One of the longest days.

Today felt like one of the longest days. Aside from waking up at 7am and not getting back to a bed to sleep in until now (3:40 am), it felt like a long day.

Aside from having a packed schedule and socializing from breakfast to gold and alcohol, followed by board video games and alcohol, walking in the 20 degree weather until it got dark outside and everyone became cold hungry and tired, followed by more alcohol and attempting to go to a bar, it felt like a long day.

I think meeting new people is tricky for me. I’m not for everyone and everyone is not for me- this is inevitable. And although these people weren’t brand new to me, they weren’t familiar. Some gave me cold shoulder and side eye vibes- whether they meant it or not. I mean. I was a stranger/ guest attending and event of friends who knew each other. Not that they owed me anything but no introductions, connections were lukewarm or non existent. I didnt know if I belonged, granted I’m only here for a few days or whatever.

That, alongside just having short attention with my picky social skills. Games and such can only entertain me for so long before I disconnect or want to disassociate. Followed by alcoholism. While okay and understandable, I personally do not like the idea of drunkenness as I’ve heard and seen experiences of the after math or result and I myself also do not know what I am like when out of mental control and awareness. Would I be a threat to myself or others?

Anywho. With pressuring and pushing glasses and shots in my face, I pridefully cockily took them down. Water was offered and I rejected in a petty response as they wanted me drunk and then it would be easier to do a gut full of alcohol.

Fast forward. We are buzzed and we go to a bar. The bars line is huge and there are some unsightly loud ignorant people- it is a bar. And the interactions with neighboring waiting people was unpleasant. The number of people trying to squeeze in or acting and speaking messily because of alcohol made me want to leave. And I thought about it for the 20-30 minutes we were in line as others pushed or busted or had racist or snarky comments. And we were a few steps away from going inside. “I cant do this. I’m gonna just walk back and wait for yawl. Take your time.” “Are you sure.”

Silence. We approached the bouncer and I didn’t even try to take my wallet. “Can I go out this way,” I asked as I started walking away from the club and began to google map the apartment our friend lived in near by. They texted me. I physically was okay, though tipsy, and just wanted an escape. I emotionally and socially and mentally did not want to do it. And they worried. But I just wanted to not go.

And then I began to drown in my thoughts and fears. I dont think there were regrets in that time, but I still felt bad. Why am I like this.

And the day didn’t end. Hydrating and feeding everyone when they got back took forever. I didn’t want them to return soon as I would’ve assumed they came back for me. The cleaning up things was quiet and awkward. I couldnt tell if people were tired or giving me dark, shady but valid looks. I mean I fucking left them at the bar. I , the oldest, left them.

And when asked if things were okay, I couldn’t believe their “yeah it’s fines” or the “don’t worry,” as I do the complete opposite. My heart was and is heavy. I suck. And as a guest, they are trying to help me have fun. But I sometimes think I dont need much. And some of these moments here and there were just that to me: much.

I’m sorry. But today felt like one of the longest days. Am I just an impatient asshole and therefore cannot or do not enjoy many things. Am I just so self centered that joy is only determined by me. Idk.

I guess we shall process. My anxiety and overthinking are like sand bags tied to my chest and legs. I feel heavy. I am heavy.

Where is the lightening and the light. Sigh.

to retreat

It’s been a while. It’s been a lot. I am writing this from my living room floor in front of the tv, recovering from crying for at least 5 minutes while watching a Korean drama. The drama is slow but dramatic, which is perhaps why is draws out my tears and makes me think of everything.

Anyway, from being tired and annoyed and stressed at work to seeing if i’m depressed and or some type of bipolar via google and s I . I can’t help but think of the past since the future already gives me anxiety and uncertainty. At least the past is certain, at least my point of view and understanding of it. 

Just now, I’m thinking of retreats and just moments of sharing. Sharing is not easy when it comes to feelings and thoughts. My thought processes and logic are already skewed and unknown to me, so imagine trying to put that into words to be tangible to others. Add that on top of growing up and being told that crying and whining was in-manly or gay. Alongside the societal standard that men have to be strong. It is confusing. It is conflicting. 

