INTRO: Tumblr. Hmm. Hopefully this will be a good outlet for me. Kinda like twitter. In the way that i can release my thoughts and feelings discreetly but also publicly. No one knows I have a twitter or tumblr. What to write. I have many thoughts. In this moment I’m worried. Kind of worried about the progression of my depression and anxiety. I feel its getting worse some days. More so depression. Anxiety I dont struggle with as much. It really is a disease. Something i have to catch while in the middle of it. Catch my negative disgusting thoughts. Dark, thorough intense feelings. I like to think I ponder on things heavily. I know i dont think, talk or act like a typical kud my age. I never ever have. Also been at least mature. I think about death constantly. And when I say dark thoughts, I dont mean like evil, violent or malice. Or harming anyone in any way. I mean i think about my existence. A feeling I’ve never been able to explain to anyone no mattter how hard i try. I’m used to pain. Figuring out what im going to do.

I’ve been heartbroken and running since I was born. I was born into a broken family. And when I got taken away from it, I went to another broken family. Mommy and daddy issues from the start. My birthparents acknowledge that we were spoiled and fed and financially ok. The best toys and clothes and tvs in our rooms. But was it ok to do drugs in the home, for our house to be shot up every week. To hop from friend to family member because my mother needed to snort some and needed a babysitter? To have everything we owned bought with drug money? In and out of prison? Random people passing thru our house everyday? To remember all of that? It is what it is right? Im the only one of my siblings that remembers it. I’ll never know why. Why I remember what our house looked like. Why I remember going to the market with my brother. Why I remember eating spongebob ice cream. Why I remember my mom screaming.

I’m not special. everyone has struggled, everyone has deep dark feelings. Everyone has some sort of trauma. I just happen to have a lot of it. Some of it is self inflicted, some of it could have been avoided. Majority of it couldn’t. I’ll process thru it all hopefully. Im trying at least right? Thats what matters. I’ll write all about my life. I’ll do it chronologically. Starting from my birth. Then move on to the next trauma when I feel ready to.

Last thing I wanna add before I go, is death. I briefly mentioned it. But death. D-E-A-T-H. Deeeaatthhhh. Huh. Some days i cant wait for it, some days im terrified. Terried more of the unknown and what will happen to me once I’m gone. I want to die and see if anyone would really be affected by it. See if anyone would care. Not in a pick me way just to see if I really did my job. Did my job of being the best person I could be and making a difference. I’m scared of not existing. I dont know if I believe in heaven. Well, whatever happens I’ll have to deal with right? Thats my life motto sheesh. I could go more in depth but I’ll come back to this thought later. More than anything I want to be at peace. Full contentment. Ease. Tranquility. No one knows how I feel. No one can. People can help you feel less alone, but its ludicrous to think that people can feel the exact feeling when you have gone thru different things. No person is the exact same to the next. Or maybe they do and I’m stupid. Its the depression telling me that. That im alone blah blah and no one understands. Whatever. I know I’m alone and its ok. One thing to cry and dwell about it, its another to embrace and accept it.

This is the intro. If I fulfill my dreams and wishes, then hopefully people can come back to this and find comfort and to feed their curiosity about me. If anyone really cares about my thought process and where I’m at currently. Who knows. Maybe no one will read this and that brings me peace too. Well im gonna go to bed. Sincerely, Laci