luckylaura345 - Tumblr blog

luckylaura345 · 13 days

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Emotional Ambivalence

I once read a quote stating; "stop making an aesthetic out of not doing well"

It hit me hard like a boulder for some reason as I had not realised that is exactly what I have been doing.

The thing about depression it creeps onto you.

You can never just wake up one day and say you caught depression like it's a common cold.

It takes countless numb days, countless people asking you if you are okay numerous times for countless weeks, months or years, waking up angry, numb or sad it takes the days merging together to one big blurry long loop, before you finally ask yourself, "am I okay?"

Depression is a big word. People will throw it around to describe countless things.

"the weather is depressing today"

"maths class makes me so depressed"

"my grades were depressing to look out"

Yet when it comes to actually diagnosing yourself, your mind never even considers it.

There's no way I'm depressed, you will tell yourself. Depression is often depicted in the media at an extreme scale to which you have often not reached. You'll tell yourself you're not actually depressed as your life doesn't physically look in shambles.

The media often depicts, diagnosing yourself with depression is just another way to seek attention; that you should always go to a specialist. But who would go as far as to seek a speacialist if they don't even consider themselves depressed.

Cause if it's not depression then what am I? Just sad? My mind always just thought maybe life is just too boring for me? I look at people radiating sunshine and happiness and I always wonder how? How can there be a smile on your face everyday? Are we not living the same monotonous days? Is there something I am not seeing? I look at people genuinely celebrating or dancing at events or parties? And all I can wonder is how? How can these genuine emotions flow through you? How can you, when I even consider trying it feels fake, uncomfortable, like I'm trying to fit into a mold that was never created for me in the first place.

Although numbness seems to consume my mind 24/7 there are rare periods of time where I am just content (or as happy as I can get), where my state of sadness, self hate and being numb seems to completely disappear. I treasure these moments; as the saying goes you never really appricaate anything untill it's taken away from you, and being constantly just sad, makes you really grasp onto any shred of happiness you can get.

But of course these periods of happiness never last, you can feel it slip alway from your grasp, just before your mind goes to this extended period of pure numbness. This is the calm before the storm. This period of numbness is your mind is constantly taunting you as it blocks out any feeling or emotion you have almost like it puts up a wall, a wall that prevents you from reacting to things, feeling happiness and worst of all feeling sadness. Yet it doesn't block out any other negative thing, such as your feelings of extreme self hate, the self criticising, the feeling inferior to others, but it's alright since you lack the emotions to actually feel all this negativity - Sadness.

Now you are forced to choose. You are hanging onto the edge of a cliff. Will I keep holding on or will I let go and ungrasp, finally submerging myself the familiarity that awaits me below.

Of course I choose to plummet, cause if I can't feel anything at all, I'd rather pick an emotion I'm very familiar with, a feeling very raw I know inside out, a feeling that eats me alive as well as feeds my soul. I'd rather feel deeply than nothing at all.

It's sad isn't it? Not knowing whether or not if you have or even if you'll ever experience true happiness, To the point where you'll take media depicting sadness as an aesthetic, depicting feeling hollow, people draining you and your connections with people fading as an aesthetic. However, no matter how hard you criticise these types of media, you still find some sort of comfort in them, some sort of solace that you're not alone, after all despite resenting it for taking over your life, for lingering, for taking away your happiness, for leaving its claw marks on you. sadness has become the entity you're most familiar with, it has become a guardian angel that has trapped you within its wings. Sadness has become your friend.

02:17

05/02/24

#writing #poetry #poem #depressing shit #sorry for being depressing #tw depressing stuff #rant post

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