may paglaya sa pagsuko

Ngayon ko lamang natamo,

Na sa pagbitaw ay may pahiwatig na pagsuko

Ngunit sa pagsuko,

May naghihintay na paglaya

Paglayang nararapat para sa mapagmahal na kaluluwa,

Pagngiting taglay at tagumpay ng kapayapaan,

Na nararapat para sa matagal na sumabak na puso

- Beatriz

pinapatawad, nagpapasalamat, nagpapaubaya. ( Pabilin, Rhedg. )

It's that time of the month again. It's been a year already. Once the 28th of August hits by next week, it's already our separation anniversary. It's been months yet, I still remember it all so clearly. Devoting myself towards him during the month of April towards May, even if it permanently means distance. How willing I was to settle and prove loyalty in a new aspect. A distant aspect. Not until the 9th of May happened. Oh, that Asian Restaurant. A deja vu Restaurant. A familiar mall with buried short-term memories, my kind of Cornelia Street. Witnessing a pair in their own unplanned black and white matchy outfits, I must say. Him in his iconic sling bag, with someone else who's name is spelled as Rhedg Pacaanas. There and then, as the weeks had gone by, further information reached me due to my own doing. I've heard he finally had the courage to soft launch her. The both of them soft launching one another. How she's finally mutuals too with one of his dearest friends that is now my ex friend. Genuinely, it is so lovely to look at their Cinemalaya photo all together with smiles on their faces. Reflecting on that, it's a kind of happiness that I never gave and made them feel when I was with them. I then decided to draw a firm line - my boundary clearly as his ex - by unfriending and unfollowing his dearest male friends. I remember taking a deep breath before pressing the unfollow and unfriend buttons for all of them as I've come to conclusion that I was sort of attached already as well with his closest male friends. Spending his birthday last year with them remains as a core memory to me. But I had to keep in mind that I'm no longer a part of his, a part of them, as my new replacement finally intervenes.

As for his new beloved, I've seen their online interactions through Facebook reactions, comments, at Instagram and even at Threads. Sometimes I wonder, if he ever had a deja vu moment taking her at the same Asian Restaurant we used to date at? I wonder if a sense of deja vu kicked in within him after realizing that we're both previous Lyceans and Swifties as well? - how we both inclined him with the Lover album during the first stage of the connection? Sometimes I wonder if they're more compatible than we are? I then questioned the broken astrological constellations of us both. "Tell me, what's a more compatible dynamic than a Lion and a Ram? Then again, I got replaced with another med student. A nursing student this time." I uttered and sighed heavily.

As the months went on, there with my very own eyes, I knew that it was a total game over. With my own eyes, I witnessed that he was finally capable of replacing me entirely. He found a new me, perhaps. A new beloved for him to visit in a different condominium and deliver such presents. A new beloved he takes on a motorcycle ride. A new beloved he takes on dates. A new favorite beloved that he's now proud to have by placing her Red nickname by his Facebook bio profile and brags about her in his IG highlights. Such endless comparison, a kind of deja vu that is now beyond my comprehension. His new beloved that has successfully replaced me. A state that I have finally lost all my left heartbeats now. So then, I walked away while keeping what I knew for good, without him knowing ever, and just carry on with a blurry sight while raising my own white flag for the both of us. There, in that moment of witnessed bright night sky lights that I still consider as dim, I thought deciding and figuring that moving forward in silence was the new path to win. But the unveiling truth part is that, my chest along with my pounding heart has not really touched the finish line yet. All this time - ever since he left me, not even now. Currently, I'm still running on my healing tracks. But happily and freely, I can already see the victory line from an approaching sight - waiting for me.

pinapaubaya ko na sa kanya.

Pabilin, Rhedg.

- Beatriz

and if you hurt me, that's okay baby only words bleed

An addressed, unsent letter to you, Andante

—-

Luis Gabriel,

Maybe I am too blinded by the enormous amount of pain to fathom the truth that you are the best thing that has happened to me too. Maybe, I’ve been corrupted by rage as a resulting transition of myself loving you too much that it ended up turning into hate. I am still enraged by the hurtful, unforgivable, things you did towards me while all I ever did was to love you genuinely and unconditionally the best way that I can. Maybe because I am still angry by the idea of you breaking your promises. I am still angry at you for not staying. I am still angry by the fact that you prefer meeting someone new than working things out with me till the very end no matter how hard things get, just like how we both once swore as we entangled our tie for the first time. I am still angry by the fact that you didn’t want it to be me as much as I want it to be you. I am frustratingly angry at you for just standing still, well aware that I am still here with open arms in case you want to come back but you chose to refrain yourself strongly as your way of choosing your ego, over me. You once swore to protect me, to protect my heart but all you ever truly did was protect yourself and your ego from being loved and embraced by me. I am heartbreakingly angry at you for not believing me. You prefer believing other people, your friends, with what they say about me because I thought you knew me better than anyone. I am disappointingly angry at you for allowing them to influence your decisions, to let it affect our connection, to affect us. I still manage to believe you and choose you over anyone else despite all the fucked up actions you did. I've always believed you the way you didn't always believe me. The way you've always doubted me and your own feelings and self too. You've been so caught up looking up my faults while I was so busy overlooking yours. You believed your friends more than me. You defended them in exchange of not defending me. You've always failed to defend me. I hate you for failing to hear me out and my side of the truth fairly. I hate you for never being fair.

