Okay hey I don’t know who’s even on here anymore but I’m making a new tumblr so if y’all miss me but also want to see a brand new version of me follow me on my new account once it’s made

It’s gonna be @fluidlucas same as my twitter and TikTok but I’m coming here because Twitter is starting to become a hellscape. Not because of Ellen tusk but also because I feel a loss of community there now.

So if you want to see my astro content, my dance content, and my love for movies and music and drag just like old times, follow me there once it’s made.

Hope y’all are doing well and happy eclipse season 🫶🏼❤️‍🔥🫣

Hi Tumblr aka my journal when I don’t want to physically write in my journal ...

Why am I picking up signs to quit my job soon even though I just got this promotion? I can never find the balance. The only time I am ever creatively free even if I’m still the saddest and most suicidal bitch ever, is if I’m unemployed. It’s been proven twice last year.

I wish I could be like other artists. They can just do both? The material bullshit and be so successful in their craft? Never could be me I guess. I feel so untalented and I want to die. Like. Again. A fucking gain.

I’m so jealous of people again. And I hate my body. I hate being active. I hate being alive. I hate this body prison. This isn’t what I asked for. There’s no fucking way. I do all this work and still want a knife in me. Still wish I died in all those car accidents. Were they accidents? I know I died too though. But spirit keeps me alive. Because I have a “purpose” and that’s just to make everyone else happy and feel seen meanwhile no one cares about what makes me happy and feel seen. I’m so forgotten. I’m so unworthy too. And ugly. I’ll never find love. It’s fantastic. And the way in which I’m just further manifesting this as I write this post. I can’t stop. And no one wants me to stop either. I can’t believe I really posted that poem too. I’m not crazy I swear. And therapy won’t help either. We already tried that. I swear to god I don’t need people forcing me into therapy or another one on one. Let me just drink and cry and wish for death in peace until I wake up and feel like I can’t forget any of this happened. Forget about me. You always forget when I’m happy so forget when I’m sad god damn it. I hate you all but I hate myself more.

Coming back to tumblr for my monthly “I wanna fucking die and kill myself” post that I’ve already stated on all other platforms but let’s just state it here too because I’m invisible anyway and no one gives a shit whether I live or die

Twitter is down and two people I did not want to see have run into me at my workplace so now I’m in the bathroom wanting to cry and disappear and not think about how my life is just in shambles. Mercury retrograde is really out here. Fuck me.

I’m getting really tired of ungrateful clients. I’m getting so tired of getting nothing back after spending hours on a reading. “Thanks” is so rude to send to someone, especially when I know you haven’t even read the damn document.

I need to figure my shit out. I know I’m a good reader. I’m just attracting the worst people. I’ll get over this. It’s just the more I do this, the better I feel myself becoming. And yet I get no appreciation for it. I go above and beyond with the customer service aspect of it all.

Mercury Retrograde is starting tomorrow and we’ve been in it’s shadow period and it’s made me question if this is even worth pursuing anymore. If I should be pursuing anything at all. Because all the things that interest me but people don’t associate myself with is getting me nowhere obviously. And all the things that people know me for but I feel like I’m LOSING interest in them isnt working either.

The intentions have shifted. Because the circumstances keep shifting. I don’t know how much more I can take. It makes me feel like I’m just not meant for anything.

This is why I do not trust a single person now. I can’t do it. I can’t be open when this is what happens every fucking time.

I hate that I have to even use this platform to be like this because I’m fucking tired of the Twitter team telling me to stop being suicidal.

Having to ask for things feels so ingenuine so fuck it. I’m going to do what I need to do for others to ask ME. I am the attraction. Fuck this. Fuck my entire past. I don’t regret but I am fucking tired.

I like when no one speaks 🙂

Only for tumblr LOLOL but you know I love feeling like a dick giving somebody a reading and then having to almost force them to stay over even though they’re not my FRIEND friend but my roommates friend and like this dynamic sucks. And my life sucks. And I want to die already. Like why have I NOT killed myself years ago?!?!?! Makes no sense. Someone shoot me. I’m not kidding I hate this fucking life. I hate being alive right now. Knowing I’m just giving nothing. Being shit. I’m shit at face value.

Why are people so loud in the morning? Jfc

It’s Mars Retrograde and I should be slowing down but I am still faced with 5 different outcomes like I always am and can’t make a decision. So I stay stuck anyway.

I need to manifest peace and quiet every day

Like literally not you liking a comment saying I’m look edible but can’t respond to my text, whatever. Okay I’m done tumblr until next time I’m dealing with something no one knows about here

I think it’s official that my convo with this guy has ended and I get it. I’m never gonna be the type of guy he wants. I just really like how long this lasted. Still want the friendship because I have no real friends anymore.

Gay culture is being attracted to so many people in the group chat but there are two that you really wish you could be with but one is already taken and the other just leads you on while they flirt on the tl with SAID TAKEN BITCH I hate being gayyyyy

Can only talk to tumblr about this one lol it’s official when a guy decides to stop talking to you after 24 hours like it’s over I’m done fuck men also fuck a career

Heyyyy entering tumblr for this weird time just to vent about how no one from the dance company that I took a leave of absence from finally after months of it on my mind has not reached out to me to see how I’m doing and I know they are aware that I left the announcement had to have been made today to the full current group so this is confirmation I’m on the right track. Maybe I should have made an official statement but it also did not feel necessary for me. I don’t feel bad for not doing that. I don’t have to do anything I feel is out of alignment. I’m tired of overextending myself. For trying so hard to be someone I’m not. Being someone that’s actually a fake basic gay just to add “personality” to a team that is thriving on the wrong focuses of dance. I don’t know I’m upset that no one has reached out to me but I think this is also empowering me to realize a lot of these people are not true friends. I don’t know who a true friend is nor am I confident calling myself a true friend. I’m gonna continue building myself up. Focus on my healing and personal growth and journey. I’m taking a break from dance and I honestly don’t know when I’ll come back. Maybe I never will. I’m getting distracted from this dance community. Instagram is toxic. I hate this community and I don’t want to. I’m an artist and I just want to be seen for me. I don’t even know what that means. I try too hard and I’m done. I’m done trying too hard. It gets me nowhere to be someone I’m not. But it’s like no one cares who I am anyway. I have nothing of substance to say. This is making me cry. Farewell for now.