I remember My last youth retreat. It was either 2013 or 2014. At retreats there are always times put aside for sharing. Why did I decide to share? I dont Remember exactly. Maybe it was pressure or maybe it was thinking that this was one of my last times being able to speak my mind on how the past few years affected me (and still sit in my head to today). I had Shared about not feeling loved or heard even though it was something people tried to say and do and express. I shared About being alone even when I was Surrounded by people who wanted anything but to make me feel alone, but it happened. And I had cried in that moment for 20 minutes. And boy do I hate crying. 

Crying does that thing to you sometimes where if it’s Real, its more like an ugly cry. A cry where your voice is shaking and breaks. Where you are trembling and it’s hard to speak and breathe. It was one of those cries. And I remember people just being so silent because it was unexpected and awkward. As it is. Not that I wanted A reply then and there. I probably Cried for twenty minutes just because everyone else talked about similar things like guilt, fear, sadness, feeling unloved in and out of the church. 

And the prayer. It was generic. And I selfishly felt salty as the main focus of prayer was regarding the youth who shared about his struggles of being new and having diabetes. 

But even after that. As my eyes were sore and felt bruised from taking all the moisture out of my head and from being rubbed and dried out, I bumped into my mentor. Our eyes met and nothing was said. And I just Broke more. There’s a lot tied in as well, but long story short I was hurt and excluded and salty from past things. /if 

It took me several years to decide that I wanted to meet with my mentor and to tell him everything. From secrets, to hiding and hurting alone, to not knowing how to feel or think. I was so dramatic that I remember saying that I don’t think a mentor is someone I rarely see, but of course a few weeks after that I had regretting saying even that. 

But it happens often. Perhaps its inevitable with life and progression and adulting. Why did they not tell us this in high school and college? That people just grow apart because of time and obligations and families and jobs.

This is all over the place, but so am I.

I dont know where I’m going with this bt anyways. TTYL. Maybe ill start posting here again s nice I dont have the patience to write but my feelings need to go somewhere since I suck At sharing and processing my mind. And while/if I dont have professional help. 

We shall see. 

Distance and dissonance; just ranting and clouting?

The distance. Whether it be time, physical, emotional, relational, social distance. The distance is unknown. The distance is uncertain. The distance is darkness which encourages fear and anxiety.

Why is there distance. Is it because you know that distance causes me to be uncertain and to over think things. Is it because you don’t know what distance does... is it because you don’t care- although this is not likely the case and you are probably busy with your own dozens of things to juggle.

Is it because I’ve been forgotten- although this too is also not the case. But my pessimistic sad lonely mind dares to convince myself this is possible- that I’ve been forgotten and therefore need to say or do something to be noticed again. That although words of affirmation don’t hit me as hard as quality time, acts of service and gifts, that they still hit to some degree. But is it because I’ve been forgotten. Or am I just needy and selfish and can’t see beyond my own wicked scope.

And I also hate initiating. I hate the concept of having to say or do something first in order to get something. I hate the vibe of initiations, that a party (such as myself) has the audacity and boldness to take a step on the stage to ask of something from someone. That I must intrude on ones time to ask for something for me or with me. Is this also why you allow distance, to get me used to initiation? Because it doesn’t always help, but also as much as you can’t tell what’s going on with me and my head I cant tell what’s going on with yours. I dont know why you’re leaving me on read or on silence. I dont know if you’re waiting for me to speak up or not feel selfish in asking to talk or meet up. I dont know if you’re actually busy and get lossed in the sauce because you’ve got plans and people to attend to. I dont know if you actually forgot me or assume that I dont need you or want to share time and talks with you because I dont say It outloud. I dont know if you can’t read between my likes or if you choose not to, in thinking it’ll get me to grow or be more confident.

Le sigh. We go weeks at a time, months even. There have been times where it’s been two to three months, including now.Where there has been no formal connection or time to chat.

I dunno how to feel or think. I dont know how to act or react. There’ll probably be a point where people read this or a point where people will just message me randomly and recall I exist. Or there’ll be. Big shrugs dude.

To what degree am I lying to myself when I lie to others or just don’t tell the whole truth.

When I’m faking that I’m okay, but in reality something is and has been bothering me, is that healthy?