I am so angry at you for not having the courage to fight for me, the way I would go all out for you. I manage to choose you despite all the unforgivable and unbearable things you did to me. You fucked up in so many ways yet that didn't hinder me from finding one good reason to stay. I still managed to choose you simply because it's my way of fulfilling my promise. Our promise. I kept mine, why didn't you? I've always found one good reason to stay, why didn't you? I hate you so much that it aches my heart by concluding that loving me was not an enough reason for you to stay. That I was never good enough for you to stay. I hate you for making me question my worth. I hate you for bringing me back to an old situational state that ruined me years ago. The trauma of being replaced, being abandoned, being left behind. I hate you for coming up with a decision that leaving me was the best decision you could have done for yourself, for me, for us. I hated you so much on that part because all I ever wanted was to be right by your side and be there for you always through your tough times. I desperately wanted to be your strength, to be your light and give you a sense of hope in life especially through its tough times. That's all I ever truly wanted. You once told me with tears in your eyes, that losing me would be your greatest fear, only for things to turn out in a way of me losing you. My heart hates you so much for leaving me, for letting me go. But above all these, all I know is that I loved you too much for I to truly condemn you. I figured that I loved you too much that I couldn’t truly afford to hate you. You once resurrected these butterflies and gave me the will to believe in love again. You gave me the will to live well again somehow and I am beyond grateful to you for that.

Maybe, this love that I have for you is indeed unconditional and it will remain for as long as we go apart from one another. And as we both try to move into our new chapters, this love will remain. This love will stay. This love will remember as the heart never forgets. Although we try our best to move forward, forcing ourselves that you have no regrets over the decisions you've made, we’re both aware that we will always have that precious second to look back at everything, thinking what could have been. Tell me, what really could have been? Yet, how should I know? I was not the one who ruined everything entirely. You were at fault, yes, but I’m well aware that I’m at fault too. I'm well aware that I have hurt you too. Maybe, I will never have the courage to forget you. Maybe, in time, I’ll finally have the courage to genuinely forgive you. And with you, I prefer choosing forgiving over forgetting. Because tell me, how could I ever forget the best thing that has ever happened to me too? I will hold onto you, the way I have always held onto our undying memories that we once both lived. In fact, I have held onto you, strongly, the way I held onto Jojo Moyes' novel, Me Before You. I think of Will Traynor's character, I think of you. He saw reality and the value of one's life, the value of living the way you do when you once live a part of yourself with me. I don’t regret a thing with you, for you are the best thing that has happened to me too. And If I could do it all over again, to meet you again for the first time, do the first move to start a once-upon-a-time with you all over again, you know I simply would. I’d go on a million chances to experience living with you if that is the only way to delude myself into thinking that we’re maybe capable of lasting, just like we once dreamt and promised. Maybe, just maybe, all will be alright in time once I finally understand someday that I really did love you so much once I finally forgave you. You wanted me gone. Now, all I could ever do is fulfill you that favor as a form of reciprocity and respect, as I finally embody acceptance fully. I hope you can forgive me for all of my wrongdoings and for growing strong grudges against you. I know it wasn't fair to you since I have also hurt you.

More importantly, I hope you can forgive me for loving you too much to an extent that you think you don’t deserve. Forgive me for loving you to an extent that the previous women you’ve loved before never made you feel loved as you rightfully deserved. I’m well aware that I was never perfect with my ways of loving you, but I hope I did just enough to make you believe in love again somehow. How good love could feel like. How good love could be. I hope you could learn to forgive yourself for hurting me. I hope you forgive yourself entirely the way I'm willing to forgive you genuinely. You are loved, Luis Gabriel. You have always been loved by me as I have always believed that you are worthy of love. You are indeed worthy of love. I hope you see yourself the way I have always seen you. A speck of stardust with millions of fragile worth. I just hope that someday, someone is capable of seeing you way more than I do. I hope you keep believing in love the way I remained hopeful about it too. I hope you choose love the way it's capable of choosing a worthy person like you. I hope you love yourself the way I have always loved you. And even without me, I hope you live life the way you have always dreamed of. The way you have always wanted. And I hope, in time, we’ll finally find ourselves both forgiven.

