angelz

As I try to rectify my urge to help the people with the large proportion of negatively represented people in the media, I can feel bad mind sets creeping in, and I swear every time I have less to counter those points with. Sometimes that worries me, but I have to remind myself that change is a long process and that most times you have to change public opinion rather than affect the actors themselves...... but damn every day certain actors go sans lightning strike is further evidence against a fair and loving god. 

Ah man

Rough couple months/years/ funny how it’s always supposed to be over then you wake up and its the same shit. I definitely used to be better. It’s definitely easier to measure transgression when someone’s crying themselves to sleep more than showering, with binge drinking outweighing both of them. It’s fine though. I haven’t cut myself outside of playing the knife game or letting my cat win the paw game for maybe a whole year until tonight. But don’t worry, it;s not like I didn’t deserve it. And besides, it’s all small per: previous post. keep in mind: the only thing keeping me from killing myself because of how terrible the world is is how terrible myself is, and vice versa. Along with constantly imagining my family reacting. Hell, sometimes I fantasize about what method of death would be the least disappointing for them. Haven’t found one that they wouldn’t cry for, but at the same time they only see me thru rose colored glasses. I’m sure if they saw what I did any means would be suitable. 

Support systems

tbh tho the only thing my “support” system does for me is ensure that any self harm happens behind curtains or where the actors won’t notice.  don’t feel like i can talk to them, or anyone cause I always feel like I’m just looking for attention when I try to get sth off my chest... though I know a lot of times I do just want to hear someone say “yeah no it’s fine, we all think that,” or whatever.

Sometimes they mention their own problems. I like that. Partially because I like to offer advice and tell myself I’m helping someone who trusts me, but also because I realize other people struggle w ith the same issues that i do. I always love people telling me their problems, tbh. When someone’s constantly on their successes, I’m happy for them if I like them, but like I’ll unfollow you on shit I don’t need that positivity to compare my life to. Well wishes but I can’t deal with how high my mentality will set the bar. Sorry. 

They say we’re all in the gutters, but some of us are looking at stars. That sounds great, ambition and all that, but gutters are barred shut so people can’t cross through them. The gutter dweller gazing at stars is the least satisfied of his tribe. Everyone else is content with the sewer, but slug doesn’t compare to an expectation of stardust. 

C’est la vie

Q i alsmost A’d

Hey so part of me keeps telling myself I should cut myself because I’ve basically not been living up to my expectations (specifically wasting literally all my time the past several weeks instead of studying or applying for jobs), and I’m trying to convince myself that’s a bad idea. I keep hearing that it’s cathartic, and will help me relax and focus after, and while I think that is true, these thoughts are sprouting at a point where my other addictions have been telling me the same thing, and lying all the way. Now I’m drunk, again, at the negative twelfth step, and it’s another harmful habit at the door saying HE’s the one to solve my problems. Can’t resist the others? give in, or whatever, then you’ll be able to focus. Nope. Have maybe 45 min of a mindset of recreation then it’s back to whichever high. I’ve gone through benders of everything else, and, knowing where I’m at now, part of me is worried how much I would if I broke that seal. I’m a big streak guy. The only reason I don’t smoke now is because I didn’t smoke already  (read: the past few years). If I broke that streak? back on the horse first crisis that presented the opportunity, I’m sure. To clarify, it’s not that I’ve achieved anything that I’m unhappy with, I’ve achieved literally nothing and would wish to apologize to everyone.

Simultaneously this is the best and worse things abt tempering my expectations with the other addictions. On the one hand, to quit cold turkey, and take a single puff, blows your “quit.” With no more streak, I’m more likely to continue the bad habit I had tried to quit since I don’t have any “streak” to lose. 

On the other hand, to create a mentality of trying to minimize an action in my daily life, will make me more conscious of trying to avoid not just the specific action but the ones that are its roots and that stem from it, helping me avoid a problematic tree altogether. 

To explain each of these: I’ve never taken even a single puff of a cigarette after quitting (which would blow my streak) but keeping my mentality restricted to cigarettes themselves, I have smoked hookah (reluctantly) and justified maintaining my streak of no cigs. So it really matters more so where the line gets drawn, I guess, and how that line is interpreted later on. “I’m not gonna smoke” was interpreted to include cigarettes, which nobody would deny, though some strict textualists would say that included all tobacco and I broke my covenant then (or even, smoking any plants at all, regardless of leaf, though the context clearly applied to marijuana- people are nut jobs in disregarding things implied via texts sometimes). 

