MAY 27

shit where to i start yesterday i meet up with junior my i wanna say first high school boyfriend that i had. and bruh i got high not super high but still high enough to feel it and we ended up having sex he wasnt playing when he said he was gonna be rough like it was alright we went at it for a good amount till i started bleeding and we stopped. but it was alright he did like over hyped how good and how “big” his dick was, honnestly Alan (joels friend) has been the biggest one of all of 12 guys ive had sex with and even then he still wasnt good enough to have me satified so to my concluion dick size doent play a factor in me being able to finally experiance an organism, so far the only guy so has even gotten me hella close to one was luis and he wasnt even fucking me he was just fingering me, if i wasnt so scared to let lose and really let myself have it im pretty sure i wouldve been able to expenaice an orgams all on my own many times by now with just masterbating, but my fear of not having control of my body is what ruins things for me, maybe thats also why when i get high i havent been able to enjoy it like i see people do in movies or videos because im just now calm or enjoying it, i stay trying to fight it , fighting to gain control. anyways the sex was alright i had better, but i not gonna tell him that. being high help at least not focus much on if i like it or not it acttually help me to just enjoy it, and not over think it, next time when i go back im not gonna smoke to see how the sex really is, with me being aware and conncuisse i might drink just so i dont be all shy and shit cause the weed also help with that it helped me be a little more open, also th fact that junior was actually making converation with me and asking me things. we were both high anyways so being quite really didnt matter cause we would both doze off like its the next day so bacally its been 24 hrs now and im barely feeling normal again so for the high to completely ware off and be out of my system its takes more then 24 hrs, while sully over was telling me how in an hr it was gonna ware off, speacking about sully, her and this whole “wedding” of hers is just unbelivebale my mom says shes once again just trying to make me jealous or something like that but like if that was true it isnt working cause shes not even in love everthing was planned like nothing was a surprice, like those are the best things about getting enganged and getting married shes litterly only geting married because she doesnt wanna be alone, cause shes tired of fucking with dudes that in her words shes tired of being a dumbass and giving assholes a chance but its no ones fault but hers not being easy and having guys not  respect her i stay telling her she needs to stop fucking guys who clealry are only trying to get in her pants marrige shouldnt be a just cause things especially if getting married at a church in front of god, marrgie should be with someone you truly love and see your life with them forever , not just because your tired of “assholes” like its as simple as just staying single and waiting on the right guy to come along who isnt gonna ask for sex right away, like for me once a guy askes for sex right away i dont take them sereious, if i want to ill still have se with them and they could possibale be able to win me over if they want something serious with me but that doesnt mean that ima give in super easy with just the first lovey doevy thing they do but idk its hard to explain my way of thinking.

2022 coming to an end.

So this week will be December meaning only four more weeks before the year 2023, and here I am with less friends than I entered the year with, its been almost a month since Isael added me on Snapchat and Instagram but I give that either a few more days or till I post more pictures of myself till he blocks or unfollows me from Instagram, but while I’m typing about Isael I do wanna mention that a few days after he followed me and texted we did end up having sex, which I regret not only because he is married and with a child but because it wasn’t as good as it was, especially since he was recording me without me knowing and it was a total turn off for me.. will be having sex again I don’t know its really up to him cause I for sure won’t be texting to have sex anymore not like I used. So now I just have to wait on him to text me first. And my is that he is planning on us having sex again cause why else would he still be bothered by having me on Snapchat and still sometimes seeing my story. Right?

Another thing is that I really wanna have a change in my life, not just a physical change like losing weight which is also my goal for next year but also my lifestyle and appearance and overall being someone I’ve always wanted to be but either I was afraid of being judged or was too young to show my true self cause, to be honest, I do feel like my true self were I feel sexy and free and happy is a bit sexual so there’s also that but little by little not try to have a change overnight cause that would be too much to handle. But I need this and I want this and ima do EVERYTHING I can do to make it happen. Like I said little by little, for an example I started with my Instagram, I changed the color theme I’m going for so instead of a white bright happy theme I’m going for a more dark sexy theme lol so I removed basically all of my photos besides two that I already had up that fit my new aesthetic next is changing up my room, I’m gonna do a complete makeover on my room starting with the paint. I’m thinking of painting my room a light grey color on every single wall so ima only have one color in my room. I'm going to start to read my books so I can get rid of them and keep only my poetry books and my 50 Shades of Grey books. So to summarize my idea for my room I’m going for a black, white, and grey minimalistic plant style for my room which is gonna be kinda hard I think cause I already have a Mexican style for my room but I’ll see, I am also planning on getting a new bed that’s a bit smaller to have a bit more space in my room. There is only so much I can do with my room being so small. I’m going all over the place.

OMG!