au revoir, Andante <3

- Beatriz

You Are The Worst Thing That Has Ever Happened To Me

Of all the unfair things you did, the endless betrayal things that I found out, the incurable damages and traumas you've caused me that will forever haunt me in great agony, It's now a hopeless case for me. I hate you so much for these inevitable, aggravating relapses you caused me. I am haunted by you, and your sense of cruel misery never left me. I wish your sense of cruel misery left with you the same day you abandoned me. The same day you attempted to replace me with multiple lasses right after you left me. I'll never forget how scared I was when you decided to abandon me. How I was dying on the cold floor screaming for your name, while you were on the other side with your ears covered, embracing your new sense of single life. You're so fucking cruel for that. You finally killed all the hope and trust that's left inside of me that were once for you. And now, I've completely reached the breaking point that I could never, ever, ever afford to forgive you for hurting me mercilessly. Never. And never is an awfully long time, stranger that I once loved. You're just fucking dead to me now. I wish I knew then what I know now. I could never look at you the same way ever again. The sweet boy I once knew and loved so dearly is long gone and it's all because of this new version of you that you've created that I despise entirely to filth. My heart and its broken heartbeats just no longer recognize you anymore.

Now, I entirely regret starting a once-upon-a-time with you. I am so embarrassed by the idea that we lasted on a short term, it felt like a literal joke. I feel so disgusted whenever I think about it, whenever I think about you. And because of it, I don't even want to consider you as one of my Exes at this point. It's just a shame. I regret meeting you. I genuinely wish I never met you. Oh, stranger that was once so dear to me, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you now with all of my genuine lifeless heartbeats that have died unworthy for you. Right now, I just want to forget your existence that no longer make any sense. I just want to forget you like we never even met. Like you never even existed. I despise you now. I despise your entire existence and the ungenuine memories we once shared. Your actions has proven enough that hurting me was the best thing that has ever happened to you.

And now, I hardly wish upon the dead stars that had fallen that we never cross each other's paths ever again. You killed all of my fragile heartbeats that did nothing but genuinely beat for you unconditionally, and that is enough valid reason for me to utter that you are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. 

Forgive me, for my inability to ever forgive you. Patawad, Paalam. 

- Beatriz

Missed Connections ( 2023 ): Personal Insights From The Film

The way another person feels about us is beyond our control. Nothing we say or do could change that. We can't change their mind because that is only a change they can make for themselves. Loving someone any harder is not going to change anything. Instead, we should learn to release and allow for things to unfold the way they should. What's rightfully meant for us will simply find us without indulging any force. Learning to attain stability within ourselves and such fulfillment by being on our own is a stepping stone in conquering our codependency issues, and it's a baby step towards proper self-care and self-love.

Lastly, sa mga oras na pakiramdam nating wala nang pumipili sa'tin, then that is a strong indication na tayo naman ang pumili sa sarili natin. In times of healing, we should never be hard on ourselves simply because hindi naman karera ang paghilom. Everyone is at their own pace, and all you have to do is focus on your own pace, on your own journey and work your way to becoming a better version of yourself as your form of growth. And as a preparation for the better things that will come to you. Things or blessings that you rightfully deserve to have in time.

- Beatriz ( 06/16/23 - 12:00 AM )

To My Saving Grace; That Gemini Man

"He sat with my demons. I am that dangerous wave he keeps diving into. He’s the only one who’s capable of translating my blunt silence and embracing my fucked up soul. He saw through me and I am just my true elated self when I'm around him. I am at home when I'm with him. He's the only man who made me feel like I was never too much. He never made me question my worth. He never made me feel replaceable. He's the only man who made me feel so wanted by choosing me consistently and courageously over anyone else. By chasing me relentlessly. He made me feel like, Iosing someone like me is something unbearable and intolerable on his part. As someone who lost so much, I finally get to feel a feeling of someone who's afraid of losing me. Someone who is finally fearless enough to fight for me. An almost too-good-to-be-true feeling, perhaps. He was never fazed by my intoxicating presence and tendencies. He's the only man who made me feel like loving me never feels like I'm sucking the life out of them. So tell me, how can I not love him for that? Nobody gets me the way he does. He is just my human embodiment of a haven that I keep running back to, and that I will always find a reason to run back to whenever I struggle to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Like a lost kid or a stray dog finding its way back to her lost home. As a human embodiment of a raging pitch black roaring waves, I found my human embodiment of a lighthouse that stands still against my raging waves, my raging inner storms. Its light that consistently shed for me, mimicking a hope of daylight, a sense of sunrise to calm my strong currents.

Nobody gets me the way you do, indeed, Carl. I am truly grateful for your existence. Thank you for making me believe that I am worthy and that I still deserve love, despite seeing through my fucked up punctured soul. You look at me like there is something worth looking at. You sheltered these demons, believing they need comfort and that they deserve a home too, in your saving grace - loving arms. You never left me when I submerge in my own ways of aggression. Instead, you dived down through the heavy rains that are hitting my raging waves. You helped me resurface instead of abandoning me - permitting myself to drown. You have no idea how much you saved me in so many ways.

