Do I need to be checked into an institution or something?? I’ve been on these meds a month now and I’ve only felt worse.. or am I using that as an excuse? Reality vs guilt will always be my internal fight. I just don’t wanna be like this.. but this feeling is what I would feel all the time. Wtf does that even mean

09/2022

In this moment, there’s a lot going on — a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a lot of anger, a lot of sadness and above all, loneliness.

I used to always feel “One day, I’ll be back”… I don’t really have that opportunity anymore. To go back, would mean admitting to what I’ve done, accepting the long term consequences and figuring which long, daunting road to take. What are the true consequences of what I’ve done? It’s scary to think you’ve lost all you’ve believed in.

On the other hand, if I were an octopus - since there’s so many other things, the guilt and the shame is what eats at me every minute of every day. How could I come to that decision? How dare I choose between.. what I’m too ashamed to say..? Then I have the audacity to mourn, the audacity to neglect my boys when they’re part of the my reasoning for doing what I did?? Actually.. no, I feel awful for saying that. They have nothing to do with my selfish decision. It’s like, i know I’m already a sucky mother and then having another kid will only make me worse to all of them.

Sometimes I just feel so… sad. Imagine the main person you look forward to being around, the one person that can change your mood from the worst to the best, and they just don’t feel the same way about you.. the one person you look to to love you as you are, flaws, rolls, issues and all, but you realize their idea of beauty of something so opposite of what you are.

I know I shouldn’t depend on others to help me love myself but damn I just can’t do that for myself and when the one person you think can do that actually shows you something so different.. I’m not even mad I’m just freaking sad.. and disappointed. What am I supposed to do? I’m sorry I don’t look like that? Sorry I get depressed I end up drinking and eating and I look like this. I don’t like it either but shit.. I thought you knew me, saw me, loved me despite it all..

Do you ever laugh all night when you’re around people, just to go home and cry alone until the morning? Do you ever feel like you try to help with other peoples problems just to avoid thinking of your own? Be the clown. Let everyone have a good laugh. Don’t give them a chance to see that you’re absolutely fucking lost. Not one person asked how I was doing. I made it so it would be that way.!

I was 16b and she looked at my scars, looked at me, and said, “what could you possibly be sad about? your life is perfect”

am I crazier than I thought?

sometimes I find myself asking If it really happened? was I too drunk? I dared not to talk about it, let alone, write about it. so am I just crazier than anyone thought I was? 16 years old with no account but my own blurred memories. I thought it was crystal clear and now I feel im blurring things myself just to beat myself into the ground more

Mental health is such a fragile topic, especially within the Polynesian community. There’s been progress within the past few years, trying to bring awareness to this struggle. Has anyone felt like it was too late, though? Has anyone else felt like if they had help sooner, they wouldn’t be the way they are now? Was anyone else just a child and wondering why you felt and thought these toxic thoughts so strongly only to be written off?

I started self harm to deal with my feelings, or lack there of, when I was 12 years old. I felt every little occurrence so deeply, so tragically. I didn’t understand this at the time, and of course, no one else did. I wasn’t like my siblings. At first my parents thought I was perfect, and then the perfect nightmare. When I was young, I did everything as I should have. Perfect grades, going the extra mile, singing solos in church, but also a bully. Maybe it made me feel like I had power? Respect? Validation?

The slightest disapproval from my parents sent me over the edge. I did everything I was supposed to and more, on my own. The second I took the smallest misstep, I am thrown into a pit and buried. Instead of a friend or a guiding hand, I faced tyranny. How dare I? How dare I make mistakes and expect to be guided by heartfelt wisdom and love? I learned that I would only be punished over and over for them. “They can’t love me. This isn’t love.” That’s all I thought. I am hurting and all I get in return is a brick wall. If I could be tossed aside so easily, merits forgotten so quickly, then please tell me what was the point? My whole life I’ve built myself up to be this person but it stands for nothing, so what is the point?

I just wanted someone to tell me I was good enough. Someone to tell me that despite the way I felt, I meant something — that what I was going through was okay.

Is it that awful to be with someone like me

do I make this life we built so miserable that it’s easier to just leave than to try

am I so pathetic that even when my heart is crying because of you, I still cry for you

have I become so broken that nothing could hold me together except the idea of you

did I ruin the both of us

Sometimes I just feel like all I do is get things wrong like when do I ever do right ever when the fuck ever do I ever do things right

I fucking hate being this way I am not okay I am not okay

I’m worth something I’m worth more than this that’s what normal people say and think right why can’t I be normal

I can’t do this without him

For a long time I hated myself. Then, I hated myself even more. I found myself throwing myself into pits deeper and deeper every time. I asked myself, “why did I do this to myself?”

Could never figure out the answer. Contunued to dig myself further and further away from the person I was. Only now, am I starting to see maybe a part of an explanation...

Why did it take me so long to figure this out?

I’ve had close to none.. okay, maybe zero, amount of self worth. I didn’t care about me. But I did selfish things, that made it seem like it. I hated myself so much that I took any and all validation — fake, drunk, selfish — just to feel better about myself for one minute, 10 minutes, til the morning.

How did I get here? What am I doing here? Who is this?

Back to hating myself. Just a little more, every time.

Wait no, I’m happier when I’m drunk. I’m more fun. I’m more confident.

Back to the cycle.

Hate myself more.

Stuck in this circle.