Yall won’t believe me that 5 days ago isael unblocked me from Instagram and Snapchat and he added me on both like when I woke up to that notification on my phone, I literally stood up in total shock. he has seen my post and still has me he even texted me on Snapchat and he literally wanted to hang out but like should I even hang out with him? like he was a whole WIFE and kid. and I’ve told myself and other people that I refuse to be involved with a guy if he is married or as a kid, like the kid part it’s not that I don’t wanna be a step mom or anything like that but its more like if the guy either has a baby on the way and they still with the baby mamma or the is already born but the guy is still in the picture in a relationship with the mom like I don’t wanna be the reason why the marriage is over or the reason why the child won’t have a father involved in there lives while the mother cools off and forgives him and has more involvement in the child life basically if that made since I don’t wanna be a home wrecker. so with isael I don’t know what to do like we’ve known each other for 10 years now and we’ve basically been having sex for 9 years straight and only 9 cause this past year he blocked me and didn’t talk to me at all in which he got married and became a father .-. but anyways we have known each other for 10 years in those 10 years he has never been faithful to any of his girlfriends and I’m positive that he even cheated on his wife before they got married and before I even found that he was in a relationship so it’s like I kinda know him better then she does I know how he is so it’s like I don’t want her to get cheated in during her marriage like damn he doesn’t even have half a year married to her and he already wants to cheat on her??  I don’t even know what to think I wanna have sex with him I do but it’s not like I don’t sleep with him he won’t just find someone else and cheat on her, either way, like before my two reasons why I would in up telling his girlfriends that he was cheating on them was 1. I felt like they deserved to know even though it always ended up with them hating me as well and 2. because I wanted him for myself and I always hoped for a chance to be in a relationship with him but now I don’t want that I just want to have this type of secret “situation ship” with him and I say situation ship because I’ve always felt like deep down he did have some type of feelings for me, he did show interest in me he did sometimes show that he cared for me. in his own way obviously, at least I saw most of it during the first few months of us talking before we fucked and shit went downhill. so cause of the history we share, it’s like … do I wanna break my own rule for him?? am I just as bad as I accused of Vanessa even though with Vanessa I lied so would that make me worse than her? cause I would actually be a homewrecker? ugh, what to do what to do...

I’m back?

damn, sometimes I do be forgetting about my diary and diary Tumblr. any who everything is still pretty much the same except for the fact that now I know why isael wasn’t texting me for months and that reason was that he had a girl friend which is now his wife cause they got married and are recently expecting a baby girl that should be born any week now, and I know what your thinking, I was thinking that too damn he finally settle down or so I think because he texted me like a month ago I wanna say like he literally unblocked me from Instagram send me a message saying heyy and then I guess he decided not to see me or whatever and ended up blocking me again or I really could've just been Hella tired that night and was seeing things, as for thomas things didn't end will we got in a fight he said we were NOT friends and then went and told sully “Who would even wanna be friends with her” like wtf anyways right now hes is currently in the army and will soon be graduating omg I also forgot to mention that I found out that either Thomas is actually gay/bisexual, or that he is just experimenting but either ways he has been with guys and i was honestly sick to my stomach not cause i'm against it but just the fact that i didn't know and he was coming to my house early early in the morning drunk kissing me  after knowing that about him who knows where he was at before coming to my house and doing what like just the thought that he could've been giving head not even 10 minutes before arriving at my house to kiss me that was mainly why i felt sick cause he wasn't protecting me from getting any type of sexual transmitted diseases. but that was months ago now I don’t care at all. and I don’t know what else I can write about at the moment

what to say what to say … I have no idea what will be out of my life like I know i still have a few years till I'm 30 but and others that are just around the corner and are really about to be 30 I don't see them with there life set as I wish i had mine already, my birthday is in 5 months and in 5 months ill be 25 meaning ill only have 5 more years till I'm 30 and yet here I am with no real job, living with my parents, somewhat still depending on them, no boyfriend, meaning to baby any time soon or marriage but like I mentioned I know some who are very close to being 30 and I don't see them anywhere in life, isael for instance I know for a fact that if he didn't get married or was expecting a child in his life he would've still been at his parent’s house but the only difference is that he at least has a job and makes very good money or at least I think he does to be able to afford all the things he does to his cars, another example would be Christian he is literally on year away from being 30 and he STILL lives with his parents even though he has a girlfriend of 7 years and makes somewhat good money but I really don't see him at this moment moving out of his parents place. but then again they are guys, I’m not a guy obviously so I don’t want to compare their situation with some cause anything is sorta easier when you’re a guy. I have BIG plans that I want for myself but in moments like these I feel like they won’t ever be more them just plans, dreams, and hopes, but nothing is ever real.