And now, because of you, I'm determined enough to tame my own demons willingly for you. You taught me how to speak the language of calmness instead of blurting out such outbursts. Because of you, I am now able to navigate through the stream of peace without indulging any of my chaos senses. You really have no idea how much you saved my tormented soul in so many ways. In your saving grace existence, I found peace and I never thought I'd be able to embrace it simply through your haven arms. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and in your haven arms, I finally found my way back home again. I'm home, love. I'm finally home again."

- Beatriz ( 06/09/23 - 11:11 PM )

Defining & Finding True Love

"All this time, I've been questioning the essence of true love. How true it could be. All my life, the heartbreaking circumstances I've gone through in the aspect of romance, the unhealed traumas and baggage from my past that I still carry today made me question the genuineness of love. Is pain really necessary to be experienced and felt when we love? Does being set free truly an act of love? Were we truly loved if we got given up on, abandoned, and replaced so easily? I've witnessed the presence of love through the people I know, seeing my grandparents, and the loving couples in the most random streets and restaurants. But then, I looked at myself. I stared at my reflection for a long time, and there I was, standing in great solitude. I looked straight into my eyes and I was able to have eye contact with my self-worth. I saw within my pupil reflection a figure of self-love that is shaped in front of me. She looks like me. No - she is me. Now, I'm staring right through her. And as I stared at her genuine, unconditional, loving soul, I was able to mute my raging heart for a moment and I found the answers to my long doubts in her eyes.

Love has always been true. Pain has always been inclined toward loving. Pain comes along with it. The act of letting go has been misconstrued as pain only but it's not. Letting go, learning to forgive, and setting the person we love free even if it's against our very will is a form of unconditional love and sacrifice. And sacrifice has been the greatest form of love. We get hurt simply because we love so true. If it wasn't true, if it wasn't real, we wouldn't even be feeling a sting within our beating hearts. I've also realized that true love wouldn't make you question your worth. If a person truly loves you, it wouldn't ever cross their mind to replace you, especially in an instant. To find someone else, to find someone new to entertain and love. True love should make you feel irreplaceable. True love should make your existence feel worthy and secure. Because true love is a responsibility to make someone's heart feel safe always. True love is when a person is capable of choosing you time and time again. Despite the heavy rains, despite the raging storms, and despite the burdening circumstances, they would still choose you. They will always find a good reason to stay, to be with you, to always find their way back to you, and to choose you. Only you, but they will never go for a choice to abandon you. To give up on you. They will always find a reason to raise their sword up for you. To fight for you because true love never fails. True love is so pure wherein, we shouldn't be questioning it in the first place and once we do, once we experience a kind of love that fails, then that is a simple indication that it isn't true love at all. Oh, the heartbreaking existence of unrequited love. However, unrequited love is a form of unconditional love. The ability for one's heart to keep beating for someone else even if it is unrequited is simply one of the greatest acts of true love. A love so strong, a love so pure to the point that it conquers intolerable pain. Pain will always demand to be felt. It's just a matter of choosing who are we willing to break our own hearts for. Love has always been genuine and true. It's just we're trying to look for it in the wrong places, in the wrong people that leads us to question it. As I found my answers now, I finally had a sense of awakening that I deserve a kind of love that is just purely sure. I deserve someone who is sure of me and will always be. I deserve someone who is capable of loving me the way I love. A heart and a soul that matches my own. A love that is certain. I may not meet them now yet, or probably I have already met them, but I am sure that someone out there is meant for me. Either they could be a person from my past and a reconciliation might occur or maybe, someone brand new will come in to sweep me off my feet. I have no genuine idea but I’m open to all possibilities. My heart is widely open. Whatever happens, happens. What is rightfully meant for me will simply find me. All I know is that someday, someone out there will ache for my soul. It's just a matter of waiting and divine timing. And so I wait, and I don't mind waiting for so long for I know it's going to be rewarding in the end. And hopefully, it will really be.

To love and be loved, in time."

- Beatriz ( 04/15/23 - 1:11 PM )

This Pain Wouldn't Be For Evermore

"When we experience a massive amount of pain, either we find out things that betrayed us or experience such things that truly killed us and we finally reach the numbing point, we just learn to finally put the sword down and realize that not everything is worth fighting for. That not everything is worth fixing. We finally put an end to one of our long ongoing silent battles. We don't fix things that we didn't ruin in the first place. We no longer fix things that are no longer mendable. We have to stop exerting our very all on people who take advantage of us and people who don't truly see our genuine worth. We finally stop trying for people who don't even try for us. We finally stop fighting for people who are too coward to even raise a sword for us. That is not the kind of love and respect we deserve. We have to put the sword down to realize that we just simply deserve better. Instead, we start walking through the path of acceptance. As difficult and aggravating as it could be, we finally let go of the grudges by forgiving in silence the ones who hurt us, especially those who were never sorry in the first place. We forgive not because it's a must but because a fragile part of us will always hold out an unconditional love for them. We finally let go, and we just completely walk away as a form of exile, a form of survival, a form of healing. Sometimes, choosing the right path is not the easiest decision. Choosing ourselves is always the hardest decision to make. But choosing ourselves for the sake of prioritizing our own peace to attain true happiness is indeed worthy of it all. Genuine healing takes a lot of time, and we got a lot of time to do so. We don't do it for others. We do it for ourselves. We walk away in peace and just assure ourselves that the pain won't be for evermore."

