Entry 11: Ex #3

Let’s go back in time to revisit this ex.

I met him while studying abroad for the summer.

We talked.  We hung out.  We drank.  We kissed.  We dated.

Majority of this relationship was long distance.  By the time we started becoming exclusive, it was time for me to return to America.  He stayed for an extra month before coming back for university.

I drove an two hours to go visit him once he was back in the states because he didn’t have a license or a car.

We started dating knowing it would be a long distance relationship.

A month in, he tells me he can’t do it anymore.

He didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t there with him.  He didn’t like the fact that he didn’t know when I could see him next.  Snapchatting everyday wasn’t enough.  Facetiming every weekend wasn’t enough.  I... wasn’t enough.

It was a four hour drive from my university to his.  He couldn’t come to me.  I had to lie to my parents to go to him.  So it never happened.  He was impatient with me even though he knew it was going to be a long distance relationship.

He told me he didn’t have the time to talk to me anymore.

He told me school was getting too busy now that things were starting to pick up.

He told me... he didn’t want to hurt me.

He told me... he was scared of doing something stupid.

He was a heavy drinker... an alcoholic possibly... He drank Thursdays-Sundays every weekend... He would drunk call me multiple times and not remember a single thing the next morning...

Now... he’s with another girl.

They’ve been dating for quite some time.

I don’t know when they started talking.

But I guess all the lies about being too busy with school wasn’t all that truthful...

Entry Ten: Ex #4

After 6 years of not dating, I guess I went a little crazy this time... 3 exes in such a short time period... You would think I wouldn’t get that attached right? wrong... 

My 3rd ex left me in pieces but that’s a story for a different day.

Let’s talk about ex #4.  

He seemed like a sweet guy. He was different from the others I met online.  Never once did he mention anything about my body or how he much he wanted to sleep with me.  He seemed genuinely interested in me as a person.  It was to the point that I wasn’t sure if he saw me as just a friend or if he wanted something more.  So I asked... And I asked... And I asked... And I finally got an answer... He wanted a relationship... One he knew he wasn’t ready for but he started one with me anyway... It was probably my fault for pushing the question... It wasn’t my intention to make him feel forced to date me, I just wanted to know what my options were.  I didn’t want to waste my time with someone who was just going to fuck with my feelings... Yet that ended up happening anyway.  Our relationship only lasted like two months or so... But just losing a person hurts in general.  He was a good boy.  A nice person.  Even our break up won’t change that.  He wasn’t ready. I should understand that.  It was just the timing and the way he did it.

I asked him a month or two prior about winter break plans.  he said he had none.  So I asked him to come with me and my friends.  He agreed.  The trip was towards the end of winter break because of conflicts with everyone’s schedule, including his.  He told me a little last minute that he had plans with his family a certain weekend so the trip would have to be around that.  I complied.  The week rolls around, he tells me he’s going to Boston with his friends... I don’t say anything.  He comes back before our trip... And THE NIGHT BEFORE we were supposed to go on the trip... He texts me saying he wants to walk away...  He doesn’t want the relationship anymore... He can’t do it anymore... He gives me all his excuses and asks me to be friends... I agree...

But if it’s your idea to be friends with the person whose heart you just shattered into a million pieces, shouldn’t you at least try? Shouldn’t you make an effort to be friends?

I got nothing... I tried... I admit... There were points when I couldn’t do it... It hurt so much to see him change so quickly after our breakup but I really did try to just be friends... But he made no effort... He still makes no effort... but now... I don’t either... And sometimes it hurts to think about how he walked away so effortlessly and how stupid I was to believe in the very few sweet words he told me... All the stupid excuses he made for us to separate... Sometimes it hurts... But sometimes it doesn’t...  And for the most part... It doesn’t ^.^

10.26.16

Every boy says he will love me forever, but this I simply cannot believe. My beauty will be stolen by time, wisdom, and her thieves. Who is he to tell me he will love this defective product without its pretty packaging? Who is he to pretend once my body mirrors my insides that he will never leave?

Belle Jar (via bellejarpoetry)

I miss the way you told me you loved me. Like it was so inevitable and telling me you loved me was as easy as breathing. I miss that. I miss you.

excerpt from a book I’ll never write (via sickwithwritersblock)

Everyone has that secret, that’s not really a secret at all: it’s a plot twist, for better or worse. It’s something that once shaped us: and once you know someone’s plot twist, you know that you’re in it for life.

