coloring/framing, so I thought it’d be fun to try some color key type drawings with a whole book!

Patroclus: Achilles, I want a baby

Achilles: *whining* But I am your baby!

“I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world.” The Song of Achilles.

“The way his hair looked in summer sun. His face when he ran. His eyes, solemn as an owl at lessons. This and this and this. So many moments of happiness, crowding forward.” - Patroclus, *The Song of Achilles* by Madeline Miller.

Thank you so much to everyone who urged me to read this book. It took my breath away and, to be completely honest, I’m still not over it. Such a gorgeous retelling of Achilles’ likely romance with Patroclus. 😭

An alternate cover for my wip portfolio… this is SONG OF ACHILLES by the amazing Madeline Miller.

I adore this book and CIRCE is possibly even better.

*

print now available on society6

October 22, 2020

12:40 AM

I am halfway through the sem already and I just want to give you an update on what has been happening lately. So, I just dropped a subject. A programming class. There’s always a first time for everything talaga no? I was cramming my review for the microecon subject exam that night when I realized I really cannot handle all the workload. Hence, the decision to drop. 

Anyway, I don’t wanna dwell on it. It happens. Dropping subjects is a common occurence in U/P (as exemplified by that girl I mistook to be a part of the SC lol). 

Also, I wanna update you on how hard you are finding this online classes. You have the resources: laptop, relatively okay internet connection (jeez I remember I sort of used the net-connection lie to my prof sa application ko sa drop. This tendency to lie will be a subject for another day). Pero despite that, ang pinakamatindi ko pa rin talagang kalaban ay sarili ko. Epekto siguro ng pagkakulong sa kwarto na supposedly eh haven ko, I’m finding it difficult to use this space productively. 

But I’m working towards it. I will work towards it. All these insecurities I’m feeling towards my academic skills, I will eventually overcome. I will turn the tables around. MARK MY WORDS. I’LL COME OUT OF THIS ALIVE AND THRIVING. “If you were incapable, the opportunity wouldn’t have come your way”.

Sept. 8, 2020

8:35pm

Classes will begin in 2 days. Bago magsimula ‘yon, gusto ko muna I-ground yung sarili ko by writing. 

Over the past few weeks, I have been busy with admission and registration process. Kasama na rin don yung pag-iisip kung makakagraduate ba ako on time (probably not, by my estimate magtatagal pa ako ng isang taon for reasons I will probably talk in some other entry). So, following that, past weeks have also been spent planning out which courses to take para ma-ensure na I’m on track and least amount of years yung maitagal ko sa U/P. 

Writing this and thinking of the things that have kept me busy over the past few days make me feel hypocritical. Hindi naman kasi ako ganoon kabusy eh. Sure, I’m a bit anxious of the uncertainty, of how things will play out for me in the future especially during this pandemic. And that’s about it. My plate isn’t that full. I am privileged enough to be holed up in my room binge-watching shows like Glow Up; privileged to have been bought a laptop with good specs enough to carry out functions that will be needed in my degree; privileged enough to not worry about putting food in our table (others my age have already started online businesses and it’s impossible not to feel pressured). So yeah, the first paragraph made it sound like my hands are full, but not really. Perhaps it’s just my mind that has been overly busy, overthinking things like mostly what’s gonna happen if and only if physical classes were to resume. 

I also want to write about my social life. Honestly, I feel like my social interaction skills has worsen. I have no empirical evidence to support this but I don’t know anyone who has spent 6 months holed up in one’s room being able to interact really that well. Meron ba? Anyway, I won’t cast it in stone naman. My social batteries are well-charged so who knows, baka gumaling na ako sa socialization lol. In any case, nakakamiss pa rin yon, regardless kung magaling na ba ako or not. 