Ugh. 😔

Okay I was gonna be supes spicy and post this on Instagram but ehhhh. Anxiety and fear had gotten over me sooo:

Random ish rant totally uncalled for and unlike me post; but there’s that movie- Sarah Burgess is a Loser- which is soooo cringey and UNCOMFTY, but the moral and the song of the story is such a mood. Because (spoiler), the main character who is a “fat” and “ugly” person has a fake identity (catfishin) as a pretty, popular girl. And basically, when the truth comes out that she’s not this girl, that she’s herself, she writes a song to explain her dilemma. It goes “I’m a sunflower, a little funny. If I were a rose, maybe you’d pick me. If I could I’d change overnight, I’d change into something you like...” and like... That shit is real okay. There are so many standards and expectations. Societal, cultural, local, religious, personal, interpersonal, familial, whatever. There’s so many things that are ranked or qualified as good or bad. And although I know it’s inevitable, it still fucking hurts and depresses to know that these qualifications of beauty or success or preference work against me both internally and externally. And like. I’m so exhausted but also lost in all of in. Investing time and emotional/social effort into things which I’m not even sure if they grow me as a person or whatever subcategory Of calling or identity or whatever you wanna call it. I’m struggling to be all things. And I dont know if it’ll be something I’ll ever be able to get over. Perhaps I’m hopeless. Perhaps I’m broken. Or as Navorski says in “the Terminal,” “ I am un-acceptable.” And I’m just like??? What am I supposed to do? Completely toss out my whole life or being because it doesn’t spark joy? Or give my whole sense and idea of self up because it’s an abomination?

I dont know.

(Emo)tional

There’s that question on the Myers Brigg’s Test that asks “Do your feelings control you? (Or do you control your feelings.” And I always select strongly agree (that my feelings control me). And I feel like today it’s hitting me pretty suddenly.

Like probably the weather, which actually doesn’t affect me often. Or maybe because there were opportunities to do things with others but I went off to doing things alone, thinking it’d be a good chance to do some walking and exploring (both physical and perhaps bits of self/emotional exploration). But idk. The weather became gray and gloomy and uncomfortable, as did I . And I feel like I can say random things that may be associated with how or why I feel petty or grudgey or conflicted at little things and words from others, Bt for the most part the emotions get me.

Like I fall into these clouds of bitterness and negativity and don’t realize the full depth or meaning or potentially ill intent of things I say and do during these times until it passes. Like as though my life and thought processes and feelings aren’t messy enough. And is it just the fact that I’ll always have my moments, days, and sometimes even seasons where I’m a cynical, shady downer? That I’m too weak and sometimes overly empathetic on one hand, but on the other hand I’m a cold, selfish angry old man of a biotch. Sometimes these thorns grown into me, into my flesh and sides to make me tense. Other times these thorns grow outward as a defense mechanism to push away all that seems to come my way; protecting me from imaginary threats.

Oof. Lord help me for i know not what i am doing.

Update:

The word is

“Articulate,”

Which is/was a goal of mine. To do more of. But I havent been too keen or dedicated... so another oof

Note to self & selves

Hi. It’s been a while. Haven’t posted, semi intentionally. But I think in general, expression is not something that is done often even though I have more free time, but simultaneously there’s a bunch of processing but not a lot of doing or reacting. The processes just tangle up and build up, so perhaps this is coping strategy. Or this is just the start of something that may or may not come back as a thing.

But anyways.

I think something that has been a thing for myself as well as for many others I have been blessed with(and or observant of) is that people who take care of other people may struggle to take care of themselves. For me, it’s a matter of willingness but also a mix of love languages that I utilize to show loves/care/consideration- the mix being quality time/acts of service / gifts (which, sidenote, are my giving love languages, not always/necessarily my recoding love languages lolol). Like I’m someone who doesn’t mind cooking for someone or buying something if it’s not entirely out of my way, especially since it means i can also flex some of my thoughtfulness and skill in a way that works for me (#TypeOneTendancies). But yeah. I think trying to care of people who I appreocate or, to some extent, love is something I can and sometimes want to do. But in terms of taking care of myself, I’m not always great at it. It’s something I often shrug off, or I just bottle up everything until I melt or explode.

