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I want to go stargazing where we hold hands and lay down and I tell you that I love you more than all the stars in the sky
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“I am yours, and so I will be your light and your laughter. I am yours, so open your eyes to look at me, and open your mouth so that I may kiss it. I am yours, I am yours, and nevermore will I leave.”
— Nghi Vo, When the Tiger Came Down the Mountain
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I by Pablo Neruda (tr. W.S. Merwin), from Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair
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But the hour of vengeance falls, and I love you.
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there's only so much my mind can take
☆ your heart's about to break
it had been around a week since his call with michael and devin just hadn't felt himself since. they were home now and as much as he tried to push back the words the older had said, they kept sprining back to his mind. it was a cycle that wouldn't end and it even helped bring up some things michael had said or hinted at in the past. a part of devin had burned with that call and he could feel it, no matter how much he tried to calm it.
his vacation with thalia in itself had gone great, he'd enjoyed his time with her, he'd managed to snag an engagement. but at the core of it all, he'd lived in his head for a decent amount of it. he knew it was something he should've talked to thalia about, especially with the way it had been eating at him, but he just didn't know how. he didn't know how to tell her that he really may have been worse off than his parents he had grown to despise, or how to tell her that his own brother had grown to hate him, wish him dead, because of all that he'd really done.
as much as they fought, as many bitter feelings as they had, devin had always sought michael's approval. hell, the guy was part of his namesake. he admired him, michael raised him. it was at the point of feeling hopeless, though. how was he supposed to reverse a hatred that ran that deep?
it had festered in his mind for hours, days, and the longer it sat, the stronger it got. the part that hurt the most. he'd wanted devin to die when he'd overdosed before. and that made him wonder. wouldn't he have saved the people he cared about so much grief if he had? he loved thalia, had been with her constantly, but he knew she hadn't seen what the others had. all the close calls, showing up to events and holidays out of his mind, late night calls that were just manic and probably terrifying, having to watch him to make sure he didn't do something stupid off a bad hit. and he didn't want her to see any of it, but that was devin, that was how he worked.
the more it sat, the more the words turned in his mind and the moee he remembered, the worse he felt. he guessed he'd finally found rock bottom, the thing he'd always tried desperately to avoid. with him that far gone in his head, he didn't think or care much about thalia being not far away. there was no way he could tell her and there was no way he could keep thinking and that left one option. the stash he kept in his overnight bag always sufficed and he grabbed it before he moved to the bathroom.
devin couldn't stop himself as he prepared, heating the spoon after he'd tied his arm, and he noticed immediately that he'd gotten too much. when he looked at it, he couldn't help but to get a sense of deja vu, the sight all too familiar. and it was all too familiar when he started to pull on the syringe, stopping at his usual dose, but not pulling away. he stared at it and with one glance in the mirror, just a few seconds of seeing himself there how he was, he pulled the rest up, almost double what he'd originally had.
he sat everything else down, focusing on getting the needle to a vein with the tie off held between his teeth because he'd already wasted too much time and he knew when he pushed the plunger and it gave some resistance for a second before it slid with ease. dropping the needle on the floor, he stayed still for a moment.
he knew what he'd done. he knew as soon as he let go, he was done for. his eyes went to the bathroom door for a moment, now thinking about thalia in the other room and how bad this was about to be for her. he was already starting to feel it a bit, the ice in his veins. "i'm sorry," he mumbled, letting the tie off out of his teeth before his free hand moved to get it off of his arm.
his fingers were still fumbling with it when it loosened enough for the ice to shoot through his body, making him freeze for a few seconds before he hit the floor, hard, pain passing through him briefly before it was nothing. he didn't feel a thing. he'd gotten what he wanted, his head going silent as his eyes closed and he let what would happen just happen.
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i feel your love has always been empty
just a way to sink your teeth into me
it had been a few days since devin had proposed and, as many times as he had told himself he wouldn't, he couldn't help himself. he had to tell someone. andrew was too close to michael, and though he didn't think of the obvious risk, he had settled on telling dylan. his younger brother had been excited, supportive, and devin had been so happy to talk to someone about it all that he hadn't thought to tell him that he hadn't told anyone else.
it wasn't dylan's fault, he knew that, the youngest had just been excited for devin and done what they usually always did. still, andrew didn't reach out to devin about it, didn't say a word because he knew he wasn't meant to know yet. apparently, it didn't stop him from running his mouth, though, even if he'd also just been excited.
not even a full week after he'd asked thalia to marry him, he was staring at a buzzing phone, the screen lit up with his oldest brother's name. it was early, she was still asleep, and he probably would've been if he hadn't already missed three of the same calls, back to back. it made him nervous because even when michael was angry, he didn't call in succession like this. he was half expecting news of something awful and he braced himself, taking a breath as he finally hit the icon and raised the phone to his ear.