Regardless, *MY* point was to overall protect my lung health, taking into consideration the immediate personal experience. This lead to: a prohibition of cigarettes, a prohibition with provisional exceptions of cigars, a general distaste of hookah (hookah and cigars being celebratory, this is me being an alcoholic allowing myself some champagne to comfort myself- champagne symobolizing occasional hookah or cigar use). No THC due to mainly job stuff (secondarily anxiety stuff). And overall frequent alcohol stuff. Chems from tobacco stay long enough to kill you, THC stays long enough to kill your career. Ugh. If only it wasn’t for the Nixon administration connecting drugs to the vulnerable of society. Anyway, Having distracted myself enough tonight I want less to cut myself and more t to sleep alone so nice job jerry shark the nickname for the shark I just realized doesn’t exist but I would have sweared he was a character. Who knows w the chris gethard show, and mostly my alcoholism; hope you;re okay!!

Q i alsmost A’d

Hey so part of me keeps telling myself I should cut myself because I've basically not been living up to my expectations (specifically wasting literally all my time the past several weeks instead of studying or applying for jobs), and I'm trying to convince myself that's a bad idea. I keep hearing that it's cathartic, and will help me relax and focus after, and while I think that is true, these thoughts are sprouting at a point where my other addictions have been telling me the same thing, and lying all the way. Now I’m drunk, again, at the negative twelfth step, and it’s another harmful habit at the door saying HE’s the one to solve my problems. Can’t resist the others? give in, or whatever, then you’ll be able to focus. Nope. Have maybe 45 min of a mindset of recreation then it’s back to whichever high. I’ve gone through benders of everything else, and, knowing where I’m at now, part of me is worried how much I would if I broke that seal. I’m a big streak guy. The only reason I don’t smoke now is because I didn’t smoke already  (read: the past few years). If I broke that streak? back on the horse first crisis that presented the opportunity, I’m sure. To clarify, it’s not that I’ve achieved anything that I’m unhappy with, I’ve achieved literally nothing and would wish to apologize to everyone.

Simultaneously this is the best and worse things abt tempering my expectations with the other addictions. On the one hand, to quit cold turkey, and take a single puff, blows your “quit.” With no more streak, I’m more likely to continue the bad habit I had tried to quit since I don’t have any “streak” to lose. 

On the other hand, to create a mentality of trying to minimize an action in my daily life, will make me more conscious of trying to avoid not just the specific action but the ones that are its roots and that stem from it, helping me avoid a problematic tree altogether. 

To explain each of these: I’ve never taken even a single puff of a cigarette after quitting (which would blow my streak) but keeping my mentality restricted to cigarettes themselves, I have smoked hookah (reluctantly) and justified maintaining my streak of no cigs. So it really matters more so where the line gets drawn, I guess, and how that line is interpreted later on. “I’m not gonna smoke” was interpreted to include cigarettes, which nobody would deny, though some strict textualists would say that included all tobacco and I broke my covenant then (or even, smoking any plants at all, regardless of leaf, though the context clearly applied to marijuana- people are nut jobs in disregarding things implied via texts sometimes). 

Regardless, *MY* point was to overall protect my lung health, taking into consideration the immediate personal experience. This lead to: a prohibition of cigarettes, a prohibition with provisional exceptions of cigars, a general distaste of hookah (hookah and cigars being celebratory, this is me being an alcoholic allowing myself some champagne to comfort myself- champagne symobolizing occasional hookah or cigar use). No THC due to mainly job stuff (secondarily anxiety stuff). And overall frequent alcohol stuff. Chems from tobacco stay long enough to kill you, THC stays long enough to kill your career. Ugh. If only it wasn’t for the Nixon administration connecting drugs to the vulnerable of society. Anyway, Having distracted myself enough tonight I want less to cut myself and more t to sleep alone so nice job jerry shark the nickname for the shark I just realized doesn’t exist but I would have sweared he was a character. Who knows w the chris gethard show, and mostly my alcoholism; hope you;re okay!!

Monday. Started with her. She started crying when i told her i couldn’t trust her. tears seemed real though i didnt believe them at first. accomplished nothing productive, simply scrolled socmed and listened to music. hurt hand, broke phone. didnt drink more than i planned to. but didnt do things i needed to be drunk for either.