I also want to talk about this batchmate from D/EP/P who also got into the UPS3. We have started talking when I first asked her about our T/CG. From that moment on, we would occasionally chat. Topics range from registration process, orgs to join in, which subjects would be credited and all that. Honestly, I can tell she’s really smart and I feel kinda intimidated at first. And I wanna write about that here. Regardless of gender/sex, I tend to feel intimidated by smart people haha. Pero just as what I have told myself kagabi in my TED talk, meeting smart people will be a common occurrence in yupi life. Instead of relegating myself below these people, what I should do is to be open and accept it as a challenge to improve myself too. So I’m writing this to concretize and formally instill that idea in my mind. Oftentimes, I am gonna feel uncomfy for various reasons (skl one manifestation lately has been sweaty arms haha). But in that moment I have to remember to just let go and enjoy the ride of learning.

That will be all for now. Expect more entries to come as I really plan on documenting this journey. I hope I had a good one. xxx

Aug. 7, 2020

9:37 pm

Tonight I want to write about the things that have been bothering me ever since I got my acceptance letter from the U/PS/E (yes, I got in!). As much as I am happy about it, I still cannot shrug off the feeling that I got in pretty late; that I won’t be able to enjoy the U/P experience as long as I want to (heck, I’m even thinking of re-taking certain subjects to prolong my stay. But of course, that would be impractical). And so tonight, I will write a message to my current self in hopes of convincing him that even though he got in during his junior year, his U/P experience can be as great as he want it to be.

Okay, where do I begin? Heck, I’m not sure I can convince myself otherwise. To add salt to the injury, this pandemic even made my first semester in UP/D impossible. God knows when this will even stop. For all we know, this can last for years. Damn, I don’t wanna spend the next few years studying in my room. 

July 16, 2020

5:13am

Facebook memories just reminded me how much I miss physical classes. As much as I am an introverted individual, the physicality of such set up, idk, provides me social interaction however minimal. Totoo talaga yung sinabi ng isang philosopher (was it Aristotle?) that humans are social animals.

July 16, 2020

5:05 am

Lying in bed, stomach growling, light still up, armpits a bit sweaty after a heated match in ML.

This is my coping mechanism for the anxiety I am feeling towards uncertainty. Uncertainty of whether my transfer application to UPSE will get accepted. Uncertainty of whether things will get back to normal soon or not.

But it is really not helping me cope if people in ML are just gonna trash talk. I have been dealing with it since I am moving up the ranks. It is as if the stakes are higher now that you are way up higher. But that is not the point of the game, isn't it? It robs you of the experience, the fun.

Hayyy. Nakakapagod.

May 24, 2020

9:28 pm

Was rereading my blog entries. Grabe, it's quite unbelievable na sinulat ko lahat yon. I've become so much eloquent in expressing my thoughts. Nakakaproud lang. I've grown so much. Hoping to grow and learn more everyday.

May 7, 2020

10:50 pm

Before I get back to studying the dismal science, I just wanna rant quickly. So, as you probably know by now, your past self has the tendency to recall conversations (or in this case, interview), from years ago, thinking if you have said the right thing, what you could have said instead. I don’t specifically remember how the chain of reaction started. *thinks for a minute* Oh there, I remember it. It started when I was thinking of how my econ prof would react if he knew one of his best (forgive my kayabangan) students is, more likely than not, gay. But that is not the story here. I was actually thinking of the possibility of coming out. And then that’s how the memory of the interview with me during freshman year came back to me.

I was asked about my opinions about coming out. I saw how the reaction of the interviewer bordered on confusion, and perhaps annoyance, when I told him i was kinda in favor of people coming out, contradicting his copy-pasted views from woke Twitter who believed that people should not come out as it only promotes heteronormativity; that coming out should not be a thing because being gay is normal. While I agree to that to some degree, I feel like the decision should be solely placed on the individual. To dictate them on what they should do would be robbing them of their right to express themselves. 

I came out to my parents and it was an important decision for me to make because I don’t want to live in a world where things go unsaid. I want to set it in stone. I want them and, eventually, the world to know that being different is okay. 