"hey, sorry, i was asleep. we're still in hawaii," he mumbled, running his fingers through his hair, chewing on his lip in anticipation of whatever michael was about to tell him.
"you and your fiancée, right?" he could feel his heart drop into his stomach, his head raising and eyes darting around the room before they just closed. he knew he should have hung up then, but that just wasn't how this worked and they both knew it.
"yeah," was all he got to say before he had to pull the phone away from his ear, still hearing every word clearly at almost arms length away.
"so you're gonna get married and pretend all this shit's fine? that's your plan? pretty sure we've seen that one before! maybe you remember? what the fuck is wrong with you, devin, what is actually so fucked in your head that makes you think any of this is fine?" michael's voice was loud, angry, and devin half wondered if his wife was standing by laughing to herself. a glance at the door, knowing his own future one was sleeping.
"no, michael," he sighed, putting the phone on speaker and sitting it down, though he turned the volume down quite a bit. "that's not my plan. i'm not planning to run off and fucking elope tomorrow, jesus christ. look-"
but michael cut him off, immediately. "it's been less than a month."
"yeah, well i don't give a fuck, i didn't ask. look, i proposed, i'm not getting married yet. i know what i have to do and thalia knows it, too. i know i have to get clean and when it's time, i will. you just need to back up, michael, you haven't even left detroit in like three fucking years." devin was annoyed now, and he knew that it would probably piss michael off more, considering he usually just took whatever the older threw his way.
"when it's time? devin, you've been a fucking heroine addict for nine god damned years, time has come and gone a long time ago. suddenly you meet a porn star and we're supposed to believe you're gonna pull your shit together out of the blue? you were with zach for fucking ever and you couldn't do it then." devin froze in place when he heard the name, eyes set on the wall that he couldn't even actually see now. "and you wonder why he knocked you the fuck around. it's because you're so fucking annoying, devin. you don't listen to anyone, you fight everyone about the stupidest shit, you never shut the fuck up."
"michael, st-" he started before the screaming picked back up on the other end. there was no way he was going to get through the call, not without something, and he'd taken care to hide what he had left because he knew he'd end up in the hospital if thalia got mad enough to get rid of it.
"and you still won't shut the fuck up." devin stayed silent, leaning to hit the mute button on his phone before he was crawling across the floor, his arm stretching as far as he could manage under the entertainment center before he got the box. "you sat there and watched your parents ruin their lives and all of ours over less. alcohol, devin. they were fucking alcoholics and your takeaway from it all was to one up it! just because you have some fucking money now," which made devin laugh out as he worked with the supplies splayed in the floor, tying his arm before anything. what money? between his habits and all he'd just dropped on the trip and the ring, he was in the same position he'd always been. "you think that you can do whatever you want and everyone's just supposed to be fine with it."
with everything ready, he kicked the box back under the center, moving to the couch and hitting the mute button again so that michael could hear him now. "yeah, i do, because it's not your fucking place, michael. it's not yours, or andrew's, or dylan's," the needle stung but the push was quick and he dropped it on the table before he took the tie off. it was instantaneous, shot straight through his blood, and he sighed as he sunk into the couch. "what i do is what i do. i know you're scared, but..."
"i'm not scared, devin michael." his body revolted at the name, anger set in deeper than he knew it could, any relief he'd felt from the high gone in a matter of seconds. "i think zach shouldn't have told andrew where you were. that's it. i'm mad about it because now i get to sit here and watch the people i care about worry about what stupid shit you're going to get yourself into or when you'll finally just go far enough that they don't have to worry anymore. that's what's gonna happen eventually, and hopefully it's on the sooner side for their sake. hers, too."
the line went dead before he could say another word and he stared at the phone screen long after the light had gone off. as bad as their fights had gotten, he couldn't ever remember feeling like michael actually hated him, but he felt it now. his high was non-existent, and he could feel his heart shattering, blinking out tears that he ignored. he'd never felt anything like it.
but michael had to be wrong, right? because he couldn't be worse than his parents. he couldn't hurt thalia like they hurt each other and their family, could he? but maybe he could. and maybe he really shouldn't have made it back from that overdose. maybe it had been a sign. but wasn't this right? him and thalia could do this, right? she wasn't going anywhere, she'd said so herself, but hadn't he also heard it before?
he stood, grabbing his phone after he cleaned up after himself, seeing that at some point andrew had sent him a text of warning that he'd let it slip at a dinner. he and dylan had been overheard by michael's wife and he was sorry. devin didn't bother to open it, but he did clear the notification before he made his way back to the bed, knowing he wasn't getting any sleep, but he needed to be close to thalia. he needed to feel some kind of love.
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Sue Zhao // Dialogues on Love #4 // “Maybe I already do”
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"Don't get too close, I will turn you into poetry."
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You have to learn to be okay with never knowing why.
Treka L. House
— just grow from the lesson and live on.
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