But more upsettingly would be when others I care about, care so much for me, but have a rough time taking care of themselves. And it’s sad because they give so much love and grace and time, but then they stumble either when it comes to loving themselves or receiving love. And it makes me feel selfish for being so tangled up with myself and my own “problems” that I didnt even notice or catch up or take care of these people. And I’m just like, why? Why, @ myself do i struggle to take care of myself but also take care of people when it matters. Bt also why @ God is life like this,

Idk. I don’t even know if this is a rant or a question or anything. But honestly, right now I just feel so emotionally drained from sharing but also listening and empathizing. And in general, I’ve been a mess and my feelings have been a mess. So. Idk.

Tune in next time, maybe, when I have time or effort or conviction to try and write or whatever that word I can’t think of right now. Oof @ life tbh.

🙃

So far...

Hello again everyone and self. It’s been a while. I think, again it’s just because I’ve been busy or just lazy to type and post, but also that I’ve somewhat been invalidating how I’m feeling and processing things- but I dont think in a bad way. I think more just like... I’m trying to not overreact to things I usually would for the sake of mental, emotional health.

That being said. This is gonna be kinda long, because a bunch has happened but a bunch also has not happened or been said. And I think rather than telling people directly, posting here allows whoever to check in on me whenever (or not) while also keeping myself accountable of what I’m apparently saying or doing at the moment. So yuhhh. Here goes.

So first, there was a moment or two where people asked me to meet up (mentors lol). And I think less than half the time, I stir up courage to message or text these people because 1. They’re busy and forget things often and 2. Why say meet up and not do it. But I think in the midst of business and uncertainty of the new year- jobs, duties, responsibilities, children, life, etc- that I didnt want to say anything. It was also because the bigger half of the time, of those people are actually available, that they’d follow up with a text or message too asking or suggesting when was a good time. None of the few people had done this, but I dont think I was upset or flustered. I think I had tried to be content because i was aware of everyone’s business. It was also sprinkled with bits of doubt because, as always, I’m unsure of what we’d talk about when we meet. That, and or I just don’t know how I’d articulate everything that I’m actually feeling or wanting to feel in the moment that we’re there. I also fear that I’d be too selfish in those moments as I judge what’s worth talking about and what I “actually” care about. But I think its just been me not really trying to worry or care much. But now that things are happening, I feel like meeting up will just get more difficult as schedules and responsibilities, theoretically, continue to grow and expand apart from each other. So on one hand, I feel bits of regret because I feel like there’s things i need to say or explain more (which I’ll do in part later), but also because I need to be less selfish and appreciate that meetings are not just for me but they’re for both and every side. That things are given but also received from these interactions and what seems to not be a big deal to me may make a difference to others. But me, being my type one and pessimistic usual self, am working on these things.

Therefore, as we approach the day that I had initially marked as my “last day,” I think there’s things I havent explained and it would be best explained one on one. But I feel like my angst and over thinking would stumble my words and keep me from being able to say it. And again, I didnt want to directly message just for the sake of convenience and consideration, but also, when people see or figure out, they’ll see. When they know they’ll know. If they know, they’ll know. If never for a while, then that’s okay too. No hard feelings hopefully.

But. Yeah. The offer for me to just stay where I am has Been extended. For me, it seems like it would be for several different and small reasons. One of those being that I often Express a discomfort and Semikey disgust toward other fellowships in the church. This is because my experiences with some of the people or my history with them has not been golden which causes things like doubt, unwillingness, and fear. Another reason being that I also keep saying that I’m not ready to move on—- although I’ve somewhat overstayed due to complications with school (aka school itself)- That I did not want to leave into a new environment of expectation and obligation. I think it was also because I said I’d rather check out other church’s rather than stay if I am expected to deal with such situations.

But i think as I am right now, I dont want to think staying would be good for me. I think I’m also trying to not be completely pessimistic and attempting optimism by giving things a chance, but anyways... I had said it “would be burdensome,” but I think I didnt Express what that meant enough. I think staying longer would be burdensome because Id feel like I’m being granted an easy pass lol. Like. I’m being given an easy way out/in because of my bowl full of apparent Inadequacies, uncertainties, and excuses. I also feel as though I’m being told to go out and be fruitful (spirit of the fruit, cuz we know that i shouldn’t be making no biological fruit and offspring soon), but I’m here saying that I feel fruitless. And although others say that they see my fruit and that fruit is good and steadfast to Gods goodness and love, it’s hard when I dont feel progress. But I think its just more of the growth aspect.