- Beatriz ( 04/14/23 - 11:11 AM )

Woe Is Me

"I have succumbed to the idea of overworking myself daily. I strive for goals, hard work, and all that. I’m just so head-on, sometimes, I don’t realize myself panting already and that pumping my brakes is needed. The amount of adrenaline that I thrive on when it comes to pressure is a never-ending surreal state. I just fear that if I don’t give it my all, it will simply correlate with my worth. I fear that if I don't excel well, I'm afraid to disappoint, and I'm afraid to disappoint the people I love who have high expectations of me. Above all that, I'm afraid of disappointing myself and my beloved Dad the most. The idea of not being good enough at anything is what motivates me to keep my foot off the brakes and simply pump the gas at full rate speed to overwork. I've been successful in embodying the alpha female persona. I've learned to be independent to the fullest extent, and because of that, I've projected a strong intimidating aura since then. It is bold of me to confess internally that I am indeed afraid of failure. That destructive thought that I might not make it through my destined path. But my stubbornness and ego kept me believing that nothing is yet set in stone. That I'm the ones in full control of my own path. My destiny is written by my bare hands and I'll always strive to put a light at the end of every tunnel that I'll come through. Right now I'm just trying. I'm really trying to win my own race at all costs. I'm doing everything that I can to get what I want as I've always been successful at it. I want more. I just want so much more for myself wherein, I just kept chasing and chasing the unknown coordinates relentlessly - unable to reach for my targeted stars. I fear one day that I'm just gonna lose my track in the middle of nowhere, not because I've pumped the brakes, but because I've completely lost my brakes. And I'm afraid that I'm just gonna be sitting right there, lost in the middle of the horizon - only to become one of the lost stars that's now completely out of reach."

- Beatriz ( 04/11/23 - 12:12 PM )

Never Enough For These Clones With The Same Cruel Intentions

"It's not just him. I've grown rage with all of the men I've encountered. Men I've connected with on a soul level and the same men who unleashed my shadow side. These men who made me question my worth 24/7 since then. How they made me feel like loving me is a losing game. That I'm sucking the life out of them. How they made me feel like an existing being like me is too much to be with and deal with, only for them to replace me so quickly. I consistently get labeled as a woman who never gets satisfied. A woman who's selfish while my very intention is to only be enough for them. It's a fucked up shot in my head. Was I too much? or maybe, I wasn't just good enough? I went to war with myself, especially at night, trying to read between the lines, but I never succeeded. The trauma haunts me at night, even in the daylight. The inner strength to go through my daily tasks and chores with tears in my eyes. The number of pauses I had to take for the unbearable stings to be felt - only to force myself to keep going each day since I'm left with no choice. The sickening and hopeless part of the day is that these men don't even have any clue how breaking down while washing the dishes, taking a shower, or sweeping the cold floor are the new kind of breakdown episodes for me now. How laying in my bed as a form of rest only leaves me restless with the thoughts of them and the unapologetic things they did toward me. The raging part is that I told him about these men, only for him to be like one of them. I don’t hate him. I can’t even afford to unlove him. I could never afford to. I just hate what he did yet, I’m still willing and learning to forgive him a thousand times, every day, throughout forever. But this entire thing? It's a never-ending loop for my wounded soul, and I'm just desperate enough to get out of this. It's the pain they left that stings my broken heart every time. It's the pain they left that makes my eyes cry each day and each night. It is their cold hearts that never showed any sympathy nor mercy for me - the lass who endlessly suffers from their cruel offenses. A fragile heart that finally turns into a raging heart from tolerating an enormous amount of pain. Is this what I get for loving them unconditionally and relentlessly with all my might? The kind of love that their egos are never capable of matching. Or maybe it's just the naive part of me to be blamed all this time? The naivety within me to comprehend that loving someone harder is not going to change anything. The naivety within me to believe that love could ever be so true and fair by neglecting the importance of reciprocity and self-respect?"

- Beatriz ( 04/10/23 - 3:33 PM )

