Passed my autopsy with flying colours. There was so much inside me

my dad is the funniest person in the world to make small talk with. we passed a taco bell and he was like “what’s your favorite thing to get there” and i said “the crunchwrap supreme” and he said “tell me about it” and i described it to him and he said “that sounds delicious. what’s your second favorite thing at taco bell”

oh you're touch starved? here eat up *fucking punches you*

why does my boyfriend have to turn everything into a game of saw

Not funny, didn't laugh, also your gut microbiome is not nearly as diverse and plentiful as mine

Killed a spider n now I feel bad :/

my boyfriend is washing the dishes and I just heard him say "who do you work for? who's your contact???“ while repeatedly pushing a glass under water

at least he's having fun???

eating an orange by myself and refusing to give you any slices and handing you the rind with HATE written in sharpie on the inside

𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒘𝒔 🌧

dont pog at me young man

my character in tf2 when i get sniped halfway across the map

LISTEN I ONLY DO UNETHICAL MAGIC IF ITS REALLY FUNNY

Cozy snail cozy snail cozy snail

so what if cain murdered abel. maybe abel sucked.