I feel as though staying would make me feel like Im unwilling to grow or grow up. Like, moving on or moving elsewhere is an unavoidable part of life and adulting. And so, I feel as though the burden would be more on me. Things like Shame, guilt, immaturity, unwillingness. Things like “they did this for me because I am not hopeful.” And I think even as one of my mentors semi jokingly (?) said that they should just take over SNL also made me shrink because they’re already so busy and preoccupied that if they took this on somewhat for my sake that I’d feel even more terribly selfish... I think the burden would also be that If I cant or don’t want to move on, that i myself would create images of disappointment; that even if no one else is saying or expressing disappointment towards me that I’d probably stitch some thoughts and lies together to make myself see disappointment in myself for not being able to attempt to survive on my own elsewhere...

I think also, I am trying to be optimistic and give things a chance. Although I’m not a hundred percent confident or sure, I also don’t want to be the usual me and just swerve situations just because I’m not confortable and familiar... I dont want to be complacent because I fear or cringe at what else is there. I think being triggered is okay, but letting me affect it too much can be tiring. But idk. As evident as it seems, I’m thinking a lot. Perhaps it’s over thinking, but i don’t think I sound completely crazy lol.

But yeah... idk. I still feel as though I should maybe have this conversation with people one on one, but if the stars don’t align or schedules and confidence levels don’t show, then oops. I also just don’t want to make it seem like I left or am trying to leave on completely bad terms. But I also hope that I’ll still be able to meet and hang around... I’ve lost enough connections and i don’t want to break more even though I’m probably Lowkey sociopathic and can’t always do well with people.

Yay. Lol. Is this articulation. Because I feel parched and tired already just from this all. Oof.

Wellp. Who knows if 2019 will be another year of hiding and posting to myself, or posting for the sake of accountability and mental health, or if it’ll be less posting because of like. Hm. I’m not entirely sure either tbh. Haha. Especially because I’m not entirely sure if tumblr and how i use it is healthy or helpful either. I guess we shall see.

Rut the Heck

So like. Uh. Lol. Yikes. Don’t even know what to say.

Hm. I feel like. I’ve been stuck in a rut. And I know I say that a lot. But like. I’m stuck. Like I’m so stuck that I dont know what I should or want to do for the most part. Like today, sitting in a cafe with pen and markers and paper and brush. And usually I’d be going at it, or I’d have random ideas or quotes or words I’d want to test and dooodle. But I was and am just so stuck in a rut. Like every kind of hole or stumbling ground you could think of, I was probably falling or already fell in one. Emotional. Spiritual. Identity. Career. Appetite. Social. Energy. Physical. And so, as I stared at the papers and pens and attempted, I tored and crumbled the papers. I couldnt think of what I wanted to do. I couldn’t think of what exactly to write or doodle. I was stumped because I was feeling a whole lot of everything, but doing and feeling a whole bunch of nothing. Minutes of just staring at the still blank sheets and trying to breathe. When I did finally write and think i planned something, I still felt discontent and unsure in what I was doing and why and how. But I kept going, just for the sake of doing something.

And yeah. I dunno. I know ive been told so much. It’s okay to be not ready. It’s okay to be unsure and uncertain. It’s okay to be afraid or anxious or emotional. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to question or doubt. It’s okay to wonder. It’s okay to think and process. I think even today, as the pastor stood up there and told us we need just hold fast onto and know God in order to be able to overcome or look past and not be defeated by our circumstances. That our surroundings don’t really matter or shouldn’t matter if we truly know God and trust. But like. How. Like am I just supposed to keep my head faced upward when I’m stuck in a ditch. Am I supposed to be standing in an analogical grave, close my eyes and just be reminded “wow there’s something good planned out and it’ll be great.” But like. I know I’m not in the right, but like. Idk. I know I shouldnt be like this and shouldn’t think. ESP since I’m on the edge (again) of thinking “it’s easy for YOU to say your circumstances this and that...” because seemingly it doesn’t seem that bad. In fact it kinda seems ideal but what do I know.