(via thesocietyofpoets)

When you see me, do you see the girl you loved or the girl you left?

(via collectedthoughts)

I miss the way you told me you loved me. Like it was so inevitable and telling me you loved me was as easy as breathing. I miss that. I miss you.

excerpt from a book I’ll never write (via sickwithwritersblock)

You ask me if I hate you, and I can’t believe you still don’t get it.  You think I stopped talking to you because I hate you but you don’t understand that I could never hate you, that I wish I could hate you because then everything would be so much easier, you don’t understand that you could break my heart over and over again and I still wouldn’t be able to hate you.  I stopped talking to you because I’m in love with you and oh god I wish I could tell you that, I wish I could scream “no, I don’t hate you, I love you,  I love you so damn much it hurts” but I can’t because that just opens a door that needs to stay shut, because I’d rather have no love than a love thats only halfway. I’d rather be alone than with someone thats here one day and gone the next. and thats what you were, loving you was like falling in love with the ocean, its so blue and full of life and then suddenly your pulled in and waves are drowning you out and your so deep that the water isn’t blue anymore or green, its just so dark, and theres no sign of life and you don’t understand how something that looks so beautiful can be so deadly.  So I guess the point of this is to let you know that I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I couldn’t even reply to you, I’m sorry that I was always there and now I can’t answer your text to give you some kind of explanation and oh god I just wanna apologize to myself for even wanting to apologize to you because you are never here, because you leave me out in the cold for days and I never get an apology. but I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I just cant do it anymore. I can’t hold onto something that doesn’t want to be held. I don’t want to be in dark waters anymore, I just want to breathe, and the only way I see that happening is if I’m not swallowing water for you anymore. So I’m sorry that we don’t talk anymore, but I’m also sorry that I felt the need to give you this apology when you probably barely noticed I was no longer there.

I guess this is more of an apology letter to myself than to you.  (via thesocietyofpoets)

At this moment I don’t even want a relationship. I don’t want someone to feel obligated to text me, post about me, take me on dates, or buy me things. I don’t want to be so pressured into doing everything involved with it. What I do want is a best friend who texts me because he want to, or hangs out with me because he enjoy being around me. If he wants to talk at 2AM because he can’t sleep, of course I’ll be there, and if he want to go party one night, then we’ll be up until sunrise laughing and dancing. He invites me over for movies and pizza on the couch? Hell yeah I’m in. I’m up for anything as long as I’m with him and he’s with me, by choice.

let’s go on adventures together (via youre-all-thats-ever-on-my-mind)

Date the girl whose hair is a mess and steals your t-shirts and kisses you in front of boys who look at her admiringly. Date the girl who wants to dance in the rain with you and make tea for you and make you laugh so hard you snort tea out your nose. Date the girl who cares so much that she can tell something is wrong just by looking at you. Date the girl who will wrap her arms around you for no reason and pay attention when you talk about the things you love, even if she doesn’t love them herself. Date the girl who looks like a lazy sunday afternoon instead of a saturday night. Yeah. Just date that girl.

Unknown (via what-strange-lives-we-live)

Date the girl who is super shy but really loud when she’s drunk Date the girl who likes smithsonian dates more than dinner or movie dates Date the girl who gives you the chance you’ve been waiting for Date the girl that recites random facts to you and stops half way because she thinks she’s being “too nerdy” because i guarentee that she will tell you loud and proud what she thinks of you and hold your hand better than she holds her beer, she’ll look at you like you’re better than anything she’s seen pinned inside a museum, and she’ll write about you in her english papers that are due the next morning.

Date THAT girl - LAE (via makethelastonecount)

Maybe it’s called a broken heart because your chest feels like cannons are exploding into a thousand little bits from something that was once whole.

I just pray the end is softer than all of this. (via

teacup13

)

Maybe it’s called poetry because no matter how long I’ve been trying to describe you, I can never get it right, maybe it’s called honesty because we just need to speak the truth more often than not at all– I guess you’re my favorite part of the song.

(via poetryleftbyher)