Nothing New (Taylor's Version) (From The Vault) [feat. Phoebe Bridgers]

It was hard to decide which song to write about first. I am the kind of person who gets obsessive about the things I love. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be an all or nothing person. Capturing my attention is difficult, but once it's gained I will be your biggest champion. I take pride in that, but it can also be exhausting feelings things in such a big way. I have nearly 5,000 songs on my phone, where I predominately listen to music, which made it difficult to decide on what to do first. An album? A song? An artist? An old one? A fresh one? One that makes me happy? One that makes me sad? One that I like to sing in the car? Or when I'm alone? The questions could go on and on... and while it was overwhelming to me to think of the emotions associated with the art that means the most to me, that is kind of the beautiful thing about music. It holds our attention for so many reasons - often more than we can put into words. Music has the power to make us feel less alone in our most vulnerable states. Hence, "lessalonehere."

Ultimately, it seemed natural to choose a Taylor (Swift) song to focus on first. A woman I love dearly and feels so much like home that I don't even include her last name when talking about her. But that brings about a whole other slew of questions about which Taylor song to do. When you have loved an artist for as long as I have supported Taylor, you associate songs and albums with periods of your life. The nostalgia of Taylor and yet the fresh excitement that I get each time she releases something new is a feeling like nothing else. All that to say, I decided on a mix of those two feelings. "Nothing New (Taylor's Version) (From The Vault) [feat. Phoebe Bridgers]" from Red (Taylor's Version) is a beautiful (and heartbreaking) song that resonates with me more deeply than I care to fully admit. Yet, here I am admitting it.

I remember hearing it for the first time and thinking not about how it related to my life, but what it meant for Taylor's. It was a natural progression for a girl who has spent over half her life dissecting Taylor lyrics and getting lost in her stories, finding ways to make them mine. To think that she wrote the song in 2012 when the magnitude of her career was nothing like what it is now is an interesting thing to think about. In the context of that period of her life, "Nothing New" speaks to her constant anxiety that she understood just how fragile her public image was. She had not yet reached 1989 level stardom, and yet she was already worrying about the futility of her career and the likelihood that people would lose interest in her. It broke my heart to think that when everything went down, Taylor had to have thought it was a confirmation of her fears expressed in "Nothing New."

For me, "Nothing New" is a reminder of how I never feel shiny enough. Narrating my deepest insecurities in a way that is almost scary. Separate from the words, is the feeling the instruments of the song elicit. In so many ways it haunts me. It really feels like I am sitting in a dimly lit room reflecting on all the worries I have about the fickleness of life. Very much alone. And deeply reflective. The way Taylor and Phoebe Bridgers sing the song at almost a whisper speaks to that isolation and anxiety. Something Taylor, Phoebe, and Aaron Dessner are all really adept at, is making me uneasy with how accurately they capture the feelings I would rather not acknowledge and "Nothing New" is another in a long list of songs that hit home with me because they perfectly capture (maybe too much so) the thoughts I try not to let seep in.

I know I'm not special in these feelings, but I always feel like people eventually get tired of me. I find that there is usually an initial excitement and connection that is inevitably followed by a regression by the other party. And I am left wondering what about me made me so easy to leave. I know that I am hard to like - and probably even harder to love. I know that it is much easier to show people the surface level of who I am and keep things light than let them in and send them running. Both things are why I tend to keep the great majority of the people I encounter at an arms length emotionally. Even those closest to me tend to miss who I am at my core. And truly I have no one to blame for that but the girl who looks back at me in the mirror. But I go through life wondering if I make that connection - if I break the many barriers I have carefully constructed - will that person still want me when they realize how tarnished I am. That knowing that people will eventually get tired of you and want to run is captured perfectly in "Nothing New."