But like. I know that I’m skewed rn. That I’m supposed to have this Christ Centric life that my life grows on, when I’m still ego and self centric and trying to come to God on MY compromised terms. But idk. I’m just so stumped. Like it’s hard to receive the word and trust in it. It’s easy to regurgitate it. But to take it and be nourished. To accept and act it out.

I am stumbled. I am stumped. In so many ways.

And idk what I want or need. Like god or whoever. Or something. I dont even know. I’m so gray from all this. But I wanted to at least just rant and spit it out online for the sake of sanity and self check.

But yikes and hey, back in the rut: perhaps deeper than over. I wonder how 2019 will be to me.

Jk don’t wanna think about it.

Wow hello it me

7 Signs that show you’re negatively attached to the past

1. You can’t, or won’t, talk about it.

2. You’re constantly being hit by “those same old feelings.”

3. You can’t relax and be yourself with certain people from your past.

4. You’re attracted to partners who treat you negatively.

5. You over-react, and find it hard to calm down.

6. You have poor boundaries, and always feel you’re being used.

7. You’re always making poor decisions, and repeating old mistakes.

Um oh...

So I think. It’s hard to post or to type. Um. Yeah. It’s like. There’s so much going on, and yet there’s not much happening at the same time. And there’s lots of expectations and things I shoukd do, but there isn’t much doing or applying. And this is definitely the same for my feelings and thoughts as well. Like I see people, but i don’t. I communicate but i don’t. And in my mind I’m processing through so much, but at the same time i feel like I’m not progressing or getting any clarity on how i feel right now. And yeah, I’ve been told it’s okay to not have clarity or to not be ready, but like. I cant even decide whether or not things I’m feeling are worth posting or how to post them. Like I kinda wish I could just move away or move on from things without getting noticed. But I know even that would slowly chip at my own being.

But yeah. So I think especially as the new year comes way way closer, that reminiscing of the current and previous year just comes back rushing even heavier even though things of the past already haunt and trigger me easily.

So yikes. It’s like mood but also I dunno my mood.

How exciting

Those Two Days

Ok. So I’m quite hesitant to post. Because I generally know who is reading and watching (although I dont know when or how or why they read). And this gets me angsty and insecure. Like it’s a safe space for me to post, but I get afraid to share some things. Or everything. Or don’t know how to prevent things from possibly being misinterpreted or misread (which most things prob are or will be because I’m wild and inconsisten with my feelings) but here goes Lolol.

(Actuat post starts here):

Ok. So: yeah. Lolol. Ooo awk start.

Ok. So we haven’t met in a while. A part was that we’re both busy and our schedules don’t seem to align or at first glance they don’t. We’ve just been Coexisting, but more like existing on separate lines and planes and then sometimes meeting because of preexistent measures and events etc. Another part is that I’m not watching your child. This was partly willing and partly unwilling, but opened an opportunity to work Tuesday’s because Monday’s are trash, literally. They’d make me take out and clean the trash and trash cans and it’s not as fun or easy as it sounds- even with a power washer. But it was also unwilling since I’m mostly okay with watching your child and it gives me a break from regular life and work. But whatever. I’m angsty.

Anyways Lolol. So you asked to meet. And I literally was like “uhhhhh.” Because i didn’t know what to say, but also didn’t know what it’d say if we met ?75 also because I wasnt ready, but also because it has been a long long while. And I’ve been told before, many times, to not hide or run from others, especially you. But I think it’s just hard when you have so much emotionally processing, but when you try to explain or bring it to others, it’s harder to put into words. It’s also hard to talk to someone about faith when you’ve been feeling like dry, dead, or rotting fruit, or that you say you feel nothing From God but you aren’t really “trying.” But even when you try, there’s not much of anything at all. like there have been prayers repeated weekly. Prayers spoken and whispered until I cried. And I’ve just been this stump in the ground, not knowing if I’m living or dead; growing or rotting.

