IMMEDIATELY after I say that, a hoard of little anime gremlins shows up to harass the gorillas.  Look at them, they’re monkeys!  Are these the disembodied hearts of monkeys and jungle creatures from this world, I wonder, or do the Heartless just like to wear thematically appropriate costumes for each occasion?

It’s as we fight this same leopard for the third time that I realize, we haven’t seen a single Heartless in this world.  Is that a plot thing, does that mean something?  It could be like Donald said earlier:  this is just such a podunk and backwater corner of the multiverse that even the Heartless haven’t bothered with it.  Or maybe the bad guys have other plans for this world.  OR maybe the Heartless just haven’t gotten here yet, and halfway through the plot of Tarzan we’ll suddenly get derailed by hoards of little anime gremlins harassing the gorillas.

I want a boss fight where a Heartless is riding the leopard.

It’s as we fight this same leopard for the third time that I realize, we haven’t seen a single Heartless in this world.  Is that a plot thing, does that mean something?  It could be like Donald said earlier:  this is just such a podunk and backwater corner of the multiverse that even the Heartless haven’t bothered with it.  Or maybe the bad guys have other plans for this world.  OR maybe the Heartless just haven’t gotten here yet, and halfway through the plot of Tarzan we’ll suddenly get derailed by hoards of little anime gremlins harassing the gorillas.

I want a boss fight where a Heartless is riding the leopard.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but even in low-poly cutscenes Tarzan consistently has the best looking character model in the game.  Everyone else, even Sora, has some real awkward stuff going on with their eyes and their weird 2D mouth textures, and that’s just PS2 era graphics for you.  I think the fact that Tarzan looks so good from every angle is a testament to Glen Keane and the phenomenal character designs for that movie.  It’s an art style that translates really well.

How Not To Talk To Short People

hehehehehehehehehehehe

No but seriously, they REALLY should have rethought this camera angle.

“Actually I’m pretty sure I speak Japanese, and we’re all being translated for the western release of this game.”

She gets that from the fact that he speaks English, and not from the ridiculously complicated JRPG outfit he’s wearing.  He walked into her tent covered in belts and chains, and Jane took one look at that and assumed “ah yes, another wild man.  He must shop at the Jungle Hot Topic.”

Also Jane?  Tarzan’s family is gorillas.  That is not a gorilla, that is a human child, of course he is not related to Tarzan.

I am legitimately surprised that Clayton didn’t shoot them both and drag their cartoon skins back to camp to be taxidermied.  Eh, maybe they’re saving it for Beauty and the Beast world, that seems like more of a Gaston thing.

Okay, that might be the funniest little moment of character comedy in the game so far.  “Oh wait, that’s right, we’re still mad at each other.”

Tarzan’s in the party!  My fanfiction is becoming a reality!!

“I sure hope Sora’s okay!”

“Oh yeah?  Well I hope he’s dead.  I hope if the crash didn’t get him, the leopards did.  Sora sucks and we’re better off without him.  Sora didn’t appreciate us!  Always talking about his BEST FRIENDS Riku and *looks at smudged writing on hand* Kathy.”

“Goofy, we’re cancelling Sora.  Terk, you’re my new best friend.”

“Hello chaps, I’m here to shoot your new best friend.  Also, maybe you fellows?  Are you anthropomorphic talking animals in cute little outfits, or just furries?  Your answer will determine whether or not I shoot you with this gun.”

Hey, how come Clayton wasn’t invited to the Council of Evil either?  I guess he doesn’t think of himself as a villain.  He’s just a guy who likes hunting (okay, poaching endangered species), so maybe he’d be insulted if they asked him to join.

Okay, time for some more of this game!  Getting some very Jumanji vibes up in here.

Pay attention, Goofy.  You’re in the deep jungle, the game literally JUST told you.

i'm slowly reading through your posts so ignore me if someone's already told you this, but you keep referring to riku as the babysitter and while that's not completely inaccurate, he's actually only a year older than the others. (he's 15, sora and kairi are 14) so while there is some of the "cool older teen we look up to" vibe, they're still very much on equal footing as friends

When you’re fourteen, fifteen is like, infinity older than you.

This is the second time Sora has hallucinated Kairi after getting the crap beaten out of him, so I’m gonna THEORIZE about that and I’m gonna be WRONG!

