I see no light at the end of the tunnel

I want to escape poverty. I don't see myself achieving that at least for the next 5 years. How is 610/day minimum wage livable? Our monthly expenses is at least 19k and we barely eat enough. Even just considering my own expenses, I struggle to understand how to budget 12k monthly salary for transportation and food expenses. I need a plan I believe in. I don't feel motivated to struggle without having something to live for - hope that things will improve if I just work hard and smart.

My Diary on Becoming Human

June 19, 2023 Monday 5:30pm We were invited for a meal at our neighbor's. Today is Pau-pau's birthday. I heard he would've been 20 years old now. The other neighbors greeted Pau-pau with a happy birthday. "Happy birthday Pau-pau!" That's what I should've said when I entered the house. Or when I was getting food. I could've asked how old he would've been today. I could've talked about my stories of him, what he was like, what he did, what happened.

I have become someone you don't like, or maybe even hate. I miss you my friend. You were the best to me.

"Take the path of least resistance when presented with 2 good choices. Make your life easier by picking the choice that fits with the rest of your life and priorities. A choice you need to rearrange your whole life around may ultimately cause more anxiety than it is worth."

I was desperate for advice. WikiHow gave a surprisingly good one.

2023년 6월 4일 일 오전 6시 58분 Do you believe in signs, premonitions, paramdam? 'Cause I don't. Well, I used to. I used to really believe in my heart of hearts that there is a spiritual world and God sometimes speaks to us in his own way, in a vague "need an interpretation" kind and even a direct conversation with certain people.

As for me, I couldn't not believe. There were various occasions when it was hard to not think about it especially if these uncanny, rare-to-be coincidence stuff happen. Yesterday night around 9pm, I couldn't sleep because I was coughing a lot. I rarely cough and cough, or catch a cough. The next morning earlier at 6am, on top of my Insta feed is a prayer request for Teacher Jina's father who was hospitalized and diagnosed with TB.

I want to write about stuff like this now and put them in one place so I could learn more about the frequency they occur. In the past, I once or twice, or thrice dreamt of a scene and was shocked when I learned that it happened similarly in real life. I usually chalked it up to the near-future predictive capabilities of the human brain. Well, I'm sure other people experience nearly supernatural encounters with nature and themselves and maybe even believe that what they saw, hear, or experienced has some sort of meaning but do they really have some sort of meaning? Perhaps there's room for interpretation, be it supernatural or not.

아침 7시 15분쯤 끝

Right. Are you familiar with sleep cycles? I recently started to tailor my sleeping habits according to 90-minute cycles for better sleep. I read that 6 cycles equaling to 9 hours of sleep is the ideal count. But I could barely reach 3 cycles. Sleeping is hard.

How do you write?

I did most of my writing by combining 9 different things other people said to compose my own text. I don't think I've ever written something that came out from my own ideas. How did I survive this long? I don't think I've never properly learned to write. Every time I start to put my thoughts into words, I struggle. Multiple phrases come to mind. I keep thinking that this isn't the right one or that something sounds better than this. Then I end up not writing at all or spend hours trying to perfect that text by scouring the Internet for ideas. And then, I look back at that moment in that room, me sitting, competing for that editorial writing competition. I remember preparing a lot despite my sudden participation. I was stuck. I didn't know what to write next. Every thing I could think of seemed dull. I didn't want to write something that didn't sound great. It was about the disaster caused by the typhoon and I barely wrote the first paragraph. Our teacher asked me what I wrote and I imagined her reading that paper and I felt embarrassed. I hated it and never want to feel it and put into that position again. It all started with me agreeing to being a substitute for something I wasn't good at. I couldn't say no and no more than three days later, we were on the way to a DepEd district office for a journalism competition. I sat in a cold room and just froze there. After that, I refuse to write something that my heart feels nothing for. I'd hate to read it. I'd hate other people to read it.

2023년 3월 28일 화 흐림

Peach Mango Pie

람젤의 일기 3월 1일 수 맑고 흐리고 조금 비

오늘 아침에 카드 뱅크에 가서 대출 신청했다. 오후에 파일 정리하다가 두 시간 넘게 잠들었다. 만화를 읽고 노래방 방송을 봤다. 빨래를 하고 한국어 숙제를 했다. 오늘은 별일 없고 그저 그렇다. 바쁘게 지냅시다. 아, 한국 독립 만세!

선생님께

안녕하세요, 선생님? 그동안 건강하셨습니까? 저는 늘 똑같습니다. 면목이 없어서 오랫동안 못 찾았습니다. 한국어 공부 다시 시작했습니다. 예전과 다르게 많이 어렵습니다. 드디어 일을 하기로 했는데 1년 후에 선생님 한번 만나고 싶습니다.

빛을 잃어버린 샤이닝 스타 람젤

람젤의 일기 2월 18일 맑음

오늘 자격중 시험 준비 때문에 마리키나에 갔다. 반친구들하고 택시로 가고 마리키나 스포츠 콤플렉스에 내려갔다. 자격중 준비 아침 8시부터 오후 5시 30분 했다. 많이 피곤했다. 내일도 그렇다. 아 참 몸이 무겁고 잠이 못 한다. 아침식사로 타호하고 시니강 먹고 마리키나 시장안에서. 점심은 훈련센터 앞에 작은 식당. 저녁은 못 한다. 잠을 자고 싶은데 서류 그리고 다른 것도 준비하느라고 늦게 잔다. 내일 리버뱅크에서 방문할 수 있을까?

오늘따라 그 사람 보고 싶게 되었다.

선생님의 새일이 3월 16일인 거 내 마음이 무겁다.

내가 다시 돌아오면 뭐가 달라질까? 언제쯤 괜찮아지려나?

외롭다.

사람들과 있을 때도 외롭다.

가슴이 무겁고 기분이 낮고 이상하다.

이런 말이 있다, "문화가 집이면 언어는 현관문 열쇠다.. 집안에 있는 모든 문의 열쇠다."

움직일 수 없는 내 마음

아무것도 느낄 수 없는 난

왜 이럴까?

태풍이 와서 사람들이 죽고

이태원에서 사고 나서 청소년들이 숨을 못 쉬고

귀신처럼 난 말이 안 된다