old habits

Lesly and I have officially not been friends since December when she literally told me she wasn’t home when I went over to drop off things and her stepdad told me she was upstairs, like that was the last straw and I was officially done with her, cause like she literally had no reason to be like that with me since I have never done anything to her. Like if her reason was really just to be in Romel’s life more not that he’s a dad then she could’ve just told me that I would’ve understood perfectly that e couldn’t see each other any more shit I would’ve even understood if I wouldn’t be able to go over to any future parties anymore for a while. But no instead she wanted to act like a fake friend cause of it.

as for everything ii used to feel for romel, it’s like I tell sully I always always have a love for romel no matter what cause rather he it was all mainly bad he was still a huge part of my life, and I’m not gonna pretend like I never truly loved him but just cause I love him doesn’t mean that I want him back in my life. As for isael well that’s also someone I’m done with he hasn’t texted me in months it’s already been over a year since we last had sex, so I took him out of my life as well. 

but amidst all of these things, there is some good that happy, my friend with sully is still a bit rocky but I mean I love her no matter what she’s my best friend and that’s never gonna change no matter how much we get on each other. the main part though that has made me super happy but sad at the same time is Thomas, his hugs, spending time with him, talking to him, and even kissing him. everything was like a dream, even the few times he would show up to my house at 4 in the morning drunk telling how he feels about me and finding out that all this time he loved me he wanted something with me but me being so focused on romel I never saw that and here I was thinking that no ever loved me like I thought Romel did but I was wrong without realizing it I broke someone in the past someone who has always been so special to me someone who I’ve always thought about and cared about and wanted me my life, and now I’m the one broken cause I took me too long to fully admit my feelings for him. we still talk but it’s not the same anymore he doesn’t stop by anymore, he gets mad at me without even telling me. Like I want to talk to him we need to talk cause he may not think so but I know there are so many things we both need to tell each other and let out. I asked him like 3 days ago to come to see me but he couldn’t, I was planning to tell him and still do plan on telling him that tomorrow isn’t promised, for all we know today can be our last day, and if I were to die today I wouldn’t want to die regretting never saying what’s on my mind. to tell me that he makes me nervous cause I’m scared of saying the wrong thing to him, I’m scared of losing him if I do say the wrong thing, and that I know its too late for anything but I really wish that there could’ve been a recent opportunity for us to at least give each other a chance, but that I understand completely if he doesn’t truly feel the same way at all and not just cause he’s scared or that he doesn’t know if he can trust me but because he just feeling about nothing towards me besides friendship. I honestly would understand that and respect that now that I’ve said what I’ve been trying to save these past months, but that at the end of the day our friendship is number one the most important thing above anything else as in as long as we’re friends I don’t mind that he doesn’t love me back, but that even with him knowing what I feel for him doesn’t mean he still can’t confide in me or trust me with things or even ask for advice or just hang out like any other type of friend. he doesn’t need to worry about hurting me. cause as long as he’s happy I’m happy. 

Repeating old habits.

where to start, where to start? umm lets see well i dont really have any friends any more, lesly is out even thought i know that means not seeing mateo any more which i hate, but i couldnt be friends with someone who lied to me or at least didnt tell me about the new when they found out knowing i wanted answers and had my suppusions, my friendship with evelin well its there but not really cause we are as close as we were back then when we would go clubbing and stuff and as for my friendship with sully well basiclly this it has been going down hill, any time we talk its always disagreement and agruments and her making me feel bad and giving bad enegry , from the way she tells me things as if to see me hurt not caring about my feeling like okay one thing is to be strughtfoward and another is to propulsy say things in a mean girl type of tone if that makes sence, but i dont even care any more, yes it gets lonely but i think this is what i really need , 

Anyways about that news i was taking aout that lesly didnt tell me is that apparently romel (my ex) and vanessa are expeacting a baby and vanessa has know since the day of lelsys babyshower, lesly says it isnt true but romels sister said she was and a friend of theirs posted a picture tagging them both talking about a babyshower so seeing how they are compadres and romels family tells lesly any party event they having she must have found out. and if my caluations are correct if vanessa really is pregant she will be due in deceamber or in early january but a few weeks ago i saw videos of her celebrating her birthday and from how far along she should be with her pregancy she didnt even show signs of having a belly and when i went back on FB to resee the post they were tagged on about the babyshower is was deleted. and then i also noticed that romel unblocked mr from FB after 4 years and that led me to over think things but ugh i cant i was and still am so tempted to add him or at least messaged him on fb to ask him why he unblocked me but whats the point , plus what if it wasnt even him who unblocked me what if it was vanessa herself on his FB, i cant i cant let him back in as if he didnt cheat on me as if he didnt talk bad about me or let other talk bad about me concsdering im the “mother” of our “child” .