An Easter Awakening

The priest tackled the entire ideology of Easter today. Its sacred purpose and God's ultimate definition of it. The priest elaborated on how Easter signifies a brand new beginning. A momentum of leaving the past behind and allowing for a brand-new beginning to start. Enabling the chances of creating new memories for ourselves. Better ones, but first, we must forgive and accept our past. The need for us to learn from it to encourage ourselves to start something new. A sense of being reborn. The old version of ourselves that was once corrupted by great resentments, guilt, and regrets. To forgive those who hurt us and forgive ourselves for hurting them as we impulsively reacted. But may the spirit of rebirth streak its light upon us. The chance to see things way more clearly than before. The chance to be more understanding of ourselves and the people around us, especially those who have wounded us. To let forgiveness prevail despite all the grudges we feel and hold onto. These burdening grudges that we hold onto only torment our souls, so we must let go. We let go of the past and we allow ourselves to be free from its tormenting chains. Every darkness that comes by, there's a sunrise that always follows. As He has risen, the power of forgiveness has been restored. He is the exact embodiment of a forgiving and unconditionally loving heart. He is the exact embodiment of love, and love has always been his greatest power and word. And so we forgive, and as we choose to forgive, our hearts choose to love unconditionally. And He has always taught us to love. To choose love in all aggravating circumstances. May our lost and broken beats seek the light of love always, to refrain ourselves from being blinded by pain that can lead to hatred which is an excruciating form of suffering. Forgiveness will always signify the powerful restoration of broken hearts and bonds, for it is the greatest form of love. Love conquers all. It always will, and it has been His absolute law for eternity and no amount of restoration and resurrection could ever revise nor change that. A Blessed Easter, indeed.

- Beatriz ( 04/09/23 - 1:00 PM )

💜 Beatriz's Book Wishlist 💜

( This is my lowkey manifestation board! Manifesting to have these books someday! )

💜 NOVELS 💜

Dear John by Nicholas Sparks

The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks

The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks

A Walk To Remember by Nicholas Sparks

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

The Day You Say Goodnight by owwSIC

Regretting You by Colleen Hoover

Reminders of Him by Colleen Hoover

Playlist For The Dead by Michelle Falkoff

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

Disney Villains Book Series ( BUNDLE ) by Serena Valentino

Dead Poets Society by Nancy H Kleinbaum

Little Women by  Louisa May Alcott

Still Me by Jojo Moyes

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💜 POETRY BOOKS 💜

Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur

The Sun And Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur

Love & Misadventure by Lang Leav

Memories by Lang Leav

The Universe of Us by Lang Leav

ikaw sa bawat araw by ron canimo

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💜 SELF-HELP BOOKS 💜

The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene

The Mountain is You by Brianna Wiest

The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene

The Mountain is You by Brianna Wiest

It's Okay Not to Be Okay: Moving Forward One Day at a Time by Sheila Walsh

Make-Up Sex, Making Love ( PART 3 - dirty fiction )

"He started to grab his bag to get a rubber, but I immediately locked his body with my legs and pulled him close to me. "I want it raw…" I moaned pleadingly. His eyes rounded. He looked surprised. He paused for a second, and it annoyed me. I just want him inside me right now, damn it! My impatience is now at its peak. I dominantly reached for his hardened manhood, and he groaned. I placed his hardened cock inside me, and we both moaned. He collapsed towards me, but he placed both of his arms on the wall - controlling his balance. "Fuck! You're so fucking tight, tangina!" he cursed out loud, and I could feel my fluid drip down. I'm so wet. I grinded myself against him, and he moaned completely. He started taking control by rocking his body against mine. Each intense rock unleashed my moans. He sucked both of my mounds, and I cried out loud. He started pressing his hands on my lower abdomen, and I felt his manhood inside me more. I moaned his name out loud. We're now perspiring. We're just moaning. "Please don't stop-" I begged. "Ugh! fuck!" he cursed. I then grabbed him as I want him closer to me. He rocked himself deeper and faster. Each pound made me moan. He's now squeezing my breasts - sucking my hardened nipples. "Cum for me…" he pleaded. I started rocking my own body too, helping myself reach my climax. I moaned intentionally in his ears, playing with his earlobe with the use of my tongue. I moaned his name. "Fuck, baby!" he cursed. I started holding his broad arms tightly as I reach my climax. I screamed in extreme pleasure. I could see his face in pain with his mouth open. "Cum for me, please…please, baby…" I moaned pleadingly. "Malapit na ako." he moaned, and he suddenly removed his manhood from me - planning to ejaculate himself. But I immediately sat and sucked his manhood. "Shit! Tangina!" he cursed out loud - nearly losing his balance, but I grabbed his butt to hold him. I slid my mouth to its extent - feeling his tip in my throat. He's groaning out loud. I could feel his body trembling as I swallowed his cum. "Ugh…" he moaned. I released my mouth slowly, and some of his cum dripped. He pushed me gently back to bed - kissing me deeply. I could feel his wet manhood against my wet folds. "You're mine…" he whispered while panting. "I'm all yours…" I assured him as I touched his rounded face. "I love you…" His eyeglasses is all steamed up now. "I love you too." I exhaustingly uttered, and I closed my eyes as he kissed my forehead. He collapsed on top of my mounds, and I just caressed his velvet hair while listening to his heavy breathing. Our naked souls intertwined with one another once more. Our soul is finally home once again in each other's arms."

