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What I want to speak about.
Hello! I'm here again.
I will be pouring everything about all the feelings I had on the past few days.
First, I'm torn. I'm confused. I'm hurting. I'm tired to feel everything. Can I be numb again? I feel like I'm most okay with that.
In the past few days, lagi kong iniisip kung paano ko tatapusin yung relationship na binuo ko with my impulsive decisions. I got into this mess kasi akala ko I can handle it. I thought I can be strong enough to get out once I needed to. Pero eto ngayon, kinakain ko lahat ng salita ko. I feel lost and I don't know what to do. Ayoko makasakit and at the same time ayoko na din masaktan.
They said na you need to voice out what you feel or it will eat you inside. Guess what, I'm choosing the latter. I'm not into confrontation, feeling ko kapag ginawa ko yon lahat ng thoughts na nagather ko bigla nalang mawawala. Bigla nalang ako matatahamik na yung sinimulan kong ipaglaban makakalimutan ko nalang while in the middle of talking.
I tried to tell him, I did. Many times, I failed. Ewan ko kung dahil gumagawa ba ko ng excuses na ayoko sya masaktan or yung excuse na ayoko matapos dahil parang magiging kasalanan ko dahil ako yung nanakit. Maybe I'm not afraid to hurt him. Maybe iniisip ko na ako yung masasaktan kasi di ako ganon (if I really know myself). Mas gusto kong umalis ng walang pasabi, ng walang ng explanation why. Feeling ko mas madali to act like I don't give a fuck.
Why? Because I have all this resentment in my head and heart. Naiipon sya kasi di ako nagsasabi. Nadala ko na naman yung toxic trait ko na nagpapahula ng nararamdaman sa tao. At the same time, I don't like to say anything kasi wala nga ko karapatan. Which I also fucking hate! Wala kong karapatan?? Bawal ako magalit kasi nga wala kong karapatan. Ano ba kami? Wala naman. FWB lang.
The thing that I also fucking hate is ayoko magkaron ng label. Kasi I know na di talaga sya yung nakikita kong the one for me. Di sya yung nakikita kong future ko.
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Thing I want to talk about. Pt 2
It happened. Wala na, tapos na. I'm already inlove.
Fuck feelings, fuck everything. Talo na ba ko?
Right now, what I'm feeling is kaba and takot. It feels like I want to vomit everytime naiisip ko na I'm inlove already. I want to cry, I feel so kawawa hahaha.
Why? Sabi nga nila diba, sa una lang magagaling yung mga guys. I mean that's true pero wth, ilang buwan palang you're already pulling back? Like that's so fast, di ko manlang naenjoy yung pagiging magaling mo kasi what you made me feel everyday is a mix of hot and cold.
Alright, I know that I'm also difficult. I'm also confusing. I don't know what I want. We treat each other as lovers. I want us to be lovers. Pero bakit ganon? Pinapafeel mo na agad sakin na di ako yung priority mo. You can't even reply to my messages immediately. Take note, naguumpisa palang tayo ha. I would totally understand if we are already years together. Like wtf?
Ganon ba ko ka pushover sometimes kaya akala mo di ako nagagalit everytime you don't give your attention to me? I'm fucked up kasi sabi ko ayoko ng relationship pero eto ako ngayong naghihintay ng chat mo.
Dati ang dalas natin magusap, nagrereply ka agad. You give off this vibe na pwede kita kausapin ng kahit ano pero ngayon I'm scared of what you'll react. Ganon ba kalala yung di ko pagbibigay ng boundaries? Like wtf. I want to be out of this bullshit relationship na pero I'm also scared of moving on phase na naman. I'm also scared of losing you. Right now, I don't know if its because mawawala yung ka play time ko or dahil mahal na kita. I'm super confused and hurt. Feeling ko kapag pinagana ko yung utak ko, mababaliw ako any second. I want to wake up from this dream of you loving me unconditionally haha.
I just want to pour my feelings out. Gusto kita tanungin kung ano na bang balak mo sa relationship natin kasi mukhang wala ka namang balak. You also just want to have a good time without responsibilities of a fully commited relationship. But of course, nasa utak ko to lahat. Di pa naman kita tinatanong eh hahaha.
You know, I'm just waiting na magstart na ko sa work para mabusy ule ako. Kasi alam ko mas madali akong makaka moved on sa no label relationship na to if I'm super busy. Not me waiting for you to reply for hours. Tapos nonsense lang yung usapan.
You know, I tried doing dating apps again. Talking to someone new, yung wholesome, yung deep talks. Pero I'm too tired ulit ulitin nalang lagi yung getting to know stage. I'm just tired of everything.
I want to talk to you about us, pero whenever we're together yung vibe is wala lang. I can't open anything kasi I'm too scared na baka madissappoint lang ako sa mga sagot mo. Sometimes, I miss you a lot na kapag magkasama na tayo ayoko mag open ng complicated topics kasi ayoko masira yung mood natin.
