lildiarys
my private diary ♡
hihi, welcome to my online diary. hope u dont know me irl
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5/1 oh my god im so fucking depressed right now idk what to do.
i have no motivation to do anything, after school extracurriculars are getting so fucking annoying, and i am one of the leaders of an extracurricular, im so tired and exhaused and i hate it
im so fucking tired, i cant do my homework without feeling like i wanna die after every little mistake. i wanna cry and call my friends but all of my friends are less of the actual "knowing the real me" type. and i struggle sm with that. i want a friend who i can vent to, and even tho my friends are like "you can vent to me anytime u need" they are liars. if i told u the truth, you would be scared. you wouldn't like me anymore.
and my crush. cherry is such a bitch and i just feel so depressed trying to make him like me. and it hurts because i want to stop liking him, and some of my friends are like "ur delulu" "you should stop liking him" "hes a bad person" LIKE I KNOW. IM TRYING MY HARDEST, IM SORRY. IM TRYING. and its to the point sometimes i wanna cry, but i just laugh along w/ them.
its hard because i also feel like shit. allergiest suck man, and i wanna die bc of them.
also i wanna cry bc i can't give my friend their gift until its a week after bc of the weird firing schedule. i made them something out of clay, and my art teacher won't fire it bc its "not time yet". bitch wtf?
also, i feel like i really want to be friends w/ this one person, but they always brush me off and seem like they always are brutally honest w/ me. ALWAYS. "ok...and?" "ok..." "mhm..." idk i just feel like they are almost never listening to me anyways.
also, today, i wanted to cry because i miss my old friends. we got into a huge shitty argument where they were the ones in the wrong. like actually. no shit. i did bad things, but only after. to try to get back at them. and i miss them. there was one person who i was super close w/ like my sister atp. but she sided w/ the person i was pissed at bc she waas in the arguement. and it hurts. i miss her so much, and i loved being her friend, even if she didnt fully understand.
and myother friend (younger than me) is in the fucking psych ward? they told their parents they had suicidal thoughts and their parents sent them to the psych ward, then the left. then they got picked up during school and sent back, like wtf.
im sorry
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pov: a tiny life
you wake up. you look around in your familiar setting. its your room. you take a deep breath and walk out, to find the familiar smell of your favorite food. you walk down stairs which you never noticed were there, and open the door it led to. it was a small, minor cafe, with only booths. your parent is sitting at a booth, drinking something warm out of a teacup, and reading a book. they have their glasses on, and are playing classical music. they glance up when they hear you, and smile.
"hi love!" they say. you go over and sit next to them.
"Hi. Im sleepy. i didnt sleep too well last night..." you mutter, resting your head on their shoulder. they pat your back.
"well, i cooked your favorite food. then we can spend this saturday watching tv and having a fun time." you smile, and your parent goes to grab the food.
you loved the little cafe you lived above, and you worked there afternoons whenever you can. sometimes you would sit by the window and listen to the rain, studying. your parent comes back, and you grin. its on a white plate with little markings of your favorite color. you hold a fork and dig in, each bite more tasteful than the last. you finish up, and your parent is back in the kitchen, mixing up a sweet surprise.
they bring you your favorite sweet treat, and you sit together, eating it.
"hey, lets finish up the last season of that show, and we can then go buy some art supplies!" they exclaim. you smile, and you guys walk back upstairs to the tiny living room you have. no one else is to bother you. you cuddle up with a nice big cozy blanket, and start the tv. you snuggle, and fall asleep, hearing the pitter pattering of the rain behind you.
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4/24
GAH I MOANED REALLY LOUDLY IN CLASS ON ACCIDENT.
so basically, my friend, he does this funny sound when he gets surprised, sort of like a non-airy gasp. so i tried to recreate it and i fucking moaned. loudly. when the whole class went silent. thank god that only him and the people at my table heard.
also, cherrys so cute <33
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also, im an agender person who identifies w/ fem + neutral labels the most. so dont mind if i use fem labels.
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am i the only one who hates girls who aren't girls girls? like bitch, just bc we stopped being friends doesnt mean you can go and tell people my personal fucking shit. like, why did u tell that girl the stuff we wrote in our diary? she told other people. i hope u fucking know that.
sorry i got angry all of a sudden, dont mind cussing and shit ☆
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4/21
ttpd was crazy. also, i think i like another guy..???
imma call him... uh... idk.... apple. yea
idk if i rlly like apple, hes ok, hes so weird, but HES ALSO MOVING AT THE END OF THE YEAR, LIKE CHERRY
:p
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checking if he texted me <<<<
seeing he texted me >>>>>
realizing its bc he doesnt know the hw <<<<
keeps texting me >>>>>>
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4/18
TTPD COMES OUT TMR!!!!
Also, we didn't talk today but my fit today was fire, and super cute <33
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i hope that someone out there will buy these for me bc they love me
(i hope cherry if we ever date. but ngl, they are a lil expensive >///<)
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4/17
subliminal link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dcx0XNA7a_Y
tv girl playlist (also, i like tv girl, but i rlly don't like Not Allowed): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08Hj15EAB20
alex g playlist (atm. my fave is nintendo 64): https://youtu.be/52YkQZtLr6o?si=XDp9yxKzj2a0Brnp
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4/17/24
im like a new alex g and tv girl playlist, but i really enjoy listening to them. it makes me so happys :3333333
also, cherry is a b. hes so annoying :p but cute. also a friend came up to me and was like:
"I can see why you like him lol" like >//<
i always get so excited when he talks to me, its sorta sad.
he asked me if his friend looked better w or w/o glasses. i said w.
i hope ur doing well <33
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