On another note in a few weeks well is friday 11:19pm so its basiclly saturday so baisclly a new week so in that terms next week is Isaels birthday and this year i finally really did finally get him persents i got him a watch that my mom helped me pick out and then i got him a necklace with his name on it which if he dosent want i may keep but i doubt he’ll let me keep it lol but who knows and then i also got him a keychain with his last name on and the state in mexico he was born in, and a day before his birthday or even on the day of his birthday before meeting up with him ima get him a bottle which my mom was the one who gave me that idea. I honsetly hope he loves what i got him i mean they arent big expenive gifts but i mean to start off with without knowig what he truly likes i think its pretty good presents and i really hope i see a good recation from him cause like my friends day. If he doesnt appecaiate the small things i got him then fuck him he aint worth me and also like evelin said she think he will that he at least will appreatiate it more then if it was gifts for romel cause last time i spend $300 on romel just for him to thank me and then a week later wanna meet uo again to call the cops on me all cause vanessa put him up for it and even took her that day ugh just remebering that day pisses me of like ugh i wish i couldve fucking fought her that day ! but yeah anyways at least that part i wouldnt ever deal with it with isael cause he aint like that.

Could this be A start of a new Book?

It's been like forever since i typed anything on here i even almost forgot my password, lucky i still have access to this email unlike my hotmail (msn) right now i'm currently at school pretending that i'm doing school work all cause i want to eat but can't because people are around and i feel like taking off my face mask for longer then i should, i didn't go to class , but i have work at 1 so why go home and waste money on an uber to go home and then to come back to work that would be 22 dollars spend on what wasn't necessary, i know i misspelling so many things right now , i'll just fix them later when i have time to reread everything i'm typing in case i end up wanting to change up some words, 

anyways where to begin ,romel is so longer part of my life , in way i was able to finish something without doing something that would've gotten me so much hate from everyone, i'm glad for once that he is no longer in my life , it was about time i was able to let go, as i always say ima always have love for him and no matter how much i get mad at him or how much he hurts me , i'll always love him, but i don't ever want him back (as if that ever gonna happen) and i'm never gonna be able to trust him, with what he did the last time he saw each other it was enough him to fully break my trust , as for isael well he's still kinda part of my life, still cheating on any girlfriends he has over in mexico with me, do i care not really, cause he will always be like that at least till he finds the perfect girl for him the one he sees his future with and wants to marry, which is what i want for isael, i want him to finally be fully loyal and faithful to a girl and have a family and be happy , although i know in the end it would be goodbye for us, from everything we are friends or not, but i truly want to see him happy with someone cause he’s almost about to be in his 30s.

Well i'm back days later cause i finally have more things in mind to write on to this blog, but rereading what i already typed i basically already said what i was thinking of saying , once again i'm in that point where im looking an seeing post of romel and vanessa and i'm over here thinking they actually kinda look good together and happy and just as i wants happiness for isael i also want  it for romel, i know if i tell this to my friends they wouldn't agree on me saying this cause with everything they've done to me to hurt me they don't think they deserve for me to want them to have happiness over me having happiness but that’s cause they don’t know about the things i’ve done, sully does and she even agrees that i should feel sorry for them or want their happiness over mine, so maybe even with my big lie they have a point. whenever i get this feeling of seeing them as a good match for each other is when romel decides to come back for something in my life but if and when that happens it will be up o me on rather i want things as in the drama to continue or to break the habit so i don't end up falling back into that dark hole where i can’t open myself up to love anyone else and trust anyone and most importantly be able to move on with my life either single or with a new person , but a new person and new relationship that didn’t start with sex or revolve around sex,  someone who loves me for me who loves me enough to have already decided that i’ma be the one they wanna marry just within the first few months , someone who loves me so much that they picture their whole future with me by their side, someone that i also will feel the same way, i know that's literally too much to ask for but anything can be possible, a girl can dream i’m used to being alone and single now i’ve had almost 5 years to get used to it.

A message to myself.