- Beatriz ( 03/28/23 - 8:00 PM )

Make-Up Sex, Making Love ( PART 2 - dirty fiction )

"He carried me across the room without breaking our french kiss. I caressed his entire broad shoulders while kissing him. I miss touching him. He suddenly laid me on my bed, still not breaking our tongue tie. I grabbed his nape - wanting him close to me. I began grinding, and he started moaning heavily. I immediately grabbed his clothed manhood, and he cursed out loud. "Fuck…" his eyes are heavily closed right now. I kissed his neck using my tongue. My lips produce a smooching sound. He just kept on moaning. I caressed his manhood - wanting to slip my hand inside his walking shorts. I want to satisfy him so badly right now. I want to give it my all, but he stopped my hand by grabbing it. He pinned both of my arms dominantly, and I gasped out of surprise. He's now staring right at my soul with a serious face. He started unbuckling his shorts. He removed his boxers, and I am now witnessing his naked soul. He crawled up to me, stripping me. He pinned both of my hands again, and he kissed me downward. Every kiss gave a tingling sensation. I then felt his lips on my stomach. It gave me an intense butterfly feeling. I looked at him, and he was just watching me lose it. He gazed at my left thigh and looked back at me. I was breathing heavily. He kissed my inner thigh, and I moaned his name out loud. I could hear his kisses. I started caressing my mounds. He kissed my other thigh, which made me squeeze my left breast. His kisses were circulating in my area. "Fuck, you're so wet…" he grinned. I blushed. I suddenly felt his tongue lick my clothed folds. I then grabbed his hair. He kept going but deeper this time. "May I?" he asked for my consent, and I gave him a helping hand to remove my undies. He immediately dived in, and I moaned out loud. I reached for his left hand and placed it on my mounds. He started playing with my right breast - pinching my nipple tip while playing with my folds using his tongue. I could feel his tongue inside me. The sense of ecstasy is escalating so much, I just want to cry out loud. I then felt his fingertips on my clit. I moaned his name. He slowly slid his two fingers inside me, and I moaned. "Shit…" he cursed as he felt my fluid drip over his two fingers. He fingered me rapidly, and my moans were no longer uncontrollable. I could see his insane stares. He's enjoying what he sees. I grabbed him desperately and kissed him. "I want you inside me, now!" I pleaded desperately."

PART 3...

- Beatriz ( 03/28/23 - 8:00 PM )

Make-Up Sex, Making Love ( PART 1 - dirty fiction )

"The elevator is filled with silence. I could feel the tension between us. I'm still recalling what happened hours ago. He surprisingly reached out via my phone number, wanting to talk in person and meet up after I blocked him everywhere on social media right after our separation. Knowing how egotistic he is, I never thought he'd ever want to swallow his pride just to chase. And now, we're on our way to my unit floor. I looked at him, and he has changed so much. His hair is no longer black. I pressed my phone's home button for a time check: It was 6 pm. The elevator door opened, and we head out to finally reach my unit floor. As I reached my unit door, I unlocked it with my keys, and I could see from my peripheral vision that he was staring at me. I opened the door and let him in. As he passed by me, I began to twist my unit door padlock to secure it. I suddenly felt him grab my arm to face me towards him. He held my face using both of his hands, and he pressed me against my unit door using his entire body's force. I felt his manhood. He slipped his lips deeply. His tongue was reaching out for mine aggressively. I could feel my knees getting weak. We were both running out of breath with his own deep doing, and I released my lips from his abruptly. "Wait-" I pushed his broadened arms away from me gently. He is currently panting. I looked at his face, and I saw his ocean eyes behind his eyeglasses. He's about to cry. He suddenly laid his forehead slowly on my right shoulder. I could feel his heavy breathing on my neck. "I'm sorry…" he whispered, and he started sobbing. He placed both of his palms towards the unit door - securing me. "This is wrong. You already have someone else-". "I don't." he cut me off. My eyebrows reached for each other. "Stop lying!-". "I'm not lying." He insisted, and a part of me just wanted to believe him, but I kept my rational thoughts altogether. "I know you've been involved with other girls right after we called it quits." I informed him, and I could feel the tears filling up my eyes. The idea of him engaging with someone else by giving someone a lovely crocheted floral material and walking them home. Him having deep talks with someone else till midnight, and him wanting someone else instead of me is beyond unbearable on my part. I feel so replaceable and unworthy. He sighed heavily, and he rested his forehead once more on my right shoulder. I could feel his lips on my neck a bit. "I dropped all of them." he uttered with a serious tone. He then looked at me up close. His eyeglass is hitting my nose bridge. "I dropped my options." he clarified. "What?…" I asked confusingly. "He went closer, and I could feel his tempting breath. I could smell his masculine scent. "There's just no one like you. I can't replace you. I'm still madly in love with you. Now, I just want you back…" He chuckled while tears started falling down his eyes. My heart ached. "I fucked up, baby…I know, but I just want you back." he confessed. "I just want you back…Please…" he broke down completely, and I immediately touched his rounded face. I slipped my lips towards his. He moaned, and I felt his breath in my mouth. I grabbed him by the nape to kiss him deeply. I started grinding my entire body against him, and we both moaned. He started caressing my waistline downwards - aiming for my ass. He carried me aggressively, and I gasped. I could feel his hardened manhood. At this very moment, I want to intertwine my naked soul with his tonight. I just want more of him tonight. All of him."