To recap, here is a one hundred percent accurate illustrated diagram of what happened with Sora and Kairi during the prologue.

Kairi Norted Sora.  A piece of her soul, or her heart or whatever this game calls it, is inside Sora right now.  They’re sharing a body, but Sora’s in the pilot’s seat.  All Kairi can do is try to guide him by manifesting as these visions.

It’s interesting to me that Sora is never surprised or confused or scared when these visions happen.  He doesn’t freak out like “oh man I finally found Kairi!!” so it seems like he’s aware that what he’s seeing isn’t real.  But he interacts with vision-Kairi as if she’s a real person.  He has conversations with her, and he trusts her guidance.  It all follows a kind of dream-logic.  Maybe on some subconscious level, he already knows what’s going on.  His soul is mingling with hers, after all.

If these visions turn out to be some plot by the villains to manipulate Sora and lead him into a trap, I think he and I both are gonna feel betrayed.  But at this point, I’m gonna trust Sora’s gut.  This is the real Kairi, and her guidance is trustworthy.

So many people have gone missing in this game that Sora’s actually lost track of which ones he’s looking for.  Riku and Kairi, buddy.  You’re looking for Riku and Kairi.  Maybe write it down or something, I hear Chain of Memories is gonna do a number on your brain.

“Wait, Donald was kind of a jerk and this is my chance to be rid of him!  Goofy was cool, I guess I’ll miss Goofy.  Anyway Tarzan, you’re my new best friend.”

TARZAN’S HERE

So far Tarzan has made the coolest entrance in the whole game.  You know how Jerkules, Professional Hero, did nothing but stand there and talk about how heroic he was while Sora got trampled by a giant monster in the background?  Tarzan’s doing the opposite of that.  Like two hits into the boss fight, Tarzan’s flipping down from the ceiling and saving the day because SOMEONE in this game needed to be a responsible adult who understands that children should not have to fight leopards.

In the convoluted AU fanfiction still unfolding in my head, if Alice is the new Friend Who Is A Girl who absolutely gets to come on Sora’s multiverse adventures with him and be relevant to the plot, then Tarzan must be the new Cool Babysitter who steps in to protect these kids from danger.  Sora and Alice can duck behind him when things get dicey, and he’ll beat up the bad guys.

Jerkules can stay home.

AM I ABOUT TO WATCH THIS TEN YEAR OLD BE MAIMED BY A LEOPARD

NEVER MIND I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN TARZAN WORLD ANYMORE

Who’s ready for Tarzan woooooorld??

Who’s ready for Tarzan woooooorld??

“Hades, we maybe need to talk about that time you handed over that ticket to the protagonists.  You literally just handed them the plot progression.  They were stuck and we were going to win and then you helped them, Hades.  This is a problem, Hades, we need to have an intervention.”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* hair flip *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

I’m sure this is a reference to Cloud’s original game, and I’m sure I’d be very excited about that reference if I got it, but the only thing more confusing to me than the plot synopsis of Kingdom Hearts is the plot synopsis of Final Fantasy.  There’s some anime people in Traverse Town, dude, have you checked there?

To be fair to Cloud here, Hades is the kind of character who would have upheld that bargain.  He would have twisted it to be as unfair and one sided as possible, but he wouldn’t have straight up cheated Cloud.  When you’re desperate and you’ve got no other options, what else can you do?

This sure is a deep and brooding conversation that Donald and Goofy the Disney cartoons are just kind of standing in the background of.

“So first my cool babysitter Riku started rambling about the power of darkness and then a bunch of evil shadow tentacles dragged him into a portal.  And then, you know the door that wakes in darkness, opening into nightmares?  Well my friend Kairi took a look inside of it, and there was a great big flash, everything just changed, and her and my molecules got all rearranged, so now she’s missing too.  And THEN Donald and Goofy and I took a pit stop in Wonderland, and met Alice, and she got Houdini’d out of a locked cage the second we turned our backs.  Oh, and Donald and Goofy are looking for King Mickey ‘cause I guess he’s missing too?  So basically everyone I’ve met so far has gone missing and for some reason it’s on me, a literal, actual child, to find them.  But tell me some more about your whole deal with the devil thing!”