Why do you keep tormenting yourself , with the idea of you and Romel getting back together? You honestly believe he’ll come back ,that he still wants you ,that he still loves you? You think by working out to get skinny, having your teeth straight, doing your makeup is gonna have him begging for you back? NO! Wake up and open your eyes! You have to let go, you have to move on! You can’t let this consume you cause your just closing yourself from having a REAL opportunity for love. It’s been 3 years, he hasn’t once tried to stay in contact with you, so why wait for somebody who’s not worth it? Did you forget everything he’s done and said? How you lost all your friends cause of him, how your relationship with you parents almost went to hell cause of him? How controlling he was ? You couldn’t be yourself, you didn’t have that comfort and trust that real relationships should have.. he was manipulative, you couldn’t do what you want to do but he could do what he could without any consequence if you cheated on him you were the worst , you were a slut an easy pick; for goodness sake he called you a slut and that you couldn’t keep your legs close for guys like what type of a boyfriend would say that to his girlfriend like not even as a joke should that ever be said; you deserve a lot better you are worth way more than this then go back to that don’t let the feeling of being alone make you want or feel like you need to go back to him because you don’t and this is you telling yourself this and one day when you read back on this you’ll see I was right. Take this message you wrote to Francisco “How am I suppose to know why??! I’m scared I’m gonna end up alone I’m scared I’m never gonna find someone who’s going to love me & want to be with me I’m scared I’m going to die alone I’m scared that nobody’s going to remember me when I die I’m scared that once I die I die I’m scared of living I’m scared I’m just scared of life it self, I wish I was pretty I wish I was skinny I wish I was perfect I just want to be happy really happy I want to feel real happiness the type of happiness I haven’t felt for a long time..I used to cut because I didn’t know what else to do with what I felt and sometimes I want to cut myself again but I don’t want to die But then again I don’t want to live either. I was used to having guys constantly text me but ever since I started pushing all of them away because I felt like I was worth more.. but I’ve been feeling more alone than ever, I hate myself I’m mad at myself for reasons that are stupid.

I want to a real chance to be a mom you know.. but I feel because of the mistakes I’ve done that will never happen again cause I’ve made myself so unhealthy.. and I don’t think it’s possible for me to get pregnant ..” your mistake was having sex unprotected with a guy who openly admitted to you that he has had sex with so many girls before and while he was talking to you and yet it was your fault for still sleeping around with him just because he said he would get you pregnant. And now you’re not even sure if you’re clean or not cause even though you would have sex with Christian and Iseal you knew you were clean because they always use protection and weren’t having sex with other girls. But now you don’t all cause you wanted to me a mom and go to Romel you “ moved on” and was having sex with someone new just like him.

Your drunk now and all you can think of is Romel? Seriously stop it

 and now you’re alone again you had sex with him and you couldn’t even enjoy that because Vanessa kept on popping into your mind because imagining him doing it with her popped into your mind you couldn’t live in that moment and cherish every second of it , it felt good but different even though he told you he was single you just couldn’t enjoy it and you wish you had maybe you wouldn’t be as confused as ever maybe you’re not even confused maybe it’s just habit now

Over and over again

Romels second friend turned out the same , I meet new guys and they turn out the same , it’s an over and Over thing with these guys texting me like they want something serious and then end up only wanting me for sex . I should really do what I say which is take a break from guys , if the right one comes along then he’ll make the effort to talk to me and text me and get to know me without the need to jump into having sex with me.

Open to new love?

I’m done , holding on to the past. I want to fall in love again. I’ve had sex with romels friend and yesterday I was close to having sex with another one of his friends, but I didn’t not because I didn’t want to. It was mainly because it was unexpected and too fast, if I knew it was gonna happen I would’ve been ready for it and now looking back I actually like kissing him.. and If i could have a do over I would go for it. I’m scared tho of getting used for sex I mean I don’t mind but it’s not helping me find love again.. or even move on.

An email waiting to be read.

Hey..

I can’t believe I finally had the guts to email you , I’ve thought of it once but never fully went for it, now here I am typing you this. Who knows if you even check your email, where do I begin?...Hope you’re doing great, hope you’re happy and enjoying life to the fullest cause life is too short to waste it. I’m literally trying not to make this of myself, but i don’t know. I bet you tired of hearing this but can you believe even after all this time here I am still not over you. Here I am still loving you even tho you may not think it’s love considering all the things I’ve done in the past during our relationship and all this time since we’ve been apart, but it’s true. I decided to stop forcing myself to fall in love with someone else, as of now it’s been like 6 months since I’ve been with someone ;bet right now you’re like ‘okay? Why do I care’ well I’m just saying; all this time I haven’t been with someone and haven’t tried getting with someone is because I’m tired of trying to find you in someone else when that’s impossible.. 