PART 2...

- Beatriz ( 03/28/23 - 8:00 PM )

Ram & Lion Interlude: Script Writing ( PART 2 - dirty fiction )

"His submissive response made me smirk. I gave him a deep kiss and started kissing him down to his stomach. His body is losing control. "Stay still or else, I'll stop." I warned. I could see he was struggling and he keeps releasing heavy moans with his heavily closed eyes. He tried continuing his typing as I pulled his pants and boxers down. I blew his tip as a form of tease. "Oh…" he moaned and his fingertips are struggling from typing. I then licked his tip with a smirk on my face. "Ah, shit!" I then sucked his tip and produced a moaning sound. He started to grab my head with his left hand. "Keep typing." I commanded, and his facial expression is so satisfying to look at. I then started sucking his entire manhood. He kept on moaning. I started using my left hand as I blow him, and he hit his fist loudly on top of the table desk. I started stroking heavily and I could see his face in pain. His mouth is open, but I don't hear any moans from him. I started stroking rapidly, and he's starting to move so much from his chair. "Fuck, baby! I think I'm gonna cum!-" he warned me from his escalating climax. I then stood hurriedly and immediately undressed. "Wait, walang condom-" he warned. "Fuck me raw." I dominantly assured - sitting immediately on top of his manhood. "Ugh!" we both moaned out loud. He's holding my waist now. I then rocked myself against his hard manhood. "Shit! Putanginamo!" He cursed and it turned me on even more. I went harder and faster. I could feel my mounds and butt cheeks bouncing. He then grabbed my ass and assisted me from hopping on top of him. He began to suck my mounds and I moaned even more. I kept going. We kept on moaning. He's starting to sweat a lot. "Ah, shit! Tanginamo!" He cursed out loud as he slapped me. I then smiled like a devil. I thrust harder, faster, deeper. "Fuck baby, I'm coming!-" he warned, holding my waist tighter this time. "Cum for me…please…" I could barely recognize my own moans now. "Shit...Ayan na." he warned me and I immediately stood to kneel in front of him. I immediately sucked his escalating manhood. "Ugh! Fuck, baby!-" He grabbed my hair and leaned his head backward as my tongue felt his tip. I could feel his satisfied liquid run through my throat. I kept a straight eye contact with him and he was out of breath. "Shit! Ang hot mo, baby…" he cursed as he was currently perspiring. I slowly removed my mouth from his manhood and he closed his eyes heavily as he groaned. "Taste yourself." I commanded. I then sat on top of him to give him a loving kiss. I felt his eyeglasses touch my nose bridge. I felt his cold tongue intertwine with mine perfectly. "I love you." He uttered. "I love you too, Baby. Now, continue your script." I smirked seeing him roll his eyes as he sighs heavily. "Bitch." he uttered with a smirk on his face and I immediately pulled his hair - kissing him with a wide smile on my face."

- Beatriz ( 03/27/23 - 5:55 PM )

Ram & Lion Interlude: Script Writing ( PART 1 - dirty fiction )

"It's 4 pm, and I'm just sitting on my unit bed with my arms crossed. I've been watching him for an hour now edit his film script using his mac laptop. He's currently sitting at my study desk. I feel frustrated by the idea of him ignoring me. I hate how clingy I could be. I've been observing his attractive features. He's so mesmerizing to look at with his eyeglasses on and his defined broad shoulders. He's just so focused. I then stood to hug him from behind. He released a heavy sigh stating how exhausted he is from his work. I started kissing his nape around. I smirked as he was caught off guard. "Baby…" he attempted to stop me as his face turned red - continuing his typing. "What? I'm not doing anything." I played dumb continuing my kisses as a form of tease. He started to groan, and I smirked again. I began to use my tongue to play with his earlobe. I could see him struggling, continuing his film script. "Fuck…" he moaned slowly. I keep on playing with his earlobe, and I began to slip my right hand down to his stomach slowly. He's losing it as he starts to moan aggressively. I then grabbed his manhood. He was caught off-guard so badly, he suddenly grabbed my right hand. I then pulled his hair with my left hand and give him a french kiss. He's moaning so much as I'm playing with his tongue and grabbing his crotch at the same time. I unlocked my lips from him, and I dominantly sat on his lap. I gave him a deep kiss and I started grinding slowly. I moaned as I felt his boner. I began to kiss him downward and I stopped when I reached his stomach. "Continue your script writing." I commanded. His facial expression showed a sense of hesitation. "I'll stop if you stop writing." I threatened him. He rolled his eyes, so I stood to reach his face level. I then choked his neck while grabbing his manhood aggressively. He groaned so loud. "Don't you dare disobey me." I threatened him once more. "Yes, Mommy…" he obeyed with his eyes closed. I smirked."

PART 2...

- Beatriz ( 03/27/23 - 5:55 PM )