But anyways Lolol. That’s not the point of this post. The point is that, the day you asked, I said we would talk about It later. But that was an excuse. I just wanted to delay what was mostly inevitable. I wanted to meet, but i was anxious and scared and uncertain. (But honestly, how pathetic is it that after like 4 years I’m still running and hiding). But later that night, a bunch of people came to fellowship so we didn’t even have time to touch base. And the car ride was... ehhhhhh. It was me wearing an emotional paper bag on my head. Buttttt yeah. Back to the stuff. So that was Friday. And Saturday and Sunday was mostly me doing stuff related to school and work, but also me dealing with the bits of the “issue” still picking at the sides of my heart. And I think I wasnt sure how or when to ask, but also I’m just super awkward in general which made it all the more difficult.

And so, I kinda sorta or whatever stirred up “courage” to passively ask about meeting up. Through messenger (LOLOLOLOL I’m so weak and sad). And no reply. Ok that’s cool. You’ve got your own fam and work and stuff. And then you read it. And I saw that you read it. And I was like, ok he’s prob chillen with his fam or eating dinner. That’s cool. I’ll wait. But no reply. So I’m just thinking about the read message. And l here is where the fall begins.

In total, it was at most two days later (Sunday night, vs Tuesday something) where I didnt have guts to “bump” the post, to which you said you didn’t have your schedule sorted out. And in my mind i was thinking “oh cool” but also “bruh” but also “why didn’t you say that earlier instead of letting me over think and dramaticize these false scenarios in my wicked head.” Haha. So dramatic. But no, like. Everything that could’ve gone or went work, went on in my head during those two days you left me blank.

One of the first things I thought was simply that you were busy. But no, busy wasn’t enough. To me, busy means you’ve got other places to go, other people to talk with, other things that you need to tend to. And you’ve got a kid and another one on the way. But Busy people make me feel like shit. Hahaha. Not that it’s bad to be busy, but it just shoves the idea back up my mind that I’m not worthy right now. That my meeting or my issues are not of high value because of everything else in life. And I feel bad because I feel incredibly selfish and needy. And I stop. I avoid it because I dont want to be a burden, when each has their own load of burdens to carry already. And like. Yikes. Yeah.

And the second thing I thought of was another stem from the root of selfishness, which was Why did I swerve. Like, why didn’t I just say “sure I’d love to meet” or “of course. It’s been a while,” but instead I was so dumb and weird and awkward and just replied “uhhhhhh// let’s talk about it later.” And like, my excuse would’ve been that I was at work, but the reality of it is that I didnt know if i wanted to meet. Which is selfish in that a meeting includes more than one person or party, and by, in a sense, denying the desire to meet, I also deny the other party’s request and desire to meet. And that’s rude lol. But from this, I despised myself even further for being so self absorbed in thinking that this meeting was for me or was based on my need and want.

And another thing I thought was about all the past mentors I’ve had before, which was “oh no. I did it again. I pushed away yet another person. Another person who just cared and I didnt try to care or love as much. Or I cared too much and hurt both of us.” Like I felt that I am too difficult to love and care for. I imagined patience must’ve gone dry, or consideration had gone stale. That I’m so emotionally and socially draining, depressing, fruitless and hopeless that maybe even you, the one of the most graceful people I know, that you, one of the most spoiling and over considerate and kind people i know, had finally given up on me. That you, too, see that the crops you’ve been given watching so carefully and intently had yet to provide fruit. That after four years, the fruit i had produced were rotten and wicked and cursed or had only lasted an hour, if lucky perhaps a day or two.

And so I hate myself for this, but I also, deep in the back of my head, wonder why you didn’t just save me from all this and say you didn’t have your schedule sorted out on Sunday. Or instead of leaving my publicly known crazy, wicked mind on a two and beyond day trip, that you just say “lemme get back to you. Like anything. Something.

A word, a phrase. Something to tell me I’m not being ignored or brushed under the rug. Like yeah. You’re busy. But a word tho lol. Or something. Or a “hey sorry brb” lol. Something to tell me I’m not trash or somewhat of worth. Like yikes.

Those days, those two single sad ass days. I’m so tired from thinking like this and from processing from rotting piles of most likely false situations that I cant even stay awake for work.

I’m such a sad person. Why am I like this.

Yay. Feels so good to feel bad.

Lol. I don’t even know the purpose of this post anymore haha. Nice. Just like me and my life, I dont know the purpose either. And that’s such a good feeling. Thanks, God. You’re so good at helping me grow. ☺️

Is this also “balancing ?”