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little-miss-dwarf · 5 years

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13.11.18

So it’s like half eleven and a Tuesday night - but who needs sleep? ...Me on a morning, but this is night-time-me and night-time-me doesn’t care about morning-me’s feelings.

As I’m sure future me remembers, Halloween over the holidays didn’t go so well. I thought I looked pretty good actually, maybe even pretty for once. My hair suited the veil that I’d picked up in boots, my makeup went well, the stitches tattoo around my neck and wrists looked cool, my cobweb tights were amazing and they didn’t rip. I liked the way I could pull my long coat (the ‘grim reaper’ one) in at the waist, and my skirt went out a bit as well so it made like an hourglass and gave the impression I had a decent body shape.

It was awkward when I first got there - like really awkward - but I got used to it after a while and I just remember LW shaving his legs in P’s floor whilst she did AJ’s hooker makeup and then everyone pouring fake blood over their faces, dripping down their necks and smudged all over their arms. We all looked amazing and I was having fun. We went out then, and we got to the cemetery but everyone agreed it’d be disrespectful to go in there so we headed into town.

On the way into town was where we got egged. They only threw a few of them, but they pelted them from across the street so they had to use quite a bit of force. Me being the idiot I am, had to be the one that was hit... I knew it would be me. It covered my face and one side of my hair and splattered all over my coat too... it was dripping. It was fucking humiliating... I ended up in the McDonald’s disabled toilet scraping dried egg off my face with HM.

AD’s dad rescued me from **** later on... after LW and P’s bf ran through the fountains in their boxers and they pulled out the smirnoff and carling. My phone was on 3%, Halloween isn’t a safe night to be out and I didn’t wanna get drunk in public at night where I’m vulnerable. I’m honestly so fucking grateful they came out to get me... thank you so much...

We went to two firework displays this year. One was at ****** Cricket club and they didn’t but the safety barriers far back enough so the fireworks were so close it was probably a health and safety risk. I could taste the fireworks, and I’m not actually joking some bits landed on my face and in my mouth. AD bought a lightsaber and was fighting my siblings tho so that was funny.

We also went to the one at ******** and managed to get a really good spot considering we got there a couple minutes before they started. They were good but I always end up thinking about how much they cost and where that money could be better spent. Fireworks just don’t feel the same anymore.

Coming back to school after the half term has been alright I suppose. I’m not dead yet. I suppose I’m actually getting back on top of things again. Says the person who’s left their chemistry homework for tomorrow morning. ANYWAY. I’m trying to keep up in art. I spent an entire night organising my sketchbook since I’ve been putting it off. I’m really pleased with it. I need to make a list of things I wanna buy for my project tho, including actual glue (to please AD) and lots of string.

I did really shit in my Biology and Physics tests yesterday because I completely forgot to revise... like at all. I know, with a few keywords I have quite a good memory when it comes to tests but I’m still not gonna do great at all. I’m also pretty shit at Physics. I don’t understand half of it, thanks Mr G.

Me AD and AL went to watch the RSC Comedy of Errors tonight with my mum and AD’s dad and honestly it was amazing. They’re so confident, like in the way they speak and swift in the way they move. They have so much energy. It looks like so much fun, and I imagine it is but I know it’s a lot of hard work too. I loved the way they had the people who weren’t acting doing music in the background and when the guy playing Antiphulus and Dromio of Syracuse stepped down to take some of the kids monster much and haribos on the front row.

Can’t believe AD missed the guy fortnite dancing at the end tho. He was the same guy who decided to sing part of his lines in the tune of “Keke, do you love me” much to our amusement and my mums confusion. There was also a bit where you could tell they were over exaggerating what they’re supposed to do and improvising because the girl playing Adrianna was laughing. Antiphulus and Dromio of Syracuse were amazing - not to mention I liked their accents a lot.

Anyway. I’m on medication now, but it’s only 10mg a day so it’s not really gonna do anything. I know she was rabbiting on about “you have to actually try to implement CBT strategies too”. I know, but the medication should help me be able to do that. If it’s not then it’s not. Mom wants them to increase the dose because I’m... eXTRA dePRESSED :D

Things are difficult at the moment, but I’m trying... I’m far too aware of everything that I’m doing... it’s really humiliating. Not to mention, I just... hate my body... so fucking much. Hopefully no will be seeing it for a while... unfortunately I have to though... everyday.

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