What is wrong with me

dw, u cant hate me more than i alrdy hate myself

In as little as one second, my whole world turns to black. The thick, heavy, all-consuming, never ending dark minuscule hole that I fall into and am crushed by its walls continue to close in on me. There is no light I can see. The almost all too real feeling of someone stabbing me multiple times in the chest & leaving me to die a slow & painful death. What good is it to anyone if I stay, when all I do is destroy? You hate me but I promise you, I hate me far more. I’m disgusted with myself. How fucked up am I to risk the only reasons I cling onto this world for? I want to rip at the walls and break everything in sight, curl into a ball & just disappear. Wouldn’t your lives be so much easier without someone so broken as me?

I never imagined that this would be the hard part. I never thought that the one person who made me feel love the most, would make me feel.. like this. 

ive had this picture in my head of what happily ever after looked like and im angry at how naive that picture was, how naive I was.

is it real? or are we all just playing a game trying to convince ourselves that were happy and the bs we go through is all normal. or all we all just wrong because were so consumed in convincing others and more importantly, ourselves that this is normal.

I want to be strong but I don't think I have it in me. I'm so sorry that I'm not better, after all this, I thought I would be better,,,

“When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.”

— Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

It wasn’t supposed to be like this... I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but I didn’t think it would be.. like this. Why do I have to feel so damn much?? Why can’t I just be fucking happy

Four weeks. Four weeks I was sober. Thats all I could give. Every single day was a battle with the demons within me clawing away at my insides begging for me to give in to the inevitable. Every day I fought but it was so terribly exhausting. Even when I seemed to have decent, or even great days, I could feel my bad habit trailing right behind me like a dark cloud ready to storm at any second. Every day I thought, “who am I fooling? I cant keep this up.” Well, four weeks later and we’re back at square one. Like I said, inevitable.

I guess it was crazy for me to think I could just quit any time I wanted. I was so motivated at the beginning, so freaking hopeful in the midst of being so utterly hopeless. 

The worst part is that in the back of my mind, I knew this was going to happen. I hate that I knew I was weak. I hate that about myself. I am so disgustingly weak. I am so embarrassingly dependent on other people and it is no one’s fault but my own. I’m trying so hard to change that. If there was one thing I could change about myself it would be just that. Stop being such a little bitch who depends on people emotionally, physically, mentally, financially. The irony is that I can change it, its all up to myself. I'm just too weak.

I can happily admit that I am slowly learning. the more that the people I love hurt me, the more I am forced to face the truth that you need to look out for yourself. you need to love yourself. you need to believe that you deserve the best. I am ever so slowly discovering this truth...

I tried searching online for articles, letters, or even quotes that helped explain to a loved one a very sensitive topic: depression. As I read, I found quite a few that I could relate to well. This helped me realize that I’m not the only one, and it’s helping me to accept that the condition I have is very real. Although I cannot speak for everyone who’s suffered from depression and I, personally, have a hard time explaining how I feel to anyone, will do my best to share in hopes that there is someone reading who can relate even a little, and maybe feel a little less alone, as I did while reading other peoples’ experiences.

People will always ask how you feel and why you feel that way. The hardest part to me, is explaining that in words anyone could understand. Do you know what it’s like to try and sing a song that you don’t know the lyrics to? You can feel the beat, you can hear the music, but you don’t know the words. So you either keep your mouth shut because you don’t even want to bother trying, or you can try, sing the wrong words, and feel like a fool.

I can feel the depression like a ton of bricks in my chest and I can hear people around me asking me to open up and tell them why, but I simply do not have the words to explain it. Most of the time, I keep my mouth shut because I feel like it’d just be a waste of time. You wouldn’t understand, so I just won’t bother. The rare times I do try and explain, I feel like I’m fumbling over my words and I can just see the look on their face, unable to understand. 

For the purpose of what I'm writing, I'll do my best to explain how it feels for me. Some days are good days, in fact, some days I wake up extremely optimistic. A lot of other days I wake up and wish I hadn’t woken up. The day is grey. What’s usually a ton of bricks in my chest then turns into a gaping hole that is sucking the life out of me and I can feel every bit of it. I am in a constant battle with myself and a lot of the time, I lose. I give in to the nothingness. I let the insecurities and the self-loathing and doubts scream louder and louder in my head. I feel trapped and hopeless and so utterly… alone.

Some of the bad days I can force myself to go about my day despite everything telling me to just hide and allow myself to disappear. Those days I’m sitting in a room full of people but I don’t feel like I’m there. I’m having a conversation with someone but I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m smiling but everything in me feels broken and misplaced. I don’t even feel like I’m in my own body.

My body is dancing, but I’m dead inside.

Most of the bad days, I get so sick of myself and so tired of feeling the way I feel that I simply would rather feel anything else. I used to cut myself when I was younger. The physical pain distracted me from the pain I was feeling on the inside. Then I turned to alcohol. Everyone thought it was just a party phase. I think I told myself that too for the first couple of years. Truth is, I was drinking and drinking until I just couldn’t feel anything anymore. I would drink so much, so fast, just so I could be out of my own head as quickly as possible. I become someone else when I drink, no longer sad, no longer depressing to be around. I was the life of the party, careless – the complete opposite of what I was truly feeling. Every time I felt sad or down, I’d start drinking. Pretty soon I was drinking almost every day. 

You have every reason to be happy, what is wrong with you? 

That’s the big question though, isn’t it? I’m alive, I have people who care about me, people love telling me how smart and beautiful I am… so why do I feel this way?

“Get up, go out and do something. You’re not helping yourself.” Maybe I just don’t have it in me to try and help myself today.