In any case, I just remember the interviewer’s face disappointment. His copy-pasted views from woke Twitter wasn’t a match with mine. And to think I was a UP student... what a bummer it must be for him. 

May 6, 2020

7:45 pm

Nth day into the ECQ and I’m already clinging to my sanity. Young adulthood is tiring. Today, my roomies and I decided not to push through with our contract. At first I was skeptical about the option since it entailed not getting our x amount initial payments. But after careful thought, and after realization that our landlord isn’t one to budge, I decided to give the benefit of the doubt. The pros outweighs the cons. 

The world has been too much lately. Yesterday, I found myself crying in the kitchen. I feel like I’m in this sphere where adults do their business, where politics intrude my personal space. ABS CBN’s cease and desist order...it was not something I’d ever imagine to be happening in my lifetime. The irk (and what’s a stronger word) the backlash, the hate in the social over that NTC’s biased action towards the one of the largest media outlets in the Philippines, it was all too much. People are angry. And it felt like I should too. And I am. But it really got me confused. If it were not for the social media’s presence, would I have been as angry as I am now?

I felt helpless in our kitchen. I want to do something to contribute and not get holed up, just witnessing the world unfold before my eyes. But I don’t know where to start, on top of the feeling of pretentiousness. I feel like a kid playing a pretend adult, wanting some piece of it so I’m not left behind. 

April 2, 2020

7:30 pm

Before I study tonight, I just wanna air some grievances regarding what’s happening in my personal life right now. So kahapon, I was really angry to the point that I cried over this admin’s remarks. So being a gen Z who’s mostly on the internet (esp. now we’re quarantined), I shared some posts. Posts that criticize the govnt. 

These posts irked some of the deedee-es friends I have. Someone, a family friend, specifically commented on my shared posts questioning its veracity. I did reply naman. 

And now my parents and grandparents know it. They talked to me, expressed their concern over my safety. I get them. Pero i know naman na im safe. Others are posting and reposting their criticisms. Thousands of them. Imposible namang matrack down lahat yon?

Anyway, i just feel down, sad, disappointed. They’re supposed to have my back. Pero ngayon, nakikita ko na yung reality na lahat sila nakakulong pa rin sa bubble of privilege. Ako rin naman, pero I’m starting to voice out. And i think sobrang importante non.

March 15, 2020

1:47pm

If there's one thing to take from our B/M 1//0/4 class, it's that Emotional Intelligence Quotient is much more important than Intelligence Quotient.

Our prof has just announced on our FB group the students who got the highest scores on our Midterm exams. Having poured in effort in studying for it, I was expecting to be in one of the top. But apparently, I was not.

I was done sulking. The first time I read it, I immediately felt a pang of jealousy. These students who got the highest scores are my classmates in this other subject. And I'll tell you, they don't strike me as smart(???). Pero wala na dapat akong pake don. Apparently, they prove themselves to be smart in this exam.

As I was saying, EI is much more important than IQ. Im starting to recognize my feelings: jealousy, disappointment, that feeling of not being enough, that fear of not being able to achieve my goal for the sem (which is part of a much larger goal).

First step is the recognition. And I've done that. Second is management. I'm starting to manage it. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I have done my best (did I?) Even if I didn't, this only signals that I should be doing better. That I should be pushing myself to the limit.

Im not gonna dwell on this too much.

March 10, 2020

11:49am

I know it ain’t much but I just feel happy today. More than the likes I’ve been getting on my post on FB, I am particularly ecstatic (lmao) over the fact that my crush didn’t just like my post. He also commented. I mean,,,,if that wasn’t an invitation to be my friend idk what it is. 

In any case, 1 week kaming walang classes due to the covid-19 epidemic. I hope you’re fine right now. I hope u ain’t dead bec of the virus lmao (mejo inuubo ubo ka pa naman ngayon)... ok shit, im scared rn. But i really do hope none of ur loved ones got affected!