A new day and once again I don’t know what to think, tomorrow is mateos birthday party and I’m already expecting to see you , her, and your family and it’s making me try and find an excuse not to go but nope I can’t I gotta be strong and overcome seeing you again cause damn it’s been 3 years since we’ve seen each other let alone be in the same room... (btw I doubt you’ll ever get this but I just needed to let everything out to you) (also apart from this email I also wrote a letter don’t worry it’s not a suicide letter)) ANYWAYS is it weird I’m starting to get feelings for a friend of yours and i don’t even talk to him? Cause I think that’s weird it’s like I think of you and I get sad and mad then I start thinking of him and get happy and feel stupid for thinking about him

So yesterday was Mateos party, wasn’t expecting you there cause Lesly said you may not go, i doubt you even noticed me and if you had most likely you were like “eww she let herself go” or “ugh I can’t believe I was with her” or maybe you thought nothing... I on the other hand couldn’t stop looking at you 💔, once Lesly got out the modelos I started drinking one after another back to back, cause I didn’t wanna be sad but that didn’t work out cause I ended up sad and cried I even threw up cause of how fast I was drinking, like I wasn’t 💯drunk but I was drunk enough to want to tell you the truth but then I went outside for a walk around the block to talk myself out of it, and drunk enough to text your friend.

 I want you to be happy Romel. (( depending if I have time I might just type out the letter here instead of sending it to you which most likely I wouldn’t have )) I honestly don’t expect you to ever read this or make it this far or even respond back don’t even know what I’m trying to get out of this but just know I love you

  The Letter: 

My beloved Romel, There is so much I want to ask but I don’t know where to start, what I’m about to say may be stupid to you and I would understand if you decide to stop reading this letter at this point, but I beg of you to continue reading this, and just letting you know it will be errors in my spelling anyways, I’ve been doing so much thinking in the past 2/3 years about everything and I can’t find the right words to ask for your forgiveness, I was a shitty girlfriend, you didn’t deserve to be cheated on, I wish I could take it all back but time doesn’t work like that. I don’t 100% know why I cheated except for the fact that I didn’t realize what I had was what I needed, you didn’t do anything wrong you loved me, so much, you never once hurt me. When I cheated on you I still didn’t know how much I loved you, how much I needed you in my life. Ever since we broke up I’ve been so lost, not gonna lie but I thought of ways to get you back, but you are so much happier and better off without me, I didn’t think it was good for us to see each other or get back together just for my own happiness, that would’ve been so selfish of me (I am making no sense at this point, I’m literally just writing whatever pops into my head which explains this ugly handwriting) anyways. I am not writing this letter to win you back, or to make you feel bad or whatever, I just needed to let things out starting with the questions i’ve been wanting to ask and get answers to for the past years since we’ve broken up.

Did you cheat on me? If yes why? 

why did you jump into your relationship so quickly? 

Was it true when Vanessa told me that when we were still together, you were talking about breaking up with me? 

When did you stop loving me? 

When you first got with Vanessa did you love her?

Why did you start a relationship with her not even a week after we broke up? 

Were you already seeing her while we were together? 

Were we not good the last few months we were together? 

Was I not enough for you? 

Why did you lie to me when you said Vanessa was only your friend? 

Have you thought of me since we’ve broken up? 

Have you ever thought of talking to me again since we’ve broken up? 

Have you ever thought of getting back together to work things out? 

Have you stopped loving me? 

Because I can tell you this I haven’t stopped thinking of you, I’ve always tried finding a way to stay in contact with you, I would want nothing else but to get another chance with you, you may not believe me but I’ve never stop loving you, no matter how hard I tried to forget about you I just can’t, and I hate that I can’t it’s not fair… Even I deserve to feel happy and loved… Don’t you think?

You know what’s weird, besides my spelling errors, that I still try and find a way to see how your health is, how your job is going for you, how school is going if you even going to school, and finding a way to help you like honestly if I had the money I would have literally payed for your whole college education (omg I can’t f***ing spell! -.-) ugh anyway you know what I mean, but sadly I don’t have that much money just laying around.

if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have passed like I wouldn’t have passed my math classes and graduated senior year, you may be thinking “how did I help” we’ll if it wasn’t to prove to you that I was smart to make you proud of how good my grades I wouldn’t have tried so hard in my math classes to get good grades. I remember once I got like a B I think it was and I was so happy to show you and when I did you didn’t even seem happy. I can’t fully remember what you said but it made me feel bad for not getting a prefect 100.. and it’s stupid that even tho we aren’t together I still feel like I need to prove myself to you and it shouldn’t be like that I need to prove to myself my worth and only myself not to anyone else.

That was all for the letter.-. Now I feel this email is hella long all cause I typed this into the email. If you ever decide to reach me you know where I’ll also be taking time away from the internet for a few months...

I’ll never forget you you’re my first real love ..

