how I gotta react when my mom accuses me of having an ed (i do):

I binged yesterday (ate like 1700 cals)

Does anyone else not really count cals?

I keep a mental tally, but I don't track them. It makes it harder for me to ☆rve effectively if I track.

I'm junkorexic with brief periods of bodybuilder who isn't building their body.

Today my mom told me I needed to eat more because she noticed I have "lost a lot of weight" (it's only like 20lbs in the past 3 months)

It makes me feel better because she was calling me a cow and mooing at me whenever I ate not too long ago.

The feeling of my thighs no longer touching is comforting.

If I'm being totally transparent, I hate today's culture... I mean there is nothing to romantize anymore and I NEED to have something to romantize because I'm fucking obsessive . Dating now is doomed for you to be "ghosted" or it's all just meaningless, and don't get me started on gyms the gym used to be my safe space and now I can't walk in without running into cameras or ruining someone's video. I'm so tired of it, I can't even make friends with girls my age because I will be so judgemental based off what they say or the way they view the world scratch that they don't view the world they view how they impact the world and I am so over it. Its so depressing to me the fact I live my life online because I have only found community through a dead site full of broken people like me and it's so fucking sad. Anyway I just had to get that off my chest.

physically being unable to eat because of stress is great until you nearly pass out while walking home 2 days in a row.

that feeling when the jeans that were too tight on me a month ago are falling off of me>>>>

it's so awkward right now. i feel the fattest i've ever felt but factually that's not true. i weigh the same or less than my lowest weight from when i was 5 inches shorter

i desperately want to be androgynous. the thought of all my bones poking out without an ounce of fat or femininity. the thought of looking so gaunt that i am unable to be perceived as feminine is what keeps me going.

this guy i'm into keeps making comments on my lack of strength and how i look thin. he picks me up and carries me, comments on how light, and easy to carry i am.

i can't tell if he realizes how extremely giddy it makes me every time