Pero this time, I would stand my ground na. I will talk to you about your plans. I don't to waste time anymore. I think I'm done with it na. If I sense na wala kang balak to improve yourself for me, I would get out. Even if it hurts, even if I will move on again. I will ask na. I'm done. I'm scared. I'm tired.
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Things I want to talk about.
Messages I will never send to you.
Hi!
Do you know how relationship works?
For me it's about accepting everything on that person.
Do you like me?
Diretso. Don't overthink your answer. Kahit ano pa yan di magbabago sagot ko if itatanong mo sakin pabalik. If may bilang sayo yung sagot ko haha.
For me, I don't want to be in a relationship with you. I can't accept everything about you. I have my standards you know.
You know why I accepted this set up. Kasi first of all, gusto ko maranasan yung no strings attached. Also to see if my emotions are strong enough. I'm practiving detachment kasi. Like I can definitely act like your nothing in my life kahit na pakitaan kita na parang ayokong mawala ka.
Which is what's happening now. I don't want to open this topic kasi ayaw ko mawala ka or magkaron ng iba. I know what we are, I know my place. It's not complicated, hindi tayo. Wala kong karapatan magdemand. I treat you as someone na nakukuhanan ko ng happiness. If you have that why would want it to be gone. Right?
Also at the same time, life happens. Anytime pwede ka maging cold or makahanap ng much better than me kasi di naman ako perfect. Di ako sexy, di ako super ganda. By then, I'll feel the pain of losing you.
Honestly sa ilang beses ko ng naranasan yon, nakakamiss din pala. Magmove on, mabroken, mabaliw. Yung feeling na parang gusto mo nalang mawala. Minsan winawait ko nalang yung time na dumating ulit yun kasi kahit naman magready ako mawawasak pa din ako.
You know why? Cause we have that connection already. I mean literally connected. You already took a part of me. Edi parte ka na ngayong ng history ko. Shocks, mukhang mas malala yung pagmomoved on ko neto.
So that's the thing. Lagi mo sinasabi sakin na pass ka sa FUBU. Kahit ilang bese ko pa sabihin na sa sarili ko na baka naman eventually maaccept ko din, everything about you. Pero ughh, nirereject talaga sya ng utak ko.
Sobrang people pleaser ko kasi, like I care so much about what other people would say. I'm working on it pero it's still a long way bago ko mabago yung gantong ugali.
If you don't want to continue this situation kasi feel mo matatalo ka dahil nagooverthink ka na baka di genuine yung pinapakita ko then maybe we should end this.
I don't want masanay sa everyday usap natin tapos biglang 1 day, maisipan ko nalang i-ghost ka kasi baka mamaya super inlove ka na. Masyado akong maguiguilty kapag di ko mababalik yung feelings mo. Deserve mo ng someone na kayang mahalin ka like your love. I don't think I'm that person.
Alam mo ba na naiisipan kong wag masyadong mangarap ng mataas kasi gusto ko same level lang tayo ng gusto. Para di ko isipin na baka nasisira ko yung ego mo. I mean parang maisip mo na di tayo bagay kasi ganto ako, tapos ganyan ka lang.
So there you go, I'm not sure if I can talk to you about this pero I'll try my best. Hahaha.
P.S I wrote this note last April 8.
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autumn witches
(previously: summer witches)
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I want too much, she thought. I want everything. I want day and night, sleeping and waking, world without end, amen. Someone warned her once that it was fatal to tell a man you loved him. ‘What I really want,’ she said, ‘deep down, is stillness, safety. The feeling you’d always be there. I love you. I think I must have loved you without knowing it all my life.’
Daphne Du Maurier, Don’t Look Now & Other Stories
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I’m going to tell you something: thoughts are never honest. Emotions are.
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If you’re asking me if I like your company, the answer is yes. If, on the other hand, you’re asking me if I could live without you, the answer is also yes.
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I crave affection; and run from it.
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You can’t force a relationship, and you can’t force the other person to care and love you the same way you love them.
glamdoll-z (via seulray)
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Kahit pala di ka naginvest ng feelings at kahit na akala mo wala kang ginawa kundi manakit lang. Kapag iniwan ka pala ulit sa ere ng taong akala mo special ka. Masakit din pala. Nasira na nga ego mo. Nafeel mo pa na di ka worth hintayin. After masanay sa ganoong routine na kahit 3 weeks lang. Nakakamiss din pala. Feeling lost. Chos.
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Do you ever feel so annoyed because you want to try things for a reason and then end up hurting someone? It’s the most shittiest thing ever. He said we’re friends. I thought he’s trying hard to move on. That’s why I tried to ask him some random question that has to do with someone who feels the same as he’s to me. Then he said those heartbreaking words. That literally shattered my whole world. And then I decided that if he wants to move on, I should help him. I’m the one who's suffering here. I don’t want to compare myself to how others survived this. Cause I want to do this my way. But because of my attitude. I think I’ll end up hurting him.
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