 So I was gonna end it here with this email but then I went on my old phone which is my brothers phone now and reread our old messages and I’m not gonna end my life ever so yeah don’t get ideas that this is a “goodbye email “, like you said you’ll never forgive me if I did anything to harm myself and what I want the most is your forgiveness and hopefully one day your friendship.. I also reread my messages with Vanessa and she was right I was being selfish and was only thinking of myself I can’t change the pass I can only accept it. Also that fact that I should’ve listened when you told me back then that you cared about me and even Vanessa knew you cared about I mean I don’t know if you really meant that or it was just cause I was pregnant at the time but I still should’ve listened or when you texted me how our relationship was important to you there’s so many things I wish I would’ve done differently and I wish I would’ve acted mature I mean who knows if I would’ve been mature with the entire situation you wouldn’t have had me blocked , I wouldn’t be emailing you this, shit we may have even been friends but no it wasn’t like that all cause my selfishness and me wanting you all to myself and not accepting that we were over. I still love you, and i want you to be happy. So even if that means accepting the fact I lost you forever and that your future is with Vanessa or someone else and not with me then I mean what can I do about that you know. 

So I don’t even know what the point of this whole email was if by any chance you got this far I don’t know if this was a ‘I miss you and want you back’ email, ‘need answers to my questions to be able to move on’ email , like ugh I don’t know 😣.

Actually no I do know, i love you i truly do and I miss you but i don’t wanna get back with you we both know our relationship was far from perfect it was toxic, i barely have good memories of our relationship, like I told Lesly once I feel like what’s holding me back is the fact I had so many things I needed to ask you so many things I needed answers to but anyways in case I don’t hear back from you when I get back on my social medias and only see that you unblocked me then I guess I’ll know you’ve read this and decided to forgive me... I know in the future when I finally am able to move on and have my life sorted out   ima look back at this and think how ridiculous I was and be so embarrassed I ever wrote something so cringy but 🤷🏻‍♀️anyways I guess that’s it, wish you nothing but the best. all I want for you is To succeed in life and to be happy and healthy ..

I might have just wasted all this time typing out all of this but I don’t lose anything by doing this so fuck it. 

     Love,

Esme 

Back to square one?

Saying I finally moved on was stupid of me.. it’s almost gonna be 2 years in 4 months... and im still here dreaming of him, thinking of him , hoping I’ll see him , wishing we’ll get back to getting convincing myself that it could still happen .. I was doing so good , where did I go wrong ? Is it having his girlfriend on my Snapchat and seeing him through her story not helping me? What could it possibly be, cause I don’t know, or at least I don’t think I do

The aftermath of everything.

10 months later from my last post I can now say that I’ve moved on of course part of me will always love him part of me will always think of him remember all of the good memories we’ve shared but now I can only hope that he will or has found the happiness and love That I couldn’t give him or that he couldn’t find with me it’s took me a while but it’s for the best even if we were to have gotten back together like I said things wouldn’t be the same anymore I would end up questioning everything I wouldn’t feel special at all anymore two months after my last post Ameri that I couldn’t give him or that he couldn’t find with me took me a while but it’s for the best even if we were to have gotten back together like I said things wouldn’t be the same anymore I would end up questioning everything I wouldn’t feel special at all anymore two months after my last post I met a guy whose name is Joel he’s the typical fuck boy the one who talks about sleeping with so many girls the type to go clubbing drinking and smoking type of guy who can’t love anyone she has two kids still talks with the mother of his kids when I met him it was obvious that he still loved her The way I loved my ex and in. away we were both trying to get past our break ups with our exes Little by little I ended up falling for him I ended up sleeping with him something that happened because of him like having his best friend have sex with me and him a.k.a. it threesome and then taking me to the club with some friends of his and letting me get raped And him just being a bystander and doing nothing to stop it and calling me crazy for wanting to call the cops I still fell for him and I still continue to fall for him, he help me move on he help me realize that I can find love again although I know what I feel towards him isn’t real and it’s more of a thank you for him being there for me and coming into my life when I needed it the most But that’s not the main reason why I can say that I finally move Don the main reason was the conversation that I had with Romel what he told me that his now girlfriend Vanessa had a miscarriage I remember always telling myself and my friends but the moment I find out or at least know about them having sex will be the end of it because of course with me if me and him would have ever gotten back together I could’ve overlooked the small details that he may have done with her and is now doing with me Or was doing with me and then with her again but the fact that he slept with her and then having him back and sleep with me just wouldn’t be the same because then I would just keep on thinking and questioning and comparing our sex life over theirs. I know deep down below to meet him one shared is still there will always be there because I do believe that we were our first true love at least I hope it was that way. That is the main reason why I finally was able to move on I guess deep down I was already moved Don I was just blinded by the hope that maybe me and him when they get back together and that I just needed I just needed to know even if I didn’t want to know I needed to know if they were having sex or not and the fact that she basically got pregnant , was it for me I couldn’t keep going with the idea of maybe us getting will back and knowing that he was going to have a baby with someone else that wasn’t me that THEY were gonna have a family that she was gonna be the first to give him the family I wanted to give him. Yes sometimes going back and thinking that hurts me but then I think of my future what I want out of my future I want to prove everyone wrong I want to prove his family wrong I want to prove him and his girlfriend wrong all his friends wrong anybody who doubted me who thought I wasn’t gonna overcome it that I was gonna lose myself I want to prove them all wrong

endless love.

5 months later and here I am still the girl crying and feeing empty inside. still wondering what I did wrong too have lost him completely for good... wondering if there will ever be a part in the future where we fall back to each other, and actually stay together for good.   

now its almost going to be 6 months.. 6 months that I haven't gotten over him and 6 months that he's been with her.. still figuring out how to win him back.. I did won it before but it wont be the same no more cause I will always be questioning him, questioning his feelings toward me, asking if what he’s saying, telling, giving or even touching me. the way he did with her.. I wont feel special no more I wont feel like I was and still a the only girl he does/shares certain things with..

while he's over there caring and worrying and focusing and loving her..im over here doing all that for him while he doesn't seem to notice or even care.. wondering rather he’s sick or doing great, wanting to know what he’s doing.. if he's being safe, if he's doing great at school, (which he kind of isn't at the moment) and seeing how I was always a supportive girlfriend I just got in the habit of asking to help him asking if I could help with any of his school work so I can make sure I will see him walk that stage and know that he graduated with good grades.. 

Is this it?

Is this how it's gonna be, a life of emptiness, a life of torture, a life with no love or even a sense of happiness.. is this what my life has become? Is this how my life is meant to me? Losing the love of my life to some girl? A girl that's younger then me a girl that has everything I don't a girl that could give him what I couldn't give him? Was I not good no more, was I getting to old and worn out? Was I too used.. did I not please him good enough 😔💔.... losing the love of my life, the father of my unborn child... the one guy who at one point showed me what REAL true love is... the guy who at one point showed me that there's more then just sex in a relationship... is my life just a mistake, is my life just A pit of despair, and agonizing way of dying slowly without knowing.. is this what life is? A life where I sadly wake up everyday, and have to comfort a new day, where I fake a life of happiness to others, where I have to put on a smile and give a fake laugh every once an while to make the "happiness" more realistic... one thing for sure was that with him it was actually TRUE happiness, but now that got taken away from me like everything else... Is it worth living? Is it worth suffering? I don't think it is... as days pass the more I suffer and the more I'm set on ending my life... nobody honestly wants me alive, so why stay alive? I've have never felt so alone.... not like this... 4am and still awake 😔 just thinking 💭 and thinking 💭 of everything if deep down if it's all worth it... he'll never love me again, he doesn't even love me now. His mom hates me so much, and knowing him he won't go against his mom just for me... why would he... when he doesn't even want and maybe he even regret ever getting with me 😔💔, crying late at night with a broken heart that's so broken you could even say my chest is cold and empty... the good thing about having I guess my secret blog is that I can feel like I'm telling the world my life and not getting judge for it...

Final Chapter : 05/11/14

never thought this was how we would've ended it for good, leaving me for a friend and friend that disrespected your girlfriend a friend you said was supposedly  proud of us and respected our relationship.. you let her (Vanessa) come between us defending her and not me and you lied saying how you dropped both of us when in reality you only dropped me cause turns out you talking to her at school still and hugging  her and walking with her and supposedly  you have/had her as your home screen. You said you loved me but we both know that isn't true.... I never thought I would say this,but you past my limit. I still love you romel so much... hopefully you notice before its too late how much I loved you.

not the same

so many things have happened, yall broke up, we got together we broke up , yall got together , then broke up , I thought we were together then I lied about me being pregnant   we got back together then broke up yall got back together we got in fight about the ‘baby’ yall ended breaking up cause that was the only way I would've let you in the ‘baby's’ life but you still loved her... I made a fake account and started to talk to her to make sure yall were done for good, tried to make her forget about you by pretending to my guy cousin and it worked 2 weeks later I faked an abortion cause I knew I wouldn't be able to lie any longer (forgive me god) and then 5 days later you gave me a second last last chance cause you still were in love with me and that's when I told you the truth about the account I made to talk to your ex yulissa  Sofia Ortega things started to get back to normal but then school started for you, first week was still all good second week sorta and then this the 3rd week by the last 2 days we became so mean saying things that really hurt me like not being proud that I graduated or that I'm going to collage that you only proud of yourself cause you on track and I wasn't or yesterday  on Friday at the home game where you got on my phone and started to delete guys on my Instagram or unfriended people on my snapchat cause you know I didn't like them or cause they commented on my story saying  I got a nice body but yet when I asked or wanted to do the same on your phone you hid you phone and sad no... times like this I question myself if it all worth getting hurt if its all worth still being with you while you keep treating me like this only thing that's left for you to do is hit me ...